Ok, today's blog topic...boobage! Ladies, you know what I am talking about. We call them our girls amongst other things. They are one of the key elements we go by when shopping for clothes, because our boobage is like an accesory and we need to make them look good, and all you ladies know what I am talking about.
I remember my boobies growing at record speed when I was younger. I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if they were a normal shape for a pre-teen girl. I remember them being quite pointy and it was embarrasing. I remember one time when Frankie told me she thought I stuffed my bra because my boobs were bigger than usual. I told her I swore they were mine and I would show her in the bathroom at recess. Luckily she declined, can you imagine how that conversation would have gone?
So anyways, I grew into my boobies and eventually they became quite round and definately not the smallest size. Of course you get the looks from guys with some wanted and even unwanted attention but it is all a part of a day in the life of boobies. I watch shows on TV where girls flock ro Beverly Hills seeking out the best plastic surgeons to do all kinds of boob jobs. I think for me, I am happy with the size, now if only they could be perkier and more lifted, that's what I want. I do feel sorry for girls who are small breasted and they think that boobs will make their lives better. In the end, their souls will go wherever they are destined for and their silicone boobs will look like a water balloon inside a casket of bones, unless you're cremated. Can you imagine the popping sound that would make...hmmm. perhaps they may take them out to avoid that.
A friend of mine got a boob job where all they had to do was go into her belly button. What the hell...how does that work. In any case they came out beautifully and my friend loves them. When she first got them she was allowing our female co-workers to go look and even touch them. I declined, and it made me remember my offering to Frankie to check to ensure mine were real back in the day.
I have a love/hate relationship with my boobs. Sometimes i think they are pretty good, Those are usually on the perfect days. You know those days...you have the perfect hair, makeup and outfit that accentuates your girls ever so fabulously. Your boobies on those days are so great you start to flirt with yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how pretty you are.
Then there are bad boob days. These are the days when your best bra doesn't even look good. Either the underwire is hurting or your boobs are practically hanging to your knees. Usually your bad boob days follow you to bed as a little reminder that your boobs are not as young as they used to be. You lay in bed and read a book and suddenly realize that your boobs have fallen off your chest and into your underarm pits...when and how in the hell did that happen??
We try and pick a bra that is sensible yet cute and playful in the slight chance that your other half will get frisky and even notice your bra. If I have learned something it is that they don't make cute bras for bigger boobies. They are either white, off white, tan or black, you may find one with a design if you're lucky. I am ok with buying cheap bras as long as they are in my size. I'm not hating all you Victoria's Secret bra people but I am just too cheap to buy a bra for $50. Why do that when I can buy like 7 or 8 for that price.
Oh yeah and something else that freaks me out about Victoria's Secret is how those cute young perky girls ask me if I need a bra fitting. That's scary...at least to me! Recently, I found out how to accurately measure your breast size. It was an aha moment because I was thinking ...Wow this really works. I went out and bought the correct bra size and thinks have seemed to PERK up.
The thing that I am not looking forward to in a few years is having a mammogram. I can't imagine how it must hurt to have your boobs placed between two metal plates and then squeezing the plates together until you cry out in pain. That should be a great blog!
As much as they make for an interesting topic, they also scare me. So many women have lost and continue to lose their lives to breast cancer. So in closing, I would just like to dedicate today's blog to all those brave women who have had to deal with breat cancer. May the medical world find a cure and until then we will place you in our prayers.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Lilly Of My Valley
November is almost here. This time of year always reminds me of two things. One is that I need to start getting my butt in gear for the holidays and begin my Christmas shopping. The other is my Grandma Lilly. Grandma Lilly was my Dad's Mother. She was born in November and sadly she also passed in November.
I have pictures of her holding me when I was a baby and in my toddler years. She lived with us when I was a baby and then she lived with us again when I was in the sixth grade, so I was about 11. Before this when I was about 8 or 9 I practically lived at my Grandma's house. She would babysit my two cousins and I who were about the same age as me. I know in that timeframe there were many of our other cousins there as well, but the three of us grandkids were like the three musketeers. We had so much fun with my Grandma and they are memories that while they may fade with time, I can never forget them, I hope my cousins don't either, but they are men now, so I doubt they remember the details like me a typical woman would.
The days started off the same, we would get dropped off by our parents, I am not sure but I think one may have even lived there full time with my Grandma. She would make handmade tortillas every morning, at least six dozen per day. I remember for breakfast we would have tortillas topped with Gold-n-Soft margarine. My grandma always had a big bulk size of that stuff. Then we would follow my grandma in to watch all her game shows. The one that sticks out in my mind the most is The Price is Right. Oh how she loved her some Bob Barker and me and my cousins would watch and bid on things. We used to say that we were going to go on the show some day. It is hard to believe that thirty years later that show is still on TV.
Then she would watch her soap operas. I know she watched a few good old novelas but she also loved Days of Our Lives. We would laugh and make fun of it and she would take off her shoe also known as her choncla and throw it at us. We would spend time outside with her on the porch and back then there were no computers or cell phones or hundred plus channels on cable. For entertainment my grandma would catch those big scary beetles that follow you in the summer. Once she caught them she would tie a piece of thread around their leg and swing it in a circle up in the air like a helicopter. It would make a crazy funny sound and we were entertained for hours, I think we usually let the beetle go afterwards.
We would watch and worry with fright when grandma injected herself with insulin to control her diabetes. I think she even let me help her do it once, and I remember being so scared that I was going to hurt her. Oh how I loved Grandma.
