You Are Not Judge Judy...

Ok, so this week has brought me a new subject in many different forms of the same thing that I need to express myself about.  Can anyone please tell me when the whole world went to law school and suddenly became a judge?  I don't know about things that are going on in your life but lately in mine it's like people decided that their main occupation is to be my personal judge, how did that happen?

In life everyone is entitled to their opinions and that's okay but why do people have to be so mean and judgemental without even realizing that perhaps they should look at their own lives before they judge others. 

For years I have been in a miserable place and no one is to blame but myself for staying for so long.  But then something magical happened and I woke up.  I realized that I no longer wanted to feel so lifeless and dead on the inside. I wanted to be happy and positive and that is what my new year's resolution was.  So far this year it has been mind blowing.  I have had the most fun and been the happiest I have been in about 15 years.  I suddenly remembered how to smile again and I don't hate going home anymore each day after work because I am going to my own little slice of heaven known as my apartment.  My kids are happy again and they finally have a place where they can be kids without all the drama that they have known for so long.  I also have someone in my life that makes me laugh and remember that I am a wonderful person.

I am on my road to self discovery and it feels amazing and isn't that what we all want to feel like?  Then why do people think they can just come into your happy zone and mess it up?  Everyone always has something to say but they never realize how hurtful it may sound.  It's these people who for years told you you were not happy and you needed to leave and then all of a sudden you do and they don't agree with your choices.

I know I am a good person and I also know that I am not perfect.  Many of you have witnessed some of my non perfect days on Facebook or just in person and while most of you are my cheerleaders, I also know there are a select few just this week who have showed me that judges come in all forms...even those who according to Romans 2:1 should not judge.  I am proud to say that I believe in God and I know my faith.  I have been a member of a wonderful church in Colton that I still believe in, even though there have been people that have been so judgemental there that it has made me stand back and really question what is right for me.  It's awful when you go somewhere to feel good and you leave feeling worse because of comments of judgemental people.  I would just like to tell people that sometimes in life no matter what you think, there are some marriages that just need to end.  Yes, God can restore a lot of things but sometimes people don't want to be restored because of everything leading up to that point.  No I am not saying not to forgive, but I am simply saying that sometimes things just have to end and for good reason.  Does that make anybody bad, no.  I guess it is really hard to understand if you have never been in my situation and vice versa. 

People are quick to give advice, even when it is not asked for.  The sad thing is that even these judges in your life have lives that could also be deemed more blasphemous than yours yet they never think that they have anything that needs fixing.  Why can't people just be happy for you if you are happy, why do they always like to throw stones?

Frankie says I told her something a long time ago that I don't remember but I probably did say it.  She said I told her I was happy, this was my choice and to either get on board or not.  Perfectly said.  I have one judge that I will have to answer to when I come to the end of my journey here on earth and that's God.  I know I am not a saint but I also know I am not the devil himself.  I, me alone will have to answer to him about my life, not you or anybody else.  I can't tell my heart what to feel and right now it's in one of the best places it has ever been.  I feel so many levels of happiness that I alone cannot even explain and one thing I have that was missing before is peace of mind.

To all my critics out there religious and not, my advice to you is this.  Everyone you come across in life is going through something.  Love them for the person they are and be happy for them if they are happy and when they are sad be their shoulder to cry on if they need to.  If they wanted a judge, they can go down to the county courthouse.  The world is sad enough without people who we think are our friends trying to bring us down.  Maybe my life is turning on a different path than what you thought it would or should be...and that may just be a good thing.

On A Day Like Today...

Today I went outside and sat there on talking on the phone during a break.  It's this patio that has a really nice view and on a cold day like today you could see the the clouds hugging the mountains and lights twinkling outside because it's so dark out.  I used to hate days like today because it was just a reminder that the weather was reminiscent of my life..dark and gloomy.  Don't get me wrong, my kiddos, the loves of my life helped to take the gloominess away but there was still sadness because of the loneliness I have felt for so long where I was.

But there I was talking on the phone to the person in my life who has changed my attitude about life so much.  I was actually smiling and on a day like today...imagine that!  I went back to my desk and was instantly reminded again of this person because of the beautiful red roses I received yesterday for a day I hated for so long and not to mention the heart pendant that now has residence around my neck.

If someone from the future were to pull me aside and tell me that I would be this happy, I would not have believed them.  Me being happy?  Yeah right!  That was only something I dreamed about because I believed my destiny was to be there where I had been for so long. 

Last year while walking around Wal-Mart I was looking at some cute thing and remarked to my daughter how that would look so cute in our apartment when she said something that made me realize I had to leave.  She said, "We're not leaving anywhere, you're not strong enough to leave Mom."  I remember the feeling of the tears stinging my eyes as we walked through the store.  This is how my daughter felt and it made me sad because I knew that deep down inside I could be strong but had not been in so long which is what she saw.
I knew that I had to show her that I was strong so that she would remember that about me.

