Remembering on Memorial Day

The weekend would usually be coming to a close right about now as everyone would be getting ready for their work week.  Today seems like Saturday and tomorrow will feel like Sunday except I will be able to sleep in and not get ready for my Sunday school class I teach.  It will be the last day of the Orange Show and it almost even rained for that occasion.  Then of course is the main reason we all get to stay home and have barbecues and relax or do whatever...Memorial Day.

At cemeteries people will be remembering their loved ones and red, white and blue flags will be placed at graves.  Tomorrow would be especially nice to go and visit my Dad at his grave at Riverside National Cemetery so I could see all those flags and be thankful for my Dad and how he served in the Navy.  I would go but I know it will be super crowded and not to mention the fact that his birthday is this coming Saturday, June 4th.  I will visit him on the Friday before his birthday so I can go all alone and no have to feel guilty about not taking the kids.  There are just times I need that with my Dad.  I will look for five minutes for his grave as I always do in the sea of grave stones of the so many people who served in the military who are buried there.  When I find him I will say as I always do..."There you are Daddy". 

I will talk to him about my drive there as I arrange his flowers just the way I think they should be and then I will sit down and be quiet in my thoughts with memories of him and sing him happy birthday somewhere in between.  I will laugh and smile as I talk to him and then I will cry, it may get easier each year but it always hurts somehow. 

I remember when I was a teenager and Memorial Day would roll around.  My Dad always loved to barbecue and my mom loved to make her potato salad and we would have fun in our big backyard on Sycamore.  We would have water gun and water balloon fights while my niece Jennifer and my Grandma Lillie watched and laughed.  Wow.  That seems like only yesterday, but It was oh so long ago.  Jen, Grandma and my Dad are all no longer here anymore and all we are left with is memories. 

I always envisioned when I had my family they would add to the fun with my family.  But times change and people go to Heaven and move away and the family you envisioned isn't that kind of a family after all.  It makes me sad.  Tomorrow on Memorial Day I will be doing laundry and spending time alone as my kids go to the Orange Show with their Dad.  I wonder what they will remember when they are my age of their Memorial Days past.

I am grateful for all those who are serving in the Military fighting  for our freedom and to those who have served in the past.  My heart goes out to all the families who have lost a loved one in a war fought for us.  Let's all remember the reason we get an extra day off work. 

Thanks Dad-I love you and will be there on Friday.

Songs On My Playlist

There are times when I turn on my music and I listen to escape real life.  I hear verses of music and feel like I am the one who wrote that song because I can totally relate.  In my world of crazy, music gives me peace and makes me smile.  I am going to share some of my thought provoking and heartfelt verses of some of my most favorite songs with you...

-I can't feel the ground, someone let me down, I've never felt so high as I am now, It's too good to be true, I don't deserve you, I've never felt a love strong enough to...stop this world from spinning

-Our love's floating out the window, our love's floating out the back door, our love's floating up in the sky to heaven where it began, back in God's hands.

-We love and we never tell what places our hearts in the wishing well, Love leads us into the streams and it's sink or swim like it's always been

-I can always find someone to say they sympathize when I wear my heart out on my sleeve, But I don't need some pretty face to tell me pretty lies, All I need is someone to believe

-I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you and your memory and how every song reminds me of what used to be

-You're the girl every girl wants to be, You're the kind of girl that I want right here with me

-When I'm way up here it's crystal clear, now that I'm in a whole new world with you

-There's a me you've always known, A me that's a stranger still, A you that feels like home, And a you that never will

-You gave me wings and made me fly, You touched my hand I could touch the sky, I lost my faith you gave it back to me, You said no star was out of reach, You stood by me and I sttod tall, I had your love I had it all, I'm grateful for each day you gave me, Maybe I don't know that much but I know this much is true, I was blessed because I was loved by you

And even as I wander I'm keeping you in sight, You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night, And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

-Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see

-She, May be the reason I survive, The why and where for I'm alive, The one I'll care for through the rough and rainy years, Me I'll take her laughter and her tears, And make them all my souvenirs, For where she goes, I got to be, The meaning of my life is she

-You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply, I'd rather hurt you honestly than miislead you with a lie

-Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to, Only to find that one won't give their heart to you

Oh as I go through my song list I could go on forever.  Music takes me places that sometimes real life won't.  It's like listening to a dream while I am awake and it makes me happy even when I'm not. If I had to compare my feelings of my life right now, I would have to say it would be a sad country song.  Though my playylist may remain the same and close to my heart for reasons all my own, I know one day the music in my heart will change and I will keep believing that, positively.

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Take Out Your Umbrella...The Orange Show Is In Town!

I just went outside to make sure everything was locked up for the night and I realized it's really cold outside.  June is just around the corner and here I am running inside to avoid getting the chills.  Then I came inside and realized...Oh yeah, the Orange Show starts tomorrow. 