When she lived with us we became very close. She had a special nickname for me and we seemed to share everything. As she got older her body also got older and things happened. One of her legs was amputated and grandma wore a prosthetic leg. Usually she didn't go anywhere without it, and would even have it on in the house when she had no plans to go out. Anyone who really knows me has heard this story and if you haven't heard it yet, be prepared to laugh...
My parents had some friends who needed a babysitter for a few hours, so they asked my grandma if she could do it. It was not going to be a big deal since the kids wer about 6 or 7. Plus, I was also going to be there to help my grandma out. The kids ended up being really bad and my grandma told them..."If you don't behave, I will take off my leg and throw it at you". The kids just laughed and told her how she couldn't do that. A few minutes later after my grandma walked into her room she came crawling down the hallway and threw her leg towards the front of the living room where the kids were watching TV. They screamed and cried and were so scared. After that, they were the best behaved kids in town. Their parents thought it was the funniest thing ever. People just loved my grandma. Nobody loved her more though than her kids and all of us grandkids.
She used to have this ugly green and wood paneled station wagon. She never hesitated to pick all of us up from school and give us rides home. She was special to all of us and I miss her. She used to play her harmonica like nobody's business and she could crochet a blanket in only a few days. We used to fight over rolling the skeins of yarn into balls for her, oh how the memories seem to never leave.
I was in tenth grade when my Grandma Lilly left us. I have a picture of my dad standing over her grave a few days after she was buried and all the flowers from her funeral are on the ground. My dad is handing my grandmas sister a flower from the ground. Sometimes I look at that picture and think how now my dad is gone too. My grandma's sister is still alive though and lives in Texas. She loved my grandma so much too and after my grandma died, she became close with my parents. She always made sure my grandma was taken care of as much as she could.
I could go on and on about what I remember about my grandma, my memories are endless. She was one of the best grandmas in the world. While we knew she loved us we also knew what boundaries not to cross. My grandma was a vocal little thing and she loved to curse. She was not afraid to say what she thought and she let you know when you were pissing her off. I miss her a lot. I have not heard her voice in 22 years, but I can still hear her voice in my mind, in the memories. I know she is up in heaven rolling out tortillas for the angels. She is up there with her children who are no longer here and she is with us everyday, in everything we do. She will always be the Lilly of my valley...I miss you grandma.
I have pictures of her holding me when I was a baby and in my toddler years. She lived with us when I was a baby and then she lived with us again when I was in the sixth grade, so I was about 11. Before this when I was about 8 or 9 I practically lived at my Grandma's house. She would babysit my two cousins and I who were about the same age as me. I know in that timeframe there were many of our other cousins there as well, but the three of us grandkids were like the three musketeers. We had so much fun with my Grandma and they are memories that while they may fade with time, I can never forget them, I hope my cousins don't either, but they are men now, so I doubt they remember the details like me a typical woman would.
The days started off the same, we would get dropped off by our parents, I am not sure but I think one may have even lived there full time with my Grandma. She would make handmade tortillas every morning, at least six dozen per day. I remember for breakfast we would have tortillas topped with Gold-n-Soft margarine. My grandma always had a big bulk size of that stuff. Then we would follow my grandma in to watch all her game shows. The one that sticks out in my mind the most is The Price is Right. Oh how she loved her some Bob Barker and me and my cousins would watch and bid on things. We used to say that we were going to go on the show some day. It is hard to believe that thirty years later that show is still on TV.
Then she would watch her soap operas. I know she watched a few good old novelas but she also loved Days of Our Lives. We would laugh and make fun of it and she would take off her shoe also known as her choncla and throw it at us. We would spend time outside with her on the porch and back then there were no computers or cell phones or hundred plus channels on cable. For entertainment my grandma would catch those big scary beetles that follow you in the summer. Once she caught them she would tie a piece of thread around their leg and swing it in a circle up in the air like a helicopter. It would make a crazy funny sound and we were entertained for hours, I think we usually let the beetle go afterwards.
We would watch and worry with fright when grandma injected herself with insulin to control her diabetes. I think she even let me help her do it once, and I remember being so scared that I was going to hurt her. Oh how I loved Grandma.
When she lived with us we became very close. She had a special nickname for me and we seemed to share everything. As she got older her body also got older and things happened. One of her legs was amputated and grandma wore a prosthetic leg. Usually she didn't go anywhere without it, and would even have it on in the house when she had no plans to go out. Anyone who really knows me has heard this story and if you haven't heard it yet, be prepared to laugh...
My parents had some friends who needed a babysitter for a few hours, so they asked my grandma if she could do it. It was not going to be a big deal since the kids wer about 6 or 7. Plus, I was also going to be there to help my grandma out. The kids ended up being really bad and my grandma told them..."If you don't behave, I will take off my leg and throw it at you". The kids just laughed and told her how she couldn't do that. A few minutes later after my grandma walked into her room she came crawling down the hallway and threw her leg towards the front of the living room where the kids were watching TV. They screamed and cried and were so scared. After that, they were the best behaved kids in town. Their parents thought it was the funniest thing ever. People just loved my grandma. Nobody loved her more though than her kids and all of us grandkids.
She used to have this ugly green and wood paneled station wagon. She never hesitated to pick all of us up from school and give us rides home. She was special to all of us and I miss her. She used to play her harmonica like nobody's business and she could crochet a blanket in only a few days. We used to fight over rolling the skeins of yarn into balls for her, oh how the memories seem to never leave.
