This week I must say that I am truly stressed out. Next Wednesday my little boy who is not a little boy anymore will be graduating. This year and this week has been stressful. Because he slipped behind in some classes I am here biting my nails off hoping he passes everything he needs to, has all his debts cleared at school and will be able to pull it off-and it is so close. I am hoping, praying that he will do this and mad at myself a little for not staying on him more when it came to getting things done.
It's funny, I do not remember ever not doing what I needed to to graduate. I remember I actually went to summer school to take regular classes so I could have smooth sailing in my actual senior year, and I did. I graduated with honors and had a whole bumch of A's during my senior year since I passed everything the years before. I will admit that I got an occasional D in PE back in junior high because I hated dressing out, but that was just stupid of me.
I did my work in high school and I was organized and in a geeky way I actually liked school. I was one of those people who was sad when it was over. And then I think about my son. As a parent you do all you can for them in all their years of school. You help them and teach them but in the end as they get closer to the Pomp and Circumstance it is their choice. You can only do so much for your kids until you realize that it is them who has to do the work and turn it in and want to pass the class. For so long I would get the progress reports in the mail with a bad mark or two and I would hear..."But mom, it's only a progress report" and I would reply..."Exactly, and you are not making any progress".
My daughter will be in 11th grade next year and I am vowing that I will ensure she does whatever possible to graduate so that when her final week before graduation comes I won't have to bite my nails. I guess kids just do not understand the value of a diploma these days and it baffles me. I remember taking senior pictures and my mom ordered a big 16X20 of me in my cap and gown. She hung that up right in the living room for all to see when they would walk in-I actually think she has it hanging up still in her house in Texas! I was so proud of that picture and felt like I accomplished something so wonderful.
My kids do not understand why I worry and nag them about the importance of graduating. While I think he is going to pull it off if only by the tiniest percentage,I am still stressed out. All I want for my kids is their happiness and their success. A diploma will help to get them there!
And so, I have taken half a day off next Wednesday to get there early to see my first born baby boy graduate from high school. I remember my mom at my graduation ceremony 22 years ago with tears in her eyes after it was all over. While I knew she was proud of me I didn't understand the real meaning of the tears...until now because I am a mom and my baby is there. Congratulations Class of 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
What a Difference...
Can you all believe it is already going to be May? I realized this as in my office we are hanging papel picados. I know I am Mexican and should know what that means, but I don't. Basically it's tissue paper that we all cut out into squares and then cut out our own shapes and patterns on. We then hang them up in our office and make it colorful and bright.
Every year it is a reminder to me that the year is almost halfway over. This year feels so different though. This year at the end of May I am praying and hoping that all the years of school for my oldest baby will be over and that he will graduate. I must admit this one is a nail biter because he has to come up ahead no matter what and really buckle down to make this happen. He has been so happy lately and busy with all the Senior activities and it's good to see him like this, I am crossing my fingers!
Then there's the girl. I cannot believe that she will be in 11th grade next year. Wow how fast time flies, it's amazing. I am happy to report that since we moved into the apartment in February she has made a little group of friends there which is good for her. No longer is she calling me up at work asking what we are going to do when I get home. Nowadays she isn't even home when I get home as she is out with her new circle of friends...one even being a cute boy who she thinks of as her boyfriend. he seems sweet and shy and he makes her smile.
Then there's me, what a difference a year makes. This time last year I was living in my little suite of Casa de Crazy, married but so separated and so unhappy. I think back to that time just a year ago and it brings back bad memories of fighting and unhappiness. It took so many years for me to really realize how unhappy I was and I never thought I would ever have the courage or strength to leave, but in the end here I am and I did.
These days my life is much more simpler and peaceful. I actually enjoy going home and I even look forward to it. The kids and I get along most of the time with a few occasional moments but the fighting has sort of just diminished. Sometimes there are people in life who are just no good together and I finally realized that.
I look forward to my future and all it holds to reveal itself to me. I am happy now, happier than I have been in so many years. I have someone in my life who helps me get through my bad days and shares with me the good days. I have never smiled so much.
I am so thankful for my kids, My Miji, Family, health and everything in between and around that I have in my life. What a difference a year makes.
Every year it is a reminder to me that the year is almost halfway over. This year feels so different though. This year at the end of May I am praying and hoping that all the years of school for my oldest baby will be over and that he will graduate. I must admit this one is a nail biter because he has to come up ahead no matter what and really buckle down to make this happen. He has been so happy lately and busy with all the Senior activities and it's good to see him like this, I am crossing my fingers!
Then there's the girl. I cannot believe that she will be in 11th grade next year. Wow how fast time flies, it's amazing. I am happy to report that since we moved into the apartment in February she has made a little group of friends there which is good for her. No longer is she calling me up at work asking what we are going to do when I get home. Nowadays she isn't even home when I get home as she is out with her new circle of friends...one even being a cute boy who she thinks of as her boyfriend. he seems sweet and shy and he makes her smile.
Then there's me, what a difference a year makes. This time last year I was living in my little suite of Casa de Crazy, married but so separated and so unhappy. I think back to that time just a year ago and it brings back bad memories of fighting and unhappiness. It took so many years for me to really realize how unhappy I was and I never thought I would ever have the courage or strength to leave, but in the end here I am and I did.
These days my life is much more simpler and peaceful. I actually enjoy going home and I even look forward to it. The kids and I get along most of the time with a few occasional moments but the fighting has sort of just diminished. Sometimes there are people in life who are just no good together and I finally realized that.
I look forward to my future and all it holds to reveal itself to me. I am happy now, happier than I have been in so many years. I have someone in my life who helps me get through my bad days and shares with me the good days. I have never smiled so much.
I am so thankful for my kids, My Miji, Family, health and everything in between and around that I have in my life. What a difference a year makes.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Happy (Yes I Said Happy) Friday the 13th!
Today is Friday the 13th. Clouds are looming outside and it's gray and cold. Most people think of Friday the 13th as something superstitous and freak out when they realize the date. I think if they would have never made a movie about friday the 13th and all the stupid sequels that went along with it people would never have thought twice about the date. The 13th happens on many days and Friday is supposed to be a great day, the start to days off, it's funny. people are superstitious and this just happens to be a superstitous day, I get it.
I grew up hearing lots of crazy superstitions that I am sure most people have heard of too, and I have to admit that sometimes I am drawn into those superstitions. Don't spill salt and if you do pick some up and throw it behind your back. If a black cat crosses your path it means bad luck. Those are just a few of the normal ones. Growing up with a Mexican dad I heard a lot of crazy ones!
With the weather the way it is and a chance of rain on the way the date makes people freak out even more. I used to hate the dark clouds coming in and any hint of rain outside. My advice to anyone who wants to be a homeowner is make sure the roof is fairly new and in good shape and have a good inspector. I learned the hard way and hired my own inspector who ended up not thoroughly checking the roof. I learned fairly quick what section of WalMart to locate tarps to use on a leaky roof. I used to hate the rain in that house.
I am not there anymore though. I went from huge house to cozy apartment. I love the rain now and it makes me want to just sit in front of my fireplace with the one I love and just be thankful I am where I am supposed to be in my life. Sometimes when it was as bright and sunny as could be in my old house I still felt a sense of clouds looming overhead and it had nothing to do with the weather. Unhappiness can make every day seem like a storm when you are with someone who takes away your sunshine. It's funny how one day you think there is no way out of a situation and when you finally find your way out you wonder what took you so long.
These days I love the rain and I even request to listen to the rain app on his phone when it's quiet. The rain doesn't bother me anymore because I have finally reached the point in my life where the sun is shining again, and it has nothing to do with the weather.
Oh and Friday the 13th makes me smile because it was the day that seems so long ago now (even though it hasn't been long at all) that I met the one who makes me smile no matter what clouds may be looming outside. I feel so free, I feel so lucky, I am so happy.
I grew up hearing lots of crazy superstitions that I am sure most people have heard of too, and I have to admit that sometimes I am drawn into those superstitions. Don't spill salt and if you do pick some up and throw it behind your back. If a black cat crosses your path it means bad luck. Those are just a few of the normal ones. Growing up with a Mexican dad I heard a lot of crazy ones!
With the weather the way it is and a chance of rain on the way the date makes people freak out even more. I used to hate the dark clouds coming in and any hint of rain outside. My advice to anyone who wants to be a homeowner is make sure the roof is fairly new and in good shape and have a good inspector. I learned the hard way and hired my own inspector who ended up not thoroughly checking the roof. I learned fairly quick what section of WalMart to locate tarps to use on a leaky roof. I used to hate the rain in that house.
