We have all heard the saying that life is like a rollercoaster. When you think about it it's really so true. We have our ups and our downs and sometimes we travel on a straight path knowing a curve is just ahead.
Each one of us are on our own personal rollercoaster because not one of our lives are exactly the same. Tonight I was sitting in the mall and I was just watching the people that walked by. It's funny to think that we don't know these people and will probably never see them again. They are all living their lives somewhere in this world on their own rollercoaster.
As I sat and watched, I saw couples looking so happy, just starting out and older couples content just to be with each other. I saw teenagers holding bags of clothes and beauty products and I remembered when I was their age. Back then I thought I had my whole life ahead of me and I was eager to begin fulfilling my dreams. I wonder what their dreams are. I wonder if life turned out how people wished it would, did they find love, are they alone, do they have kids? Are they happy?
As I walk past people sitting on the benches people watching I wonder if they are thinking all these things about me. I wonder what they would think if they knew my story. I wonder what they would tell me if they knew I was waiting for just the right time to give someone paperwork that will end our marriage. I wonder what they would think of me if they knew I had my own private suite at casita cocina because I am happier there than with someone I have spent more than half of my life with. I wonder what they would think of my kids, how I make a living or how I gave up my dreams because I stopped believing I could achieve them.
Yes life is a strange roller coaster. If I had to tell you where my roller coaster were at right now I would have to say that I am at a peak waiting to fall. It seems as if my rollercoaster is moving full speed ahead right now. The things I am about to do in my life will change our family dynamic and this is why it feels I am about to go down a steep hill on my rollercaster. I imagine once the paperwork is given and we are in a place where we can be ourselves and learn who we are again it will be the best part of my rollercoaster, though I can't speak for anyone else and their coasters. My climb to take me to the top of the rollercoaster may be the peak of my life but the the lowest point of anothers.
Forrest Gump said life is like a box of chocolates because you never know what you're going to get. This is also true. We have all these hopes and plans for our futures and what we will do and who we will choose to go through life with never really knowing if our choice will be right or wrong. Some people stay together forever and some just can't go on. No matter how much you hold on there is never a right time to let go and there will always be at least one person who isn't happy about our decisions. There are times I think that I didn't sign up for this and yet here I am and then the two words I am sure many of us have used...Why Me?
I guess the answer to that would be that the tribulations we go through only make us stronger and shapes us to become better people in life. There is a song on KSGN that says "What if trials in our life are our blessings in disguise." Yes, what if? I'm working my way through the trials and praying they are my blessings in disguise.
Now let me close my eyes. I hear the ticking of my rollercoaster about to take me somewhere I have never been...
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I Will...
I am on official vacation until next Tuesday. I have a list of things that I I want to accomplish in these six days off and yet I know that maybe half of those will actually get done. 2012 is quickly approaching and with that my list seems even more urgent. There are things that I need to do but I am as my kids would say...lagging. Why I am I lagging? That's a good question that weighs on my mind each day. There is one thing in my life that needs to get done in order for me to purge other things out of my life and move forward but it's hard.
I ask myself why I can't I just get this done and the answer I always come up with is time. Time holds me back. It isn't a matter of I never have enough time it's a matter of past time. Memories and good days suspended in time. I can't get past time even though I need to. It used to be that my holdup was posessions until my great BFF Frankie told me that those are just things and they don't make any difference if they are not making you happy. So, I made the decision to purge things that don't make me happy, if only purging people were as easy.
I walk around the house and more and more I feel like I don't belong here. I used to marvel at my house and look forward to picking out paint colors for all the rooms. It seems though that a house is just a house if the people in it don't think of it as a home. As people stopped caring about it so did I and now I just don't. Don't get me wrong I mean I am grateful for the experience of owning a home and having a place to live but now I just want to walk away, and I will.
I envision myself in a place that is mine. Well, let me rephrase that. I want a place that belongs to someone else that is not mine. I want to be able to call someone if water falls into my livingroom when it rains and not have to pay for it. I want to never own another home again unless of course I become an uber rich novelist who can afford the moneypit of owning a home. I want to be able to decorate how I want without hearing it looks gaudy or cluttered. I want to have a place I can come home to and be at peace. I am leaving unhappiness in 2011 even though I know it won't be easy.
At 21 I lost myself and became someone I had to to get to where I am now. It's been 18 years and I know in my heart I cannot get to 19. Jennifer Lopez has a wonderful new CD and on it is a song that I replay over and over again. In it she says "I can feel it getting colder, I'm afraid of starting over." This is me. While I glamorize the whole my place thing in my head I also get freaked out that my credit is about to hit rock bottom because of me leaving this money pit soon, and then of course there comes the feelings that are wrapped around my heart.
I keep telling myself that I am strong and that nothing in life is ever easy. While things in my life may be hard to handle I know I can and will get through it somehow, some way. In 1993 I became who I am but in 2012 I want to be who I was then. The person who was fun and bubbly and had a passion for writing and dreams that my writing would become known to all and that when people see me they see how happy I am. Now all I need to do is to get there, and I think I will.
I ask myself why I can't I just get this done and the answer I always come up with is time. Time holds me back. It isn't a matter of I never have enough time it's a matter of past time. Memories and good days suspended in time. I can't get past time even though I need to. It used to be that my holdup was posessions until my great BFF Frankie told me that those are just things and they don't make any difference if they are not making you happy. So, I made the decision to purge things that don't make me happy, if only purging people were as easy.
I walk around the house and more and more I feel like I don't belong here. I used to marvel at my house and look forward to picking out paint colors for all the rooms. It seems though that a house is just a house if the people in it don't think of it as a home. As people stopped caring about it so did I and now I just don't. Don't get me wrong I mean I am grateful for the experience of owning a home and having a place to live but now I just want to walk away, and I will.
I envision myself in a place that is mine. Well, let me rephrase that. I want a place that belongs to someone else that is not mine. I want to be able to call someone if water falls into my livingroom when it rains and not have to pay for it. I want to never own another home again unless of course I become an uber rich novelist who can afford the moneypit of owning a home. I want to be able to decorate how I want without hearing it looks gaudy or cluttered. I want to have a place I can come home to and be at peace. I am leaving unhappiness in 2011 even though I know it won't be easy.
At 21 I lost myself and became someone I had to to get to where I am now. It's been 18 years and I know in my heart I cannot get to 19. Jennifer Lopez has a wonderful new CD and on it is a song that I replay over and over again. In it she says "I can feel it getting colder, I'm afraid of starting over." This is me. While I glamorize the whole my place thing in my head I also get freaked out that my credit is about to hit rock bottom because of me leaving this money pit soon, and then of course there comes the feelings that are wrapped around my heart.
I keep telling myself that I am strong and that nothing in life is ever easy. While things in my life may be hard to handle I know I can and will get through it somehow, some way. In 1993 I became who I am but in 2012 I want to be who I was then. The person who was fun and bubbly and had a passion for writing and dreams that my writing would become known to all and that when people see me they see how happy I am. Now all I need to do is to get there, and I think I will.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry End of 2011!
It is Christmas Eve and I am ok to say that I am pretty sure that I am done shopping. If I have forgotten anybody they will have to accept my apologies because I am just done fighting crowds. This year I am the grinch and people and shopping are just not my friends this year. I am tired of standing in lines, hearing kids screaming and for the first time ever I think even Christmas music. I just want KSGN and 103.5 back without hearing jingle bells or hearing how Santa is making a list and checkin it twice...go ahead Santa, I don't care!
Usually I enjoy shopping and wrapping and baking but this year it seems like it has been forced. I thought it was just me with all the crazy that has gone on in my life this year but I have heard so many others say that it just came too fast and no on eis really in the mood...ecept those retailers! While I was in line at Walmart I started to see signs of Valentine's day and Christmas and New Year's decor was all a thing of the past and already on clearance. What the heck? I mean I guess I can understand about Christmas but let's get through New Year's before we talk about Valentine's day...seriously!
I have things left to bake, presents left to wrap and classic movies to watch on TV. I am staying at home and not going to that side of the familes house, though I am sure I won't be missed as usually the only question they are concerned about asking me is...ARE YOU WORKING? Really, when have I not? Perhaps I will go to my side of the family later on and celebrate all that is to come in the new year...whatever it may be.
Tomorrow the kids will open their presents and we will all go our separate ways once again. If Santa comes down my chimney tonight he will wake me up now because since last year the front room has been converted to my own little suite...yes, things are very different this year.
But I know that for a lot of people this is a happy time and so as to not depress you all too much I would just like to say Merry Christmas. I hope that you all have a wonderful time with all of your families and friends and will make memories that will last a lifetime. Thank you all for another year of being in my life either in person or on my beloved facebook. May 2012 bring all that you are hoping for as I am hoping it will do the same for me.
Usually I enjoy shopping and wrapping and baking but this year it seems like it has been forced. I thought it was just me with all the crazy that has gone on in my life this year but I have heard so many others say that it just came too fast and no on eis really in the mood...ecept those retailers! While I was in line at Walmart I started to see signs of Valentine's day and Christmas and New Year's decor was all a thing of the past and already on clearance. What the heck? I mean I guess I can understand about Christmas but let's get through New Year's before we talk about Valentine's day...seriously!
I have things left to bake, presents left to wrap and classic movies to watch on TV. I am staying at home and not going to that side of the familes house, though I am sure I won't be missed as usually the only question they are concerned about asking me is...ARE YOU WORKING? Really, when have I not? Perhaps I will go to my side of the family later on and celebrate all that is to come in the new year...whatever it may be.
Tomorrow the kids will open their presents and we will all go our separate ways once again. If Santa comes down my chimney tonight he will wake me up now because since last year the front room has been converted to my own little suite...yes, things are very different this year.
But I know that for a lot of people this is a happy time and so as to not depress you all too much I would just like to say Merry Christmas. I hope that you all have a wonderful time with all of your families and friends and will make memories that will last a lifetime. Thank you all for another year of being in my life either in person or on my beloved facebook. May 2012 bring all that you are hoping for as I am hoping it will do the same for me.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Just End Already!!!!
The other day I was at WalMart and they are already clearancing a lot of the Christmas items. Ok, I know I am slow and will barely begin to Christmas shop this week, but hellooooo Christmas is not even over and already I have a limited selection of Christmas cards I can choose from because now they are on some special here's what we have left shelf! Something is just not right.
I am not in the mood to bake because of a kitchen situation (hmm that has multiple meanings with my last name) and no one even talked of a real live Christmas tree so I just took out the 5 feet fake one and put it on a table to make it look like something grand.
No matter how much I try, I just cannot get into the spirit of Christmas this year and there are so many excuses and reasons I can think of but if you are a follower of my blog you know them all by heart. The truth is I just want this year to be over, I have so many plans for 2012, it's like the promise of a new tomorrow. I have been prolonging something for almost two months now and in my heart each day I know I need to just get it over with, why drag it on any longer, there will never be a good time to say goodbye.
2012 is going to bring me back to something I forgot about a long time ago. I am going to find myself again. I am going to indulge in all the things I used to love to do before life got too complicated. I am going to be at peace with myself though I am sure there will be a select few who will wish anything but peace upon me then. If you think I'm cute now, wait till you see me after I get back to what I used to be.
But with 2012 will also come things like Ant's graduation and me turning 40, Adri turning sweet 16-though sometimes she's more like a sour 16 and let's not forget that the Mayan calendar will end...OMG! For all of you believers of that you better get right with God now! Look people... look at our calendar right now...it's about to end too and you know what happens after that? A new one begins-stop freaking out-seriously!
I have so many hopes for 2012 yet so much of 2011 and prior will follow me for sure and I know it won't be easy. But through it all I know that with God all things are possible and I can do this, though one might say I am a sissy la la, I am in a way.
I wish the reminders of Christmas would go away like the crazy Christmas music, the happy inflatable snowman in the neighbor's yard and stupid commercials telling me how many days I have left to shop. I mean who are they to tell me how long I have to shop? Don't we buy things all the time for the kids and around the house? Why do we have to get them all these things for one day that goes as quickly as it came. In sunday school this past week I broke down the word Christmas like this...CHRIST MAS. If you speak spanish you will know that Mas means more so if you look at it that way we should be thinking about CHRIST more...think about it.
There are 12 days till Christmas. Stop running around in a frenzy trying to find the perfect gift, there really is no such thing. Kids will never be truly satisfied no matter how much we try. Oh and they should do a follow up to those commercials where a husband buys his wife a Lexus for Christmas where now she has this added bill to pay for the next 3-5 years!
It has gotten to be too commercialized and I am just not in the mood,,,Bah Humbug for me! I guess I am just looking forward to New Year's Eve and the year that I will find ME again.
I am not in the mood to bake because of a kitchen situation (hmm that has multiple meanings with my last name) and no one even talked of a real live Christmas tree so I just took out the 5 feet fake one and put it on a table to make it look like something grand.
No matter how much I try, I just cannot get into the spirit of Christmas this year and there are so many excuses and reasons I can think of but if you are a follower of my blog you know them all by heart. The truth is I just want this year to be over, I have so many plans for 2012, it's like the promise of a new tomorrow. I have been prolonging something for almost two months now and in my heart each day I know I need to just get it over with, why drag it on any longer, there will never be a good time to say goodbye.
2012 is going to bring me back to something I forgot about a long time ago. I am going to find myself again. I am going to indulge in all the things I used to love to do before life got too complicated. I am going to be at peace with myself though I am sure there will be a select few who will wish anything but peace upon me then. If you think I'm cute now, wait till you see me after I get back to what I used to be.
But with 2012 will also come things like Ant's graduation and me turning 40, Adri turning sweet 16-though sometimes she's more like a sour 16 and let's not forget that the Mayan calendar will end...OMG! For all of you believers of that you better get right with God now! Look people... look at our calendar right now...it's about to end too and you know what happens after that? A new one begins-stop freaking out-seriously!
I have so many hopes for 2012 yet so much of 2011 and prior will follow me for sure and I know it won't be easy. But through it all I know that with God all things are possible and I can do this, though one might say I am a sissy la la, I am in a way.
I wish the reminders of Christmas would go away like the crazy Christmas music, the happy inflatable snowman in the neighbor's yard and stupid commercials telling me how many days I have left to shop. I mean who are they to tell me how long I have to shop? Don't we buy things all the time for the kids and around the house? Why do we have to get them all these things for one day that goes as quickly as it came. In sunday school this past week I broke down the word Christmas like this...CHRIST MAS. If you speak spanish you will know that Mas means more so if you look at it that way we should be thinking about CHRIST more...think about it.
There are 12 days till Christmas. Stop running around in a frenzy trying to find the perfect gift, there really is no such thing. Kids will never be truly satisfied no matter how much we try. Oh and they should do a follow up to those commercials where a husband buys his wife a Lexus for Christmas where now she has this added bill to pay for the next 3-5 years!
It has gotten to be too commercialized and I am just not in the mood,,,Bah Humbug for me! I guess I am just looking forward to New Year's Eve and the year that I will find ME again.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas...But Why?
In about two weeks Christmas will be here. Usually around this time I am finishing up wrapping the last of the presents and finishing some scarves I have crocheted while listening to Christmas music. This year it's just different. My life is uncertain right now which means so is everything else and Christmas while coming fast is not really a priority on my list but more of an obligation.
I would be a terrible mother if I didn't get anything for the kids, so I know I will be shopping all next week to catch up. It isn't that I don't want to but the holidays just don't seem the same this year. Is it just me or did Wal-Mart start putting out Christmas cheer like back in September? And let's talk about Christmas music. I love Christmas music, really I do, but not before Halloween, I mean I can only handle so much.
I will admit that the day before Thanksgiving I was putting up my mini tree in my room and putting up all my other Christmas ornaments...and then my Christmas cheer sort of went out the window. It's hard to be cheery amd rockin around the Christmas tree when things are far from ordinary here at my house. My son is still upset from his friend's tragic death and there has been no mention of holiday plans, it's like we don't care.
Half the block is lit up with holiday lights in the yards of the houses that surround us while ours is simply lit with the porch light. I haven't bought any Christmas cards to send out and I guess I'm just your typical Grinch.