We all know what that means...rainy, gloomy weather for at least a day probably beginning tomorrow.  For those of us who have never heard the story the Orange Show grounds were built on Indian burial grounds and a curse was put on the Orange Show that each year there would be bad weather during the time the Orange Show was on.  That's the story I have known and usually the first day or somewhere during the Orange Show weekend the weather is gloomy.

I have gone to the Orange Show the last few years but this year I have no desire to go at all really.  I guess it's different now than what it used to be back in the day.  I remember when the Orange Show would be in town for at least two weeks and everybody you were related to or were friends with were there.  Back then the rides were all over the Orange Show grounds, not just the little two small rows of about fifteen rides, including kiddy rides that it has now.

The food was great and back then you did not have to apply for a loan to be able to afford it, it was cheap!  That could also be due to the fact that back then my parents were the ones with the money.  Now that I'm the one paying for stuff, it's not so cheap.

When the Orange Show was great there used to be actual concerts there.  No, I am not just talking about a concert of the local band or some crazy wacky funny hypnotist, I am talking about actual singers that we actually listened to on the radio, what happened to that?

I am sure I am not the only one who remembers taking one of those black and white photos with your friends or your family and then you had the big button of the picture that you would wear as a souvenir.  Yes, those were the days!

I am not trying to completely bash the Orange Show but it's just not the same.  When my kids were little I used to love to take them to ride the little kiddy rides.  Their happiness made up for what the Orange Show became.  They would love to get on the bumper cars and go on little rides together, those too were the days.

Now the kids are older and they act like they don't even like each other most of the time.  The boy is talking about going with his friends and hasn't even asked if we were going. The girl is undecided but it's really not a big deal to her as it used to be.  I guess when you're little it seems so much better and bigger.  To me it just seems like an expensive waste of a day, sorry.  It also makes me think of the past.  I remember going with my mom and dad and my dad being scared to get on the ferris wheel since he was scared of heights.  Like him, I am also scared of heights and stay away from the ferris wheel too.  I remember sitting at some of the concerts with my mom.  I think the last one we saw together sooo long ago was Marie Osmond.  I miss my dad and wish he was alive still so I could dare him to brave the ferris wheel with me.  And I miss my mom and wish she lived closer so we could go to any concert.  I would be happy to even go see a lame hypnotist show as long as I was with her.

So why should I even go?  While the Orange Show will make thousands of people happy this weekend, it only makes me sad, so I am staying home and waiting for September.  That's when the LA County (Pomona) fair will be around and that's a different story!

The Puppy and the Girl

Once upon a time there was a girl who fell in love with what she thought was an adorable puppy.  She took the puppy home and they became inseperable.  At first and for many years they were all they needed and the puppy loved her and she loved the puppy.

Over the years the little girl grew up and the puppy got older in years as well.  Though they still cared for each other, their relationship changed.  The girl had other interests and she was happier with other things besides her puppy.  She had had her puppy for so long that she wanted to do other things, without the puppy.  It wasn't that she wanted another puppy, she was just wanting to do other things.

The puppy didn't like this very much.  Though the girl took care of him very well, he didn't like the fact that she did not want to spend as much time with him like when she was a little girl and he was just a pup himself.  He could not figure out why she didn't want to only be around him, he was still adorable as ever.

The puppy turned into an old dog and whenever the girl came around he had to prove to her that he was just like that cute little puppy from so long ago.  He tried to be nice to the girl but the girl always seemed like she was not interested anymore.  The truth was that she did still care for the puppy but the puppy seemed to stop caring for her.  He was always so worried about showing off when she was around and she grew very tired of this.  The girl missed the simple days nbut also knew that times change and people grow up and puppies turn into dogs. 

The dog still could not handle the fact that the girl loved him but also had other things going on in her life that made her happy, so he became mean and somewhat annoying.  He started to bark at her all the time and sometimes even growled.  This made the girl want to be around him even less, and the dog just got more and more mad.

There were times when the girl would finally get tired of the barking and start yelling at him.  She would yell and he would bark and sometimes it would go on and on.  The dog would end up sleeping in the dog house and the girl would be sad and cry.  She missed her old puppy but now here was this mean dog.    Sometimes she would lay in bed at night and think of all the reasons why she should keep her dog when all the signs pointed to reasons why she should just open the gate and let him go free.

The thing is she loved her dog.  They had been through so much together and no matter what, her dog was always there waiting and wanting her affection.  It isn't that she never gave him affection, it just wasn't always the affection he longed for.  A quick "hello doggy" didn't work for him anymore.  He wanted to be her dog inside and outside of the house.  He wanted her to find a big enough purse to carry him in, but that's not what she wanted and that's what made them different. 