I am not there anymore though. I went from huge house to cozy apartment. I love the rain now and it makes me want to just sit in front of my fireplace with the one I love and just be thankful I am where I am supposed to be in my life. Sometimes when it was as bright and sunny as could be in my old house I still felt a sense of clouds looming overhead and it had nothing to do with the weather. Unhappiness can make every day seem like a storm when you are with someone who takes away your sunshine. It's funny how one day you think there is no way out of a situation and when you finally find your way out you wonder what took you so long.
These days I love the rain and I even request to listen to the rain app on his phone when it's quiet. The rain doesn't bother me anymore because I have finally reached the point in my life where the sun is shining again, and it has nothing to do with the weather.
Oh and Friday the 13th makes me smile because it was the day that seems so long ago now (even though it hasn't been long at all) that I met the one who makes me smile no matter what clouds may be looming outside. I feel so free, I feel so lucky, I am so happy.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Life With Rainbow Bunny
I am sure you all are like me wondering how in the heck Easter is here already. It snuck up on us quick this year! I can't say I totally forgot about it I mean there have been little reminders like Easter cards and candy since March. I look at the kids and wonder where the years have gone. I remember when they were younger that right about now I would be stressing out running around trying to get their Easter baskets together. Now I could hand them money in place of the basket and they will be just as happy.
When my daughter was younger we bought her this little stuffed rabbit toy and he was all different colors. She loved him so much when we gave it to her and she affectionately named him, "Rainbow Bunny". That was about when she was four and now here she is on the verge of becoming 16 years old. There are still things she brings to my apartment from her dad's house and yesterday she brought Rainbow Bunny to my place.
He is still the same old bunny, except now he seems a little droopier and his colors have faded a bit from all the washing machine cycles he has been through. You never think about things like if the Rainbow Bunny would be around all these years and at the same time wondering where you would be in your life. When I first bought that bunny I never would have guessed that my life would take all the turns that it has. When I bought Rainbow Bunny I was just 28 years old, that was 12 years ago! So many things have happened since then. Even from just a year ago things have changed so much. Last year we were getting ready for our big church play that is put on each year. My daughter was involved and helping backstage with makeup while I volunteered to work in the nursery. This year while we are still looking forward to going to this wonderful play, we didn't get involved in the behind the scenes of it because of everything that is going on in our lives.
I drop off the kids at their dad's house and think about how much I wanted that house when we first got it. I think about all the work I put into that house myself by refinishing the hardwood floor in the living room, taking down the popcorn ceiling, painting all the rooms. My love for the house started to diminish though with endless fighting and the feeling of just wanting to leave. It feels so cold now. While there were a few good times there, most of my memories of us as a family in that house are bad. This time last year I never would have thought I would have ever had the courage to ever leave that marriage or a house I was jointly responsible for, yes things have changed.
It has been a rough road but it has been the road I know I was supposed to take to get me where I am today. While I have been told I am not a morning person (and I think the kids take after me too) I wake up feeling blessed and happy and at peace. It is uncertain what may happen with that house. I hope he is able to keep it if he wants to, but who knows. It was not my destiny to be happy there but maybe it will be someone else's happy place one day.
These days I am focused on living a life less complicated. I have never felt more love in my life than I do right now. Just hearing someone tell you they love you and knowing with all your heart they mean it is so wonderful. Having my kids around me most of the time and seeing them getting along more and fight less is so incredible. I know they are in a place where they can be happy again and not have to worry about their parents not getting along. It has been a long journey and I can't believe how happy I feel. There are times I want to scream out loud to never give up hope.
12 years later I have finally found the place where I am supposed to be, the people I am supposed to be with and the life I was meant to have and Rainbow Bunny has stuck with me through it all!
Happy Easter on Sunday to all of you and I hope you all are exactly where you want to be in your lives<3!
When my daughter was younger we bought her this little stuffed rabbit toy and he was all different colors. She loved him so much when we gave it to her and she affectionately named him, "Rainbow Bunny". That was about when she was four and now here she is on the verge of becoming 16 years old. There are still things she brings to my apartment from her dad's house and yesterday she brought Rainbow Bunny to my place.
He is still the same old bunny, except now he seems a little droopier and his colors have faded a bit from all the washing machine cycles he has been through. You never think about things like if the Rainbow Bunny would be around all these years and at the same time wondering where you would be in your life. When I first bought that bunny I never would have guessed that my life would take all the turns that it has. When I bought Rainbow Bunny I was just 28 years old, that was 12 years ago! So many things have happened since then. Even from just a year ago things have changed so much. Last year we were getting ready for our big church play that is put on each year. My daughter was involved and helping backstage with makeup while I volunteered to work in the nursery. This year while we are still looking forward to going to this wonderful play, we didn't get involved in the behind the scenes of it because of everything that is going on in our lives.
I drop off the kids at their dad's house and think about how much I wanted that house when we first got it. I think about all the work I put into that house myself by refinishing the hardwood floor in the living room, taking down the popcorn ceiling, painting all the rooms. My love for the house started to diminish though with endless fighting and the feeling of just wanting to leave. It feels so cold now. While there were a few good times there, most of my memories of us as a family in that house are bad. This time last year I never would have thought I would have ever had the courage to ever leave that marriage or a house I was jointly responsible for, yes things have changed.
It has been a rough road but it has been the road I know I was supposed to take to get me where I am today. While I have been told I am not a morning person (and I think the kids take after me too) I wake up feeling blessed and happy and at peace. It is uncertain what may happen with that house. I hope he is able to keep it if he wants to, but who knows. It was not my destiny to be happy there but maybe it will be someone else's happy place one day.
These days I am focused on living a life less complicated. I have never felt more love in my life than I do right now. Just hearing someone tell you they love you and knowing with all your heart they mean it is so wonderful. Having my kids around me most of the time and seeing them getting along more and fight less is so incredible. I know they are in a place where they can be happy again and not have to worry about their parents not getting along. It has been a long journey and I can't believe how happy I feel. There are times I want to scream out loud to never give up hope.
12 years later I have finally found the place where I am supposed to be, the people I am supposed to be with and the life I was meant to have and Rainbow Bunny has stuck with me through it all!
Happy Easter on Sunday to all of you and I hope you all are exactly where you want to be in your lives<3!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
It's Supposed To Be This Way...
I remember writing in my blog once that one day I was going to be able to tell you that instead of my all kinds of crazy feeling that I was going to have the all kinds of happy feeling, and now I am happy to report that I am happy!
This feeling comes from taking the steps I needed to take to get me to the place I needed to be. While I can't say that I am there 100%, I am more than halfway there. There are times I am laying on the floor of my apartment when I am all alone and just listen to the quiet. Gone from my atmosphere is constant fighting, complaining and the feeling I used to get when I would drive home from work of dread for what was going to face me when I got home. I actually look forward to going home now and spending time with the ones I love.
I remember being so scared to just walk away from things like owning a house and the fear that took hold of me regarding the unknown. I look at those things now and though I am still not sure what the outcome will be on home ownership and credit that just may take a dive I know that there is nothing that God will give me that I can't handle someway, somehow.
A wonderful friend told me that those things are just things and my happiness means more. She was so right. Being in my apartment gives me a sense of peace and freedom that I thought I would never feel again. It;s hard to live your life everyday wondering when yet knowing that soon someone in the house would fight and that just was not me anymore, I actually reached my breaking point and it was one of the best things that has happened to me in so long.
This is actually the first year (aside from holidays) in about 14 years that we actually sit together at the table and eat together and talk about our days. Little things like this continue to blow my mind each day. Of course there are days when something may get me down or I may get upset at something but that is just life happening and I know in my heart that I am so much better off.
I think back to everything leading up to where I am today and I shake my head. There were times I thought I was meant to be unhappy for the rest of my life but deep down inside I never gave up that small glimmer of hope and I remember praying for God to get me to the place I needed and wanted to be to be happy again, and here I am.
I may not have a lot but I know that I am where I am supposed to be right now with these amazing people in my life who have helped me remember how to smile and how to love again.
This feeling comes from taking the steps I needed to take to get me to the place I needed to be. While I can't say that I am there 100%, I am more than halfway there. There are times I am laying on the floor of my apartment when I am all alone and just listen to the quiet. Gone from my atmosphere is constant fighting, complaining and the feeling I used to get when I would drive home from work of dread for what was going to face me when I got home. I actually look forward to going home now and spending time with the ones I love.
I remember being so scared to just walk away from things like owning a house and the fear that took hold of me regarding the unknown. I look at those things now and though I am still not sure what the outcome will be on home ownership and credit that just may take a dive I know that there is nothing that God will give me that I can't handle someway, somehow.