This year has been a hard year and maybe my wanting it to end is putting my funky attitude to work. What used to be the cozy room that housed our chosen Christmas tree for the past three years is now my bedroom or as I like to call it my private suite who knows what it will be next year and who knows where I will be in life. I wish I knew.
I need to get out of this blues-y sort of mood and get it together. I have a lot to be grateful for. We're alive and healthy and have clothes on our backs and food in the cupboards. I have a job and a car to get there. My mom is here visiting from Texas for a month and darn it...it's Christmas time!
I will put a smile on my face, a cup opf hot cocoa in my hands and christmas carols on my lips. I will wait till the last payday before christmas to go shopping. I will buy a box of Christmas cards and send them to everyone who I know. I will take down all my baking supplies and spread holiday cheer to all who love a good cookie...I will.
This weekend I have to attend my Holiday Christmas party for work. It's something we have been planning for almost a year, and now its finally here. It's something that I would usually attend with the one who used to go, but not this year. This year Adri is going with me and I am happy about it. It is one of the first steps I am taking to get to my future life without what used to be. It isn't easy. There are times I feel sad when I'm not feeling mad. Why did it have to come to this point...life is crazy and so unexpected. I am okay though. I will start new family traditions and love the life I now am choosing.
I will stop thinking about myself and try my hardest to believe that there really is a Santa and he's about to give me what I dream of for Christmas...ME!
I would be a terrible mother if I didn't get anything for the kids, so I know I will be shopping all next week to catch up. It isn't that I don't want to but the holidays just don't seem the same this year. Is it just me or did Wal-Mart start putting out Christmas cheer like back in September? And let's talk about Christmas music. I love Christmas music, really I do, but not before Halloween, I mean I can only handle so much.
I will admit that the day before Thanksgiving I was putting up my mini tree in my room and putting up all my other Christmas ornaments...and then my Christmas cheer sort of went out the window. It's hard to be cheery amd rockin around the Christmas tree when things are far from ordinary here at my house. My son is still upset from his friend's tragic death and there has been no mention of holiday plans, it's like we don't care.
Half the block is lit up with holiday lights in the yards of the houses that surround us while ours is simply lit with the porch light. I haven't bought any Christmas cards to send out and I guess I'm just your typical Grinch.
This year has been a hard year and maybe my wanting it to end is putting my funky attitude to work. What used to be the cozy room that housed our chosen Christmas tree for the past three years is now my bedroom or as I like to call it my private suite who knows what it will be next year and who knows where I will be in life. I wish I knew.
I need to get out of this blues-y sort of mood and get it together. I have a lot to be grateful for. We're alive and healthy and have clothes on our backs and food in the cupboards. I have a job and a car to get there. My mom is here visiting from Texas for a month and darn it...it's Christmas time!
I will put a smile on my face, a cup opf hot cocoa in my hands and christmas carols on my lips. I will wait till the last payday before christmas to go shopping. I will buy a box of Christmas cards and send them to everyone who I know. I will take down all my baking supplies and spread holiday cheer to all who love a good cookie...I will.
This weekend I have to attend my Holiday Christmas party for work. It's something we have been planning for almost a year, and now its finally here. It's something that I would usually attend with the one who used to go, but not this year. This year Adri is going with me and I am happy about it. It is one of the first steps I am taking to get to my future life without what used to be. It isn't easy. There are times I feel sad when I'm not feeling mad. Why did it have to come to this point...life is crazy and so unexpected. I am okay though. I will start new family traditions and love the life I now am choosing.
I will stop thinking about myself and try my hardest to believe that there really is a Santa and he's about to give me what I dream of for Christmas...ME!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Mom...
Today I saw my Mom. It has been two years since I last saw her but here she is in California. She lives in a place far far away called Texas and not only does she live in Texas but she lives all the way across it! I spent some time with her in the morning and it was so nice to see her and have her give me a hug I used to love so much when I was little. Later I took my babies and my wonderfully happy niece to go see her. It was like she never left.
My whole future is up in the air right now. I have it all mapped out in my head, my perfect little happy and peaceful life and all that's holding me from getting there is me, I wish I was not fearful of things I can't see. When I leave I know that my babies will be spending a lot of time with me wherever I go. It will be hard to not always be in the same place with them but then I remember this is for the best.
I imagine us living whereever we may live just a happy little threesome of a family down from a foursome. It will take some adjusting but we will all find our places. I am their mother. I know they act like nothing bothers them but I know better. I wish we could press fast forward and be in that place already. A place where we are happy and there is no unrest or fighting. We have a long way to go.
I know though that one day when they are older they will still love me no matter where I live or what decisions I have made. Though it may not always be visible, the love between a mother and her children never vanishes completely. I know people who are like best friends with their parents and then I also know some who live less than a half an hour away from their parents and they have not talked in years. I miss my mom every day and I know I should tell her I miss her and love her more-perhaps that will be my new years resolution.
After seeing my mom today it was kind of a confirmation in my soul that told me that I would be alright. My kids will be alright after all is said and done and so will I .I am looking forward to this month with my mom. I don't know when I will see her again after this so I will cherish every moment I can-starting with today. Love you Mom and I hope to be the lkind of mom you have been to us!
My whole future is up in the air right now. I have it all mapped out in my head, my perfect little happy and peaceful life and all that's holding me from getting there is me, I wish I was not fearful of things I can't see. When I leave I know that my babies will be spending a lot of time with me wherever I go. It will be hard to not always be in the same place with them but then I remember this is for the best.
I imagine us living whereever we may live just a happy little threesome of a family down from a foursome. It will take some adjusting but we will all find our places. I am their mother. I know they act like nothing bothers them but I know better. I wish we could press fast forward and be in that place already. A place where we are happy and there is no unrest or fighting. We have a long way to go.
I know though that one day when they are older they will still love me no matter where I live or what decisions I have made. Though it may not always be visible, the love between a mother and her children never vanishes completely. I know people who are like best friends with their parents and then I also know some who live less than a half an hour away from their parents and they have not talked in years. I miss my mom every day and I know I should tell her I miss her and love her more-perhaps that will be my new years resolution.
After seeing my mom today it was kind of a confirmation in my soul that told me that I would be alright. My kids will be alright after all is said and done and so will I .I am looking forward to this month with my mom. I don't know when I will see her again after this so I will cherish every moment I can-starting with today. Love you Mom and I hope to be the lkind of mom you have been to us!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Blog 100-Mama's Coming!!
On this my 100th blog, I would just like to say go me! I have to just tell you that I love blogging. I love hearing people tell me how much they enjoy my blog...love love love it! Thank you for reading and enjoying...kisses to you all...muah!
As I am dreading another week starting, and might I add long week, I am super excited about something that will be happening this week as well...Mama's coming home! That's right...Polly Ester (inside joke) AKA Joy Hicks is coming for almost a month long visit. We have not seen her for at least two years and I don't know about you but I need my mama!
There is something about a mother's love that warms your soul with just their presence alone. Just tonight I felt like I was needed by Ant when he came home from an overnight stay with his friends and I went in to talk to him and I started to scratch his back. Ant has always loved to have his back scratched and tonight it made me feel loved by him and we bonded in a silent way.
My kids are teenagers and I remember being a teen and not wanting to be around my parents. I had friends to hang out with, boys to be crazy for...so I get it. I understand when they have other priorities that do not include me. I felt that way then too but now is a different story. My mom lives in Texas and I miss her dearly. She is the only parent I have left and some days I wish that I could just drive to her house like I used to and just sit there with her and talk, laugh and even cry.
She reads my blogs every day and I am sure she will read this too. (Don't cry mom). I know that she is happy in her cute little house with little ol Pappy but truth be told...I want her here with me. I miss her so much and so does the rest of the family. But in the end, I know she is happy and content and her happiness means a lot to me.
So what are our plans for Mom? Well, I am sure we will bombard her with our presence the first few days and then due to school and work it may taper off a little. But I am making a vow to be at my sister's house where she is staying as much as I can. I'm going to bribe her to make me some of her famous chicken dumpling soup and I am going to take the kids to see her, they miss her a lot.
There's something comforting about coming home when you've been away for little while. I know my mom is excited and wil feel right at home once she's back. I can't wait! I love you mama...May God bless you with traveling mercies all the way here!
My next blog is number 101! Yay!!
As I am dreading another week starting, and might I add long week, I am super excited about something that will be happening this week as well...Mama's coming home! That's right...Polly Ester (inside joke) AKA Joy Hicks is coming for almost a month long visit. We have not seen her for at least two years and I don't know about you but I need my mama!
There is something about a mother's love that warms your soul with just their presence alone. Just tonight I felt like I was needed by Ant when he came home from an overnight stay with his friends and I went in to talk to him and I started to scratch his back. Ant has always loved to have his back scratched and tonight it made me feel loved by him and we bonded in a silent way.
My kids are teenagers and I remember being a teen and not wanting to be around my parents. I had friends to hang out with, boys to be crazy for...so I get it. I understand when they have other priorities that do not include me. I felt that way then too but now is a different story. My mom lives in Texas and I miss her dearly. She is the only parent I have left and some days I wish that I could just drive to her house like I used to and just sit there with her and talk, laugh and even cry.
She reads my blogs every day and I am sure she will read this too. (Don't cry mom). I know that she is happy in her cute little house with little ol Pappy but truth be told...I want her here with me. I miss her so much and so does the rest of the family. But in the end, I know she is happy and content and her happiness means a lot to me.
So what are our plans for Mom? Well, I am sure we will bombard her with our presence the first few days and then due to school and work it may taper off a little. But I am making a vow to be at my sister's house where she is staying as much as I can. I'm going to bribe her to make me some of her famous chicken dumpling soup and I am going to take the kids to see her, they miss her a lot.
There's something comforting about coming home when you've been away for little while. I know my mom is excited and wil feel right at home once she's back. I can't wait! I love you mama...May God bless you with traveling mercies all the way here!
My next blog is number 101! Yay!!
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Saying Goodbye...
It's been a rough week here at my house. My son's best friend passed away in a tragic and sad accident last Sunday morning. Yesterday we attended his funeral. It was the nost sad and heartbreaking funeral I have ever been to. This young man was so popular and well known as he was a very talented dancer and DJ. He made an impact on so many lives both young and old. I never got the opportunity to meet him but the stories I have heard and his video blogs have inspired me so much.
For adults we may have been to at least one or two funerals if not more in our lives, but as teenagers it is not a common thing. Add to the factor of having an open casket of someone they adored and it makes it worse.Then there was a video of him along with a song he wrote and performed. It was hard. It was hard to watch his mother lose it and as a mother I felt so much pain and heartbreak for her. The way she kissed his head and talked to him as if he was still here. I watched my son cry and I cried a lot too. I still go back to thinking of how Anthony so wanted to go on that trip but I wouldn't let him because it was too far. Oh how thankful I am to God that he is still here.
It's hard when anyone we love is taken from us, especially if they are so young. For older people who die you hear people say "Oh they had a good life". Saying goodbye is never easy, never. I have lost family members and friends in my life and I would have to say I have probably been to at least 15 funerals. The truth is that we all have to die and only God knows when. I remember my dad being diagnosed with heart disease and they gave him about five years to live so every year he would count down. I used to get so mad and tell him that only God knew.
No, my dad isn't here anymore, I lost him in 2005. It's hard to imagine that he has already been gone six years. I have his picture up on my wall and so I usually wake up to him looking at me, perhaps that's why I feel like he is still here. The week he died, I did not think I was going to make it. It was so hard and I cried every day. I sat looking at his pictures and listening to the Cd we played at his memorial. Someone told me that that was not a good idea as I was only making myself sad. I didn't care though because it was my process I had to go through to heal.
I see my son get a little better each day but he is going through the motions and going through his healing process. He watches his friends video blogs, listens to his music mixes and has stuck DJ Rowdy A stickers on places I would usually get mad at, but I can't. Goodbyes are never easy and it seems cruel that the world goes on even though it seems that your heart can't.
Something we have all heard before but now nags at my heart is that you only live once and life is too short. Find something you love and just do it. If there is something in your life you have to do to find happiness or love then do it. Say I love you if you do and forgive. Live a happy, positive and fulfilling life. God gifts us each a gift, use it and be happy. Don't wait until it is too late and you're saying goodbye...
For adults we may have been to at least one or two funerals if not more in our lives, but as teenagers it is not a common thing. Add to the factor of having an open casket of someone they adored and it makes it worse.Then there was a video of him along with a song he wrote and performed. It was hard. It was hard to watch his mother lose it and as a mother I felt so much pain and heartbreak for her. The way she kissed his head and talked to him as if he was still here. I watched my son cry and I cried a lot too. I still go back to thinking of how Anthony so wanted to go on that trip but I wouldn't let him because it was too far. Oh how thankful I am to God that he is still here.
It's hard when anyone we love is taken from us, especially if they are so young. For older people who die you hear people say "Oh they had a good life". Saying goodbye is never easy, never. I have lost family members and friends in my life and I would have to say I have probably been to at least 15 funerals. The truth is that we all have to die and only God knows when. I remember my dad being diagnosed with heart disease and they gave him about five years to live so every year he would count down. I used to get so mad and tell him that only God knew.
No, my dad isn't here anymore, I lost him in 2005. It's hard to imagine that he has already been gone six years. I have his picture up on my wall and so I usually wake up to him looking at me, perhaps that's why I feel like he is still here. The week he died, I did not think I was going to make it. It was so hard and I cried every day. I sat looking at his pictures and listening to the Cd we played at his memorial. Someone told me that that was not a good idea as I was only making myself sad. I didn't care though because it was my process I had to go through to heal.
I see my son get a little better each day but he is going through the motions and going through his healing process. He watches his friends video blogs, listens to his music mixes and has stuck DJ Rowdy A stickers on places I would usually get mad at, but I can't. Goodbyes are never easy and it seems cruel that the world goes on even though it seems that your heart can't.
Something we have all heard before but now nags at my heart is that you only live once and life is too short. Find something you love and just do it. If there is something in your life you have to do to find happiness or love then do it. Say I love you if you do and forgive. Live a happy, positive and fulfilling life. God gifts us each a gift, use it and be happy. Don't wait until it is too late and you're saying goodbye...
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Wishing On A Star...
Each night I have this crazy ritual that I do. I usually wait till everyone is asleep and then I go outside to make sure all the cars all locked up. Sometimes I must admit I get freaked out and think Freddie Kruger is going to be hiding out by the trash cans like he did in Nightmare on Elm Street Most of the time though after I walk around the cars making sure they are all locked up I lean against my car and just marvel at the sky above.
There are so many things to look at at night in the sky and it's gotten to be something I look forward to. Sometimes the moon is low and orange like a big basketball in the sky. Sometimes the moon is so big and bright that you feel like you can just reach out and touch it.
Tonight I went outside and watched the big white fluffy clouds roll over my house. They were outlined by the moon and looked like they were painted. As the moon peaked in and out of those clouds I started to cry. See, something I didn't tell you is that as I am admiring whatever the night sky brings me I have my evening chat with God. I thank him for all that I have and it just makes me feel so at peace.
This week I have been more thankful than ever for my kids. Tonight is the night before my son's best friend's funeral. I cannot stop myself from thinking that my son wanted to go on that fateful trip....but he didn't because I wouldn't let him. As much as it is heartbreaking about his two friends that are no longer here with us, I cannot help but to continuously thank God that I have my son here with me. I thank God.
The other night I was outside and Adri came out to see what I was doing and I told her to look up at the sky. The sky was lit up with an abundance of stars and it just made me smile. I think that when we lose somebody and they are on our minds continuously a star shines over us at night to protect us or to give us a sign that they are watching over us and are ok.
Adri said that the bright star was probably my son's friend shining over him. It was a nice thought and it touched my heart. Sometimes in life when it's hard for us to understand what we don't, we are given little signs to make us feel like we are going to be ok.
I can have the most terrible day ever and somehow God makes it all better by providing me with beauty above my head at night. All I have to do is look up to find God, and I find him every night as I look up into the sky and delight in all the things that has been given to me and all that I am thankful for and all that I still wish upon.
Twinkle twinkle little star...
There are so many things to look at at night in the sky and it's gotten to be something I look forward to. Sometimes the moon is low and orange like a big basketball in the sky. Sometimes the moon is so big and bright that you feel like you can just reach out and touch it.