I was in tenth grade when my Grandma Lilly left us. I have a picture of my dad standing over her grave a few days after she was buried and all the flowers from her funeral are on the ground. My dad is handing my grandmas sister a flower from the ground. Sometimes I look at that picture and think how now my dad is gone too. My grandma's sister is still alive though and lives in Texas. She loved my grandma so much too and after my grandma died, she became close with my parents. She always made sure my grandma was taken care of as much as she could.
I could go on and on about what I remember about my grandma, my memories are endless. She was one of the best grandmas in the world. While we knew she loved us we also knew what boundaries not to cross. My grandma was a vocal little thing and she loved to curse. She was not afraid to say what she thought and she let you know when you were pissing her off. I miss her a lot. I have not heard her voice in 22 years, but I can still hear her voice in my mind, in the memories. I know she is up in heaven rolling out tortillas for the angels. She is up there with her children who are no longer here and she is with us everyday, in everything we do. She will always be the Lilly of my valley...I miss you grandma.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Ode to Curvy!
Every year around January I always tell myself that my resolution for the year will be to lose weight. Through the year I am trying different things to get there like going on crazy diets, buying fat burning pills from WalMart or trying to get motivated enough to do some kind of exercise. I think the exercise option is the most humorous because it comes with a variety of things I can do.
We have a little mini gym at work and sometimes I think I will be good and workout in there after work. I psych myself out and change my clothes at the end of the day and then I walk over there and there is someone else there. Sometimes, that doesn't stop me but sometimes I just want to be alone with me and my excess pounds. I come home and have weights. I decide that I can strengthen my arms and get Tina Turner muscles if I do that. I usually lift weights while watching TV and by the time I get to ten, I am distracted and never pick them up again! Add something new into my weights...the incredible shake weight. C'mon you have all seen this thing advertised on TV. It's this weight that you shake up and down or back and forth and quite honestly, it looks a little pornographic..don't believe me, just go buy one! Anyways, it is promised that if you do the shake weight for six minutes per day you will have not only better arms but a better more improved and sculpted bust as well. I'm sorry but after one minute you are so worn out you can't ever go another five. Now, they even have a man shake weight. I think basically it is probably the same thing only in black.
I also promise myself that I will walk when I get home from work at least three miles, um yeah, that never happens! Oh well, at least there are always sit-ups and lunges and whatever else I can do while I am watching Lifetime.
Seriously, I really need to get up and do something, but wait...is it too late? I just came back tonight from a family thrown Halloween/October Birthday Bash Extraordinaire. There were candied apples, cupcakes, eyeball brownie bites, hot dogs, pizza, nachos, deviled eggs and things that make a person's butt balloon! As much as I want to be wonderful, the holidays beginning in October really stifle my exercise thoughts. Next week is Halloween, which means candy galore. Just this week at work there is a birthday lunch and a halloween potluck...things like this oly get worse as we near closer to Christmas.
I am also guilty of drinking coffee and hot chocolate because of the weather. It makes me feel warm and cozy but I later end up feeling bloated and ugh. We get invited to relatives houses and out with our friends for holiday parties and it never ends. Before we know it it's January again and we find ourselves making resolutions again. Then comes "Tax Time" and we're stressed out, especially if we find ourselves owing Uncle Sam and what do we do to make ourselves feel better...yeah, you guessed it, we eat.
I hate to make excuses but it's so hard to be a skinny mini these days. I really would love to look like those beautiful size two models in Cosmo, but you know what, I think I am happier being a curvy chick! Bon Appettit!
We have a little mini gym at work and sometimes I think I will be good and workout in there after work. I psych myself out and change my clothes at the end of the day and then I walk over there and there is someone else there. Sometimes, that doesn't stop me but sometimes I just want to be alone with me and my excess pounds. I come home and have weights. I decide that I can strengthen my arms and get Tina Turner muscles if I do that. I usually lift weights while watching TV and by the time I get to ten, I am distracted and never pick them up again! Add something new into my weights...the incredible shake weight. C'mon you have all seen this thing advertised on TV. It's this weight that you shake up and down or back and forth and quite honestly, it looks a little pornographic..don't believe me, just go buy one! Anyways, it is promised that if you do the shake weight for six minutes per day you will have not only better arms but a better more improved and sculpted bust as well. I'm sorry but after one minute you are so worn out you can't ever go another five. Now, they even have a man shake weight. I think basically it is probably the same thing only in black.
I also promise myself that I will walk when I get home from work at least three miles, um yeah, that never happens! Oh well, at least there are always sit-ups and lunges and whatever else I can do while I am watching Lifetime.
Seriously, I really need to get up and do something, but wait...is it too late? I just came back tonight from a family thrown Halloween/October Birthday Bash Extraordinaire. There were candied apples, cupcakes, eyeball brownie bites, hot dogs, pizza, nachos, deviled eggs and things that make a person's butt balloon! As much as I want to be wonderful, the holidays beginning in October really stifle my exercise thoughts. Next week is Halloween, which means candy galore. Just this week at work there is a birthday lunch and a halloween potluck...things like this oly get worse as we near closer to Christmas.
I am also guilty of drinking coffee and hot chocolate because of the weather. It makes me feel warm and cozy but I later end up feeling bloated and ugh. We get invited to relatives houses and out with our friends for holiday parties and it never ends. Before we know it it's January again and we find ourselves making resolutions again. Then comes "Tax Time" and we're stressed out, especially if we find ourselves owing Uncle Sam and what do we do to make ourselves feel better...yeah, you guessed it, we eat.