A wonderful friend told me that those things are just things and my happiness means more. She was so right. Being in my apartment gives me a sense of peace and freedom that I thought I would never feel again. It;s hard to live your life everyday wondering when yet knowing that soon someone in the house would fight and that just was not me anymore, I actually reached my breaking point and it was one of the best things that has happened to me in so long.
This is actually the first year (aside from holidays) in about 14 years that we actually sit together at the table and eat together and talk about our days. Little things like this continue to blow my mind each day. Of course there are days when something may get me down or I may get upset at something but that is just life happening and I know in my heart that I am so much better off.
I think back to everything leading up to where I am today and I shake my head. There were times I thought I was meant to be unhappy for the rest of my life but deep down inside I never gave up that small glimmer of hope and I remember praying for God to get me to the place I needed and wanted to be to be happy again, and here I am.
I may not have a lot but I know that I am where I am supposed to be right now with these amazing people in my life who have helped me remember how to smile and how to love again.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Along Life's Journey...
When my kids were little they loved each other so much. They laughed together and played together...that was then. I can't say they don't like each other now but they are both teenagers and they have those moments when they are going back and forth and you as their parent stand in the middle of them wishing that Calgon would just take you away. Of course there are those moments when we are all just sitting there and all is as it should be and I enjoy those moments the best.
I know that one day, or at least I hope, that the two of them will grow as close as I have with my siblings. When we were younger it seemed there was never a dull moment and we all drove each other crazy. I am sure my Mom thought she was going to have to jump off a cliff to avoid us being such jerks most of the time...and then there's now.
We grew up and evolved and something wonderful happened, we became friends and discovered that we not only like each other but that we actually love each other too. Now don't get me wrong , we have our differences at times but we always come back to the place where we should be. We know that through thick and thin or whatever the case may be that we have each other's back.
On my crazy journey that I am on right now I have found that even still my siblings stand right behind me to encourage, support and love. I have never experienced a moving situation that happened within an two hours but my Sister and Brother rallied up the troops and we got it done to get their little sis into her own little slice of heaven AKA my apartment.
Whenever I need advice, whenever I need help, they are always there, no matter what and I love them all so much. Brothers and Sisters are like forced friends that you eventually grow to love and I am thankful for all three of mine.
My Sister helped me out with something today that she knew would give me peace of mind and bring me happiness, and I am so grateful for her. My Sissy is like a mom to me and she is one of my best friends. She never judges me, she loves me and she is always here for me and I am eternally grateful that God puts people in our lives who he knows we will need and love along life's journey.
I know that one day, or at least I hope, that the two of them will grow as close as I have with my siblings. When we were younger it seemed there was never a dull moment and we all drove each other crazy. I am sure my Mom thought she was going to have to jump off a cliff to avoid us being such jerks most of the time...and then there's now.
We grew up and evolved and something wonderful happened, we became friends and discovered that we not only like each other but that we actually love each other too. Now don't get me wrong , we have our differences at times but we always come back to the place where we should be. We know that through thick and thin or whatever the case may be that we have each other's back.
On my crazy journey that I am on right now I have found that even still my siblings stand right behind me to encourage, support and love. I have never experienced a moving situation that happened within an two hours but my Sister and Brother rallied up the troops and we got it done to get their little sis into her own little slice of heaven AKA my apartment.
Whenever I need advice, whenever I need help, they are always there, no matter what and I love them all so much. Brothers and Sisters are like forced friends that you eventually grow to love and I am thankful for all three of mine.
My Sister helped me out with something today that she knew would give me peace of mind and bring me happiness, and I am so grateful for her. My Sissy is like a mom to me and she is one of my best friends. She never judges me, she loves me and she is always here for me and I am eternally grateful that God puts people in our lives who he knows we will need and love along life's journey.
Monday, March 19, 2012
With You All The Way...
As my journey continues I have found that as much as we want things in life to go our way...they don't. Just when you think you can see the finish line another hurdle is thrown in your way that you have to jump, which can be really overwhelming when you hate hurdles in the first place.
Yesterday was the LA Marathon and I thought back to 2008 when I ran, walked and hurt my knee in that marathon. Up to about mile 14 I was doing great and then my knee totally started cramping and feeling like it was going to give out. It was then that I wanted to give up but I realized I had gone that far and there was no way that I was going to give up, I mean I only had 12.2 miles to go. Needless to say I pushed on with encouragement from the crowds and texts from friends and family and thought of that medal that I was going to be able to show off forever. Yeah, I know it was just a medal but to me that medal meant a great victory and accomplishment. In the end it took me a little over 8 hours but I still walked across that finish line and got that medal! While I will never do it again, I can smile and say I did that.
Lately this big hurdle in my life keeps getting thrown at me and after a few times I swear I wanted to just give up. I was overwhelmed and mad that for some people things just come so easy. Like the day I ran the marathon, I have this amazing support that picked me up to jump over the hurdle to see the finish line again. When all I wanted to do was cry there was this person in my life who was there for me to help me see the bigger picture and to help me remember that negativity and giving up won't get you anywhere...and everyday it continues.
I have never been in such a place in my life where I feel at ease with all of the decisions I have made this year. My New Year's resolution was to be positive and happy. I cannot say that everyday has been positive or happy but I have found that when I am upset and start to look at the options, the only way out is to be positive. However, like many others I fall prey to negativity and things in my life that make me mad. I said recently that I don't go looking for negativity but it seems to find me and when it does it is hard to be happy and in a positive mood. Luckily for me my wonderfully positive person knows just what to say and do to bring me back to the place of positivity. It is wonderful to have someone in your life like this who gives you so much support and love and suggestions to get you back on track to your finish line.
There is a hurdle in my way right now that I am preparing to jump over. I hope when I jump over this that there will be no hurdles left, though I know that there's always a chance there will always be one more. Like the marathon it may take me a while to get to the finish line but I can't give up now. I have come this far. It is going to happen, it just may take a little longer so I will pray that God gives me endurance, faith, strength and patience.
As we drive down the road I look to the left and I smile when I am reassured by the look he gives me that everything will be ok, and that is just what I need.
Yesterday was the LA Marathon and I thought back to 2008 when I ran, walked and hurt my knee in that marathon. Up to about mile 14 I was doing great and then my knee totally started cramping and feeling like it was going to give out. It was then that I wanted to give up but I realized I had gone that far and there was no way that I was going to give up, I mean I only had 12.2 miles to go. Needless to say I pushed on with encouragement from the crowds and texts from friends and family and thought of that medal that I was going to be able to show off forever. Yeah, I know it was just a medal but to me that medal meant a great victory and accomplishment. In the end it took me a little over 8 hours but I still walked across that finish line and got that medal! While I will never do it again, I can smile and say I did that.
Lately this big hurdle in my life keeps getting thrown at me and after a few times I swear I wanted to just give up. I was overwhelmed and mad that for some people things just come so easy. Like the day I ran the marathon, I have this amazing support that picked me up to jump over the hurdle to see the finish line again. When all I wanted to do was cry there was this person in my life who was there for me to help me see the bigger picture and to help me remember that negativity and giving up won't get you anywhere...and everyday it continues.
I have never been in such a place in my life where I feel at ease with all of the decisions I have made this year. My New Year's resolution was to be positive and happy. I cannot say that everyday has been positive or happy but I have found that when I am upset and start to look at the options, the only way out is to be positive. However, like many others I fall prey to negativity and things in my life that make me mad. I said recently that I don't go looking for negativity but it seems to find me and when it does it is hard to be happy and in a positive mood. Luckily for me my wonderfully positive person knows just what to say and do to bring me back to the place of positivity. It is wonderful to have someone in your life like this who gives you so much support and love and suggestions to get you back on track to your finish line.
There is a hurdle in my way right now that I am preparing to jump over. I hope when I jump over this that there will be no hurdles left, though I know that there's always a chance there will always be one more. Like the marathon it may take me a while to get to the finish line but I can't give up now. I have come this far. It is going to happen, it just may take a little longer so I will pray that God gives me endurance, faith, strength and patience.
As we drive down the road I look to the left and I smile when I am reassured by the look he gives me that everything will be ok, and that is just what I need.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
You Are Not Judge Judy...
Ok, so this week has brought me a new subject in many different forms of the same thing that I need to express myself about. Can anyone please tell me when the whole world went to law school and suddenly became a judge? I don't know about things that are going on in your life but lately in mine it's like people decided that their main occupation is to be my personal judge, how did that happen?
In life everyone is entitled to their opinions and that's okay but why do people have to be so mean and judgemental without even realizing that perhaps they should look at their own lives before they judge others.