Tonight I went outside and watched the big white fluffy clouds roll over my house. They were outlined by the moon and looked like they were painted. As the moon peaked in and out of those clouds I started to cry. See, something I didn't tell you is that as I am admiring whatever the night sky brings me I have my evening chat with God. I thank him for all that I have and it just makes me feel so at peace.
This week I have been more thankful than ever for my kids. Tonight is the night before my son's best friend's funeral. I cannot stop myself from thinking that my son wanted to go on that fateful trip....but he didn't because I wouldn't let him. As much as it is heartbreaking about his two friends that are no longer here with us, I cannot help but to continuously thank God that I have my son here with me. I thank God.
The other night I was outside and Adri came out to see what I was doing and I told her to look up at the sky. The sky was lit up with an abundance of stars and it just made me smile. I think that when we lose somebody and they are on our minds continuously a star shines over us at night to protect us or to give us a sign that they are watching over us and are ok.
Adri said that the bright star was probably my son's friend shining over him. It was a nice thought and it touched my heart. Sometimes in life when it's hard for us to understand what we don't, we are given little signs to make us feel like we are going to be ok.
I can have the most terrible day ever and somehow God makes it all better by providing me with beauty above my head at night. All I have to do is look up to find God, and I find him every night as I look up into the sky and delight in all the things that has been given to me and all that I am thankful for and all that I still wish upon.
Twinkle twinkle little star...
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
This Little Light of Mine...
My mama always told me that I should be a writer. I remember once when she made me clean my room and I threw away alot of my writing and poetry. I remember my mom going out to the trash and retrieving a lot of it and her asking why I threw it away. I remember wondering what the big deal was, it was just poems and other writing after all and writing poetry has always come so easy for me so it wasn't like anythung I sat and thought out for days. I love to write (as you can tell) and for a while I forgot about that part of me. I would write in journals or maybe a few poems here and there but not like I used to do.
Then last year a lot of changes started to take place in my life and I started to remember the things I used to love and I started this blog. I have a lot of other things I am working on and when I start to think about all the things that I can do with my writing it excites me and makes me feel like the possibilities are endless.
Tonight in church we were told that each and every one of us have a gift and we should use those abilities that God gave to us. It made me think of my writing. My kids were also sitting there in church with me and I thought about their special gifts. I wonder where life will take them and what their gifts to the world will be. For me that's easy as the gift they give to me is being my kids...I really love them.
This week has been a very painful week for my son as he lost one of his best friends and another close friend, just within two days, they were both in a car accident. It has been hard to watch him go through the emotions that grief brings to us. He talked about his friends on the news and seeing him on TVwas surreal and I was proud of him. Tonight I read something he had in his folder that he plans to read at the funeral on Friday and tears rolled down my eyes. My mom told me I should be a writer and I truly believe he has the writing gift as well.
I wish that I could take his pain away and just see him smile again. It will take time but I know he will get there. I told him the other day that he could do whatever he puts his mind to and he can do it in the memory of his friend who taught him a lot and who was such an inspiration to him.
Yes, we all have a gift and gifts are meant to be given. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...may all your lights shine for all the world to see and enjoy.
Then last year a lot of changes started to take place in my life and I started to remember the things I used to love and I started this blog. I have a lot of other things I am working on and when I start to think about all the things that I can do with my writing it excites me and makes me feel like the possibilities are endless.
Tonight in church we were told that each and every one of us have a gift and we should use those abilities that God gave to us. It made me think of my writing. My kids were also sitting there in church with me and I thought about their special gifts. I wonder where life will take them and what their gifts to the world will be. For me that's easy as the gift they give to me is being my kids...I really love them.
This week has been a very painful week for my son as he lost one of his best friends and another close friend, just within two days, they were both in a car accident. It has been hard to watch him go through the emotions that grief brings to us. He talked about his friends on the news and seeing him on TVwas surreal and I was proud of him. Tonight I read something he had in his folder that he plans to read at the funeral on Friday and tears rolled down my eyes. My mom told me I should be a writer and I truly believe he has the writing gift as well.
I wish that I could take his pain away and just see him smile again. It will take time but I know he will get there. I told him the other day that he could do whatever he puts his mind to and he can do it in the memory of his friend who taught him a lot and who was such an inspiration to him.
Yes, we all have a gift and gifts are meant to be given. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...may all your lights shine for all the world to see and enjoy.
A Mom's Letter...
Dear wonderful children of mine whom I love so much,
I wanted to write you a letter to let you know that I love you with all my heart and with all my soul. Each day I watch you grow into the people that you will become and I am proud that you are my babies. As your mother there is so much that I want for you in life. I want to give you all the things that I didn't have and more. I want to be there with you for each step you take so that I can protect you...but I know that can't be done.
You are your own people, I can only tell you what to do until you're 18, I know its hard to listen to what I have to say, but believe it or not I was your age a long time ago and learned a lot of lessons along the way. I may not let you go places you want to go or do things that you want to do but I usually have a pretty good reason, just trust me.
You only live once so my advice to you is live it! Take your time to settle down or have babies, you will have plenty of time in your lives to get there,. Have fun and be kids. Never be so serious in life that you are uptight. Love yourselves before you love anyone. Believe that you are beautiful, God made you after all. If you love someone and they don't love you back they don't deserve you, there is someone in this world who is your perfect match ...believe it.
As much as it is hard to do love your parents. Looking back I know my parents loved me by making sacrifices for us. They sometimes went without so we didn't have to. They were there for me through thick and thin. I too am here for you for whatever you need. I will do everything I can to make sure you always are clothed, fed and housed and all the extra things. I want you to come to me for absolutely anything you need. I am also a good listener and you can talk to me about anything. Don't ever think anything different.
I don't want you to be scared to approach me because there is nothing you can tell me that will make my love for you ever go away. I love you unconditionally. My love for you has no boundaries.
Know that no matter what happens to us in life there is nothing too big for us to figure out how to get through. God will never give us anything we can't get through, he knows what we are capable of. If I ever get mad at you, it won't really last long before my mama love starts to kick in and I forget why I was ever mad.
I always, always only want the best for you. You are so smart and you can do whatever it is in life that you love and put your mind to. I am and will always be your biggest fan here on earth.
I hurt when you hurt. It breaks a mama's heart when one of her babies is sad and YES no matter how old you get, you will always be my babies. Know this...life is full of dissapointments but it is our choice to be dissapointed about them. Life will not always go your way and as long as you know that you will come out on top. Life is what we make of it. I am still learning about myself every day and I still don't have all the answers. Life does not come with an instruction manual, you have to just wing it and live your life day by day but to the fullest.
Don't waste your life stuck in the land of WHAT IF's. I once heard someone say there are people who make things happen, people who watch things happen and those that say what happened. Make things happen and love your life and everything and everyone in it.
I wanted to write you this letter because I am thankful for you every day. There may be days when you think I am mean and you won't like me very much but just know I will still love you. You grew in my stomach for nine months and we have a special bond because of it.
So just in case you ever wonder how I feel for you but don't want to ask...you can read this. ILY A and A.
I wanted to write you a letter to let you know that I love you with all my heart and with all my soul. Each day I watch you grow into the people that you will become and I am proud that you are my babies. As your mother there is so much that I want for you in life. I want to give you all the things that I didn't have and more. I want to be there with you for each step you take so that I can protect you...but I know that can't be done.
You are your own people, I can only tell you what to do until you're 18, I know its hard to listen to what I have to say, but believe it or not I was your age a long time ago and learned a lot of lessons along the way. I may not let you go places you want to go or do things that you want to do but I usually have a pretty good reason, just trust me.
You only live once so my advice to you is live it! Take your time to settle down or have babies, you will have plenty of time in your lives to get there,. Have fun and be kids. Never be so serious in life that you are uptight. Love yourselves before you love anyone. Believe that you are beautiful, God made you after all. If you love someone and they don't love you back they don't deserve you, there is someone in this world who is your perfect match ...believe it.
As much as it is hard to do love your parents. Looking back I know my parents loved me by making sacrifices for us. They sometimes went without so we didn't have to. They were there for me through thick and thin. I too am here for you for whatever you need. I will do everything I can to make sure you always are clothed, fed and housed and all the extra things. I want you to come to me for absolutely anything you need. I am also a good listener and you can talk to me about anything. Don't ever think anything different.
I don't want you to be scared to approach me because there is nothing you can tell me that will make my love for you ever go away. I love you unconditionally. My love for you has no boundaries.
Know that no matter what happens to us in life there is nothing too big for us to figure out how to get through. God will never give us anything we can't get through, he knows what we are capable of. If I ever get mad at you, it won't really last long before my mama love starts to kick in and I forget why I was ever mad.
I always, always only want the best for you. You are so smart and you can do whatever it is in life that you love and put your mind to. I am and will always be your biggest fan here on earth.
I hurt when you hurt. It breaks a mama's heart when one of her babies is sad and YES no matter how old you get, you will always be my babies. Know this...life is full of dissapointments but it is our choice to be dissapointed about them. Life will not always go your way and as long as you know that you will come out on top. Life is what we make of it. I am still learning about myself every day and I still don't have all the answers. Life does not come with an instruction manual, you have to just wing it and live your life day by day but to the fullest.
Don't waste your life stuck in the land of WHAT IF's. I once heard someone say there are people who make things happen, people who watch things happen and those that say what happened. Make things happen and love your life and everything and everyone in it.
I wanted to write you this letter because I am thankful for you every day. There may be days when you think I am mean and you won't like me very much but just know I will still love you. You grew in my stomach for nine months and we have a special bond because of it.
So just in case you ever wonder how I feel for you but don't want to ask...you can read this. ILY A and A.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Live...
My season of holiday cheer usually kicks off around Thanksgiving and I love to just decorate and be happy as I sip a cup of cocoa and watch the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree. It started off good and now I find myself deeply pondering my future because it took something sad to make me realize that life is too short to not love it and live it exactly how you want.
This weekend a very celebrated young man and very best friend to my son tragically passed away in a car accident. Today another friend of his who was also in the car also passed. For a teenager death is hard to handle but times it by two and it makes you really question why. I have watched my son turn from a happy and joking teenager to someone whose eyes look glassy from trying to hold back tears. It breaks my heart to see my kids have a broken heart and hurt so much.
One of these boys was a very popular DJ among the young kids and he was very much loved and really talented. He was an inspiration to my son and my son was so close to him and his family. My son has posters and flyers and stickers that were used to promote him all over his room. I listened to and watched some of his videos online and I have to say that he was also very wise. In one of his videos he asks "What are you doing WITH your life?" Not in your life but what are you really doing WITH your life. I watched that and cried. For someone who was just 21, he understood life much more so than many of us beyond 21. I must admit he made me wonder what the heck I'm doing here still when life is just waiting for me to grasp it.
All of these people were so affected by this boy, this young man who my son looked up to as well. Whenever we go somewhere my son always knows someone or someone knows him and says HEY DUCKY! That's his nickname. He told me today that his friend was the reason people know him and he has so many friends.
He asked me if he could go on this trip that took his friends away and I told him no because we had family coming over. The thought of it makes me cringe. I cannot imagine the pain these boys mothers and family are feeling. I can't imagine my son on that fateful trip, I don't want to. So as people are fighting at retail stores for stupid TV's I am still celebrating thanksgiving. I am truly thankful that my son is here with me and is a better person because he was touched and inspired by his friends who are no longer with us.
If you have kids, love them, even when they drive you crazy. A week ago I was nagging him about his grades and while those are important I have realized in just a matter of days that their well being means more than anything and as long as we have each other there is nothing we can't get through.
If you have a dream or something in your life you need to do... DO IT! Time waits for nothing and we only have one life. As one of those flyers to promote his friend in my son's room says...Live Life Loved.
Rest in peace boys...
This weekend a very celebrated young man and very best friend to my son tragically passed away in a car accident. Today another friend of his who was also in the car also passed. For a teenager death is hard to handle but times it by two and it makes you really question why. I have watched my son turn from a happy and joking teenager to someone whose eyes look glassy from trying to hold back tears. It breaks my heart to see my kids have a broken heart and hurt so much.
One of these boys was a very popular DJ among the young kids and he was very much loved and really talented. He was an inspiration to my son and my son was so close to him and his family. My son has posters and flyers and stickers that were used to promote him all over his room. I listened to and watched some of his videos online and I have to say that he was also very wise. In one of his videos he asks "What are you doing WITH your life?" Not in your life but what are you really doing WITH your life. I watched that and cried. For someone who was just 21, he understood life much more so than many of us beyond 21. I must admit he made me wonder what the heck I'm doing here still when life is just waiting for me to grasp it.
All of these people were so affected by this boy, this young man who my son looked up to as well. Whenever we go somewhere my son always knows someone or someone knows him and says HEY DUCKY! That's his nickname. He told me today that his friend was the reason people know him and he has so many friends.
He asked me if he could go on this trip that took his friends away and I told him no because we had family coming over. The thought of it makes me cringe. I cannot imagine the pain these boys mothers and family are feeling. I can't imagine my son on that fateful trip, I don't want to. So as people are fighting at retail stores for stupid TV's I am still celebrating thanksgiving. I am truly thankful that my son is here with me and is a better person because he was touched and inspired by his friends who are no longer with us.
If you have kids, love them, even when they drive you crazy. A week ago I was nagging him about his grades and while those are important I have realized in just a matter of days that their well being means more than anything and as long as we have each other there is nothing we can't get through.
If you have a dream or something in your life you need to do... DO IT! Time waits for nothing and we only have one life. As one of those flyers to promote his friend in my son's room says...Live Life Loved.
Rest in peace boys...
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thankful for Today...
Today is Thanksgiving 2011. I have been alive for 39 years and have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my parents who gave me life. I am thankful that I grew up in such a loving family and a family that was always there for each other. I am thankful for my Mom and Dad who worked hard through the years to raise us in good times and in bad. I am thankful that I grew out of being a spoiled brat and grew to understand how much my parents have meant to me through all the years. I am thankful that I have their blood flowing through my veins. While I am sad that my dad is no longer here I am thankful for all of the years that he was in my life. I am thankful that I still have my Mama here, even though I should call her more!
I am thankful for my siblings, all three of them. Even though we have all had our spats, I know that no matter what we all have each other's backs. The love between us is unconditional and I know it will always be that way, through whatever.
I am thankful for my kids. They have brought more joy and love to my life than I could ever have imagined they would. There are times especially now that they are teenagers that I just want to jump off a cliff because of teenage drama but no matter what those are my babies and I love them with all my heart and soul and would do anything for them. They have my heart and they know it.
I am thankful for their dad even though he is the reason I don't wear a size 7 anymore and have gray hair that I dye whenever I see one. I am thankful for him as someone whom I have shared 18 years with and who took some part in me having my babies.
I am thankful for my friends. If it was not for them I would not be who I am today. They give me strength and encouragemen and are my personal cheerleaders. I know I can count on them at any hour of any day and I love them for that.
I am thankful for my church and all my church family. They have taken us in this past year and really gave me a sense of belonging to a church. I love every one of them and everything I have there.
I am thankful for my job. I may not want to get up in the mornings but I know that all that I have would not be possible without my job. I am thankful for the cars in the driveway to get us to work. I am thankful for the house I complain about all the time.
I am thankful for the people in the military who fight for our freedom each day.
The list could go on and on. I know we think a lot about what we are grateful for on this day and not much on any other day. I heard a quote the other day that went like this...Thanksgiving should not just be a day on the calendar, but it should be a way of life. Let's make a vow to be thankful every day!
Finally...I am thankful for having God in my life. I may not be perfect and I am still a work in progress, but now more than ever I feel more spiritual than I have ever felt. When I am having a bad day I go straight for my bible and read passages and it calms me and I know everything will be ok.
I am thankful to God for putting me exactly where he wants me to be right now. I don't have a clue about what will happen in the future but I know that with God in my life that is just enough for me to be thankful for.
Happy Thankgsgiving...
I am thankful for my siblings, all three of them. Even though we have all had our spats, I know that no matter what we all have each other's backs. The love between us is unconditional and I know it will always be that way, through whatever.