I hate to make excuses but it's so hard to be a skinny mini these days. I really would love to look like those beautiful size two models in Cosmo, but you know what, I think I am happier being a curvy chick! Bon Appettit!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Hee Haw-The Hoo Ha Day Is Over!
Okay ladies, and gentlemen too, we could come up with a million things that we women call our female lower half also known as the vagina. We do this because the V word sounds really formal and almost dirty, right?Let's see, I have heard it referred to as...Kitty, twat twat, peepee, chon chon, chonchita, Vajayjay and tunnel of love, just to name a few. There are so many others. Today for this blog, I am referring to it as Hoo Ha.
Today was a big day for my hoo ha. After Frankie talked me into going to the OB/GYN to get my well woman check out that I have not had in at least five years, I gave in and today was the appointment. I was nervous about it the whole day. I even voided out my extra hour of sleep in the morning to prep because OMG this was big. I was so nervous and scared. I did not think that I was nervous about the whole procedure until today. I did know that I was nervous about any crazy thing that they would find. Add to it that Frankie and I read a story yesterday in good old Ladie's Home Journal about a daughter who lost her mother to ovarian cancer and it freaked me out! Today I started thinking about the whole uncomfortableness of it all and I got all panicky.
So as I woke up at five in the morning I went into the bathroom and had a talk with my hoo ha. I said..."Now hoo ha it is a big day and you have to look nice for the doctor". Afterall, aside from me and my husband, it really doesn't get to visit anyone. So how better to make it look nice than a little trim. I took out my handy lavender Lady Remington and went to work like I owned a salon. It was kind of funny though because I am not as tiny as I was back in the day so this intertube around my middle made it a wee bit hard to see what was going on!!! I was happy with the end results though! Then I jumped in the shower to shave my legs and get anything the lady remington left behind off my body. How embarrassing it would be if all these little pubes were stuck to my legs or butt, haha.
After the shower I got out and got dressed. I did not make any complicated choice for an outfit today and I had to keep my shoes in mind. I wanted to wear some shoes that were not really closed in because I have a theory about that too. I wanted to wear some open shoes so that my feet had no kind of odor, because I knew that at the end of the day at my appointment my feet would be up in the air with legs spread apart and kinda by the doc's nose. Hey I want her to have a pleasant experience too! Oh yeah and I forgot to mention that my Victoria's Secret was used to make hoo ha smell nice...oh come on you know you do it too!
Ok so after work was over, I left early and was on my way. That is when I really started freaking out. All the what-if's started filling my mind. What if the doctor was mean, what if she found something abnormal, what if I accidentally farted? I checked in and waited in the waiting room. They called my name so fast, I was next...oh my goodness! I went into the back and the nurse made me get on the scale...ugh, I told her it was broken, it had to be. Then she led me into the room and did the routine questions, temperature and blood pressure. Everything fine...moving on. She pointed out the gown just waiting to cover my freaked out body, pulled a curtain closed and walked out the door. I quickly took off my clothes, changed into the robe and pulled out Victoria's Secret from my purse and secretly sprayed hoo ha again, OMG nerves, settle down! I jumped up on the table and sat there. I don't know why but I looked down at my legs and could have killed myself right there! In the shower in the morning I remember shaving one leg but I guess I was so distracted that I totally flaked on the other one and it looked like a chia pet, all I could hear was ch-ch-ch chia! Oh my goodness, this doctor was going to think I was a freak with one hairy leg, one shaved leg and a newly trimmed hoo ha!
Oh well, I wasn't going to worry about it and maybe she wouldn't notice! Then I looked at the table and there were all the swabs and tools and the panic crept up just as there was a knock on the door. She came in with a smile on her face and I suddenly felt relieved. She asked me about my medical history and we chatted for about ten minutes before the dreaded procedure began. She told me that she wanted me to get a tetnis shot combined with something for whooping cough. I pleaded with her to please let me take it a little later because I had worked myself up for this appointment, she understood, she was so nice! Then she told me to lay down so she could give me a breast exam. Oh crap, I had been so wrapped up just thinking about my hoo ha that I forgot about the girls. She checked my girls for anything not quite right and said everything there seemed fine. Uh yeah despite the fact I need a boob lift, no she didn't say that, but I was thinking it!
Then it was time. I had to scoot down to the end and put my feet up on those cold metal things. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I had to laugh because there were a few pictures up on the ceiling of the ocean and a sprawling green meadow. I remembered Frankie told me she tells herself"this isn't me" and pretends to be elsewhere. I looked at the pictures and began to imagine I was there in the picture. Then I felt the device that does whatever it does to spread it all open and put your business out there get inserted into little hoo ha. All of a sudden the device made some popping noise and I had to laugh when the doctor said that wasn't you it was my tool. I knew it wasn't me, but it was funny because usually I don't make popping noises:) She told me the worst part is when she had to use gooey cold lube and do whatever. I actually didn't think that was the worst part, it was the spread apart tool and that was over. Soon it was all over and she gave me the green light to get dressed. She told me everything looked good from what she could tell and explained how they would contact me if there were any issues. She wrote me an appointment slip and some slip for routine bloodwork and before I knew it, I was telling her to have a nice day.
Okay, so I panicked for so long for nothing and it wasn't as bad as I psyched myself out remembering from the last time. I'm not too nervous about the results whatever they may be and I am so happy I followed through...and so is my hoo ha!