For years I have been in a miserable place and no one is to blame but myself for staying for so long. But then something magical happened and I woke up. I realized that I no longer wanted to feel so lifeless and dead on the inside. I wanted to be happy and positive and that is what my new year's resolution was. So far this year it has been mind blowing. I have had the most fun and been the happiest I have been in about 15 years. I suddenly remembered how to smile again and I don't hate going home anymore each day after work because I am going to my own little slice of heaven known as my apartment. My kids are happy again and they finally have a place where they can be kids without all the drama that they have known for so long. I also have someone in my life that makes me laugh and remember that I am a wonderful person.
I am on my road to self discovery and it feels amazing and isn't that what we all want to feel like? Then why do people think they can just come into your happy zone and mess it up? Everyone always has something to say but they never realize how hurtful it may sound. It's these people who for years told you you were not happy and you needed to leave and then all of a sudden you do and they don't agree with your choices.
I know I am a good person and I also know that I am not perfect. Many of you have witnessed some of my non perfect days on Facebook or just in person and while most of you are my cheerleaders, I also know there are a select few just this week who have showed me that judges come in all forms...even those who according to Romans 2:1 should not judge. I am proud to say that I believe in God and I know my faith. I have been a member of a wonderful church in Colton that I still believe in, even though there have been people that have been so judgemental there that it has made me stand back and really question what is right for me. It's awful when you go somewhere to feel good and you leave feeling worse because of comments of judgemental people. I would just like to tell people that sometimes in life no matter what you think, there are some marriages that just need to end. Yes, God can restore a lot of things but sometimes people don't want to be restored because of everything leading up to that point. No I am not saying not to forgive, but I am simply saying that sometimes things just have to end and for good reason. Does that make anybody bad, no. I guess it is really hard to understand if you have never been in my situation and vice versa.
People are quick to give advice, even when it is not asked for. The sad thing is that even these judges in your life have lives that could also be deemed more blasphemous than yours yet they never think that they have anything that needs fixing. Why can't people just be happy for you if you are happy, why do they always like to throw stones?
Frankie says I told her something a long time ago that I don't remember but I probably did say it. She said I told her I was happy, this was my choice and to either get on board or not. Perfectly said. I have one judge that I will have to answer to when I come to the end of my journey here on earth and that's God. I know I am not a saint but I also know I am not the devil himself. I, me alone will have to answer to him about my life, not you or anybody else. I can't tell my heart what to feel and right now it's in one of the best places it has ever been. I feel so many levels of happiness that I alone cannot even explain and one thing I have that was missing before is peace of mind.
To all my critics out there religious and not, my advice to you is this. Everyone you come across in life is going through something. Love them for the person they are and be happy for them if they are happy and when they are sad be their shoulder to cry on if they need to. If they wanted a judge, they can go down to the county courthouse. The world is sad enough without people who we think are our friends trying to bring us down. Maybe my life is turning on a different path than what you thought it would or should be...and that may just be a good thing.
In life everyone is entitled to their opinions and that's okay but why do people have to be so mean and judgemental without even realizing that perhaps they should look at their own lives before they judge others.
For years I have been in a miserable place and no one is to blame but myself for staying for so long. But then something magical happened and I woke up. I realized that I no longer wanted to feel so lifeless and dead on the inside. I wanted to be happy and positive and that is what my new year's resolution was. So far this year it has been mind blowing. I have had the most fun and been the happiest I have been in about 15 years. I suddenly remembered how to smile again and I don't hate going home anymore each day after work because I am going to my own little slice of heaven known as my apartment. My kids are happy again and they finally have a place where they can be kids without all the drama that they have known for so long. I also have someone in my life that makes me laugh and remember that I am a wonderful person.
I am on my road to self discovery and it feels amazing and isn't that what we all want to feel like? Then why do people think they can just come into your happy zone and mess it up? Everyone always has something to say but they never realize how hurtful it may sound. It's these people who for years told you you were not happy and you needed to leave and then all of a sudden you do and they don't agree with your choices.
I know I am a good person and I also know that I am not perfect. Many of you have witnessed some of my non perfect days on Facebook or just in person and while most of you are my cheerleaders, I also know there are a select few just this week who have showed me that judges come in all forms...even those who according to Romans 2:1 should not judge. I am proud to say that I believe in God and I know my faith. I have been a member of a wonderful church in Colton that I still believe in, even though there have been people that have been so judgemental there that it has made me stand back and really question what is right for me. It's awful when you go somewhere to feel good and you leave feeling worse because of comments of judgemental people. I would just like to tell people that sometimes in life no matter what you think, there are some marriages that just need to end. Yes, God can restore a lot of things but sometimes people don't want to be restored because of everything leading up to that point. No I am not saying not to forgive, but I am simply saying that sometimes things just have to end and for good reason. Does that make anybody bad, no. I guess it is really hard to understand if you have never been in my situation and vice versa.
People are quick to give advice, even when it is not asked for. The sad thing is that even these judges in your life have lives that could also be deemed more blasphemous than yours yet they never think that they have anything that needs fixing. Why can't people just be happy for you if you are happy, why do they always like to throw stones?
Frankie says I told her something a long time ago that I don't remember but I probably did say it. She said I told her I was happy, this was my choice and to either get on board or not. Perfectly said. I have one judge that I will have to answer to when I come to the end of my journey here on earth and that's God. I know I am not a saint but I also know I am not the devil himself. I, me alone will have to answer to him about my life, not you or anybody else. I can't tell my heart what to feel and right now it's in one of the best places it has ever been. I feel so many levels of happiness that I alone cannot even explain and one thing I have that was missing before is peace of mind.
To all my critics out there religious and not, my advice to you is this. Everyone you come across in life is going through something. Love them for the person they are and be happy for them if they are happy and when they are sad be their shoulder to cry on if they need to. If they wanted a judge, they can go down to the county courthouse. The world is sad enough without people who we think are our friends trying to bring us down. Maybe my life is turning on a different path than what you thought it would or should be...and that may just be a good thing.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
On A Day Like Today...
Today I went outside and sat there on talking on the phone during a break. It's this patio that has a really nice view and on a cold day like today you could see the the clouds hugging the mountains and lights twinkling outside because it's so dark out. I used to hate days like today because it was just a reminder that the weather was reminiscent of my life..dark and gloomy. Don't get me wrong, my kiddos, the loves of my life helped to take the gloominess away but there was still sadness because of the loneliness I have felt for so long where I was.
But there I was talking on the phone to the person in my life who has changed my attitude about life so much. I was actually smiling and on a day like today...imagine that! I went back to my desk and was instantly reminded again of this person because of the beautiful red roses I received yesterday for a day I hated for so long and not to mention the heart pendant that now has residence around my neck.
If someone from the future were to pull me aside and tell me that I would be this happy, I would not have believed them. Me being happy? Yeah right! That was only something I dreamed about because I believed my destiny was to be there where I had been for so long.
Last year while walking around Wal-Mart I was looking at some cute thing and remarked to my daughter how that would look so cute in our apartment when she said something that made me realize I had to leave. She said, "We're not leaving anywhere, you're not strong enough to leave Mom." I remember the feeling of the tears stinging my eyes as we walked through the store. This is how my daughter felt and it made me sad because I knew that deep down inside I could be strong but had not been in so long which is what she saw.
I knew that I had to show her that I was strong so that she would remember that about me.
And now here I am. Though there are pending technicalities I have never felt more free. I have never felt more happy. I have never felt more love. I have my kids throughout the week, I have my apartment, I have a car and my job...and I have Mijin...things are looking more beautiful with each new day.
But there I was talking on the phone to the person in my life who has changed my attitude about life so much. I was actually smiling and on a day like today...imagine that! I went back to my desk and was instantly reminded again of this person because of the beautiful red roses I received yesterday for a day I hated for so long and not to mention the heart pendant that now has residence around my neck.
If someone from the future were to pull me aside and tell me that I would be this happy, I would not have believed them. Me being happy? Yeah right! That was only something I dreamed about because I believed my destiny was to be there where I had been for so long.
Last year while walking around Wal-Mart I was looking at some cute thing and remarked to my daughter how that would look so cute in our apartment when she said something that made me realize I had to leave. She said, "We're not leaving anywhere, you're not strong enough to leave Mom." I remember the feeling of the tears stinging my eyes as we walked through the store. This is how my daughter felt and it made me sad because I knew that deep down inside I could be strong but had not been in so long which is what she saw.
I knew that I had to show her that I was strong so that she would remember that about me.
And now here I am. Though there are pending technicalities I have never felt more free. I have never felt more happy. I have never felt more love. I have my kids throughout the week, I have my apartment, I have a car and my job...and I have Mijin...things are looking more beautiful with each new day.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Love is...
Happy Valentine's Day! Today many people will wake up and be excited about their plans for a romantic evenng with the ones that they love. Some will wake up lonely and wish for a love they once or maybe even never knew. Whatever the case may be for you I pray that you are blessed and have some kind of love in your life since they say love makes the world go round.