I am thankful for my kids. They have brought more joy and love to my life than I could ever have imagined they would. There are times especially now that they are teenagers that I just want to jump off a cliff because of teenage drama but no matter what those are my babies and I love them with all my heart and soul and would do anything for them. They have my heart and they know it.
I am thankful for their dad even though he is the reason I don't wear a size 7 anymore and have gray hair that I dye whenever I see one. I am thankful for him as someone whom I have shared 18 years with and who took some part in me having my babies.
I am thankful for my friends. If it was not for them I would not be who I am today. They give me strength and encouragemen and are my personal cheerleaders. I know I can count on them at any hour of any day and I love them for that.
I am thankful for my church and all my church family. They have taken us in this past year and really gave me a sense of belonging to a church. I love every one of them and everything I have there.
I am thankful for my job. I may not want to get up in the mornings but I know that all that I have would not be possible without my job. I am thankful for the cars in the driveway to get us to work. I am thankful for the house I complain about all the time.
I am thankful for the people in the military who fight for our freedom each day.
The list could go on and on. I know we think a lot about what we are grateful for on this day and not much on any other day. I heard a quote the other day that went like this...Thanksgiving should not just be a day on the calendar, but it should be a way of life. Let's make a vow to be thankful every day!
Finally...I am thankful for having God in my life. I may not be perfect and I am still a work in progress, but now more than ever I feel more spiritual than I have ever felt. When I am having a bad day I go straight for my bible and read passages and it calms me and I know everything will be ok.
I am thankful to God for putting me exactly where he wants me to be right now. I don't have a clue about what will happen in the future but I know that with God in my life that is just enough for me to be thankful for.
Happy Thankgsgiving...
Thursday, November 3, 2011
In the Air...
Back in May I wrote a blog called "On the Edge"...do you remember? If not, go back and read it. Those who know me best know exactly what that story is about. I like to go back and read my blogs and see what I was going through and compare it to where I am in my life today. Today's blog is called "In the Air" and there's a reason.
Back in May I was on the edge and now here I am somehow suspended in the air. Simply put...I jumped. Those fragrant flowers on the bottom were too much to simply view them from a distance, I wanted to hold them, to have them in my hands. Those people at the bottom cheering me on never stopped, even if I could not hear them as loudly.
I look behind me and there is the edge and all the reasons I jumped. I guess I feel at times that more so I was pushed. The flowers that were planted to convince me to stay have slowly withered and yet still seeds are planted even more so lately to show me how pretty it can be up there.
I haven't landed and although I jumped it's as if time has somehow stopped. There is still a sense of not wanting to drop and fall to the valley below yet there is a sense of excitement and wonder as to what my next adventure will be in my next chapter. But the argument that my heart and my mind are having with each other is can I do this?
Everything I know that is crazy yet familiar is up there there on that cliff and then on the bottom is everything I don't know but feel giddy about discovering. How can I come this far to just say nevermind? Yes it's scary but I am confident I can face whatever awaits me there...but then when will I get there.
These are things that are floating around in my head as I float in the air waiting for gravity to pull me down and lifelines getting thrown to me in hopes I'll climb back up. The day I jumped off that cliff was the hardest and most emotional but with each new day since then, and it's only been a few, I'm one step closer to the bottom of the cliff that will one day become my top of the world.
Back in May I was on the edge and now here I am somehow suspended in the air. Simply put...I jumped. Those fragrant flowers on the bottom were too much to simply view them from a distance, I wanted to hold them, to have them in my hands. Those people at the bottom cheering me on never stopped, even if I could not hear them as loudly.
I look behind me and there is the edge and all the reasons I jumped. I guess I feel at times that more so I was pushed. The flowers that were planted to convince me to stay have slowly withered and yet still seeds are planted even more so lately to show me how pretty it can be up there.
I haven't landed and although I jumped it's as if time has somehow stopped. There is still a sense of not wanting to drop and fall to the valley below yet there is a sense of excitement and wonder as to what my next adventure will be in my next chapter. But the argument that my heart and my mind are having with each other is can I do this?
Everything I know that is crazy yet familiar is up there there on that cliff and then on the bottom is everything I don't know but feel giddy about discovering. How can I come this far to just say nevermind? Yes it's scary but I am confident I can face whatever awaits me there...but then when will I get there.
These are things that are floating around in my head as I float in the air waiting for gravity to pull me down and lifelines getting thrown to me in hopes I'll climb back up. The day I jumped off that cliff was the hardest and most emotional but with each new day since then, and it's only been a few, I'm one step closer to the bottom of the cliff that will one day become my top of the world.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Heart Strings
My son turned 17 this weekend. My daughter turned 15 in July. I look at them and wonder where the time went. I remember when Adri was a baby and Ant used to want to help me with her. He would pull her around on a blanket so he could have her there with him. These days they get along maybe twice a week, I am hoping that will change as they get older.
It seems like only yesterday I was their age and going through things that I see them facing. Back in the day life seemed to be so much easier than what it is today. My son is at the point in his life where all he wants to do is hang out with his friends and enjoy the last year of his high school years. I was that way too, but less intense. My idea of being a rebel was ditching school to decorate the band float and the kicker was that all the parents let us be absent that day, so we were not really rebels. A good party was drinking soda and maybe sneaking a wine cooler or a zima (haha Zima)! Nowadays If I pick Ant up from a party there is usually a cop watching all the teenagers leave in an orderly fashion. Back in the day a cop would have scared the crap out of us.
Then there is my daughter. She wears her heart on her sleeve and she is not hard to figure out. Back in the day I had teenage crushes but it was different. The longest I liked someone was two months tops and then there was someone else. She is different. If she likes someone, she does it devotedly (is that a word?). She does it with her whole heart. She has had a crush for a while but he doesn't want to crush on her back. While I can understand how my baby girl feels and how her heart seems to be breaking I have to admit I am glad her crush only likes her as a friend.
I remember my mom telling me that I would have my whole life to meet someone and fall in love and to be a kid. I remember liking boys and if they didn't like me I thought it was the end of the world. I look back on those days and smile. When you are a teenager you actually do think it's the end of the world if HE does not like you back, I was there once too. Tonight I had to have a talk with her and tell her the same thing my mama told me. I told her that she was beautiful and that there are plenty of people who think the same thing. I told her not to waste her time on someone who couldn't see how special she was. Of course that talk went in one ear and out the other when all she could do was tell me how she would forget about him in a year...oh young love!
It's crazy looking at these little people that I once had in my stomach. I sometimes miss them as sweet little babies who smelled of baby magic products and now smell like Victoria's Secret and Axe products. They are taller than me and I like the people they have become. I will admit that there are those days I would rather jump off a cliff than to deal with them and their attitudes but they are typically good kids. It's kind of like having these mini friends who live with you and help you deal with your spouse.
It is hard being a teenager and I give them credit for their efforts but I must also say that it is hard being a parent. You see them going through things and you know more or less what the outcome will be and when you try and help them in the right direction they accuse you of trying to control them. It's hard to imagine that at this time next year my son will be an adult, a real live legal adult 18 year old. It's scary.
I guess in the end all I can do is pray. I will pray that one day they will go to church without me asking them to. I pray that they will take the right paths in life and I just pray for them.
They make me smile, make me cry, make me happy and sometimes break my heart. I would do anything for them and they take up residence in most of my heart. Your babies will always be your babies, no matter what and I plan on being with mine every step of the way.
It seems like only yesterday I was their age and going through things that I see them facing. Back in the day life seemed to be so much easier than what it is today. My son is at the point in his life where all he wants to do is hang out with his friends and enjoy the last year of his high school years. I was that way too, but less intense. My idea of being a rebel was ditching school to decorate the band float and the kicker was that all the parents let us be absent that day, so we were not really rebels. A good party was drinking soda and maybe sneaking a wine cooler or a zima (haha Zima)! Nowadays If I pick Ant up from a party there is usually a cop watching all the teenagers leave in an orderly fashion. Back in the day a cop would have scared the crap out of us.
Then there is my daughter. She wears her heart on her sleeve and she is not hard to figure out. Back in the day I had teenage crushes but it was different. The longest I liked someone was two months tops and then there was someone else. She is different. If she likes someone, she does it devotedly (is that a word?). She does it with her whole heart. She has had a crush for a while but he doesn't want to crush on her back. While I can understand how my baby girl feels and how her heart seems to be breaking I have to admit I am glad her crush only likes her as a friend.
I remember my mom telling me that I would have my whole life to meet someone and fall in love and to be a kid. I remember liking boys and if they didn't like me I thought it was the end of the world. I look back on those days and smile. When you are a teenager you actually do think it's the end of the world if HE does not like you back, I was there once too. Tonight I had to have a talk with her and tell her the same thing my mama told me. I told her that she was beautiful and that there are plenty of people who think the same thing. I told her not to waste her time on someone who couldn't see how special she was. Of course that talk went in one ear and out the other when all she could do was tell me how she would forget about him in a year...oh young love!
It's crazy looking at these little people that I once had in my stomach. I sometimes miss them as sweet little babies who smelled of baby magic products and now smell like Victoria's Secret and Axe products. They are taller than me and I like the people they have become. I will admit that there are those days I would rather jump off a cliff than to deal with them and their attitudes but they are typically good kids. It's kind of like having these mini friends who live with you and help you deal with your spouse.
It is hard being a teenager and I give them credit for their efforts but I must also say that it is hard being a parent. You see them going through things and you know more or less what the outcome will be and when you try and help them in the right direction they accuse you of trying to control them. It's hard to imagine that at this time next year my son will be an adult, a real live legal adult 18 year old. It's scary.
I guess in the end all I can do is pray. I will pray that one day they will go to church without me asking them to. I pray that they will take the right paths in life and I just pray for them.
They make me smile, make me cry, make me happy and sometimes break my heart. I would do anything for them and they take up residence in most of my heart. Your babies will always be your babies, no matter what and I plan on being with mine every step of the way.
Monday, October 3, 2011
FALLing
I was outside a while ago and I realized that it finally seemed like Fall. This is one of my favorite times of the year when the weather changes but not so much that it's pouring outside. I like it when it's cool outside at night and you have to actually use some kind of blanket when you go to sleep. I love the colors of the season as well. I love looking up at the trees with the leaves that have changed from green to hues of orange, yellow, red and brown. You notice these things when you're a kid but when you get older it all becomes somewhat whimsical.
Shopping during fall when all you expect are Halloween costumes makes you crazy when you realize that Christmas is just around the corner. Yesterday at Target they had halloween decorations right next to Christmas cards. Honestly, I can't imagine where the year went. Last time I looked we were welcoming in 2011 and in just three short months we will welcome in 2012. You know what that means...the end of the world according to some....but wait...wasn't the world supposed to end in 1999 too? All I know is that we are all on this earth for a reason and we are all leaving it one day, but I doubt we are all going to be wiped out because a calendar ends next year.
This year flew by. As I sit here and reflect on my life this year I must say that it has been eye opening. I went through a lot of medical procedures, personal changes, spritual transformation and just a myriad of my own all kinds of crazy that in essence made me realize that the only way to go is forward. There have been times I lost sight of my goals and dreams and plans but I know with little reinforcements every day I am going to get there. When my dreams and hopes become reality I will look back on the year that was my turning point and remember 2011. This time last year I would never have believed that I would be here close to ten pm in my own private suite, ready to go to bed alone...but I am. I think about all the events that took place to get me to this point and things make me both happy and tearful.
I may not have the exact blueprint for the next chapter in my life but I am faithful that God will show me the way and I will be happy. Who knows where I will be when the summer leaves change into fall colors again next year and I am reflecting on all the things 2012 has brought me.
Shopping during fall when all you expect are Halloween costumes makes you crazy when you realize that Christmas is just around the corner. Yesterday at Target they had halloween decorations right next to Christmas cards. Honestly, I can't imagine where the year went. Last time I looked we were welcoming in 2011 and in just three short months we will welcome in 2012. You know what that means...the end of the world according to some....but wait...wasn't the world supposed to end in 1999 too? All I know is that we are all on this earth for a reason and we are all leaving it one day, but I doubt we are all going to be wiped out because a calendar ends next year.
This year flew by. As I sit here and reflect on my life this year I must say that it has been eye opening. I went through a lot of medical procedures, personal changes, spritual transformation and just a myriad of my own all kinds of crazy that in essence made me realize that the only way to go is forward. There have been times I lost sight of my goals and dreams and plans but I know with little reinforcements every day I am going to get there. When my dreams and hopes become reality I will look back on the year that was my turning point and remember 2011. This time last year I would never have believed that I would be here close to ten pm in my own private suite, ready to go to bed alone...but I am. I think about all the events that took place to get me to this point and things make me both happy and tearful.
I may not have the exact blueprint for the next chapter in my life but I am faithful that God will show me the way and I will be happy. Who knows where I will be when the summer leaves change into fall colors again next year and I am reflecting on all the things 2012 has brought me.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Ode to Mothers Everywhere...
I remember when I was growing up my mom cried a lot after one of us kids did something to make her mad. I first witnessed it with my mom and sis in her teenage years and then one day my sister moved out and it was just me and my brother (and of course my dad) to make my mom cry. My brother was a boy and did not always make the best decisions in life back then...this made my mom cry. After seeing all the things they did I vowed that I wasn't going to be that awful yet still even I made my mom cry.
We were all bad in different ways and even though my things I chose to do were more subtle, they still broke my mother's heart at times. Perhaps it wasn't always the actions but the words we used because we knew it would hurt her and we as kids want to feel like we know more than our parents. We would never make the same mistakes our parents made and we rolled our eyes or said bad things under our breath.
Back when I was growing up I was genuinely scared of my parents and even though my dad was the main person I was scared of (perhaps it had to do with that back in the day leather belt) I was also scared of my mom, though I never showed it or at least tried not to.
I remember when I was about 9 and my mother was having an awful week...Grandma Jean just passed and my mother was grieving for her mother. This did not matter to me though and I continued to be a little brat. My mom asked me to go get the belt and I refused-heck no was I going to go get that belt and hand it over so she could smack me! So she went and got the belt. Lucky for me my mom loves to arrange furniture and she arranged our couch so it was in the middle of the room. She came out and chased me until she gave up...but that's not the end of the story! I had this little white doll with blonde hair that I called Amanda and I carried her everywhere, she was my baby! Amanda happened to be on the couch that day and since my mom could not catch me...Amanda was the next best thing! She got that belt and whooped my baby doll Amanda so bad and her little plastic eyes kept opening and closing. I remember screaming..."MY BABY...YOU'RE KILLING MY BABY! I AM GOING TO TELL MY DADDY! My mom stopped and I took my doll and went to my room. It's a good thing that doll took the beating for me that day. Mom and I still laugh about this now and now I have no idea what even happened to that little doll!
Now I have kids of my own and though they have not tried to do some of the things my siblings and I got away with, I have found that now as a mother, their mother, I like my mom did so long ago cry at times. Kids don't realize how much they break our hearts with actions and words. Even the littlest kids can make us feel so incompetent and awful and they're not even trying. We beat ourselves up over how we could have done things differently to have raised them better or we find ourselves saying..."IF ONLY and blame ourselves for what they do from the time they are born to the day we die.
Lately I have found that my kids are getting the best of me and I cry and pray and try to help but after a while I know that I am doing the best I can. One day they will be parents and realize that there was some truth to things I told them and understand that everything we do or say to them or for them was for their own good. Until then I will just hope that they turn out ok like me and my siblings did.
Thanks Mom for caring and loving us...I love you and miss you.
We were all bad in different ways and even though my things I chose to do were more subtle, they still broke my mother's heart at times. Perhaps it wasn't always the actions but the words we used because we knew it would hurt her and we as kids want to feel like we know more than our parents. We would never make the same mistakes our parents made and we rolled our eyes or said bad things under our breath.
Back when I was growing up I was genuinely scared of my parents and even though my dad was the main person I was scared of (perhaps it had to do with that back in the day leather belt) I was also scared of my mom, though I never showed it or at least tried not to.
