Ode to Mothers Everywhere...

I remember when I was growing up my mom cried a lot after one of us kids did something to make her mad.  I first witnessed it with my mom and sis in her teenage years and then one day my sister moved out and it was just me and my brother (and of course my dad) to make my mom cry.  My brother was a boy and did not always make the best decisions in life back then...this made my mom cry.  After seeing all the things they did I vowed that I wasn't going to be that awful yet still even I made my mom cry.

We were all bad in different ways and even though my things I chose to do were more subtle, they still broke my mother's heart at times.  Perhaps it wasn't always the actions but the words we used because we knew it would hurt her and we as kids want to feel like we know more than our parents.  We would never make the same mistakes our parents made and we rolled our eyes or said bad things under our breath.

Back when I was growing up I was genuinely scared of my parents and even though my dad was the main person I was scared of (perhaps it had to do with that back in the day leather belt) I was also scared of my mom, though I never showed it or at least tried not to. 

I remember when I was about 9 and my mother was having an awful week...Grandma Jean just passed and my mother was grieving for her mother.  This did not matter to me though and I continued to be a little brat.  My mom asked me to go get the belt and I refused-heck no was I going to go get that belt and hand it over so she could smack me!  So she went and got the belt.  Lucky for me my mom loves to arrange furniture and she arranged our couch so it was in the middle of the room.  She came out and chased me until she gave up...but that's not the end of the story!  I had this little white doll with blonde hair that I called Amanda and I carried her everywhere, she was my baby!  Amanda happened to be on the couch that day and since my mom could not catch me...Amanda was the next best thing!  She got that belt and whooped my baby doll Amanda so bad and her little plastic eyes kept opening and closing.  I remember screaming..."MY BABY...YOU'RE KILLING MY BABY!  I AM GOING TO TELL MY DADDY!  My mom stopped and I took my doll and went to my room.  It's a good thing that doll took the beating for me that day.  Mom and I still laugh about this now and now I have no idea what even happened to that little doll!

Now I have kids of my own and though they have not tried to do some of the things my siblings and I got away with, I have found that now as a mother, their mother, I like my mom did so long ago cry at times.  Kids don't realize how much they break our hearts with actions and words.  Even the littlest kids can make us feel so incompetent and awful and they're not even trying.  We beat ourselves up over how we could have done things differently to have raised them better or we find ourselves saying..."IF ONLY and blame ourselves for what they do from the time they are born to the day we die.

Lately I have found that my kids are getting the best of me and I cry and pray and try to help but after a while I know that I am doing the best I can.  One day they will be parents and realize that there was some truth to things I told them and understand that everything we do or say to them or for them was for their own good.  Until then I will just hope that they turn out ok like me and my siblings did. 

Thanks Mom for caring and loving us...I love you and miss you.

JUST BREATHE...

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind and it seems like I am finally able to take a few minutes and just breathe.  Let's begin with senior pictures a few weeks ago.  We had to take Anthony to the Lifetouch Corona studio since it was either there or Glendale or Hesperia...so I opted for the closer yet still a pain to get to choice.  So we got there after what seemed like a forever drive and considering I hate driving on freeways that are anywhere outside of my comfort zone, I think we made good time.  Ok, so we get there and the parking was awful but I managed to snag a spot as a student was leaving.  We walked into some ginormous studio with students sitting around with their change of clothes waiting for their turn. 

My first choice was to take Ant to the mall and go to the studio there since they have some awesome senior portrait prices and then I found out that the picture that goes in the yearbook needs to come from the main company and you had to even pay for that!  We are still going to the mall for all his fun pics but this was just the yearbook photo.  Ant didn't have to get totally dressed up, he only was taking a headshot.  I was so taken back by how grown up he looked with a nice shirt and tie compliments of his Dad...since Ant would not yet choose those kinds of clothes.  We watched and supervised his session and I was sad I left my phone outside.  I wanted to share with the world how awesome my baby looked! 