When I think of Valentine's Day I think about hearts. Did you know that February is National Heart month? This makes me think of my Dad. In 2005 my Dad passed away due in part to his bad heart. Through the years my dad didn't really watch his health until one day he had a heart attack and the doctors told him he had five years to live. Each year he would countdown, he actually lived six years after. I love food just as much as the next girl but with this message I am asking that you all love yourselves to watch your health and get screened for any issues with your hearts and anything else:)
I used to be scared of my dad dying when I was little and he told me that even when he died he would live on in my heart, boy was he right! Lately I have felt his presence all around me and I smile. I have his picture hanging right in the middle of all my pictures on my wall in my new apartment. There he is just smiling and somehow giving me his approval of all things new and wonderful that have taken place in my life. I miss him so much each day but I know I will see him again.
I think of my kids on this day and wish them love and happiness and that they will be blessed with a love so wonderful one day that they will feel blessed and be happy. I wish all of you happiness and love also. There I go sounding all warm and fuzzy but I can't help it.
While my life is changing I feel so happy and I suddenly feel surrounded by love. It's amazing how things can change in a way that you thought was never possible. I am here to tell you never to give up hope and always believe in love. Happy Valentine's Day! I love you all!
When I think of Valentine's Day I think about hearts. Did you know that February is National Heart month? This makes me think of my Dad. In 2005 my Dad passed away due in part to his bad heart. Through the years my dad didn't really watch his health until one day he had a heart attack and the doctors told him he had five years to live. Each year he would countdown, he actually lived six years after. I love food just as much as the next girl but with this message I am asking that you all love yourselves to watch your health and get screened for any issues with your hearts and anything else:)
I used to be scared of my dad dying when I was little and he told me that even when he died he would live on in my heart, boy was he right! Lately I have felt his presence all around me and I smile. I have his picture hanging right in the middle of all my pictures on my wall in my new apartment. There he is just smiling and somehow giving me his approval of all things new and wonderful that have taken place in my life. I miss him so much each day but I know I will see him again.
I think of my kids on this day and wish them love and happiness and that they will be blessed with a love so wonderful one day that they will feel blessed and be happy. I wish all of you happiness and love also. There I go sounding all warm and fuzzy but I can't help it.
While my life is changing I feel so happy and I suddenly feel surrounded by love. It's amazing how things can change in a way that you thought was never possible. I am here to tell you never to give up hope and always believe in love. Happy Valentine's Day! I love you all!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
All Kinds Of...ME
I am looking at the title of my blog and see All Kinds of Crazy. All I can think of is wow! I wrote in one of my blogs of my past that maybe one day I would change it to All Kinds of Happy. I guess it is now that I am at that point in my life where I have felt all kinds of happy, and peaceful and content and amazing. No longer do I feel all kinds of crazy but I will keep calling my blog this to remind me of just how far I have come and where I never want to go back to.
Words alone cannot express my happiness. I never thought that I would feel this way again, especially after being told for so long so many negative things that you come to believe are true about yourself. Then finally someone shows up who tells you things to slowly bring you back to the person you know you are. You finally realize..."Wow, so this is what it feels like". It is truly amazing how awesome life can be when there are people in your life who believe in you.
I feel lately as if I am in a dream and anytime now I am going to wake up and find myself in the place I felt so trapped for so long, but each day only gets better. I never would have believed pressing one button on my keyboard would have brought me to one of the happiest places I have been in sooo long.
I am a person who truly believes in signs that the universe sends us to let us know where we are supposed to be in life. I am still amazed at all the little signs I have received since last month that are pointing out that I am exactly where I need to be. I wake up feeling at peace with myself and not having to fight or lose more self esteem from all the negative things I was told. I followed my heart and I knew eventually my heart would lead me here...
Words alone cannot express my happiness. I never thought that I would feel this way again, especially after being told for so long so many negative things that you come to believe are true about yourself. Then finally someone shows up who tells you things to slowly bring you back to the person you know you are. You finally realize..."Wow, so this is what it feels like". It is truly amazing how awesome life can be when there are people in your life who believe in you.
I feel lately as if I am in a dream and anytime now I am going to wake up and find myself in the place I felt so trapped for so long, but each day only gets better. I never would have believed pressing one button on my keyboard would have brought me to one of the happiest places I have been in sooo long.
I am a person who truly believes in signs that the universe sends us to let us know where we are supposed to be in life. I am still amazed at all the little signs I have received since last month that are pointing out that I am exactly where I need to be. I wake up feeling at peace with myself and not having to fight or lose more self esteem from all the negative things I was told. I followed my heart and I knew eventually my heart would lead me here...
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Hearts and Peeps
Wow! I have come a long, long way. Tonight I sit here thinking about my future. While there is some worry about whether or not I can do it, the happiness I feel balances it out and slowly the worry fades away. The life I looked forward to 19 years ago is done. It's funny when you meet someone and make them your whole world and everything seems close to perfect you never think it will end. Little girls don't play Barbies and divorce Ken...but then again Barbie isn't real life.
There is really nothing left to say except it's time to press forward and find my destiny. I have so many things I have given up throughout the years that I want to pursue. I long so much to be an accomplished writer. I have submitted my work to publishers and literary agents and I am not giving up. Once we give up on our dreams, what's left to hope for, right? I don't only dream at night, I also dream in the daytime about so many things.
I dream about being happy and I think of how far I have come in just this year. The happiness I have found seems to illuminate me and make me glow and so many people have commented on how happy I look. Not only do I look it, I feel it from deep within and it's the greatest feeling I have felt in such a long time. Each year since about 1997 I vowed that with the start of each January 1st I would make a resolution that that would be my year that brought forth change and happiness. Each year though I would falter and fall victim to another year of unhappiness. It is amazing how wonderful life can be when you stand up and realize that you deserve so much more.
Though there are still little shots of worry that flash through my mind, I know that I can do this. I have come a long way and I have experienced what life should have been like for so long. I am happy and in a state of peace of mind, things that I was missing for so long.
I can't take all the credit though. There have been my cheerleaders rooting for me all along. My kids, my family and my besties and others as well. I did it but I needed a push, and boy did I get that push! So to you who have been there with me all along I just want to say thank you for being patient with me and letting me do things in my own time. I knew I could do it...and so did you.
To anyone who is scared to do something in life because you are scared of change, I would tell you to listen to your heart, and when that doesn't work...listen to your people.
There is really nothing left to say except it's time to press forward and find my destiny. I have so many things I have given up throughout the years that I want to pursue. I long so much to be an accomplished writer. I have submitted my work to publishers and literary agents and I am not giving up. Once we give up on our dreams, what's left to hope for, right? I don't only dream at night, I also dream in the daytime about so many things.
I dream about being happy and I think of how far I have come in just this year. The happiness I have found seems to illuminate me and make me glow and so many people have commented on how happy I look. Not only do I look it, I feel it from deep within and it's the greatest feeling I have felt in such a long time. Each year since about 1997 I vowed that with the start of each January 1st I would make a resolution that that would be my year that brought forth change and happiness. Each year though I would falter and fall victim to another year of unhappiness. It is amazing how wonderful life can be when you stand up and realize that you deserve so much more.
Though there are still little shots of worry that flash through my mind, I know that I can do this. I have come a long way and I have experienced what life should have been like for so long. I am happy and in a state of peace of mind, things that I was missing for so long.
I can't take all the credit though. There have been my cheerleaders rooting for me all along. My kids, my family and my besties and others as well. I did it but I needed a push, and boy did I get that push! So to you who have been there with me all along I just want to say thank you for being patient with me and letting me do things in my own time. I knew I could do it...and so did you.
To anyone who is scared to do something in life because you are scared of change, I would tell you to listen to your heart, and when that doesn't work...listen to your people.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Seasons Change And So Do Names...
So today I did something that was weird...I changed my name on facebook back to what my name was in the first week of September 1995...Morales. So...for those of you who are looking for me as Kitchen, you won't find me there. I am finally going to say to you all if you don't know that I am in the process of going through a divorce.
Whenever you hear celebrities file for divorce their reps always issue statements to the press and public about how this is a difficult time and we should honor their privacy. I now know what that means. See, unless you are someone close to me who I choose to tell I post metaphor type blogs that people understand, though some don't.
I have chosen to move on in my life and do what is best for all involved and I will definately admit that it is sad and a hard thing to do, but life is too short to live unhappy and I finally got that. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions but unless you really know the situation inside and out it's hard to really gauge.