I remember when I was about 9 and my mother was having an awful week...Grandma Jean just passed and my mother was grieving for her mother. This did not matter to me though and I continued to be a little brat. My mom asked me to go get the belt and I refused-heck no was I going to go get that belt and hand it over so she could smack me! So she went and got the belt. Lucky for me my mom loves to arrange furniture and she arranged our couch so it was in the middle of the room. She came out and chased me until she gave up...but that's not the end of the story! I had this little white doll with blonde hair that I called Amanda and I carried her everywhere, she was my baby! Amanda happened to be on the couch that day and since my mom could not catch me...Amanda was the next best thing! She got that belt and whooped my baby doll Amanda so bad and her little plastic eyes kept opening and closing. I remember screaming..."MY BABY...YOU'RE KILLING MY BABY! I AM GOING TO TELL MY DADDY! My mom stopped and I took my doll and went to my room. It's a good thing that doll took the beating for me that day. Mom and I still laugh about this now and now I have no idea what even happened to that little doll!
Now I have kids of my own and though they have not tried to do some of the things my siblings and I got away with, I have found that now as a mother, their mother, I like my mom did so long ago cry at times. Kids don't realize how much they break our hearts with actions and words. Even the littlest kids can make us feel so incompetent and awful and they're not even trying. We beat ourselves up over how we could have done things differently to have raised them better or we find ourselves saying..."IF ONLY and blame ourselves for what they do from the time they are born to the day we die.
Lately I have found that my kids are getting the best of me and I cry and pray and try to help but after a while I know that I am doing the best I can. One day they will be parents and realize that there was some truth to things I told them and understand that everything we do or say to them or for them was for their own good. Until then I will just hope that they turn out ok like me and my siblings did.
Thanks Mom for caring and loving us...I love you and miss you.
Monday, September 19, 2011
JUST BREATHE...
These last few weeks have been a whirlwind and it seems like I am finally able to take a few minutes and just breathe. Let's begin with senior pictures a few weeks ago. We had to take Anthony to the Lifetouch Corona studio since it was either there or Glendale or Hesperia...so I opted for the closer yet still a pain to get to choice. So we got there after what seemed like a forever drive and considering I hate driving on freeways that are anywhere outside of my comfort zone, I think we made good time. Ok, so we get there and the parking was awful but I managed to snag a spot as a student was leaving. We walked into some ginormous studio with students sitting around with their change of clothes waiting for their turn.
My first choice was to take Ant to the mall and go to the studio there since they have some awesome senior portrait prices and then I found out that the picture that goes in the yearbook needs to come from the main company and you had to even pay for that! We are still going to the mall for all his fun pics but this was just the yearbook photo. Ant didn't have to get totally dressed up, he only was taking a headshot. I was so taken back by how grown up he looked with a nice shirt and tie compliments of his Dad...since Ant would not yet choose those kinds of clothes. We watched and supervised his session and I was sad I left my phone outside. I wanted to share with the world how awesome my baby looked!
Then...on the way home as I opted to get in the carpool lane which was clear when I looked and signaled ..the car behind us decided to go faster and well, you know how awesome fender benders can be on the freeway! It was scary and not to mention we were right off the fast lane. A CHP on his way home from work stopped and led us off the freeway and that's when I came face to face with craaaaaaaazy. I was pretty impressed because I was pretty calm and even Ant noticed. She practically got in my face and said...WHY DID YOU HIT ME....DO YOU KNOW HOW MESSED UP THAT WAS...MY DAUGHTER WAS IN THE CAR. Her daughter was about Anthony's age and I think had it been another time Ant and the daughter would've hit it off. I told her I understood but that my son was also in the car and right inside the door that her front tire was now imprinted upon the car door. She took pictures with her phone and then she looked at me or shall I say she looked at my nationality and said...DO YOU EVEN HAVE INSURANCE. What? Mexicans can have insurance too? get out! Yes she actually did have the nerve to ask that and I knew what she was getting at! I could feel the mexican rising up in me but I just stayed calm as she went on a rampage telling me how it was not cool. Oh yeah did I mention she was in a TAHOE? Yup, my little Honda was lucky it didn't get more than a tire imprint on my car and some little dents. Her car? not anything more than a scratch if that but you would have thought it was worse by her ranting. After the CHP's showed up and the police report was taken I was free to leave. I got home and couldn't help but to check out my little car. Turns out aside from a few dents and scratches that tire imprint came right off with nail polish remover.
I was happy that we were all ok and suddenly seeing my son get his senior pictures taken was more to me than imperfections on my car. We're fine, the car is fine, perhaps one day I will get it fixed.
Then there was the MRI results I had been waiting for for the six month checkup of my liver tumor to make sure it was still nothing. I gave up trying to track down my results at the hospital, with my doctor, medical records, and then they called me. I first heard a message from the hospital telling me I need additional testing. Then after I missed another call from my doctor I listened to a voice mail telling me he had my test results and wanted to speak with me....uh-oh...this can't be good! As it turns out they should have done some other test but they missed that so my sudden thought of dying because of a stupid tumor subsided at least for a little bit...new tests will be done this week...I'll keep you posted.
Add to that work, home, kids, bible class, sunday school teaching, meetings with school counselors and oh yeah Ant needing a root canal and wisdom teeth pulled I have been crazy busy. As I sit here finally feeling a llittle sense of peace here in my little suite smelling the aroma of my marshmallow candle getting ready to read before I turn in for the night I feel like I can breathe...just breathe.
My first choice was to take Ant to the mall and go to the studio there since they have some awesome senior portrait prices and then I found out that the picture that goes in the yearbook needs to come from the main company and you had to even pay for that! We are still going to the mall for all his fun pics but this was just the yearbook photo. Ant didn't have to get totally dressed up, he only was taking a headshot. I was so taken back by how grown up he looked with a nice shirt and tie compliments of his Dad...since Ant would not yet choose those kinds of clothes. We watched and supervised his session and I was sad I left my phone outside. I wanted to share with the world how awesome my baby looked!
Then...on the way home as I opted to get in the carpool lane which was clear when I looked and signaled ..the car behind us decided to go faster and well, you know how awesome fender benders can be on the freeway! It was scary and not to mention we were right off the fast lane. A CHP on his way home from work stopped and led us off the freeway and that's when I came face to face with craaaaaaaazy. I was pretty impressed because I was pretty calm and even Ant noticed. She practically got in my face and said...WHY DID YOU HIT ME....DO YOU KNOW HOW MESSED UP THAT WAS...MY DAUGHTER WAS IN THE CAR. Her daughter was about Anthony's age and I think had it been another time Ant and the daughter would've hit it off. I told her I understood but that my son was also in the car and right inside the door that her front tire was now imprinted upon the car door. She took pictures with her phone and then she looked at me or shall I say she looked at my nationality and said...DO YOU EVEN HAVE INSURANCE. What? Mexicans can have insurance too? get out! Yes she actually did have the nerve to ask that and I knew what she was getting at! I could feel the mexican rising up in me but I just stayed calm as she went on a rampage telling me how it was not cool. Oh yeah did I mention she was in a TAHOE? Yup, my little Honda was lucky it didn't get more than a tire imprint on my car and some little dents. Her car? not anything more than a scratch if that but you would have thought it was worse by her ranting. After the CHP's showed up and the police report was taken I was free to leave. I got home and couldn't help but to check out my little car. Turns out aside from a few dents and scratches that tire imprint came right off with nail polish remover.
I was happy that we were all ok and suddenly seeing my son get his senior pictures taken was more to me than imperfections on my car. We're fine, the car is fine, perhaps one day I will get it fixed.
Then there was the MRI results I had been waiting for for the six month checkup of my liver tumor to make sure it was still nothing. I gave up trying to track down my results at the hospital, with my doctor, medical records, and then they called me. I first heard a message from the hospital telling me I need additional testing. Then after I missed another call from my doctor I listened to a voice mail telling me he had my test results and wanted to speak with me....uh-oh...this can't be good! As it turns out they should have done some other test but they missed that so my sudden thought of dying because of a stupid tumor subsided at least for a little bit...new tests will be done this week...I'll keep you posted.
Add to that work, home, kids, bible class, sunday school teaching, meetings with school counselors and oh yeah Ant needing a root canal and wisdom teeth pulled I have been crazy busy. As I sit here finally feeling a llittle sense of peace here in my little suite smelling the aroma of my marshmallow candle getting ready to read before I turn in for the night I feel like I can breathe...just breathe.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I Don't Know Why...
Sometimes I just don't know why. I don't know why for a lot of things. I don't have all the answers, I don't know why. I am sitting in my suite tonight with a heavy heart and eyes that aren't dry. It could be that I went to Back to School Night tonight and found out that the kids just don't care about their grades, when they should be. I guess I just don't understand why you would want to get to this point and just give up when I know they are so much smarter. I don't know why kids break our hearts and think that their parents want anything less than the best for them. I don't know why they insist that they are smarter than us.
I don't know why a little girl can envision her perfect prince coming along one day to rescue and take care of her and when she grows up she realizes it just may end up that she lives in her own private suite. I don't know why I sometimes lay in bed at night and think of all my what ifs. I don't know why I can't forget people who who don't care for me like I do for them. I don't know why I am still here in this ocean waiting for my ship to come in when in reality it's just a pond. I don't know why I excitedly dream about my adventures in life and then wake up wishing I was still asleep. I don't know why your heart won't do what you tell it. I don't know why I see happy people and get jealous I'm not them. I don't know why I'm scared to roam.
I don't know why people we love and think about every day move away from us and then get sad they aren't close by. I don't know why I sit on a small patch of grass surrounded by a sea of square stones talking to someone who isn't even there. I don't know why I listen to songs that remind me of happier times but only make me sad.
I don't know why people do what they do. I don't know why people are who they are. I don't know why people are people. I don't even know why I am here. I guess the only thing I really know is that I am here right now and I am the only one I can blame for my unhappiness. If I don't care enough to find my destiny, no one else will be either. As the saying goes...You can lead a horse to the water but you can't force them to drink...and I wish I did, but I don't know why.
I don't know why a little girl can envision her perfect prince coming along one day to rescue and take care of her and when she grows up she realizes it just may end up that she lives in her own private suite. I don't know why I sometimes lay in bed at night and think of all my what ifs. I don't know why I can't forget people who who don't care for me like I do for them. I don't know why I am still here in this ocean waiting for my ship to come in when in reality it's just a pond. I don't know why I excitedly dream about my adventures in life and then wake up wishing I was still asleep. I don't know why your heart won't do what you tell it. I don't know why I see happy people and get jealous I'm not them. I don't know why I'm scared to roam.
I don't know why people we love and think about every day move away from us and then get sad they aren't close by. I don't know why I sit on a small patch of grass surrounded by a sea of square stones talking to someone who isn't even there. I don't know why I listen to songs that remind me of happier times but only make me sad.
I don't know why people do what they do. I don't know why people are who they are. I don't know why people are people. I don't even know why I am here. I guess the only thing I really know is that I am here right now and I am the only one I can blame for my unhappiness. If I don't care enough to find my destiny, no one else will be either. As the saying goes...You can lead a horse to the water but you can't force them to drink...and I wish I did, but I don't know why.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Be A Parent, Be Be A Parent...
Ok, so when I was in high school or perhaps it was junior high, the cheerleaders had this cheer that went..."Be agressive, be be agressive. It was annoying and their cheerful smiles and stiff body formations made me want to be agressive and knock them down. But when I was thinking about the blog I am bringing you this evening, it's all I could think about because I hear the title of this blog so much it reminded me of those annoying cheerleaders. So...be a parent, what the heck does she mean by that you may ask. Pull up a chair, I have lots to say.
When I had my kids I thought the terrible two's would be the worst. Oh of course I knew that they would grow up to be bratty tweens and then teenagers with an attitude but I thought that would be a breeze. I was wrong. Most of the time it usually is one of the kids who are pushing all the right buttons here at home and half of the time they are pushing them buttons I am at work or somewhere else far far away. If or shall I say when a fight ensues it involves all three of my kids...oh did I mention I only have two kids...ladies, I will let you draw your conclusions of who the other kid is, you know who I mean!
Here is usually how the scenario goes. A fight breaks out, yell, yell, yell, talk crap, yell, yell, accuse, yell yell blah blah blah. Then I pull up and walk into the warzone. It's a race between all of them to see who can get to me first to tell me their side or because of technology I will get a pre-show via text message. They will tell me their side, he will tell me his but not before more blah blah blah. See I guess that's not really how the fighting sounds but I am getting really good at tuning them all out and thinking of other things entirely while it looks as though I am actually paying attention.
So the kids tell me their side and then it's his turn. As he is trying to tell me why he is the good guy and they are the villains, they will still be yelling at each other saying things like..."Don'tbelieve him mom!" I guess so long ago I used to actually listen until the battles that were not my own became mine when I started hearing.."You need to be a parent and do something. There goes that stupid cheer in my head but this time I can hear Be a parent be be a parent. I am a parent and it's apparent to me that someone actually needs to listen to that advice.
Since when did I become the one who disciplines for everything when half the fights happen when I'm not home. Why should I punish them about fighting about the computer when he let them get on after we agreed it wasn't going to happen and then I get told "Be a parent and do something"...are you kidding me? Then he pulls out the file cabinet in his brain and starts pointing fingers at me about kid situations from back in the archives. Kinda goes like this..."Yes I let them go on for two minutes, but last season of MTV she watched every episode of Jersey Shore when I asked you not to let her. Ok...I get it! I am not perfect and yes I let her watch Snooki getting punched in the face but the difference is, I accept that wrong and take the blame for it without saying "Yes I did it but you did X, Y and Z! Why oh why do people have to go on and on...just shut up, or as Adri says..."I prefer be quiet"
My BFF Frankie and I were discussing this just the other day and we both agreed it's like OK!!!!Get over it already. We are parents stop pointing fingers at us because you're not the parents we are. Here's the thing...If the kids are with me and make me mad I will be the parent and discipliner...is that a word? When you're there with them YOU be the parent and discipline them. So here I stand like one of those annoying cheerleaders and I'm cheering the words back to you...YOU be a parent, be be a parent and stop telling me to be something I do wonderfully!
When I had my kids I thought the terrible two's would be the worst. Oh of course I knew that they would grow up to be bratty tweens and then teenagers with an attitude but I thought that would be a breeze. I was wrong. Most of the time it usually is one of the kids who are pushing all the right buttons here at home and half of the time they are pushing them buttons I am at work or somewhere else far far away. If or shall I say when a fight ensues it involves all three of my kids...oh did I mention I only have two kids...ladies, I will let you draw your conclusions of who the other kid is, you know who I mean!
Here is usually how the scenario goes. A fight breaks out, yell, yell, yell, talk crap, yell, yell, accuse, yell yell blah blah blah. Then I pull up and walk into the warzone. It's a race between all of them to see who can get to me first to tell me their side or because of technology I will get a pre-show via text message. They will tell me their side, he will tell me his but not before more blah blah blah. See I guess that's not really how the fighting sounds but I am getting really good at tuning them all out and thinking of other things entirely while it looks as though I am actually paying attention.
So the kids tell me their side and then it's his turn. As he is trying to tell me why he is the good guy and they are the villains, they will still be yelling at each other saying things like..."Don'tbelieve him mom!" I guess so long ago I used to actually listen until the battles that were not my own became mine when I started hearing.."You need to be a parent and do something. There goes that stupid cheer in my head but this time I can hear Be a parent be be a parent. I am a parent and it's apparent to me that someone actually needs to listen to that advice.
Since when did I become the one who disciplines for everything when half the fights happen when I'm not home. Why should I punish them about fighting about the computer when he let them get on after we agreed it wasn't going to happen and then I get told "Be a parent and do something"...are you kidding me? Then he pulls out the file cabinet in his brain and starts pointing fingers at me about kid situations from back in the archives. Kinda goes like this..."Yes I let them go on for two minutes, but last season of MTV she watched every episode of Jersey Shore when I asked you not to let her. Ok...I get it! I am not perfect and yes I let her watch Snooki getting punched in the face but the difference is, I accept that wrong and take the blame for it without saying "Yes I did it but you did X, Y and Z! Why oh why do people have to go on and on...just shut up, or as Adri says..."I prefer be quiet"
My BFF Frankie and I were discussing this just the other day and we both agreed it's like OK!!!!Get over it already. We are parents stop pointing fingers at us because you're not the parents we are. Here's the thing...If the kids are with me and make me mad I will be the parent and discipliner...is that a word? When you're there with them YOU be the parent and discipline them. So here I stand like one of those annoying cheerleaders and I'm cheering the words back to you...YOU be a parent, be be a parent and stop telling me to be something I do wonderfully!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
My Senior Moment at 38
So today I had a senior moment...and I'm not even 40. No, this senior moment was when I stood outside watching my boy walk to school, his last year of high school...it is him that's a Senior and I couldn't help but to get teary eyed as I stood there.
