I remember writing in my blog once that one day I was going to be able to tell you that instead of my all kinds of crazy feeling that I was going to have the all kinds of happy feeling, and now I am happy to report that I am happy!
This feeling comes from taking the steps I needed to take to get me to the place I needed to be. While I can't say that I am there 100%, I am more than halfway there. There are times I am laying on the floor of my apartment when I am all alone and just listen to the quiet. Gone from my atmosphere is constant fighting, complaining and the feeling I used to get when I would drive home from work of dread for what was going to face me when I got home. I actually look forward to going home now and spending time with the ones I love.
I remember being so scared to just walk away from things like owning a house and the fear that took hold of me regarding the unknown. I look at those things now and though I am still not sure what the outcome will be on home ownership and credit that just may take a dive I know that there is nothing that God will give me that I can't handle someway, somehow.
A wonderful friend told me that those things are just things and my happiness means more. She was so right. Being in my apartment gives me a sense of peace and freedom that I thought I would never feel again. It;s hard to live your life everyday wondering when yet knowing that soon someone in the house would fight and that just was not me anymore, I actually reached my breaking point and it was one of the best things that has happened to me in so long.
This is actually the first year (aside from holidays) in about 14 years that we actually sit together at the table and eat together and talk about our days. Little things like this continue to blow my mind each day. Of course there are days when something may get me down or I may get upset at something but that is just life happening and I know in my heart that I am so much better off.
I think back to everything leading up to where I am today and I shake my head. There were times I thought I was meant to be unhappy for the rest of my life but deep down inside I never gave up that small glimmer of hope and I remember praying for God to get me to the place I needed and wanted to be to be happy again, and here I am.
I may not have a lot but I know that I am where I am supposed to be right now with these amazing people in my life who have helped me remember how to smile and how to love again.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Along Life's Journey...
When my kids were little they loved each other so much. They laughed together and played together...that was then. I can't say they don't like each other now but they are both teenagers and they have those moments when they are going back and forth and you as their parent stand in the middle of them wishing that Calgon would just take you away. Of course there are those moments when we are all just sitting there and all is as it should be and I enjoy those moments the best.
I know that one day, or at least I hope, that the two of them will grow as close as I have with my siblings. When we were younger it seemed there was never a dull moment and we all drove each other crazy. I am sure my Mom thought she was going to have to jump off a cliff to avoid us being such jerks most of the time...and then there's now.
We grew up and evolved and something wonderful happened, we became friends and discovered that we not only like each other but that we actually love each other too. Now don't get me wrong , we have our differences at times but we always come back to the place where we should be. We know that through thick and thin or whatever the case may be that we have each other's back.
On my crazy journey that I am on right now I have found that even still my siblings stand right behind me to encourage, support and love. I have never experienced a moving situation that happened within an two hours but my Sister and Brother rallied up the troops and we got it done to get their little sis into her own little slice of heaven AKA my apartment.
Whenever I need advice, whenever I need help, they are always there, no matter what and I love them all so much. Brothers and Sisters are like forced friends that you eventually grow to love and I am thankful for all three of mine.
My Sister helped me out with something today that she knew would give me peace of mind and bring me happiness, and I am so grateful for her. My Sissy is like a mom to me and she is one of my best friends. She never judges me, she loves me and she is always here for me and I am eternally grateful that God puts people in our lives who he knows we will need and love along life's journey.
I know that one day, or at least I hope, that the two of them will grow as close as I have with my siblings. When we were younger it seemed there was never a dull moment and we all drove each other crazy. I am sure my Mom thought she was going to have to jump off a cliff to avoid us being such jerks most of the time...and then there's now.
We grew up and evolved and something wonderful happened, we became friends and discovered that we not only like each other but that we actually love each other too. Now don't get me wrong , we have our differences at times but we always come back to the place where we should be. We know that through thick and thin or whatever the case may be that we have each other's back.
On my crazy journey that I am on right now I have found that even still my siblings stand right behind me to encourage, support and love. I have never experienced a moving situation that happened within an two hours but my Sister and Brother rallied up the troops and we got it done to get their little sis into her own little slice of heaven AKA my apartment.
Whenever I need advice, whenever I need help, they are always there, no matter what and I love them all so much. Brothers and Sisters are like forced friends that you eventually grow to love and I am thankful for all three of mine.
My Sister helped me out with something today that she knew would give me peace of mind and bring me happiness, and I am so grateful for her. My Sissy is like a mom to me and she is one of my best friends. She never judges me, she loves me and she is always here for me and I am eternally grateful that God puts people in our lives who he knows we will need and love along life's journey.