I lived a lot of years being sad and unhappy and as Ant's boy DJ Rowdy A said, "Life is too short...you only live once." I want to live my life knowing I did all that I could to be happy. I promised myself that 2012 was going to be different and I was going to be positive and happy and I have to tell you that so far it has been phenomenal. I wake up smiling, I go to bed smiling and I smile in between as well. Though this whole process is crazy and hard at times I am not going to let it get in my way of being happy.
I have had so many people in a certain place question me and my intentions of this process that instead of leaving there feeling good, I feel sad and guilty of my decisions to move on in my life happier than I have been in so many years. Honor my privacy? No, you don't have to do that, but at least honor my decision and smile when you see how happy I am. I may not be perfect, but really...who is?
John 8:7 says: He said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Life is meant to be lived and we all take different paths and though the path may be different from your own or your idea of what others paths may be, it isn't yours to take.
Unless I ask for your advice or if you are my closest friends and family who give me their advice no matter what, just know that I am in a better place, a happy place. Am I going straight to hell, who knows. I hope not. I'm still the same me. I teach sunday school and love it, I still listen to KSGN, I haven't dropped out of church entirely and yes, I still believe. Just like the Jennifer Lopez song titled UNTIL IT BEATS NO MORE says..."I'm alive, I can breathe, I can feel, I believe and there ain't no doubt about it it's love and I have found it feel the beat again, stronger than before, I'm gonna give you my heart until it beats no more." That's how I feel.
I have realized that life is given to us as a gift from God each day and we should live it and be happy and no matter what happens we should be at peace with ourselves and our decisions because the only person we really have to answer to in the end is the big guy upstairs.
Whenever you hear celebrities file for divorce their reps always issue statements to the press and public about how this is a difficult time and we should honor their privacy. I now know what that means. See, unless you are someone close to me who I choose to tell I post metaphor type blogs that people understand, though some don't.
I have chosen to move on in my life and do what is best for all involved and I will definately admit that it is sad and a hard thing to do, but life is too short to live unhappy and I finally got that. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions but unless you really know the situation inside and out it's hard to really gauge.
I lived a lot of years being sad and unhappy and as Ant's boy DJ Rowdy A said, "Life is too short...you only live once." I want to live my life knowing I did all that I could to be happy. I promised myself that 2012 was going to be different and I was going to be positive and happy and I have to tell you that so far it has been phenomenal. I wake up smiling, I go to bed smiling and I smile in between as well. Though this whole process is crazy and hard at times I am not going to let it get in my way of being happy.
I have had so many people in a certain place question me and my intentions of this process that instead of leaving there feeling good, I feel sad and guilty of my decisions to move on in my life happier than I have been in so many years. Honor my privacy? No, you don't have to do that, but at least honor my decision and smile when you see how happy I am. I may not be perfect, but really...who is?
John 8:7 says: He said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Life is meant to be lived and we all take different paths and though the path may be different from your own or your idea of what others paths may be, it isn't yours to take.
Unless I ask for your advice or if you are my closest friends and family who give me their advice no matter what, just know that I am in a better place, a happy place. Am I going straight to hell, who knows. I hope not. I'm still the same me. I teach sunday school and love it, I still listen to KSGN, I haven't dropped out of church entirely and yes, I still believe. Just like the Jennifer Lopez song titled UNTIL IT BEATS NO MORE says..."I'm alive, I can breathe, I can feel, I believe and there ain't no doubt about it it's love and I have found it feel the beat again, stronger than before, I'm gonna give you my heart until it beats no more." That's how I feel.
I have realized that life is given to us as a gift from God each day and we should live it and be happy and no matter what happens we should be at peace with ourselves and our decisions because the only person we really have to answer to in the end is the big guy upstairs.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
All Kinds of Happy
It seems as though the last few weeks I have been awakened from this deep sleep I have been in for the last 19 years. It's like I was hypnotized and all of a sudden someone snapped their fingers and I woke up. It's funny when you are so used to living a certain way that you become immune to all the things that aren't right in your life. You put a smile on your face for the outside world to see when it seems as though inside you are dying. You try and make things work until one day you realize that you are not happy and need to do something in your life to make a change.
I have made some changes these last few weeks that have been epic events in my life. While they are life changing for us, I know that they are for the best and in making these changes I have found that life is a gift that we are given by God to enjoy and live as he would want us to, happy.
I feel as I have been given another chance to live life and enjoy things again. I have laughed more these last two weeks more than I have laughed in the last few years. It is amazing how wonderful life can be when you allow yourself to smile and really feel it deep within.
I find myself waking up with a smile on my face and going to bed wearing the same smile. I find myself stargazing more and appreciating things we take for granted everyday. I guess I would describe it as the movie Pleasantville where everything was in black and white and then as two people are driving in a car and Etta James' AT LAST is playing in the background colors start to appear. I feel like all I have been noticing is all the vibrant colors in front of me.
People are scared of change. I know I was for so long, and I still am. I don't know what my future will bring but I am placing my trust in God and know that he will provide all I need to get through whatever comes my way. And in the process I am happy once again.
I have made some changes these last few weeks that have been epic events in my life. While they are life changing for us, I know that they are for the best and in making these changes I have found that life is a gift that we are given by God to enjoy and live as he would want us to, happy.
I feel as I have been given another chance to live life and enjoy things again. I have laughed more these last two weeks more than I have laughed in the last few years. It is amazing how wonderful life can be when you allow yourself to smile and really feel it deep within.
I find myself waking up with a smile on my face and going to bed wearing the same smile. I find myself stargazing more and appreciating things we take for granted everyday. I guess I would describe it as the movie Pleasantville where everything was in black and white and then as two people are driving in a car and Etta James' AT LAST is playing in the background colors start to appear. I feel like all I have been noticing is all the vibrant colors in front of me.
People are scared of change. I know I was for so long, and I still am. I don't know what my future will bring but I am placing my trust in God and know that he will provide all I need to get through whatever comes my way. And in the process I am happy once again.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Smile Starters
Sometimes we get so caught up in our crazy that we forget to think about those things in our life that make us smile. So to help me remember to smile I have put a list together of things that have made me smile since we have rang in the new year. I plan to do this at least once per month so that when I may not have a smile on my face, I can look back and remember these things and smile again. They are in no particular order and may not even make sense to any of you my wonderful blog followers, but just know they make me smile.
Here we go...
-Long evening walks with my daughter
-New Girl
-Progressive Insurance Flo
-Gina Gershon
-Swinging on a swing and leaning back so you see the sky
-Deep Dish Pizza
-Sunday School Students
-Blessings from above
-Bonding with my son
-My Friends
-Cologne
-Parents
-Dancing stupidly
-DJ Rowdy A
-Winks
-Peppermint Mocha
-Macaroni Bites
-Laundromat cart derby
-Realization that hits you like a brick
-Bibi and the Brown Bananas
-Compliments
-Checkmarks
-The color purple
-Singing while riding your bike
-Drawing with crayons
-Facebook updates
-Someone's smile
-Honesty
-Stevie Wonder
-Lady Antebellum
-M&M's (with popcorn)
-Falling leaves
-Warm seats
-Old men falling off scooters
-Cotton Candy
-Mirrors
-Euphoria
-Paying bills late
-Chocolate shakes
-The realization that you are happy and understanding you deserve it...
Just typing that list took me back to all the reasons they made me smile and if I was having a bad day before now, how easily it went away. Do you need to smile? Make your list today and feel how wonderful it feels.
Here we go...
-Long evening walks with my daughter
-New Girl
-Progressive Insurance Flo
-Gina Gershon
-Swinging on a swing and leaning back so you see the sky
-Deep Dish Pizza
-Sunday School Students
-Blessings from above
-Bonding with my son
-My Friends
-Cologne
-Parents
-Dancing stupidly
-DJ Rowdy A
-Winks
-Peppermint Mocha
-Macaroni Bites
-Laundromat cart derby
-Realization that hits you like a brick
-Bibi and the Brown Bananas
-Compliments
-Checkmarks
-The color purple
-Singing while riding your bike
-Drawing with crayons
-Facebook updates
-Someone's smile
-Honesty
-Stevie Wonder
-Lady Antebellum
-M&M's (with popcorn)
-Falling leaves
-Warm seats
-Old men falling off scooters
-Cotton Candy
-Mirrors
-Euphoria
-Paying bills late
-Chocolate shakes
-The realization that you are happy and understanding you deserve it...
Just typing that list took me back to all the reasons they made me smile and if I was having a bad day before now, how easily it went away. Do you need to smile? Make your list today and feel how wonderful it feels.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Stupid Mountain!
In every book ever written there is an end. Such is true with life and life experiences. Currently in my life I am at the end of a life experience that I thought I wrote the ending to, however there is someone reading the book who does not understand that. They are looking for additions to the book or sequels if you will and I have made it quite clear that there will be no sequels to this particular book and the end is the end.