It seems like just yesterday that I was pregnant with my baby boy. All at once he grew up before my eyes. I remember when I couldn't wait for him to start talking so we could communicate. Then he started talking and wouldn't be quiet. I remember when my daughter was born and he used to pull the blanket around with her on it.
Where did the time go? I remember him sleeping in our bed with us when he was so little. I remember him standing at the front door of his daycare screaming when I had to leave him to go to work. I remember those younger years. I remember buying him clothes from wherever they had cute clothes and shoes from Payless, boy I sometimes miss those inexpensive days.
Then came the school years. I have this picture of Ant holding his lunchpail in front of his Kindergarten class and smiling where you could see all his teeth, it's an adorable picture. Then began the years of overprotective mother who volunteered in the class just to be close to her baby. I went through so much in school with him I felt like I was there attending school right there with him.
I remember watching his middle school graduation and being so proud, I can only imagine how proud I will be in June. It seems like I just graduated not too long ago, wow, its hard to believe that was 21 years ago.
So as I get ready to take him to take his Senior pictures soon I sit in awe that I have this wonderful and sometimes annoying son who has brought nothing but joy to my life. We have our ups and downs but I am so grateful every day that God blessed us with this wonderful boy who with hard work and motivation I know will graduate.
I miss that little baby boy I used to hold in my arms, but now my baby boy is a handsome and charming young man who when I am sad or just because ...he holds me in his arms. I love you Ant! Class of 2012!
It seems like just yesterday that I was pregnant with my baby boy. All at once he grew up before my eyes. I remember when I couldn't wait for him to start talking so we could communicate. Then he started talking and wouldn't be quiet. I remember when my daughter was born and he used to pull the blanket around with her on it.
Where did the time go? I remember him sleeping in our bed with us when he was so little. I remember him standing at the front door of his daycare screaming when I had to leave him to go to work. I remember those younger years. I remember buying him clothes from wherever they had cute clothes and shoes from Payless, boy I sometimes miss those inexpensive days.
Then came the school years. I have this picture of Ant holding his lunchpail in front of his Kindergarten class and smiling where you could see all his teeth, it's an adorable picture. Then began the years of overprotective mother who volunteered in the class just to be close to her baby. I went through so much in school with him I felt like I was there attending school right there with him.
I remember watching his middle school graduation and being so proud, I can only imagine how proud I will be in June. It seems like I just graduated not too long ago, wow, its hard to believe that was 21 years ago.
So as I get ready to take him to take his Senior pictures soon I sit in awe that I have this wonderful and sometimes annoying son who has brought nothing but joy to my life. We have our ups and downs but I am so grateful every day that God blessed us with this wonderful boy who with hard work and motivation I know will graduate.
I miss that little baby boy I used to hold in my arms, but now my baby boy is a handsome and charming young man who when I am sad or just because ...he holds me in his arms. I love you Ant! Class of 2012!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Manny and Banana Pudding...
So this weekend I was craving my Dad's famous banana pudding that he so lovingly poured his heart into whenever he made it. I used to watch him stir it while it cooked on the stove careful to not let the heat get too high so it wouldn't burn. Then he would place each banana slice carefully on a nilla wafer and layer it with his pudding. It was heaven and it was only logical that he would eventually teach me how to make it too. Tonight after church I decided I would make it. It wasn't until I was carefully stirring it just like my dad used to when it hit me...today is August 7th.
It was like my dad was telling me "Hey pumpkin seed, make banana pudding and think of me." Today 6 years ago was the last time that I ever would talk to my Daddy ever again. I remember that day so vividly. The kids and I got dropped off at his new little apartment to spend the day with him. We stocked up his cupboards with groceries. I made him chorizo and eggs, we went for a walk, Adri danced for him. He told us all how much he loved us. We laughed, we talked and most of all me and my kids loved my dad and he loved us. When we left that day I kissed him the top of his head and rushed out after I told him I would call him later. He knew I was taking the bus and called me a little while later to check on us. He told me thank you for spending the day with him and we said I love you to each other.
The next day I would learn that my Daddy went home to be with God whom he spent any of his free time learning about. It gives me peace knowing that he is in Heaven watching over us all. My dad had a bad heart and pretty much a bad body that just couldn't take the pain anymore. It was his time to go.
I thought that I would never smile or laugh again, it hurt me so much to lose the first man in my life. He was not only my dad but also one of my best friends. He reasoned with me and loved me. He taught me and protected me. He was my perfect dad. Of course growing up I didn't always think that. There were times that we did not agree and that I would be mad at him, but through it all we always understood and respected each other and I was a Daddy's girl.
He always wanted what was best for me but was flexible in putting my happiness first. He went without sometimes so we didn't have to. He made me laugh and he made me cry but most importantly he was instrumental in making me what I am today.
I know that he lives in my heart. When I was younger I used to tell him I didn't want him to die and he told me that he would always be alive in my heart and that no matter what I could always talk to him and he would be right there.
So tonight as I stirred my pudding that my dad somehow wanted me to make tonight I cried. It hit me all at once and I cried. As the tears rolled down my face, my boy, his grandson asked me what was wrong and I told him I missed my dad and it was the day before he died. He put his arm around me and told me it was ok. My dad loved my kids but he and my boy were very close. I knew at that moment in the kitchen tonight my dad was there with us and that pudding.
I went outside and cried a little more and talked to my dad and to God and I thanked God for giving me the 33 years I had with my dad. Everyday I miss him but time has let me laugh and smile again like I never thought I would. I told my dad if he was there with me at that moment to give me a sign and immediately it was as if I could feel his face trying to tickle the back of my neck like he used to do. He made me laugh again and I cried.
Dad would have been 70 next year and though I wish I had more time with him I know his life was good. I know he had a personal and spiritual relationship with Jesus and I know he's in Heaven, and always in my heart just like he promised.
I miss you Manny every day and I know one day I will see you again. My love for you will never die even though you had to. This banana pudding is for you-always in my heart Daddy.
It was like my dad was telling me "Hey pumpkin seed, make banana pudding and think of me." Today 6 years ago was the last time that I ever would talk to my Daddy ever again. I remember that day so vividly. The kids and I got dropped off at his new little apartment to spend the day with him. We stocked up his cupboards with groceries. I made him chorizo and eggs, we went for a walk, Adri danced for him. He told us all how much he loved us. We laughed, we talked and most of all me and my kids loved my dad and he loved us. When we left that day I kissed him the top of his head and rushed out after I told him I would call him later. He knew I was taking the bus and called me a little while later to check on us. He told me thank you for spending the day with him and we said I love you to each other.
The next day I would learn that my Daddy went home to be with God whom he spent any of his free time learning about. It gives me peace knowing that he is in Heaven watching over us all. My dad had a bad heart and pretty much a bad body that just couldn't take the pain anymore. It was his time to go.
I thought that I would never smile or laugh again, it hurt me so much to lose the first man in my life. He was not only my dad but also one of my best friends. He reasoned with me and loved me. He taught me and protected me. He was my perfect dad. Of course growing up I didn't always think that. There were times that we did not agree and that I would be mad at him, but through it all we always understood and respected each other and I was a Daddy's girl.
He always wanted what was best for me but was flexible in putting my happiness first. He went without sometimes so we didn't have to. He made me laugh and he made me cry but most importantly he was instrumental in making me what I am today.
I know that he lives in my heart. When I was younger I used to tell him I didn't want him to die and he told me that he would always be alive in my heart and that no matter what I could always talk to him and he would be right there.
So tonight as I stirred my pudding that my dad somehow wanted me to make tonight I cried. It hit me all at once and I cried. As the tears rolled down my face, my boy, his grandson asked me what was wrong and I told him I missed my dad and it was the day before he died. He put his arm around me and told me it was ok. My dad loved my kids but he and my boy were very close. I knew at that moment in the kitchen tonight my dad was there with us and that pudding.
I went outside and cried a little more and talked to my dad and to God and I thanked God for giving me the 33 years I had with my dad. Everyday I miss him but time has let me laugh and smile again like I never thought I would. I told my dad if he was there with me at that moment to give me a sign and immediately it was as if I could feel his face trying to tickle the back of my neck like he used to do. He made me laugh again and I cried.
Dad would have been 70 next year and though I wish I had more time with him I know his life was good. I know he had a personal and spiritual relationship with Jesus and I know he's in Heaven, and always in my heart just like he promised.
I miss you Manny every day and I know one day I will see you again. My love for you will never die even though you had to. This banana pudding is for you-always in my heart Daddy.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Old Cute Women
Quite often I am sitting in my car or usually at my desk and I wonder "what is that on my leg"?...then I realize, Oh yeah it's my stomach. I look in the mirror after talking myself into something sleeveless and I wonder when my theme song for my arms became "gettin jiggy with it". I put on a pair of tights with a cute dress and start to walk and get mortified that the swishing I am hearing is my thighs rubbing together. I also have a big behind, but hey, if Kim Kardashian can pull it off I think I can too.
Getting older and being a woman is hard work. When a man gets old he lifts some weights, buys some just for men hair dye and calls it a day. It isn't fair. We women have to work for our beauty because let's face it some of us just aren't natural beauties.
I thought I could grow up tweezing my own eye brows, but I have found that no matter how hard I try one eye comes out looking lik I'm a freak. I have to go to the eyebrow threading lady in the mall and get the Jlo eyebrows. Just when I think my face is back to cuteness she asks if I would like to get my upper lip done...does it ever end?
It's summertime and just when I think that I can flaunt my cutest nail polish on my toes my feet suddenly have turned into feet belonging to someone named gertrude. I have hardened skin on the bottom of my foot that I practically have to take a chainsaw to just to be presentable. If I get up in the morning and think, wow, I look pretty today, it all changes when I get to work. As I stand there in front of the chrome elevator I realize...UGH, I am fat, my shirt is awful, my hair is crappy and my makeup is hideous. I never thought I looked awful when I was younger, I was pretty cute and even thinner.
Darn my darn thyroid that is underactive. I have to take a pill everyday to regulate this and I usually forget that. Well, it isn't that I forget but something nice happens when I don't take it. I don't get my monthly red friend...and honestly ladies...cmon...who wants that every month. So I don't get my friend but I stay round. I have been promising myself that I will be better and take it and that usually lasts for like a week.
I used to be able to stay up for two days in a row, but now it seems as if when I get home I am exhausted. I don't even remember to take off my makeup and in the morning I look like a football player with that black stuff under my eyes and my pores are looking awful. Most of the time in the mornings I have to take off my makeup just to shlop more on, and even that's a task. I sometimes feel like I am fixing up a dented car when I am working on my face filling in wrinkles...where's the bondo?
Getting older means comfort as well. You don't wanna buy a sexy bra because you are middle aged and don't want your cleavage to hit your chin, unless you're out clubbin. So you decide on an old lady bra! Flip flops become your shoe of choice and the long hair you once loved when you were younger is such a hassle.
You try so hard to pull off limeaid or sunny yellow or gothic black nail polish and only get weird looks because those colors are for young girls. Here's my question...when did I become not a young girl anymore. I will be 39 in a few months and I still feel young, but my mirror tells me differently.
I remember us making fun of my mother and calling her Polly because all she wore was polyester. It becomes reality that times are a changing when you look at the tag in your pants and realize that 95% of them are made of Polyester...why?
So here as I sit waaaaay past my bedtome I am fighting just to finish this blog. Oh where did youth go? Remember the song forever young? Forever young, I want to be forever young. I iwll admit that while there are some days I want to be forever young, I am about to reach one of the highest points of my life. 38 wasn't so bad and 39 will be just fine...but dang it takes effort to look as cute as me.
Getting older and being a woman is hard work. When a man gets old he lifts some weights, buys some just for men hair dye and calls it a day. It isn't fair. We women have to work for our beauty because let's face it some of us just aren't natural beauties.
I thought I could grow up tweezing my own eye brows, but I have found that no matter how hard I try one eye comes out looking lik I'm a freak. I have to go to the eyebrow threading lady in the mall and get the Jlo eyebrows. Just when I think my face is back to cuteness she asks if I would like to get my upper lip done...does it ever end?
It's summertime and just when I think that I can flaunt my cutest nail polish on my toes my feet suddenly have turned into feet belonging to someone named gertrude. I have hardened skin on the bottom of my foot that I practically have to take a chainsaw to just to be presentable. If I get up in the morning and think, wow, I look pretty today, it all changes when I get to work. As I stand there in front of the chrome elevator I realize...UGH, I am fat, my shirt is awful, my hair is crappy and my makeup is hideous. I never thought I looked awful when I was younger, I was pretty cute and even thinner.
Darn my darn thyroid that is underactive. I have to take a pill everyday to regulate this and I usually forget that. Well, it isn't that I forget but something nice happens when I don't take it. I don't get my monthly red friend...and honestly ladies...cmon...who wants that every month. So I don't get my friend but I stay round. I have been promising myself that I will be better and take it and that usually lasts for like a week.
I used to be able to stay up for two days in a row, but now it seems as if when I get home I am exhausted. I don't even remember to take off my makeup and in the morning I look like a football player with that black stuff under my eyes and my pores are looking awful. Most of the time in the mornings I have to take off my makeup just to shlop more on, and even that's a task. I sometimes feel like I am fixing up a dented car when I am working on my face filling in wrinkles...where's the bondo?
Getting older means comfort as well. You don't wanna buy a sexy bra because you are middle aged and don't want your cleavage to hit your chin, unless you're out clubbin. So you decide on an old lady bra! Flip flops become your shoe of choice and the long hair you once loved when you were younger is such a hassle.
You try so hard to pull off limeaid or sunny yellow or gothic black nail polish and only get weird looks because those colors are for young girls. Here's my question...when did I become not a young girl anymore. I will be 39 in a few months and I still feel young, but my mirror tells me differently.
I remember us making fun of my mother and calling her Polly because all she wore was polyester. It becomes reality that times are a changing when you look at the tag in your pants and realize that 95% of them are made of Polyester...why?
So here as I sit waaaaay past my bedtome I am fighting just to finish this blog. Oh where did youth go? Remember the song forever young? Forever young, I want to be forever young. I iwll admit that while there are some days I want to be forever young, I am about to reach one of the highest points of my life. 38 wasn't so bad and 39 will be just fine...but dang it takes effort to look as cute as me.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
As Ice Cube Said...Today Was A Good Day
Something happened between me walking out of my Discipleship class last night and this morning that somehow transformed me into being joyful and happy. The more time I spend at my wonderful church, the more I love it. During last night's lesson I learned a lot about me and how I don't have to let people and things around me feel like I am trapped and I also learned I am not alone in my journey to becoming a better person. I have the power to change things and when I get lost I have a manual to follow called the bible.
I woke up in such a happy mood and I wanted to share it with others! I turned on the TV early in the morning and me and Adri hung out till I had to get ready for work. I picked up some donuts for my co-workers and was humming a happy tune when I saw Candy in the elevator and she told me another person in my department also brought donuts, yipee...carbs all day for everybody! We figured it out and for all the donuts to disappear we all had to eat 3.42 donuts...let's just say most of us got to the three mark, but not to worry, at least it was over the timespan of 9 hours!
At lunch we met with a wonderful friend who we used to work with whom I will call Boots. Boots looked fabulous and happy. It's amazing how being away from a place will give you a certain glow like the one my friend had. I was envious of the positive energy she exudes and how happy she makes us whenever we see her. We miss her but plan to something about a train with her soon for an adventure I may share in a later blog :) Three of us had the endless lunch which included a salad, drink, soup and breadsticks. This time it was better service than the last since I kept joking that the endless lunch ended because they wouldn't keep bringing the breadsticks. Today there were plenty to go around. Good conversation and good friends-it was nice.