The girl had given him so much through the years that she had nothing left to give and so the barking and growling became more intense.  She threatened to call the pound and the dog would bark more.  She offered to just let him go but he wouldn't budge, afterall this was his house too.

And that's where they are still.  Barking and yelling with an occasional happy day like when she first layed eyes on her puppy that was no more.  He thinks if she were to get rid of him she would have a new puppy within a year, but she vows to be done with pets for a long, long time.  He still spends most days in the dog house, blaming her for everything bad about his life cycle.  She still hasn't opened the gate completely, he wouldn't leave anyways.  There are times when she thinks it would be best for her to abandon her old dog but she just can't bring herself to do it.  Perhaps she will leave her house one day and the new owner will want her puppy.  Perhaps he will just leave one day...perhaps.

Ugh...just give me a cat!

On the Edge...

All kinds of crazy...that's my life and why I chose that name for this my beloved blog.  If there has ever been a time when my life has been crazy, it's right now.  For so long it seems as though while there have been little spurts of crazy here and there, it hasn't been crazy like right now.  I feel as if everything up to this point has been leading me to the edge of this cliff I feel as though I am standing upon.  So now it's up to me.  At the bottom of the cliff is a beautiful valley with flowers so strong and fragrant that I can smell them from up here.  Here at the top of the cliff is my safety and everything I have known up to my standing here.  It's not wonderful at the top of the cliff, but it's not so terrible...or is it? 

For anyone who really knows me, they know that I am afraid of heights.  How is it that I can even think of jumping off this cliff, and then I feel myself inching backwards to my safety.  Still...it looks so peaceful at the bottom.  Yes I know that saying, life isnt always greener on the other side, but life is a risk, right?  What happens if I don't make it to the bottom, what will happen on the way down...I feel my heart beating so fast.

I know there will be people at the bottom cheering me on and even people on the cliff.  Either way I will have made the wrong decision in someon'es opinion even though it's my journey.  I know I can't make everyone happy with my choice to stand here at the top or jump to the bottom, but this is my journey, right?

Oh how I wish someone would just push me off this cliff, but haven't they?  It's funny how after so long on the long road to the edge of the cliff, the scenery has been good and bad but what seems like more bad toward the end.  Then all of a sudden they come and plant all kinds of pretty flowers similar to the ones down below to try and get you to change your mind about jumping.  Why now?  These should have been planted at the beginning of the road and all along the way.

So here I stand... 
Here on the edge, scared to fall
but tired of standing and trying at all ...

Sending Positive Thoughts To The Universe...

Helloooooo-I'm back....

Ok, so there is a new book I am reading called "The Secret".  My friend Frankie told me all about it one day and I was intrigued, so I ordered it.  I must admit that it was a slow start, I mean after all I wanted to get right to this secret.  It is a self help type of book that discusses how basically if you are positive and believe that all good and wonderful things will come to you, your thoughts will be released to the universe and reflected and those great and positive things will come to you.  If you think negatively though, it will have an adverse impact on the universe and those negative things will come to you.  For example if you need a change in your life and release positive thoughts and believe a change could happen to you, it will happen.  However, if you are thinking positive thoughts and one day you start feeling down or negative about this change it sets negativity off in the universe and your change will be delayed if it even happens at all.

One of the lessons is that if you happen to think something negative to tell yourself to change frequencies and channel happy thoughts, positive thoughts.  Ok, so I am halfway through this book and it is both inspiring and I must tell you that it is also a little frustrating.  I mean I want to be one of these always happy and positive people so that all things I deserve in the universe will come to me, but then there is something called negativity that rules my world most of the time. 

When I turn on the news at 5am, you know that there will at least be something negative there.  Then comes getting ready for work and school with two teenagers, um helllloooo such negativuty there.  Then work follows...negativity.  Then back home for the evening and I feel like I could actually bottle up negativity and sell it to some of the positivity people that wrote the book.

As much as I try to change my frequency to happy thoughts it is a real task, and then I am stuck in negativity again.  Another lesson taught in the book is that if something does not go how you want it to, reimagine how you would have wanted that situation to play out and in essence change the negative script to positive.  Let me just say that with that advice, I have been changing lots of scripts!

I am a person who doesn't like to wait a long time to know about something.  If somewhere out there the universe wants to give me all I long for I am all for it, it's just that I want it now, before my negative thoughts start to creep back in and that only takes a matter of minutes.

I am going through so much in my life right now that I am trying to channel positivity, I am trying, I am trying, and I know one day I will get there, I even have a date in my head that I will try and visualize to life...cmon universe, cmon universe!

I am thinking of the postive and happy life I have visualized and created in my mind and then the happy thoughts just flow like a river, interesting.  As much negativity that seems to almost consume me all it takes to turn it around is a happy thought that I release to the universe to wish and dream for.


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