My BFF Frankie told me that things will only get worse before they get better, which is so true and just what I am experiencing now. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control and we have to just decide for ourselves what is important to us. I have made decisions recently that everyone in my life will not agree with, but in the end I have to tell myself that this is my life to live and I have to do what makes me happy, even if it means the end of something that once was.
I cannot question the universe or how the stars line up, and sometimes I don't want to. At a time in my life right now that has me consumed with worry and stress I have also had instances of sheer happiness that I can't explain. Yes, all things happen for a reason and while I can't question those reasons, I know that if I sit and dwell on the negative forces of life I will never be able to enjoy my future, and who needs that?
Worse before they get better? Yes it's true. It's like I am jogging downhill to what seems like the better and then all of a sudden I come across this mountain in the road to get over that is trying to stop me from my continuing journey. While I guess I can cry about it I have to ask myself what good will that do? They say in life that there are those people who make things happen, those who watch things happen and then those who say..what just happened? I don't want to be one of those people who watch life go by unsure of what is happening. I want to be the one who is making things happen.
So while yes, I am at the end of this book and there is no chance for a sequel, I know that there are endless possibilities and I can't let myself get discouraged. There may be a mountain in front of me right now but ideas are already spinning in my head of how I will get to the top of the mountain to see the glorious view.
My BFF Frankie told me that things will only get worse before they get better, which is so true and just what I am experiencing now. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control and we have to just decide for ourselves what is important to us. I have made decisions recently that everyone in my life will not agree with, but in the end I have to tell myself that this is my life to live and I have to do what makes me happy, even if it means the end of something that once was.
I cannot question the universe or how the stars line up, and sometimes I don't want to. At a time in my life right now that has me consumed with worry and stress I have also had instances of sheer happiness that I can't explain. Yes, all things happen for a reason and while I can't question those reasons, I know that if I sit and dwell on the negative forces of life I will never be able to enjoy my future, and who needs that?
Worse before they get better? Yes it's true. It's like I am jogging downhill to what seems like the better and then all of a sudden I come across this mountain in the road to get over that is trying to stop me from my continuing journey. While I guess I can cry about it I have to ask myself what good will that do? They say in life that there are those people who make things happen, those who watch things happen and then those who say..what just happened? I don't want to be one of those people who watch life go by unsure of what is happening. I want to be the one who is making things happen.
So while yes, I am at the end of this book and there is no chance for a sequel, I know that there are endless possibilities and I can't let myself get discouraged. There may be a mountain in front of me right now but ideas are already spinning in my head of how I will get to the top of the mountain to see the glorious view.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Vegetables Please...
Proverbs 15:17 says, "A bowl of vegetables with someone you love is better than a steak with someone you hate". I could not agree more...
I was looking up bible verses about love when I came upon this one. It made me smile and made me think about a lot of things. As many of you know about me I am going through a time in my life where things are not so rosy and I am not exactly eating vegetables. When you're young you never think about the what if's that could happen in life you only think about the fairytale and what should be.
Here I am almost 40 years old and now all I think about are the what-ifs and what do I do now's. When you are young, everything is a fairytale and you never dream that your life may just turn out some way you hadn't planned for and that could be either good or bad. I never thought I would be here at this point in my life wondering what is going to happen next, driving down the street looking for my next place to live out my next chapter and begin a new life. I never thought I could do it, but I am.
For so long I was the one in Proverbs 15:17, you know the non vegetarian having the steak and never realizing it. You get used to life as you know it and any bad thing that happens in that life you become immune to. People tell you how unhappy you look and how you have changed and you think that they must be crazy and don't know what they are talking about, until that one day when you reach a point in your life where you realize you don't want the steak anymore and all you long for are the vegetables and those people were right about you.
I am at the point in my life where I realize that I am awesome. I may not be perfect but I am a fun, loving, creative and outgoing person. I feel like I have so much to give to the world and I have been awakened from this deep sleep and want to do just that-give to the world. I have reached the point of my life where I will not settle for less than anything that makes me happy and leaves a smile on my face. I want to have the vegetables, because I deserve nothing less.
I was looking up bible verses about love when I came upon this one. It made me smile and made me think about a lot of things. As many of you know about me I am going through a time in my life where things are not so rosy and I am not exactly eating vegetables. When you're young you never think about the what if's that could happen in life you only think about the fairytale and what should be.
Here I am almost 40 years old and now all I think about are the what-ifs and what do I do now's. When you are young, everything is a fairytale and you never dream that your life may just turn out some way you hadn't planned for and that could be either good or bad. I never thought I would be here at this point in my life wondering what is going to happen next, driving down the street looking for my next place to live out my next chapter and begin a new life. I never thought I could do it, but I am.
For so long I was the one in Proverbs 15:17, you know the non vegetarian having the steak and never realizing it. You get used to life as you know it and any bad thing that happens in that life you become immune to. People tell you how unhappy you look and how you have changed and you think that they must be crazy and don't know what they are talking about, until that one day when you reach a point in your life where you realize you don't want the steak anymore and all you long for are the vegetables and those people were right about you.
I am at the point in my life where I realize that I am awesome. I may not be perfect but I am a fun, loving, creative and outgoing person. I feel like I have so much to give to the world and I have been awakened from this deep sleep and want to do just that-give to the world. I have reached the point of my life where I will not settle for less than anything that makes me happy and leaves a smile on my face. I want to have the vegetables, because I deserve nothing less.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I'm Happy and I know It!
Let me just make a proclamation to you in case you don't know...I love bread...and dessert. If one of my new year's resolutions is to lose weight it never works because I love bread and dessert. When I go out to a restaurant I usually look at two things which is the dessert menu and the appetizer menu which usually consists of fatty breaded items bathed in grease before they serve it to you...oh and another thing I love is cheese..ooey gooey cheese.
Domino's has this commercial out right now that talks about how you can practically jumprope with all the cheese they stick in their breadsticks...dumb commercial, because now it's all I can think about. Don't get me wrong, I love fruit as well, like apples. But to me there is just something so much tastier than a normal plain apple if it is chopped up and put into a pie like at McDonalds. Oh I do love those apple pies but do you remember back in the day when the apple pies there were fried and they were so delightful? Why oh why did they feel like they had to bake them how they are now. Oh and while we are on the subject of mcDonald's if you have not tried their caramel apple sundae, you really need to, it is like heaven!
With all the bread and desserts in the world how is a girl supposed to be cuter than those stick thin figure girls in Cosmo? It's something I ask myself all the time. Just today my BFF Frankie went to Panera for lunch and brought me back their creamy broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl...oh my gosh...sheer heaven! And if the little top pf the bread and an extra piece of sourdough wasn't enough for me then at least I could tear up the bread bowl when I'm done and eat that too...but I'm not done! Along with it I asked her to bring me back one of their chocolate croissants, they are absolutely delectable! They are these little light flaky wonders with nice ooey gooey chocolate just enveloped inside waiting to pour out into your mouth teasing every tastebud! Someone give me an insulin shot now...please!
And that's just it. My family has a history of diabetes in the family. I know that pretty soon I will be diabetic too, but I can't help it, why oh why do they make sweets and bread and everything else I love if I can't enjoy? I remember my Grandma was diabetic and my cousins and I would go to her house for her to babysit us and she would have to inject herself with insulin. Sometimes she would let us kids do it for her and we always thought we were hurting her, but no. She would just grab some loose skin and say ok, shoot me and we did as we closed our eyes. I remember her living with us and she would hide bags of candy under her bed. She was happy, and I know it's because she had her candy...a woman after my own heart!
Come to think of it I have a bucket that Frankie bought me for Christmas with a bag of pocorn and a box of M and M's. The best of the best...sweet and salty together!
Yes, I want to be a cute girl like those girls in cosmo but I also want to be happy. I know if I am having a bad day, a salad won't make me feel as good as a vanilla bean frappuccino from Starbucks with caramel and mocha on the sides will!
Maybe I am not less than 100 pounds, but I am happy, know what to order that will make me even happier and you know what...I am cute and you all know it! Ha ha...it's my new positive 2012 attitude! May you continue to enjoy all the things that make you happy, even if you know it's bad for you:)
Domino's has this commercial out right now that talks about how you can practically jumprope with all the cheese they stick in their breadsticks...dumb commercial, because now it's all I can think about. Don't get me wrong, I love fruit as well, like apples. But to me there is just something so much tastier than a normal plain apple if it is chopped up and put into a pie like at McDonalds. Oh I do love those apple pies but do you remember back in the day when the apple pies there were fried and they were so delightful? Why oh why did they feel like they had to bake them how they are now. Oh and while we are on the subject of mcDonald's if you have not tried their caramel apple sundae, you really need to, it is like heaven!