Once I got home I thought I turned into Rachel Ray when I made pizza out of english muffins and some other stuff, and they were quite yummy. I imagine before we settle in for the night Me and Adri will have a popsicle which we have been addicted to since we got a better fridge that freezes great. So far we have sampled the flavors of strawberry banana, plain banana, cherry, cantaloupe, honeydew and watermelon. I can also happily report that there was no real sign of the devil waiting to take over someone's body and start a fight tonight. What a wonderful feeling to be at peace even if only for a day. I am expecting that my future will only get better as I become stronger and become that confident person I know is in me. I have been in love with a new Jennifer Lopez song called Until It Beats No More. Some of the words are these...
"I'm alive, I can breathe, I can feel, I believe and there aint no doubt about it, there aint no doubt about it I'm in love and it's all because of you, I was fading but you pulled me through.
While I can't be sure who she wrote this song for I listen to it and think of God and how changes have taken place in my life to get me to God's perfect plan for my life and how he's pulled me through. I am exactly where I need to be and I know it will only get better....oh yeah and the donuts also help!
I woke up in such a happy mood and I wanted to share it with others! I turned on the TV early in the morning and me and Adri hung out till I had to get ready for work. I picked up some donuts for my co-workers and was humming a happy tune when I saw Candy in the elevator and she told me another person in my department also brought donuts, yipee...carbs all day for everybody! We figured it out and for all the donuts to disappear we all had to eat 3.42 donuts...let's just say most of us got to the three mark, but not to worry, at least it was over the timespan of 9 hours!
At lunch we met with a wonderful friend who we used to work with whom I will call Boots. Boots looked fabulous and happy. It's amazing how being away from a place will give you a certain glow like the one my friend had. I was envious of the positive energy she exudes and how happy she makes us whenever we see her. We miss her but plan to something about a train with her soon for an adventure I may share in a later blog :) Three of us had the endless lunch which included a salad, drink, soup and breadsticks. This time it was better service than the last since I kept joking that the endless lunch ended because they wouldn't keep bringing the breadsticks. Today there were plenty to go around. Good conversation and good friends-it was nice.
Once I got home I thought I turned into Rachel Ray when I made pizza out of english muffins and some other stuff, and they were quite yummy. I imagine before we settle in for the night Me and Adri will have a popsicle which we have been addicted to since we got a better fridge that freezes great. So far we have sampled the flavors of strawberry banana, plain banana, cherry, cantaloupe, honeydew and watermelon. I can also happily report that there was no real sign of the devil waiting to take over someone's body and start a fight tonight. What a wonderful feeling to be at peace even if only for a day. I am expecting that my future will only get better as I become stronger and become that confident person I know is in me. I have been in love with a new Jennifer Lopez song called Until It Beats No More. Some of the words are these...
"I'm alive, I can breathe, I can feel, I believe and there aint no doubt about it, there aint no doubt about it I'm in love and it's all because of you, I was fading but you pulled me through.
While I can't be sure who she wrote this song for I listen to it and think of God and how changes have taken place in my life to get me to God's perfect plan for my life and how he's pulled me through. I am exactly where I need to be and I know it will only get better....oh yeah and the donuts also help!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Me Phony? That's Bologna!
I have been going to church for just a few weeks short of a year. In this year I have learned a lot about myself that I thought I knew all along but was doubtful.
When people tell you things about yourself and you don't have a spiritual relationship with God, it's easy to let those things saturate your mind and spirit and you eventually start believing those things. Today I attended a beautiful seminar at church given by Sheri Rose Shepherd. Before today I didn't know much about her and I even went on her website and wanted to know more. As it turns out, it was touching, heartfelt and so personal to me it was as if she wrote her lesson to speak to me.
At the end of her lesson she gave us all a blank piece of paper and told us to write whatever it is on the paper that is holding us back from our freedom and who God intended us to be. After we did this she made us crumple up the paper and throw it away. She said sometimes God places mountains in our paths because he knows we are strong and will find ways to get around them...so true. She also said that sometimes we question God of why our dreams were not given to us and never realizing that perhaps it is because he has better plans for our lives far beyond what we ever dreamed for ourselves.
There are days when I too question WHY. I guess I never realized that maybe despite all the mountains in my path God knew that I would find ways to get around them. Lately I feel stronger and feel more passionate than ever to cut these invisible chains that are holding me. It used to bother me when I would come home from church and get told that I am phony because a disagreement turned into an argument that wasn't very christianlike.
The truth is I don't have the energy anymore to argue and be unhappy. I am on the verge of turning 39 in just a few months and I want people to see me and know that I happy all the time. I remember the old poem that we heard in grade school...
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me". They used to, I won't lie. Lately though, I have just decided I will give it all to God. I know I am not phony for God and its hard to take those words seriously from someone who only mocks all that I do at church.
I threw that paper away today and I am finding my way around those mountains because I am a strong person in my beliefs and to my relationship with God...and that's not phony.
When people tell you things about yourself and you don't have a spiritual relationship with God, it's easy to let those things saturate your mind and spirit and you eventually start believing those things. Today I attended a beautiful seminar at church given by Sheri Rose Shepherd. Before today I didn't know much about her and I even went on her website and wanted to know more. As it turns out, it was touching, heartfelt and so personal to me it was as if she wrote her lesson to speak to me.
At the end of her lesson she gave us all a blank piece of paper and told us to write whatever it is on the paper that is holding us back from our freedom and who God intended us to be. After we did this she made us crumple up the paper and throw it away. She said sometimes God places mountains in our paths because he knows we are strong and will find ways to get around them...so true. She also said that sometimes we question God of why our dreams were not given to us and never realizing that perhaps it is because he has better plans for our lives far beyond what we ever dreamed for ourselves.
There are days when I too question WHY. I guess I never realized that maybe despite all the mountains in my path God knew that I would find ways to get around them. Lately I feel stronger and feel more passionate than ever to cut these invisible chains that are holding me. It used to bother me when I would come home from church and get told that I am phony because a disagreement turned into an argument that wasn't very christianlike.
The truth is I don't have the energy anymore to argue and be unhappy. I am on the verge of turning 39 in just a few months and I want people to see me and know that I happy all the time. I remember the old poem that we heard in grade school...
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me". They used to, I won't lie. Lately though, I have just decided I will give it all to God. I know I am not phony for God and its hard to take those words seriously from someone who only mocks all that I do at church.
I threw that paper away today and I am finding my way around those mountains because I am a strong person in my beliefs and to my relationship with God...and that's not phony.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sweep up the Eggshells
Lately it seems that my whole house has invisible eggshells laying all over the place. It used to be that people thought I was an ok person and never minded the way I sometimes become animated when I talk. It was never a problem before if I used my hands as I always do to describe something or get my point across...but not anymore.
I have a desire to just come into my own private little suite when I get home from work and not say anything to anybody because the slightest little thing turns into World War 2011 at my house. It never really works out for me though because if a kid and him are not seeing eye to eye I am pulled into their argument and then I get accused of needing to discipline more. I can never just be.
There are days when I want to give a heads up of something I am doing during the week or weekend and then I get accused of flaunting it that I can just do whatever, which is never the case. Then I say, "I just won't say anything" and then I hear I am being too dramatic and taking things to the extreme...phew...will I ever not be to blame.
On my continued walk along this path God is trying to show me I do try to be a better person wherever I go. People like me at work and at church but here at home is such a different story. If I take charge of a situation at home to be the referee of an argument I usually get told that either I am something that rhymes with witch and starts with a B or I get told that I haven't learned anything at church. This coming from someone who doesn't even go, or I should say rarely goes. It doesn't matter though because whenever I hear that, the guilt creeps in and I tell myself he's right.
I have been praying so much for God to show me the way and I have been stuck in this place that makes me more unhappy day by day. I finally just decided to get it over with and all that paperwork that I have been carrying with me in my bag is about to set me free. I know I am a good person and my kids know it too. I decided that I am not going to let him steal my joy anymore. Yes I am happy at church, at work and away from home because I know I am in the presence of people who love me no matter what.
I don't need to feel guilty for not liking serious TV shows or movies or for going on two hour long walks with the kids or for whatever I am accused of. I am me and I am a pretty good person. I am not perfect and I have bad days like everyone else but I know that no matter what God will love me, my kids and family will love me and so will my many friends.
So sweep up the eggshells, I can't walk on them anymore.
I have a desire to just come into my own private little suite when I get home from work and not say anything to anybody because the slightest little thing turns into World War 2011 at my house. It never really works out for me though because if a kid and him are not seeing eye to eye I am pulled into their argument and then I get accused of needing to discipline more. I can never just be.
There are days when I want to give a heads up of something I am doing during the week or weekend and then I get accused of flaunting it that I can just do whatever, which is never the case. Then I say, "I just won't say anything" and then I hear I am being too dramatic and taking things to the extreme...phew...will I ever not be to blame.
On my continued walk along this path God is trying to show me I do try to be a better person wherever I go. People like me at work and at church but here at home is such a different story. If I take charge of a situation at home to be the referee of an argument I usually get told that either I am something that rhymes with witch and starts with a B or I get told that I haven't learned anything at church. This coming from someone who doesn't even go, or I should say rarely goes. It doesn't matter though because whenever I hear that, the guilt creeps in and I tell myself he's right.
I have been praying so much for God to show me the way and I have been stuck in this place that makes me more unhappy day by day. I finally just decided to get it over with and all that paperwork that I have been carrying with me in my bag is about to set me free. I know I am a good person and my kids know it too. I decided that I am not going to let him steal my joy anymore. Yes I am happy at church, at work and away from home because I know I am in the presence of people who love me no matter what.
I don't need to feel guilty for not liking serious TV shows or movies or for going on two hour long walks with the kids or for whatever I am accused of. I am me and I am a pretty good person. I am not perfect and I have bad days like everyone else but I know that no matter what God will love me, my kids and family will love me and so will my many friends.
So sweep up the eggshells, I can't walk on them anymore.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Another Dimension
As I sit here in my suite this evening I am reclined in my recliner chair and staring up onto the ceiling I am somewhat mesmerized by a big brown almost circle that I painted on the ceiling. I was supposed to have already completed this project, but still I have not. My intention was to make a big circle and then write words in the circle like patience, hope, etc,
Unfortunately it still sits plain and now that I am looking at it, its not really a circle either. When my son first saw it he said it looked like the secret door to go into another dimension. I wish it was. But what would be on the other side of the door?
I have thought about this a lot as I am always planning ways to get out of here. If another door could lead me into anotheer dimension, Im all for it.
I imagine that it would be somewhere I can escape into a sort of secret paradise with waterfalls and lush greenery and fruity drinks. That would be nice. Maybe it's a door to the past--who would I visit, what would I be doing,
Perhaps its another dimension that simply leads me to another room in the house...which would be no fun.
Perhaps on the other side is what I have been waiting for and praying for, my freedom and happiness. I would imagine that dimension would have nobody arguing, people would care and respect each other. There would be no analyzing my every move, nobody pretending to know my every thought.
It's here all the time in my suite, this circle on the ceiling to another dimension. To me it's like a metaphor. Its there for me whenever I want to and escape everything Im going through. There's a question I have to ask myself...when will I expereince going to another dimension, a new dimension my life. Perhaps I am scared, of what I don't know, perhaps just the unknown
There will be a lot of dimension in my life in the next few months. As my Pastor once said...When one door closes another one opens but it's hell in the hallway...hmm, no wonder it's been so hot, I must be in the hallway.
Unfortunately it still sits plain and now that I am looking at it, its not really a circle either. When my son first saw it he said it looked like the secret door to go into another dimension. I wish it was. But what would be on the other side of the door?
I have thought about this a lot as I am always planning ways to get out of here. If another door could lead me into anotheer dimension, Im all for it.
I imagine that it would be somewhere I can escape into a sort of secret paradise with waterfalls and lush greenery and fruity drinks. That would be nice. Maybe it's a door to the past--who would I visit, what would I be doing,
Perhaps its another dimension that simply leads me to another room in the house...which would be no fun.
Perhaps on the other side is what I have been waiting for and praying for, my freedom and happiness. I would imagine that dimension would have nobody arguing, people would care and respect each other. There would be no analyzing my every move, nobody pretending to know my every thought.
It's here all the time in my suite, this circle on the ceiling to another dimension. To me it's like a metaphor. Its there for me whenever I want to and escape everything Im going through. There's a question I have to ask myself...when will I expereince going to another dimension, a new dimension my life. Perhaps I am scared, of what I don't know, perhaps just the unknown
There will be a lot of dimension in my life in the next few months. As my Pastor once said...When one door closes another one opens but it's hell in the hallway...hmm, no wonder it's been so hot, I must be in the hallway.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Cell Hell
So as I sit here in my wonderful suite thinking of what to be inspired about for this evening's blog, my thoughts are drowned out by a teenage maniac screaming from across the house how her phone is stupid and how she needs another one. I would also like to add that usually when she is complaining about her phone she is whacking it on the floor as she thinks this will make it work better.
Coincidentally, she needs another phone just in time for her birthday which is this Sunday. She will be 15 years old. I will admit that her phone is messed up and holds about a half hour charge, which is why she carries her charger with her like it's a security blanket. We all have tried to tell her that she carries it too much and that she charges it too much, but of course parents do not know anything. To try and avoid having to get her another phone I called T-mobile to try and get a new battery. I was later told that even though the phone is only about a year old, they don't sell those batteries anymore...to which I ranted that this must be how T-mobile made their money.
So last weekend we went into T-mobile to check out the phones and I made it quite clear to her that we were simply "window shopping". Immediately she walks over to the most expensive high tech phone there was. It was one that had all these great apps for internet to which she does not have access to on her phone. I told her that phone was better than mine and there was no chance of her getting that. So we looked at lower quality phones that would do the job for her and the lowest we got because she is not yet eligible for an upgrade is $90. That would be what I would have to pay to get the phone and have payments afterwards.
Something our kids do not understand is that we get them a phone mostly so we can keep in touch with them, not for their friends to HMU or as I found out this week means Hit Me Up. I get asked by my daughter if we had phones when I was her age. Hellooo how old do my kids think I am? I tell them that yes we had a house phone and we didn't have texting and if there was an emergency at school we went to the office and called our parents. Our kids would not have survived the way we did.
Ok, so back to my daughters phone... I told her that she can get through summer school with nothing less than a C and behave and she will get a phone. Let's just say her attitude lately has not even earned her a jitterbug phone much less an Optimus. She also decided to tell me today that today she turned in all her assignments that raised her grade from an F to a C+. Can I just add at this point that school barely started on Monday and already she is telling me this? Oh I need some chocolate! If we can count on anything it's that our kids will make us crazy at least once per day.
This week I have heard various things that I guess I should know I am buying her or doing for her for her birthday. I am supposedly taking her to the beach since we have not been there in three years (this is an exaggeration). I am supposedly getting her the phone even if she doesn't behave (yeah right). I have been told she has no clothes and needs to go clothes shopping (even though her whole closet is squeezed under her bed which is her attempt to clean her room). I have been told that I am getting her a Taco Bell gift card (because that would be bomb).
Honestly I don't know what I am getting her on Sunday. I know I will be sticking to my word and holding out on the phone. I know that her birthday falls on a Sunday and we will be celebrating her birthday during Sunday school. I haven't really thought about it but I guess I should. Either way, we have kids these days who don't appreciate any attempts we make to make them happy even though we try to give them better than what we had ourselves.
Perhaps a day at the beach on Sunday will be just right for her birthday. She will have a good time as they all play in the water and I can sit there lost in my thoughts, soaking up sun and using the sand as a skin exfoliator. Everyone will be happy, at least for a little while until we get in the car to come back home and her phone has lost its charge...ugh why do we even bother trying to make them happy?
The truth is she is my baby. She may have a mouth like Tony Soprano a lot of times but I am told over and over that she is my twin. We are alike in so many ways and even when are on each other's nerves we usually get over it and carry on as mother and daughter. She makes me laugh, cry, yell, smile. I can't believe that almost fifteen years ago this person was growing inside of me relying on me as she still does to take care of her. I may be annoyed with her 22 hours out of each day , but I will be eternally grateful for the daughter that I was given as a gift from above. Love you Adri.