Today was a big day for my hoo ha. After Frankie talked me into going to the OB/GYN to get my well woman check out that I have not had in at least five years, I gave in and today was the appointment. I was nervous about it the whole day. I even voided out my extra hour of sleep in the morning to prep because OMG this was big. I was so nervous and scared. I did not think that I was nervous about the whole procedure until today. I did know that I was nervous about any crazy thing that they would find. Add to it that Frankie and I read a story yesterday in good old Ladie's Home Journal about a daughter who lost her mother to ovarian cancer and it freaked me out! Today I started thinking about the whole uncomfortableness of it all and I got all panicky.
So as I woke up at five in the morning I went into the bathroom and had a talk with my hoo ha. I said..."Now hoo ha it is a big day and you have to look nice for the doctor". Afterall, aside from me and my husband, it really doesn't get to visit anyone. So how better to make it look nice than a little trim. I took out my handy lavender Lady Remington and went to work like I owned a salon. It was kind of funny though because I am not as tiny as I was back in the day so this intertube around my middle made it a wee bit hard to see what was going on!!! I was happy with the end results though! Then I jumped in the shower to shave my legs and get anything the lady remington left behind off my body. How embarrassing it would be if all these little pubes were stuck to my legs or butt, haha.
After the shower I got out and got dressed. I did not make any complicated choice for an outfit today and I had to keep my shoes in mind. I wanted to wear some shoes that were not really closed in because I have a theory about that too. I wanted to wear some open shoes so that my feet had no kind of odor, because I knew that at the end of the day at my appointment my feet would be up in the air with legs spread apart and kinda by the doc's nose. Hey I want her to have a pleasant experience too! Oh yeah and I forgot to mention that my Victoria's Secret was used to make hoo ha smell nice...oh come on you know you do it too!
Ok so after work was over, I left early and was on my way. That is when I really started freaking out. All the what-if's started filling my mind. What if the doctor was mean, what if she found something abnormal, what if I accidentally farted? I checked in and waited in the waiting room. They called my name so fast, I was next...oh my goodness! I went into the back and the nurse made me get on the scale...ugh, I told her it was broken, it had to be. Then she led me into the room and did the routine questions, temperature and blood pressure. Everything fine...moving on. She pointed out the gown just waiting to cover my freaked out body, pulled a curtain closed and walked out the door. I quickly took off my clothes, changed into the robe and pulled out Victoria's Secret from my purse and secretly sprayed hoo ha again, OMG nerves, settle down! I jumped up on the table and sat there. I don't know why but I looked down at my legs and could have killed myself right there! In the shower in the morning I remember shaving one leg but I guess I was so distracted that I totally flaked on the other one and it looked like a chia pet, all I could hear was ch-ch-ch chia! Oh my goodness, this doctor was going to think I was a freak with one hairy leg, one shaved leg and a newly trimmed hoo ha!
Oh well, I wasn't going to worry about it and maybe she wouldn't notice! Then I looked at the table and there were all the swabs and tools and the panic crept up just as there was a knock on the door. She came in with a smile on her face and I suddenly felt relieved. She asked me about my medical history and we chatted for about ten minutes before the dreaded procedure began. She told me that she wanted me to get a tetnis shot combined with something for whooping cough. I pleaded with her to please let me take it a little later because I had worked myself up for this appointment, she understood, she was so nice! Then she told me to lay down so she could give me a breast exam. Oh crap, I had been so wrapped up just thinking about my hoo ha that I forgot about the girls. She checked my girls for anything not quite right and said everything there seemed fine. Uh yeah despite the fact I need a boob lift, no she didn't say that, but I was thinking it!
Then it was time. I had to scoot down to the end and put my feet up on those cold metal things. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I had to laugh because there were a few pictures up on the ceiling of the ocean and a sprawling green meadow. I remembered Frankie told me she tells herself"this isn't me" and pretends to be elsewhere. I looked at the pictures and began to imagine I was there in the picture. Then I felt the device that does whatever it does to spread it all open and put your business out there get inserted into little hoo ha. All of a sudden the device made some popping noise and I had to laugh when the doctor said that wasn't you it was my tool. I knew it wasn't me, but it was funny because usually I don't make popping noises:) She told me the worst part is when she had to use gooey cold lube and do whatever. I actually didn't think that was the worst part, it was the spread apart tool and that was over. Soon it was all over and she gave me the green light to get dressed. She told me everything looked good from what she could tell and explained how they would contact me if there were any issues. She wrote me an appointment slip and some slip for routine bloodwork and before I knew it, I was telling her to have a nice day.
Okay, so I panicked for so long for nothing and it wasn't as bad as I psyched myself out remembering from the last time. I'm not too nervous about the results whatever they may be and I am so happy I followed through...and so is my hoo ha!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Pretty On the Inside
So today I heard something come out of my daughter’s mouth that I always tell myself as I am trying to put together my outfit for the next day. It was this famous line that every woman thinks… “I have nothing to wear”. Isn’t it funny that we see our friends or other women on the street and they always look so put together, but they even think that they have nothing to wear.
Most nights when I go home I walk into my closet and figure out what I will wear for the next day. I can have the cleanest room ever, but if it happens to be a night when I go through everything in my closet not finding anything that pleases me, the room becomes a total disaster area. Not only do I have to try the clothes on, I have to also pair it up with the perfect shoes AND the perfect accessories, because an outfit without accessories makes me feel naked!