Monday, March 19, 2012
With You All The Way...
As my journey continues I have found that as much as we want things in life to go our way...they don't. Just when you think you can see the finish line another hurdle is thrown in your way that you have to jump, which can be really overwhelming when you hate hurdles in the first place.
Yesterday was the LA Marathon and I thought back to 2008 when I ran, walked and hurt my knee in that marathon. Up to about mile 14 I was doing great and then my knee totally started cramping and feeling like it was going to give out. It was then that I wanted to give up but I realized I had gone that far and there was no way that I was going to give up, I mean I only had 12.2 miles to go. Needless to say I pushed on with encouragement from the crowds and texts from friends and family and thought of that medal that I was going to be able to show off forever. Yeah, I know it was just a medal but to me that medal meant a great victory and accomplishment. In the end it took me a little over 8 hours but I still walked across that finish line and got that medal! While I will never do it again, I can smile and say I did that.
Lately this big hurdle in my life keeps getting thrown at me and after a few times I swear I wanted to just give up. I was overwhelmed and mad that for some people things just come so easy. Like the day I ran the marathon, I have this amazing support that picked me up to jump over the hurdle to see the finish line again. When all I wanted to do was cry there was this person in my life who was there for me to help me see the bigger picture and to help me remember that negativity and giving up won't get you anywhere...and everyday it continues.
I have never been in such a place in my life where I feel at ease with all of the decisions I have made this year. My New Year's resolution was to be positive and happy. I cannot say that everyday has been positive or happy but I have found that when I am upset and start to look at the options, the only way out is to be positive. However, like many others I fall prey to negativity and things in my life that make me mad. I said recently that I don't go looking for negativity but it seems to find me and when it does it is hard to be happy and in a positive mood. Luckily for me my wonderfully positive person knows just what to say and do to bring me back to the place of positivity. It is wonderful to have someone in your life like this who gives you so much support and love and suggestions to get you back on track to your finish line.
There is a hurdle in my way right now that I am preparing to jump over. I hope when I jump over this that there will be no hurdles left, though I know that there's always a chance there will always be one more. Like the marathon it may take me a while to get to the finish line but I can't give up now. I have come this far. It is going to happen, it just may take a little longer so I will pray that God gives me endurance, faith, strength and patience.
As we drive down the road I look to the left and I smile when I am reassured by the look he gives me that everything will be ok, and that is just what I need.
Yesterday was the LA Marathon and I thought back to 2008 when I ran, walked and hurt my knee in that marathon. Up to about mile 14 I was doing great and then my knee totally started cramping and feeling like it was going to give out. It was then that I wanted to give up but I realized I had gone that far and there was no way that I was going to give up, I mean I only had 12.2 miles to go. Needless to say I pushed on with encouragement from the crowds and texts from friends and family and thought of that medal that I was going to be able to show off forever. Yeah, I know it was just a medal but to me that medal meant a great victory and accomplishment. In the end it took me a little over 8 hours but I still walked across that finish line and got that medal! While I will never do it again, I can smile and say I did that.
Lately this big hurdle in my life keeps getting thrown at me and after a few times I swear I wanted to just give up. I was overwhelmed and mad that for some people things just come so easy. Like the day I ran the marathon, I have this amazing support that picked me up to jump over the hurdle to see the finish line again. When all I wanted to do was cry there was this person in my life who was there for me to help me see the bigger picture and to help me remember that negativity and giving up won't get you anywhere...and everyday it continues.
I have never been in such a place in my life where I feel at ease with all of the decisions I have made this year. My New Year's resolution was to be positive and happy. I cannot say that everyday has been positive or happy but I have found that when I am upset and start to look at the options, the only way out is to be positive. However, like many others I fall prey to negativity and things in my life that make me mad. I said recently that I don't go looking for negativity but it seems to find me and when it does it is hard to be happy and in a positive mood. Luckily for me my wonderfully positive person knows just what to say and do to bring me back to the place of positivity. It is wonderful to have someone in your life like this who gives you so much support and love and suggestions to get you back on track to your finish line.
There is a hurdle in my way right now that I am preparing to jump over. I hope when I jump over this that there will be no hurdles left, though I know that there's always a chance there will always be one more. Like the marathon it may take me a while to get to the finish line but I can't give up now. I have come this far. It is going to happen, it just may take a little longer so I will pray that God gives me endurance, faith, strength and patience.
As we drive down the road I look to the left and I smile when I am reassured by the look he gives me that everything will be ok, and that is just what I need.
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