And now here I am.  Though there are pending technicalities I have never felt more free.  I have never felt more happy.  I have never felt more love.  I have my kids throughout the week, I have my apartment, I have a car and my job...and I have Mijin...things are looking more beautiful with each new day.

Love is...

Happy Valentine's Day!  Today many people will wake up and be excited about their plans for a romantic evenng with the ones that they love.  Some will wake up lonely and wish for a love they once or maybe even never knew.  Whatever the case may be for you I pray that you are blessed and have some kind of love in your life since they say love makes the world go round.

When I think of Valentine's Day I think about hearts.  Did you know that February is National Heart month?  This makes me think of my Dad.  In 2005 my Dad passed away due in part to his bad heart.  Through the years my dad didn't really watch his health until one day he had a heart attack and the doctors told him he had five years to live.  Each year he would countdown, he actually lived six years after.  I love food just as much as the next girl but with this message I am asking that you all love yourselves to watch your health and get screened for any issues with your hearts and anything else:) 

I used to be scared of my dad dying when I was little and he told me that even when he died he would live on in my heart, boy was he right!  Lately I have felt his presence all around me and I smile.  I have his picture hanging right in the middle of all my pictures on my wall in my new apartment.  There he is just smiling and somehow giving me his approval of all things new and wonderful that have taken place in my life.  I miss him so much each day but I know I will see him again.

I think of my kids on this day and wish them love and happiness and that they will be blessed with a love so wonderful one day that they will feel blessed and be happy.  I wish all of you happiness and love also.  There I go sounding all warm and fuzzy but I can't help it. 

While my life is changing I feel so happy and I suddenly feel surrounded by love.  It's amazing how things can change in a way that you thought was never possible.  I am here to tell you never to give up hope and always believe in love.  Happy Valentine's Day!  I love you all!

All Kinds Of...ME

I am looking at the title of my blog and see All Kinds of Crazy.  All I can think of is wow!  I wrote in one of my blogs of my past that maybe one day I would change it to All Kinds of Happy.  I guess it is now that I am at that point in my life where I have felt all kinds of happy, and peaceful and content and amazing.  No longer do I feel all kinds of crazy but I will keep calling my blog this to remind me of just how far I have come and where I never want to go back to.

Words alone cannot express my happiness. I never thought that I would feel this way again, especially after being told for so long so many negative things that you come to believe are true about yourself.  Then finally someone shows up who tells you things to slowly bring you back to the person you know you are.  You finally realize..."Wow, so this is what it feels like".  It is truly amazing how awesome life can be when there are people in your life who believe in you.

I feel lately as if I am in a dream and anytime now I am going to wake up and find myself in the place I felt so trapped for so long, but each day only gets better.  I never would have believed pressing one button on my keyboard would have brought me to one of the happiest places I have been in sooo long. 

I am a person who truly believes in signs that the universe sends us to let us know where we are supposed to be in life.  I am still amazed at all the little signs I have received since last month that are pointing out that I am exactly where I need to be.   I wake up feeling at peace with myself and not having to fight or lose more self esteem from all the negative things I was told.  I followed my heart and I knew eventually my heart would lead me here...

Hearts and Peeps

Wow!  I have come a long, long way.  Tonight I sit here thinking about my future.  While there is some worry about whether or not I can do it, the happiness I feel balances it out and slowly the worry fades away.  The life I looked forward to 19 years ago is done.  It's funny when you meet someone and make them your whole world and everything seems close to perfect you never think it will end.  Little girls don't play Barbies and divorce Ken...but then again Barbie isn't real life.

There is really nothing left to say except it's time to press forward and find my destiny.  I have so many things I have given up throughout the years that I want to pursue.  I long so much to be an accomplished writer.  I have submitted my work to publishers and literary agents and I am not giving up.  Once we give up on our dreams, what's left to hope for, right?  I don't only dream at night, I also dream in the daytime about so many things.

I dream about being happy and I think of how far I have come in just this year.  The happiness I have found seems to illuminate me and make me glow and so many people have commented on how happy I look.  Not only do I look it, I feel it from deep within and it's the greatest feeling I have felt in such a long time.  Each year since about 1997 I vowed that with the start of each January 1st I would make a resolution that that would be my year that brought forth change and happiness.  Each year though I would falter and fall victim to another year of unhappiness.  It is amazing how wonderful life can be when you stand up and realize that you deserve so much more.

Though there are still little shots of worry that flash through my mind, I know that I can do this.  I have come a long way and I have experienced what life should have been like for so long.  I am happy and in a state of peace of mind, things that I was missing for so long.

I can't take all the credit though.  There have been my cheerleaders rooting for me all along.  My kids, my family and my besties and others as well.  I did it but I needed a push, and boy did I get that push! So to you who have been there with me all along I just want to say thank you for being patient with me and letting me do things in my own time.  I knew I could do it...and so did you.

To anyone who is scared to do something in life because you are scared of change, I would tell you to listen to your heart, and when that doesn't work...listen to your people.