With all the bread and desserts in the world how is a girl supposed to be cuter than those stick thin figure girls in Cosmo? It's something I ask myself all the time. Just today my BFF Frankie went to Panera for lunch and brought me back their creamy broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl...oh my gosh...sheer heaven! And if the little top pf the bread and an extra piece of sourdough wasn't enough for me then at least I could tear up the bread bowl when I'm done and eat that too...but I'm not done! Along with it I asked her to bring me back one of their chocolate croissants, they are absolutely delectable! They are these little light flaky wonders with nice ooey gooey chocolate just enveloped inside waiting to pour out into your mouth teasing every tastebud! Someone give me an insulin shot now...please!
And that's just it. My family has a history of diabetes in the family. I know that pretty soon I will be diabetic too, but I can't help it, why oh why do they make sweets and bread and everything else I love if I can't enjoy? I remember my Grandma was diabetic and my cousins and I would go to her house for her to babysit us and she would have to inject herself with insulin. Sometimes she would let us kids do it for her and we always thought we were hurting her, but no. She would just grab some loose skin and say ok, shoot me and we did as we closed our eyes. I remember her living with us and she would hide bags of candy under her bed. She was happy, and I know it's because she had her candy...a woman after my own heart!
Come to think of it I have a bucket that Frankie bought me for Christmas with a bag of pocorn and a box of M and M's. The best of the best...sweet and salty together!
Yes, I want to be a cute girl like those girls in cosmo but I also want to be happy. I know if I am having a bad day, a salad won't make me feel as good as a vanilla bean frappuccino from Starbucks with caramel and mocha on the sides will!
Maybe I am not less than 100 pounds, but I am happy, know what to order that will make me even happier and you know what...I am cute and you all know it! Ha ha...it's my new positive 2012 attitude! May you continue to enjoy all the things that make you happy, even if you know it's bad for you:)
Monday, January 9, 2012
MINE...Not Yours...Anymore
Today begins a new week of 2012. If you didn't get the first week right or just weren't happy with it, today was your chance to start all over again, but why wait for a new week? I think I am going to make every day even better than the last!
I have come in to 2012 with a positive attitude, have made some new friends and am getting rid of all the negativity that used to cloud my life. I do still have some things to do to commit to that fully, but I know I am well on my way! Today was back to school for my kids who have been off for three whole weeks, I mean how lucky is that? I wish Icould just have three weeks off and sit around in my PJ's all day. Heck, even when I am on vacation I still have to get dressed and actually have things to do-always busy! My daughter proclaimed that she was not going to school and how she was sad to be back! Give me a break I told her, it's a new year, make it count!
I was walking down a hallway at work today and I noticed that I have smiled more since we rang in the new year than I have in a few months and that made me smile more. Maybe it's the funny thought that the world may end according to the Mayans at the end of this year that has given me this carefree and happy go lucky attitude. I mean if this is in fact my last year on earth I guessI better die happy! C'mon all you crazy believers...you are not going to die at the end of the year so stop thinking you don't have to buy Christmas presents because you do.
I am reading a new book that has me wanting to finish it to see what happens and it is making me want to join a knitting circle, and yes I have even looked into that! My possibilities in my life this year are endless and each day when Iwake up it's like I am writing the words on the blank pages ahead of my life. That song from the popular show The Hills says...the rest is still unwritten. I am excited to see what happens with each new day or what idea will pop into my head to do next or what new person Iwill meet in my life.
I wish that I would have thought about life this exciting in all the 39 years I have been alive, but I guess it's never too late to start living and besides we only live once! I plan on living all the rest of my days however many God grants me with no regrets and a smile upon my face, and I am excited. I am feeling a sense of happiness that I have not experienced in a long time and I guess it's because I have decided that this is MY life, not anyone else's...anymore. I wish all of you a wonderful new day, each day!
I have come in to 2012 with a positive attitude, have made some new friends and am getting rid of all the negativity that used to cloud my life. I do still have some things to do to commit to that fully, but I know I am well on my way! Today was back to school for my kids who have been off for three whole weeks, I mean how lucky is that? I wish Icould just have three weeks off and sit around in my PJ's all day. Heck, even when I am on vacation I still have to get dressed and actually have things to do-always busy! My daughter proclaimed that she was not going to school and how she was sad to be back! Give me a break I told her, it's a new year, make it count!
I was walking down a hallway at work today and I noticed that I have smiled more since we rang in the new year than I have in a few months and that made me smile more. Maybe it's the funny thought that the world may end according to the Mayans at the end of this year that has given me this carefree and happy go lucky attitude. I mean if this is in fact my last year on earth I guessI better die happy! C'mon all you crazy believers...you are not going to die at the end of the year so stop thinking you don't have to buy Christmas presents because you do.
I am reading a new book that has me wanting to finish it to see what happens and it is making me want to join a knitting circle, and yes I have even looked into that! My possibilities in my life this year are endless and each day when Iwake up it's like I am writing the words on the blank pages ahead of my life. That song from the popular show The Hills says...the rest is still unwritten. I am excited to see what happens with each new day or what idea will pop into my head to do next or what new person Iwill meet in my life.
I wish that I would have thought about life this exciting in all the 39 years I have been alive, but I guess it's never too late to start living and besides we only live once! I plan on living all the rest of my days however many God grants me with no regrets and a smile upon my face, and I am excited. I am feeling a sense of happiness that I have not experienced in a long time and I guess it's because I have decided that this is MY life, not anyone else's...anymore. I wish all of you a wonderful new day, each day!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Living Life
So here it is 2012! Happy New Year! Unlike many of the interesting and fun things I have heard many people did to ring in the new year I have to confess that mine was pretty uneventful and me and my daughter played loud music and danced around and of course watched the ball drop on TV.
As I look ahead this year I plan to make some serious life altering changes that I am hoping will turn out ok and I am sure that with those will come some problems as well.
This year I want to live life to the fullest and I might as well as my daughter believes the darn Mayan calendar thing, which if it's true don't spend too much on Xmas as the world may end on 12/21...Give me a break. Here's a thought, our calendar ends every year and what happens??? We start a new calendar...duh!
In any case I want to really live life this year. I want to try new things and have fun...drama free, though I know there will be drama no matter how hard I wish for there not to be.
My mother has been here since the beginning of December and now she was also here to ring in the new year with us, so I am thankful for that. I am hoping to make a trip to see her within the next few years. I have had requests or I shall say demands from my daughter about what she wants to do for her birthday and who is going along and I have to remind her I have six months before I have to worry about it!
I want to take more time to enjoy time spent alone. Yes, as much as I love my brats I want to be able to leave and enjoy doing whatever I want without having to answer the phone...though Iam sure I will have to send a text or two sometime in there. I want to do so many things, my list could go on and on.
I want to be able to look back on my blog from when I first started it in a state of unhappiness to a place where I am not complaining or sounding like a mental patient but rather a fun, outgoing and lively person who is at peace with herself.
So here on this third day of 2012 I am vowing to begin these changes and be all that Ican be (No, I am not joining the army!). I will keep you updated on all my successes as well as little downfalls I may have here or there.
Here is to 2012! May you all find all that you wish in 2012! Have fun!
As I look ahead this year I plan to make some serious life altering changes that I am hoping will turn out ok and I am sure that with those will come some problems as well.
This year I want to live life to the fullest and I might as well as my daughter believes the darn Mayan calendar thing, which if it's true don't spend too much on Xmas as the world may end on 12/21...Give me a break. Here's a thought, our calendar ends every year and what happens??? We start a new calendar...duh!
In any case I want to really live life this year. I want to try new things and have fun...drama free, though I know there will be drama no matter how hard I wish for there not to be.
My mother has been here since the beginning of December and now she was also here to ring in the new year with us, so I am thankful for that. I am hoping to make a trip to see her within the next few years. I have had requests or I shall say demands from my daughter about what she wants to do for her birthday and who is going along and I have to remind her I have six months before I have to worry about it!
I want to take more time to enjoy time spent alone. Yes, as much as I love my brats I want to be able to leave and enjoy doing whatever I want without having to answer the phone...though Iam sure I will have to send a text or two sometime in there. I want to do so many things, my list could go on and on.
I want to be able to look back on my blog from when I first started it in a state of unhappiness to a place where I am not complaining or sounding like a mental patient but rather a fun, outgoing and lively person who is at peace with herself.
So here on this third day of 2012 I am vowing to begin these changes and be all that Ican be (No, I am not joining the army!). I will keep you updated on all my successes as well as little downfalls I may have here or there.
Here is to 2012! May you all find all that you wish in 2012! Have fun!
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