This Little Light of Mine...

My mama always told me that I should be a writer.  I remember once when she made me clean my room and I threw away alot of my writing and poetry.  I remember my mom going out to the trash and retrieving a lot of it and her asking why I threw it away.  I remember wondering what the big deal was, it was just poems and other writing after all and writing poetry has always come so easy for me so it wasn't like anythung I sat and thought out for days.  I love to write (as you can tell) and for a while I forgot about that part of me.  I would write in journals or maybe a few poems here and there but not like I used to do.

Then last year a lot of changes started to take place in my life and I started to remember the things I used to love and I started this blog.  I have a lot of other things I am working on and when I start to think about all the things that I can do with my writing it excites me and makes me feel like the possibilities are endless. 

Tonight in church we were told that each and every one of us have a gift and we should use those abilities that God gave to us.  It made me think of my writing.  My kids were also sitting there in church with me and I thought about their special gifts.  I wonder where life will take them and what their gifts to the world will be.  For me that's easy as the gift they give to me is being my kids...I really love them.

This week has been a very painful week for my son as he lost one of his best friends and another close friend, just within two days, they were both in a car accident.  It has been hard to watch him go through the emotions that grief brings to us.  He talked about his friends on the news and seeing him on TVwas surreal and I was proud of him.  Tonight I read something he had in his folder that he plans to read at the funeral on Friday and tears rolled down my eyes.  My mom told me I should be a writer and I truly believe he has the writing gift as well. 

I wish that I could take his pain away and just see him smile again.  It will take time but I know he will get there.  I told him the other day that he could do whatever he puts his mind to and he can do it in the memory of his friend who taught him a lot and who was such an inspiration to him. 

Yes, we all have a gift and gifts are meant to be given.  This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...may all your lights shine for all the world to see and enjoy.

A Mom's Letter...

Dear wonderful children of mine whom I love so much,

I wanted to write you a letter to let you know that I love you with all my heart and with all my soul.  Each day I watch you grow into the people that you will become and I am proud that you are my babies.  As your mother there is so much that I want for you in life.  I want to give you all the things that I didn't have and more.  I want to be there with you for each step you take so that I can protect you...but I know that can't be done.

You are your own people, I can only tell you what to do  until you're 18,  I know its hard to listen to what I have to say, but believe it or not I was your age a long time ago and learned a lot of lessons along the way. I may not let you go places you want to go or do things that you want to do but I usually have a pretty good reason, just trust me.

You only live once so my advice to you is live it!  Take your time to settle down or have babies, you will have plenty of time in your lives to get there,.  Have fun and be kids.  Never be so serious in life that you are uptight.  Love yourselves before you love anyone.  Believe that you are beautiful, God made you after all.  If you love someone and they don't love you back they don't deserve you, there is someone in this world who is your perfect match ...believe it.

As much as it is hard to do love your parents.  Looking back I know my parents loved me by making sacrifices for us.  They sometimes went without so we didn't have to.  They were there for me through thick and thin.  I too am here for you for whatever you need.  I will do everything I can to make sure you always are clothed, fed and housed and all the extra things.  I want you to come to me for absolutely anything you need.  I am also a good listener and you can talk to me about anything.  Don't ever think anything different. 
I don't want you to be scared to approach me because there is nothing you can tell me that will make my love for you ever go away.  I love you unconditionally.  My love for you has no boundaries.

Know that no matter what happens to us in life there is nothing too big for us to figure out how to get through.  God will never give us anything we can't get through, he knows what we are capable of.  If I ever get mad at you, it won't really last long before my mama love starts to kick in and I forget why I was ever mad.

I always, always only want the best for you. You are so smart and you can do whatever it is in life that you love and put your mind to.  I am and will always be your biggest fan here on earth. 

I hurt when you hurt.  It breaks a mama's heart when one of her babies is sad and YES no matter how old you get, you will always be my babies.  Know this...life is full of dissapointments but it is our choice to be dissapointed about them.  Life will not always go your way and as long as you know that you will come out on top.  Life is what we make of it.  I am still learning about myself every day and I still don't have all the answers.  Life does not come with an instruction manual, you have to just wing it and live your life day by day but to the fullest.

Don't waste your life stuck in the land of WHAT IF's.  I once heard someone say there are people who make things happen, people who watch things happen and those that say what happened.  Make things happen and love your life and everything and everyone in it.

I wanted to write you this letter because I am thankful for you every day.  There may be days when you think I am mean and you won't like me very much but just know I will still love you.  You grew in my stomach for nine months and we have a special bond because of it. 

So just in case you ever wonder how I feel for you but don't want to ask...you can read this.  ILY A and A.

Live...

My season of holiday cheer usually kicks off around Thanksgiving and I love to just decorate and be happy as I sip a cup of cocoa and watch the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree.  It started off good and now I find myself deeply pondering my future because it took something sad to make me realize that life is too short to not love it and live it exactly how you want. 

This weekend a very celebrated young man and very best friend to my son tragically passed away in a car accident.  Today another friend of his who was also in the car also passed.  For a teenager death is hard to handle but times it by two and it makes you really question why.  I have watched my son turn from a happy and joking teenager to someone whose eyes look glassy from trying to hold back tears.  It breaks my heart to see my kids have a broken heart and hurt so much.