Usually I go through everything in the closet and usually end up picking the very first outfit I tried on. By then though, there are clothes and shoes everywhere and it’s about 9:45 pm by then. I jump in the shower telling myself that I will put everything away when I am done and then after the shower I am even more relaxed and tired. I throw everything into my closet and promise myself that tomorrow I will put it away.
So now the next evening comes around and it’s back to trying to figure out what I am going to wear for the next day. I always manage to find more things that are not in the pile already on the floor that get added to the pile when I decide I hate those too and that’s usually when I think aloud… “I need to go shopping!”
Which brings me back to my daughter. In the life of a teenage girl, cleaning their room is not a priority and is considered boring. Currently my daughter has a big pile of clothes in her room mixed with paper and shoes and school supplies and whatever else she can manage to throw in there. It makes me laugh because she always accuses us of taking something of hers that she usually later finds in the pile.
Just this weekend she told me that she needed new clothes. I told her she didn’t need new clothes and what she needed was to put all her clothes in the pile away. She then told me that those clothes were ugly, again I laughed. It’s her who picked out the ugly clothes and now a month later they are so ugly that she can’t even wear them, I don’t get it. I remember one day I cleaned her room which I find myself doing at least once every two months when I can’t take it anymore. I hung up all her clothes and arranged her dresser as it should be. When she got home from school she came in and was happy that I went clothes shopping for her. I told her I didn’t go shopping but that all that stuff hanging in her closet were all the clothes that were usually in the pile. She was impressed and had forgotten about all the clothes she had. Yeah, I guess on the floor those clothes don’t look as exciting.
Yes, I throw my clothes on the floor too as I mentioned before, but the difference is that within a few days I am hanging mine back up again. I guess when it comes down to it it’s this. We as women are never really happy with our outward appearances. There is always something we can improve. There will always be clothes or shoes that we swear will make us look cuter, makeup that we need to improve our faces, something we can do to make us have a good hair day or whatever the case may be.
We need to realize that we are all beautiful no matter what is hanging in our closet or what our latest lipstick shade is. My mom used to tell me that beauty comes from within, and as always, she was right. So as my daughter complains tomorrow that her life is miserable and she has no clothes, I will ignore her and clean her room, it’s been about two months since I cleaned it last and she will be so happy to rediscover all the clothes she forgot about. That will last for about two days before she’s screaming that phrase out looking through her pile on the floor. I can tell her what my mom told me, but she will probably roll her eyes. One day she will get it and know that what makes us looks pretty on the outside doesn't matter half as much as what makes us pretty on the inside.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Ok, I'm ready for my violation!
Ok, you women are all going to hate me but I have a confession. I have made the well woman checkup appointment and cancelled it for a few years now. I know, I know that is selfish and irresponsible of me, but that is one appointment that I never look forward to...you ladies all know what I mean! Just the fact that I made the appointments was a big step for me, but it seems like I can never follow through.
I know what you are all thinking, that I am avoiding it all because of the mere fact that you're getting felt up and stretched out by a stranger, tottally feeling violated. Add to it that while you are getting violated the person performing the whole procedure talks to you as if you're having a lovely day at lunch together. One minute you are talking about the weather, and the next the lower half of your body is in twilight zone, you can even hear that theme song in your head!
I know that all of it is done for a good reason, but the truth is I am scared. Everytime I go to an OB/GYN I freak myself out . I have thought about it for a while and I think my excuse that I find totally rational is that whenever I go to a medical appointment that isn't some routine hum drum checkup I get nervous. I know in the back of my mind that they are doing some kind of test to look for anything not right. The thing is, I don't want to be not right. I am terrified that they will find something that there is not a cure for like cancer.
There is a new show on cable now that is wonderful and has become one of my all time favorites. The main character finds out she has cancer and decides to forget everything she has been doing and live her life to the fullest with no regrets. Her character is played so wonderfully and she is so brave.
Some of the strongest people in the world are people living with cancer. They go through treatments and so many procedures and they always seem so brave. Honestly, I don't know that I could be as brave and maybe that's why I am scared. Some people may go to only less than a handful of funerals in their lives. Not me. I have been to more funerals than I have ever wanted to. I am not scared of dying one day but I am scared of leaving my family. This is the reason that Frankie convinced me today for the umpteenth time to go. She said if I cared about my family and being here for them that I should go no matter how uncomfortable or scary it all was. She is right. I want to be here for them for as long as I can be so.......I made the appointment.
I confessed to the lady working the appointment desk that it had been a few years. I think her way of geting back at me was finding an appointment this week. She said I could wait till next month if I wanted to and just as I was about to declare her my new BFF for helping me avoid it a few weeks longer, I gave in. I told her to make the appointment for this week. She laughed and jokingly asked..."Are you ready, are you really gonna do it?" I unwillingly said yes, hung up the phone and put in a request for time off from work.
Hmmm...there's still time to cancel....ok, ok I promise I'll go!
I know what you are all thinking, that I am avoiding it all because of the mere fact that you're getting felt up and stretched out by a stranger, tottally feeling violated. Add to it that while you are getting violated the person performing the whole procedure talks to you as if you're having a lovely day at lunch together. One minute you are talking about the weather, and the next the lower half of your body is in twilight zone, you can even hear that theme song in your head!
I know that all of it is done for a good reason, but the truth is I am scared. Everytime I go to an OB/GYN I freak myself out . I have thought about it for a while and I think my excuse that I find totally rational is that whenever I go to a medical appointment that isn't some routine hum drum checkup I get nervous. I know in the back of my mind that they are doing some kind of test to look for anything not right. The thing is, I don't want to be not right. I am terrified that they will find something that there is not a cure for like cancer.