Coincidentally, she needs another phone just in time for her birthday which is this Sunday. She will be 15 years old. I will admit that her phone is messed up and holds about a half hour charge, which is why she carries her charger with her like it's a security blanket. We all have tried to tell her that she carries it too much and that she charges it too much, but of course parents do not know anything. To try and avoid having to get her another phone I called T-mobile to try and get a new battery. I was later told that even though the phone is only about a year old, they don't sell those batteries anymore...to which I ranted that this must be how T-mobile made their money.
So last weekend we went into T-mobile to check out the phones and I made it quite clear to her that we were simply "window shopping". Immediately she walks over to the most expensive high tech phone there was. It was one that had all these great apps for internet to which she does not have access to on her phone. I told her that phone was better than mine and there was no chance of her getting that. So we looked at lower quality phones that would do the job for her and the lowest we got because she is not yet eligible for an upgrade is $90. That would be what I would have to pay to get the phone and have payments afterwards.
Something our kids do not understand is that we get them a phone mostly so we can keep in touch with them, not for their friends to HMU or as I found out this week means Hit Me Up. I get asked by my daughter if we had phones when I was her age. Hellooo how old do my kids think I am? I tell them that yes we had a house phone and we didn't have texting and if there was an emergency at school we went to the office and called our parents. Our kids would not have survived the way we did.
Ok, so back to my daughters phone... I told her that she can get through summer school with nothing less than a C and behave and she will get a phone. Let's just say her attitude lately has not even earned her a jitterbug phone much less an Optimus. She also decided to tell me today that today she turned in all her assignments that raised her grade from an F to a C+. Can I just add at this point that school barely started on Monday and already she is telling me this? Oh I need some chocolate! If we can count on anything it's that our kids will make us crazy at least once per day.
This week I have heard various things that I guess I should know I am buying her or doing for her for her birthday. I am supposedly taking her to the beach since we have not been there in three years (this is an exaggeration). I am supposedly getting her the phone even if she doesn't behave (yeah right). I have been told she has no clothes and needs to go clothes shopping (even though her whole closet is squeezed under her bed which is her attempt to clean her room). I have been told that I am getting her a Taco Bell gift card (because that would be bomb).
Honestly I don't know what I am getting her on Sunday. I know I will be sticking to my word and holding out on the phone. I know that her birthday falls on a Sunday and we will be celebrating her birthday during Sunday school. I haven't really thought about it but I guess I should. Either way, we have kids these days who don't appreciate any attempts we make to make them happy even though we try to give them better than what we had ourselves.
Perhaps a day at the beach on Sunday will be just right for her birthday. She will have a good time as they all play in the water and I can sit there lost in my thoughts, soaking up sun and using the sand as a skin exfoliator. Everyone will be happy, at least for a little while until we get in the car to come back home and her phone has lost its charge...ugh why do we even bother trying to make them happy?
The truth is she is my baby. She may have a mouth like Tony Soprano a lot of times but I am told over and over that she is my twin. We are alike in so many ways and even when are on each other's nerves we usually get over it and carry on as mother and daughter. She makes me laugh, cry, yell, smile. I can't believe that almost fifteen years ago this person was growing inside of me relying on me as she still does to take care of her. I may be annoyed with her 22 hours out of each day , but I will be eternally grateful for the daughter that I was given as a gift from above. Love you Adri.
Hotter Than A Beyonce Video...
So when the air conditioning breaks down at work they have these huge fans that they strategically place to make the employees think it's not that hot, when it really is. If you are a fan of Beyonce, you have probably seen her Crazy In Love video...you know the one where in the end she is in a cute hot pink mini dress dancing in front of huge fans and her hair and dress are blowing in the wind. Well...whenever I see the fans I always do a double take to make sure nobody is around and then I stomp towards the fan like I am walking down a runway just as cute as Beyonce ready to do my own rendition of that video...but today I wasn't in the mood...it's too hot!
I slept in later and then had to rush to get to work on time. I had to fight with the girl because she didn't want to get out of bed to go to summer school so for 45 minutes I had to hear how stupid summer school was...hmmm, if only you got good grades, you wouldn't be there right?
Once I got to work I tried to put on my happy face again. Then I saw a co-worker whose name I will change for blogs sake...hmmm...what can I call her? Oh I know, I will call her candy, since we can always depend on her having candy on her desk for cheapskates like me who don't like buying it but love inhaling it. So anyways I see Candy in the hall and say "Hi.." and her response..."I wish I was". It made me realize, I wasn't the only one whose day started off hot and crazy! I can always rely on Candy to make me laugh, and sometimes she depends on me for laughs too. Don't even get me started about her annoying pink flamingo that she laughed and tortured me with.for days:)
Ok so now would be a good time to name some things that make me crazy...
-People who stuff cotton in their ears and then put headphones on with the volume turned up full blast because they cant hear it well because of the COTTON!
-Lawyers who say..."That's too bad" and they are referring to you.
-People who try and convince me that I love Harry Potter....here's a clue, I don't.
-People who say Wotonsday for Wednesday
Ok, sorry I had to vent about some things that annoyed me today. I think that I can safely say that this heat has gotten to everybody. Here in Southern California we are never happy. When it rains less than an inch we are taking out our umbrellas and declaring flood watch. When it's hot we are proclaiming we must be distant relatives of the Wicked Witch on Wizard of Oz because we're melting! Even my refrigerator hates the heat and decided what better time to break down than in summer when we would actually like cold things to drink. The fridge side stopped working so now the freezer is acting as our main refrigerator. I am sure that in a few days even that will break down since we have stuffed it to capacity and it is working overtime.
Today I found this great appliance shop that would pick up old appliances and they had great new ones or I should say new used ones. They even took credit cards to which we were going to use. After work we ventured there to find one that would work that we liked and were ready to go...until the guy said..."Oh, we're not doing credit cards right now and we don't know when we will"... Wonderful...you think they could have told me this when I first visited the shop and they handed me a business cards saying WE ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS...so no refrigerator today.
Went home, rested for a few minutes and then I was off to church, but not before being told the way I said goodbye was making fun of this "Situation". Dang, all I said was bye. Out of the whole day I have to say that church was the best part of the day. I sat next to someone who wrote some inspiring words in my spritual journal and we had a half hour of individual prayer. I was inspired and feeling refreshed...until I turned my phone back on and was bombarded with questions like..."Is church done"..."Where are you at"...Didn't you get my messages". At this point I was in Stater Bros looking for a bottle of Calgon which claims it can TAKE ME AWAY. Let me just say, if that were true at all, I would have owned the company by now. Can't I go to church and take a half hour after that to have a little bit of time?
Sanity in the house lasted about a half hour before it was the usual ALL KINDS OF CRAZY which ended with two people thinking the other was wrong, a daughter yelling across the house to be quiet since she had summer school in the morning (hey, didn't she say she hated school?) and me in my suite alone feeling stupid for feeling sorry before now and wishing I had central air or at leasta Beyonce fan.
I slept in later and then had to rush to get to work on time. I had to fight with the girl because she didn't want to get out of bed to go to summer school so for 45 minutes I had to hear how stupid summer school was...hmmm, if only you got good grades, you wouldn't be there right?
Once I got to work I tried to put on my happy face again. Then I saw a co-worker whose name I will change for blogs sake...hmmm...what can I call her? Oh I know, I will call her candy, since we can always depend on her having candy on her desk for cheapskates like me who don't like buying it but love inhaling it. So anyways I see Candy in the hall and say "Hi.." and her response..."I wish I was". It made me realize, I wasn't the only one whose day started off hot and crazy! I can always rely on Candy to make me laugh, and sometimes she depends on me for laughs too. Don't even get me started about her annoying pink flamingo that she laughed and tortured me with.for days:)
Ok so now would be a good time to name some things that make me crazy...
-People who stuff cotton in their ears and then put headphones on with the volume turned up full blast because they cant hear it well because of the COTTON!
-Lawyers who say..."That's too bad" and they are referring to you.
-People who try and convince me that I love Harry Potter....here's a clue, I don't.
-People who say Wotonsday for Wednesday
Ok, sorry I had to vent about some things that annoyed me today. I think that I can safely say that this heat has gotten to everybody. Here in Southern California we are never happy. When it rains less than an inch we are taking out our umbrellas and declaring flood watch. When it's hot we are proclaiming we must be distant relatives of the Wicked Witch on Wizard of Oz because we're melting! Even my refrigerator hates the heat and decided what better time to break down than in summer when we would actually like cold things to drink. The fridge side stopped working so now the freezer is acting as our main refrigerator. I am sure that in a few days even that will break down since we have stuffed it to capacity and it is working overtime.
Today I found this great appliance shop that would pick up old appliances and they had great new ones or I should say new used ones. They even took credit cards to which we were going to use. After work we ventured there to find one that would work that we liked and were ready to go...until the guy said..."Oh, we're not doing credit cards right now and we don't know when we will"... Wonderful...you think they could have told me this when I first visited the shop and they handed me a business cards saying WE ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS...so no refrigerator today.
Went home, rested for a few minutes and then I was off to church, but not before being told the way I said goodbye was making fun of this "Situation". Dang, all I said was bye. Out of the whole day I have to say that church was the best part of the day. I sat next to someone who wrote some inspiring words in my spritual journal and we had a half hour of individual prayer. I was inspired and feeling refreshed...until I turned my phone back on and was bombarded with questions like..."Is church done"..."Where are you at"...Didn't you get my messages". At this point I was in Stater Bros looking for a bottle of Calgon which claims it can TAKE ME AWAY. Let me just say, if that were true at all, I would have owned the company by now. Can't I go to church and take a half hour after that to have a little bit of time?
Sanity in the house lasted about a half hour before it was the usual ALL KINDS OF CRAZY which ended with two people thinking the other was wrong, a daughter yelling across the house to be quiet since she had summer school in the morning (hey, didn't she say she hated school?) and me in my suite alone feeling stupid for feeling sorry before now and wishing I had central air or at leasta Beyonce fan.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Fab Five Plus Two
When you are in elementary school and junior high school people come into our lives that we consider our friends. They are these wonderful people who are there with us as we go through puberty. They make us laugh and they even make us cry. We go through things together like first loves, jealousy, gossip, training bras and the list goes on.
Up to about junior high we can't live wihout these people. They are our world and even being home on the weekends drives us crazy because we are not around our friends as much. Then as we move on to high school something happens. All these other kids from different middle schools who are strangers suddenly are poured into one giant melting pot and we are expected to co-habitate for six hours every day. As much as we vow to stick with our old friends, there is something magical about these new people and we somehow gravitate toward them and slowly ...voila...they become our new friends. We try and still be just as close with our old faithful friends and they try and do the same but strangely...they have new friends too and the chemistry is not always a good mix.
Slowly we become different people molding ourselves to fit our new friends and forgetting our friends of the past, maybe not completely but if we do talk it's brief and definately not the same. High school is a strange time and it's a time when we all try and find our identity while having to realize that soon we will have to choose a career path and become adults. Looking through my yearbook I see all the KITs which was short for keep in touch. Friends promising to be friends forever until graduation but somehow thinking in the back of our minds that we would slowly lose touch.
After I graduated I didn't think I would see many of my friends and while it was sad I realized that life goes on, people move on. Then came Facebook....
Suddenly all these people from my past were here in one place wanting to be my friend. I was suddenly reminded when people's birthdays were and I got continuous updates. Even people I didn't talk to much in high school suddenly remembered me and even they wanted to be my friends...and magically like I was put in a time machine to 1984, there were my friends, my old friends that were there long before I cared about pomp and circumstance.
There are friends whom you know will always be just here on Facebook and then there are old friends who no matter how much time it has been since the last time you talked you realize are friends who are part of your soul. Last night I experienced this with four friends whom I go way back with. Nancy (BFF), Eddie, Sarah and Carl.
The great thing about old friends is that they sometimes come with new friends who are their spouses. This was also true last night when Carl brought Jennifer and Nancy brought Mark.
When we drove into the parking lot of the restaurant we saw Sarah jumping up and down like she just won the lottery, but her happiness came from seeing us and we were just as excited wanting to jump right out of the car. Then we saw Carl and his wife and we all ran to each other and huddled in a bear hug bigger than the one that Carl designed in sixth grade.
What happens at the lotus stays at the lotus but I will tell you this...I have not laughed so hard in months. We made enough inside jokes to last us a lifetime and we had a blast in the process. There we were sitting around this table remembering how we were back in the day yet marveling about how awesome we still were as adults. I smile when I think about it and I can't wait for the next time we can all get together...even if we have to hunt Sarah down in a snow bank.
Someone I will just call my ex #1 friend introduced me to a song called friends. One of the verses says...
Though it's hard to let you go, in the Father's hands we know that a lifetime's not too long to live as friends". I think of those words and they are so true. I feel so blessed and so grateful to have these old and new friends in my life. I have the picture we took in a frame on my desk in a frame that says FRIENDS. We make sense but this time I will spell it CENTS because that is the first letter of our old friends names. Carl, Eddie, Nancy, Tembi and Sarah.
I know that no matter what I may go through in life or how I look, they will always remember me as I was back then and love me for who I am now still and you know what? A lifetime isn't too long to live as friends. I love you guys!
Up to about junior high we can't live wihout these people. They are our world and even being home on the weekends drives us crazy because we are not around our friends as much. Then as we move on to high school something happens. All these other kids from different middle schools who are strangers suddenly are poured into one giant melting pot and we are expected to co-habitate for six hours every day. As much as we vow to stick with our old friends, there is something magical about these new people and we somehow gravitate toward them and slowly ...voila...they become our new friends. We try and still be just as close with our old faithful friends and they try and do the same but strangely...they have new friends too and the chemistry is not always a good mix.
Slowly we become different people molding ourselves to fit our new friends and forgetting our friends of the past, maybe not completely but if we do talk it's brief and definately not the same. High school is a strange time and it's a time when we all try and find our identity while having to realize that soon we will have to choose a career path and become adults. Looking through my yearbook I see all the KITs which was short for keep in touch. Friends promising to be friends forever until graduation but somehow thinking in the back of our minds that we would slowly lose touch.
After I graduated I didn't think I would see many of my friends and while it was sad I realized that life goes on, people move on. Then came Facebook....
Suddenly all these people from my past were here in one place wanting to be my friend. I was suddenly reminded when people's birthdays were and I got continuous updates. Even people I didn't talk to much in high school suddenly remembered me and even they wanted to be my friends...and magically like I was put in a time machine to 1984, there were my friends, my old friends that were there long before I cared about pomp and circumstance.
There are friends whom you know will always be just here on Facebook and then there are old friends who no matter how much time it has been since the last time you talked you realize are friends who are part of your soul. Last night I experienced this with four friends whom I go way back with. Nancy (BFF), Eddie, Sarah and Carl.
The great thing about old friends is that they sometimes come with new friends who are their spouses. This was also true last night when Carl brought Jennifer and Nancy brought Mark.
When we drove into the parking lot of the restaurant we saw Sarah jumping up and down like she just won the lottery, but her happiness came from seeing us and we were just as excited wanting to jump right out of the car. Then we saw Carl and his wife and we all ran to each other and huddled in a bear hug bigger than the one that Carl designed in sixth grade.
What happens at the lotus stays at the lotus but I will tell you this...I have not laughed so hard in months. We made enough inside jokes to last us a lifetime and we had a blast in the process. There we were sitting around this table remembering how we were back in the day yet marveling about how awesome we still were as adults. I smile when I think about it and I can't wait for the next time we can all get together...even if we have to hunt Sarah down in a snow bank.
Someone I will just call my ex #1 friend introduced me to a song called friends. One of the verses says...
Though it's hard to let you go, in the Father's hands we know that a lifetime's not too long to live as friends". I think of those words and they are so true. I feel so blessed and so grateful to have these old and new friends in my life. I have the picture we took in a frame on my desk in a frame that says FRIENDS. We make sense but this time I will spell it CENTS because that is the first letter of our old friends names. Carl, Eddie, Nancy, Tembi and Sarah.
I know that no matter what I may go through in life or how I look, they will always remember me as I was back then and love me for who I am now still and you know what? A lifetime isn't too long to live as friends. I love you guys!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)