One of these boys was a very popular DJ among the young kids and he was very much loved and really talented.  He was an inspiration to my son and my son was so close to him and his family.  My son has posters and flyers and stickers that were used to promote him all over his room.  I listened to and watched some of his videos online and I have to say that he was also very wise.  In one of his videos he asks "What are you doing WITH your life?"  Not in your life but what are you really doing WITH your life.  I watched that and cried.  For someone who was just 21, he understood life much more so than many of us beyond 21.  I must admit he made me wonder what the heck I'm doing here still when life is just waiting for me to grasp it.

All of these people were so affected by this boy, this young man who my son looked up to as well.  Whenever we go somewhere my son always knows someone or someone knows him and says HEY DUCKY!  That's his nickname.  He told me today that his friend was the reason people know him and he has so many friends.

He asked me if he could go on this trip that  took his friends away and I told him no because we had family coming over.  The thought of it makes me cringe.  I cannot imagine the pain these boys mothers and family are feeling.  I can't imagine my son on that fateful trip, I don't want to.  So as people are fighting at retail stores  for stupid TV's  I am still celebrating thanksgiving.  I am truly thankful that my son is here with me and is a better person because he was touched and inspired by his friends who are no longer with us.

If you have kids, love them, even when they drive you crazy.  A week ago I was nagging him about his grades and while those are important I have realized in just a matter of days that their well being means more than anything and as long as we have each other there is nothing we can't get through. 

If you have a dream or something in your life you need to do...  DO IT!  Time waits for nothing and we only have one life. As one of those flyers to promote his friend in my son's room says...Live Life Loved.

Rest in peace boys...

Thankful for Today...

Today is Thanksgiving 2011.  I have been alive for 39 years and have so much to be thankful for.  I am thankful for my parents who gave me life.  I am thankful that I grew up in such a loving family and a family that was always there for each other.  I am thankful for my Mom and Dad who worked hard through the years to raise us in good times and in bad.  I am thankful that I grew out of being a spoiled brat and grew to understand how much my parents have meant to me through all the years.  I am thankful that I have their blood flowing through my veins.  While I am sad that my dad is no longer here I am thankful for all of the years that he was in my life.  I am thankful that I still have my Mama here, even though I should call her more! 
I am thankful for my siblings, all three of them.  Even though we have all had our spats, I know that no matter what we all have each other's backs.  The love between us is unconditional and I know it will always be that way, through whatever.
I am thankful for my kids.  They have brought more joy and love to my life than I could ever have imagined they would.  There are times especially now that they are teenagers that I just want to jump off a cliff because of teenage drama but no matter what those are my babies and I love them with all my heart and soul and would do anything for them.  They have my heart and they know it.
I am thankful for their dad even though he is the reason I don't wear a size 7 anymore and have gray hair that I dye whenever I see one.  I am thankful for him as someone whom I have shared 18 years with and who took some part in me having my babies. 
I am thankful for my friends.  If it was not for them I would not be who I am today.  They give me strength and encouragemen and are my personal cheerleaders.  I know I can count on them at any hour of any day and I love them for that.
I am thankful for my church and all my church family.  They have taken us in this past year and really gave me a sense of belonging to a church.  I love every one of them and everything I have there.
I am thankful for my job.  I may not want to get up in the mornings but I know that all that I have would not be possible without my job.  I am thankful for the cars in the driveway to get us to work.  I am thankful for the house I complain about all the time.
I am thankful for the people in the military who fight for our freedom each day.
The list could go on and on.  I know we think a lot about what we are grateful for on this day and not much on any other day.  I heard a quote the other day that went like this...Thanksgiving should not just be a day on the calendar, but it should be a way of life.  Let's make a vow to be thankful every day!
Finally...I am thankful for having God in my life.  I may not be perfect and I am still a work in progress, but now more than ever I feel more spiritual than I have ever felt.  When I am having a bad day I go straight for my bible and read passages and it calms me and I know everything will be ok.
I am thankful to God for putting me exactly where he wants me to be right now.  I don't have a clue about what will happen in the future but I know that with God in my life that is just enough for me to be thankful for.

Happy Thankgsgiving...

In the Air...

Back in May I wrote a blog called "On the Edge"...do you remember?  If not, go back and read it.  Those who know me best know exactly what that story is about.  I like to go back and read my blogs and see what I was going through and compare it to where I am in my life today.  Today's blog is called "In the Air" and there's a reason. 

Back in May I was on the edge and now here I am somehow suspended in the air.  Simply put...I jumped.  Those fragrant flowers on the bottom were too much to simply view them from a distance, I wanted to hold them, to have them in my hands.  Those people at the bottom cheering me on never stopped, even if I could not hear them as loudly. 

I look behind me and there is the edge and all the reasons I jumped. I guess I feel at times that more so I was pushed. The flowers that were planted to convince me to stay have slowly withered and yet still seeds are planted even more so lately to show me how pretty it can be up there.

I haven't landed and although I jumped it's as if time has somehow stopped.  There is still a sense of not wanting to drop and fall to the valley below yet there is a sense of excitement and wonder as to what my next adventure will be in my next chapter.  But the argument that my heart and my mind are having with each other is can I do this?

Everything I know that is crazy yet familiar is up there there on that cliff and then on the bottom is everything I don't know but feel giddy about discovering.  How can I come this far to just say nevermind?  Yes it's scary but I am confident I can face whatever awaits me there...but then when will I get there.

These are things that are floating around in my head as I float in the air waiting for gravity to pull me down and lifelines getting thrown to me in hopes I'll climb back up.  The day I jumped off that cliff was the hardest and most emotional but with each new day since then, and it's only been a few, I'm one step closer to the bottom of the cliff that will  one day become my top of the world.