There is a new show on cable now that is wonderful and has become one of my all time favorites. The main character finds out she has cancer and decides to forget everything she has been doing and live her life to the fullest with no regrets. Her character is played so wonderfully and she is so brave.
Some of the strongest people in the world are people living with cancer. They go through treatments and so many procedures and they always seem so brave. Honestly, I don't know that I could be as brave and maybe that's why I am scared. Some people may go to only less than a handful of funerals in their lives. Not me. I have been to more funerals than I have ever wanted to. I am not scared of dying one day but I am scared of leaving my family. This is the reason that Frankie convinced me today for the umpteenth time to go. She said if I cared about my family and being here for them that I should go no matter how uncomfortable or scary it all was. She is right. I want to be here for them for as long as I can be so.......I made the appointment.
I confessed to the lady working the appointment desk that it had been a few years. I think her way of geting back at me was finding an appointment this week. She said I could wait till next month if I wanted to and just as I was about to declare her my new BFF for helping me avoid it a few weeks longer, I gave in. I told her to make the appointment for this week. She laughed and jokingly asked..."Are you ready, are you really gonna do it?" I unwillingly said yes, hung up the phone and put in a request for time off from work.
Hmmm...there's still time to cancel....ok, ok I promise I'll go!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Homesick
Today outside the weather is gloomy and gray. Sometimes I welcome this weather with open arms. Today is different. In a while I will be attending a funeral of a very dear friend of our family and this weather on days such as today makes me sad. Two very beautiful girls are without their daddy and and their mother who is like a sister in my family is without the man that was everything to her. It makes me so sad and breaks my heart for them. The loss of anyone is so hard and it's difficult to go on with with your own life when someone is gone from yours.
It took me a good year to get to the place where I accepted my dad being gone. For so much of his last few years alive he would go on trips to Mazatlan with his friends and stay for a while. The denial of him dying told myself to believe that he was just on a trip. The truth is though that he was on a trip and it was to a destination that would be the most beautiful and I feel in my heart that my dad is in heaven. He is an angel who watches over me and all of our loved ones. I hope that one day I will see him again in heaven standing with all the ones we have lost. Still I wish that he was here with us. Some days I need him so much and I just want to go to where he is buried in Riverside and be there to be close to him.
But then I realize that the body that was once my Father was his shell and through it he showed us all love. Once people are no longer with us they leave their bodies and their souls are what goes to another place. I remember during the week after my dad dies, the funeral home called me at work one day. They called to tell me that my father had been cremated. Suddenly I felt sick and I started crying. He really was gone. I would never see him again. That is when the reality really set in. On the day my dad was buried I was the one who put that little box that carried his ashes into the ground. Once very long ago the ashes in this box was a human body of someone who was my everything. Someone who loved me through good times and bad and who would go to any length to protect me be it from nightmares as a child to a broken heart or anything else I endured. How could that big wonderful man fit in this tiny cardboard box with a number and his name on it. I have heard in life that the hardest thing is letting go and I knew that day that was true. The hardest thing was letting go of that box and putting it in the ground forever.
My dad always said he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes spread in the mountains. This was big for him because he was afraid of heights and it was to be his final resting place, a sort of overcoming of his fears. I feel guilty because as his daughter I did not honor that wish. My way of thinking was that I too, am afraid of heights and throwing what was left of my daddy over the side of a mountain would have been like me throwing this man I loved off something he was so afraid of. I also wanted to have a place where I and others who loved him could go to visit him, I wanted somewhere to go to talk to my dad and find solace on days like today. I hope the angel that is him will understand.
There's a song I listen to that goes like this...
"I close my eyes and I see your face, If home's where my heart is than I'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow, I've never been more homesick than now"
How true those words are.
It took me a good year to get to the place where I accepted my dad being gone. For so much of his last few years alive he would go on trips to Mazatlan with his friends and stay for a while. The denial of him dying told myself to believe that he was just on a trip. The truth is though that he was on a trip and it was to a destination that would be the most beautiful and I feel in my heart that my dad is in heaven. He is an angel who watches over me and all of our loved ones. I hope that one day I will see him again in heaven standing with all the ones we have lost. Still I wish that he was here with us. Some days I need him so much and I just want to go to where he is buried in Riverside and be there to be close to him.
But then I realize that the body that was once my Father was his shell and through it he showed us all love. Once people are no longer with us they leave their bodies and their souls are what goes to another place. I remember during the week after my dad dies, the funeral home called me at work one day. They called to tell me that my father had been cremated. Suddenly I felt sick and I started crying. He really was gone. I would never see him again. That is when the reality really set in. On the day my dad was buried I was the one who put that little box that carried his ashes into the ground. Once very long ago the ashes in this box was a human body of someone who was my everything. Someone who loved me through good times and bad and who would go to any length to protect me be it from nightmares as a child to a broken heart or anything else I endured. How could that big wonderful man fit in this tiny cardboard box with a number and his name on it. I have heard in life that the hardest thing is letting go and I knew that day that was true. The hardest thing was letting go of that box and putting it in the ground forever.
My dad always said he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes spread in the mountains. This was big for him because he was afraid of heights and it was to be his final resting place, a sort of overcoming of his fears. I feel guilty because as his daughter I did not honor that wish. My way of thinking was that I too, am afraid of heights and throwing what was left of my daddy over the side of a mountain would have been like me throwing this man I loved off something he was so afraid of. I also wanted to have a place where I and others who loved him could go to visit him, I wanted somewhere to go to talk to my dad and find solace on days like today. I hope the angel that is him will understand.