Then...on the way home as I opted to get in the carpool lane which was clear when I looked and signaled ..the car behind us  decided to go faster and well, you know how awesome fender benders can be on the freeway!  It was scary and not to mention we were right off the fast lane.  A CHP on his way home from work stopped and led us off the freeway and that's when I came face to face with craaaaaaaazy.  I was pretty impressed because I was pretty calm and even Ant noticed.  She practically got in my face and said...WHY DID YOU HIT ME....DO YOU KNOW HOW MESSED UP THAT WAS...MY DAUGHTER WAS IN THE CAR.   Her daughter was about Anthony's age and I think had it been another time Ant and the daughter would've hit it off.  I told her I understood but that my son was also in the car and right inside the door that her front tire was now imprinted upon the car door.  She took pictures with her phone and then she looked at me or shall I say she looked at my nationality and said...DO YOU EVEN HAVE INSURANCE.  What?  Mexicans can have insurance too? get out!  Yes she actually did have the nerve to ask that and I knew what she was getting at!  I could feel the mexican rising up in me but I just stayed calm as she went on a rampage telling me how it was not cool.  Oh yeah did I mention she was in a TAHOE?  Yup, my little Honda was lucky it didn't get more than a tire imprint on my car and some little dents.  Her car?  not anything more than a scratch if that but you would have thought it was worse by her ranting.  After the CHP's showed up and the police report was taken I was free to leave.  I got home and couldn't help but to check out my little car.  Turns out aside from a few dents and scratches that tire imprint came right off with nail polish remover.

I was happy that we were all ok and suddenly seeing my son get his senior pictures taken was more to me than imperfections on my car.  We're fine, the car is fine, perhaps one day I will get it fixed.

Then there was the MRI results I had been waiting for for the six month checkup of my liver tumor to make sure it was still nothing.  I gave up trying to track down my results at the hospital, with my doctor, medical records, and then they called me.  I first heard a message from the hospital telling me I need additional testing.  Then after I missed another call from my doctor I listened to a voice mail telling me he had my test results and wanted to speak with me....uh-oh...this can't be good!  As it turns out they should have done some other test but they missed that so my sudden thought of dying because of a stupid tumor subsided at least for a little bit...new tests will be done this week...I'll keep you posted. 

Add to that work, home, kids, bible class, sunday school teaching, meetings with school counselors and oh yeah Ant needing a root canal and wisdom teeth pulled I have been crazy busy.  As I sit here finally feeling a llittle sense of peace here in my little suite smelling the aroma of my marshmallow candle getting ready to read before I turn in for the night I feel like I can breathe...just breathe.

I Don't Know Why...

Sometimes I just don't know why.  I don't know why for a lot of things.  I don't have all the answers, I don't know why.  I am sitting in my suite tonight with a heavy heart and eyes that aren't dry.  It could be that I went to Back to School Night tonight and found out that the kids just don't care about their grades, when they should be.  I guess I just don't understand why you would want to get to this point and just give up when I know they are so much smarter.  I don't know why kids break our hearts and think that their parents want anything less than the best for them.  I don't know why they insist that they are smarter than us. 

I don't know why a little girl can envision her perfect prince coming along one day to rescue and take care of her and when she grows up she realizes it just may end up that she lives in her own private suite.  I don't know why I sometimes lay in bed at night and think of all my what ifs.  I don't know why I can't forget people who who don't care for me like I do for them.  I don't know why I am still here  in this ocean waiting for my ship to come in when in reality it's just a pond.  I don't know why I excitedly dream about my adventures in life and then wake up wishing I was still asleep.   I don't know why your heart won't do what you tell it. I don't know why I see happy people and get jealous I'm not them.  I don't know why I'm scared to roam.

I don't know why people we love and think about every day move away from us and then get sad they aren't close by.  I don't know why I sit on a small patch of grass surrounded by a sea of square stones talking to someone who isn't even there. I don't know why I listen to songs that remind me of happier times but only make me sad.

I don't know why people do what they do.  I don't know why people are who they are.  I don't know why people are people.  I don't even know why I am here.  I guess the only thing I really know is that I am here right now and I am the only one I can blame for my unhappiness.  If I don't care enough to find my destiny, no one else will be either.  As the saying goes...You can lead a horse to the water but you can't force them to drink...and I wish I did, but I don't know why.