There's a song I listen to that goes like this...
"I close my eyes and I see your face, If home's where my heart is than I'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow, I've never been more homesick than now"
How true those words are.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
But Mom...It's Only A Progress Report!!!
Why do parents think that if they bribe their children with some kind of good incentive, the kid will fall exactly into their trap. I guess it's because when I was growing up I loved a good incentive. Back in the 80's when I was in my prime of childhood a good bribe from your parents was usaully worth the hassle of doing whatever it was that made my parents happy.
Somehow I thought that would work with a lot of things with my kids. Ok, Ok don't hate me and say I am a bad parent but I usually bribe the kids with money since I don't pay them for chores. In my house I feel like I should not have to pay them for something that I don't get paid for myself. Cleaning your room or taking out the trash is a given and is expected. I figure that when we go out and they want something, I usually get them something they like so they don't need money that way, not to mention, like most kids if they get $20 it is gone by tomorrow.
I used to tell them when they were younger and played soccer that if they got a goal I would give them $1.00, oh my goodness, that was such a wonderful incentive, but now $1.00 means nothing to them so that incentive for anything doesn't work anymore. I figured their grades could be wonderful if I offered them $20 for every A they got. If I was ever offered that opportunity as a kid I would have been the valedictorian! So the year started out great this year for them ...until today.
I was in meetings most of the day and knew it was bad when there were missed calls and text messages on my cell. Some were from the husband and some from the son. Usually when that happens, they have already had a conversation somehow either by text or phonecall and did not agree. It is then they each call me to tell me their sides. I get so mad around report card time. I know that my kids are smart, but all that seems to go out the door when it comes to school and I cannot for the life of me seem to get them to get the picture. Do they not understand that you actually have to work to get a diploma? That was something in my life that I looked forward to. I wanted to make my parents proud and I know that I did. My mom even got a 16X20 print of me in my cap and gown and proudly displayed it on our living room wall. I think she may even have it up still...love her!
All I want is success for my kids, is that such a bad thing to ask for? Why don't kids get it? So here the kids are with D's and F's and they each have an A. Do you know they had the nerve to ask when they would get their $20. Now usually I would have told them I would have their money to them by the weekend, but this mama is sick and tired of these teenagers. I told them that yeah they got one A each but that those F's cancelled out the A. That did not make them too happy, but I am not their mother to make them happy! Then, they always try to say..."Well, those grades don't count, those are just progress reports". Do they not understand that THERE IS NO PROGRESS!
I cannot seem to drill the importance of graduating from high school to them, and it is wearing me out. A parent can only fight so long but when the kids don't care we wonder why we should. Then we tell ourselves that we do it because we love them and a parent never stops believing in their babies, no matter what. So in the end my kids may not like me and probably call me bad names in their heads for blocking their phones and taking things away but one day they will thank me as they are posing for their 16X20 while wearing their cap and gown...at least I hope so!
Somehow I thought that would work with a lot of things with my kids. Ok, Ok don't hate me and say I am a bad parent but I usually bribe the kids with money since I don't pay them for chores. In my house I feel like I should not have to pay them for something that I don't get paid for myself. Cleaning your room or taking out the trash is a given and is expected. I figure that when we go out and they want something, I usually get them something they like so they don't need money that way, not to mention, like most kids if they get $20 it is gone by tomorrow.
I used to tell them when they were younger and played soccer that if they got a goal I would give them $1.00, oh my goodness, that was such a wonderful incentive, but now $1.00 means nothing to them so that incentive for anything doesn't work anymore. I figured their grades could be wonderful if I offered them $20 for every A they got. If I was ever offered that opportunity as a kid I would have been the valedictorian! So the year started out great this year for them ...until today.
I was in meetings most of the day and knew it was bad when there were missed calls and text messages on my cell. Some were from the husband and some from the son. Usually when that happens, they have already had a conversation somehow either by text or phonecall and did not agree. It is then they each call me to tell me their sides. I get so mad around report card time. I know that my kids are smart, but all that seems to go out the door when it comes to school and I cannot for the life of me seem to get them to get the picture. Do they not understand that you actually have to work to get a diploma? That was something in my life that I looked forward to. I wanted to make my parents proud and I know that I did. My mom even got a 16X20 print of me in my cap and gown and proudly displayed it on our living room wall. I think she may even have it up still...love her!
All I want is success for my kids, is that such a bad thing to ask for? Why don't kids get it? So here the kids are with D's and F's and they each have an A. Do you know they had the nerve to ask when they would get their $20. Now usually I would have told them I would have their money to them by the weekend, but this mama is sick and tired of these teenagers. I told them that yeah they got one A each but that those F's cancelled out the A. That did not make them too happy, but I am not their mother to make them happy! Then, they always try to say..."Well, those grades don't count, those are just progress reports". Do they not understand that THERE IS NO PROGRESS!
I cannot seem to drill the importance of graduating from high school to them, and it is wearing me out. A parent can only fight so long but when the kids don't care we wonder why we should. Then we tell ourselves that we do it because we love them and a parent never stops believing in their babies, no matter what. So in the end my kids may not like me and probably call me bad names in their heads for blocking their phones and taking things away but one day they will thank me as they are posing for their 16X20 while wearing their cap and gown...at least I hope so!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
You Might Need An Umbrella!
When I was younger I used to think life was so hard. My mom made me clean my room just because it was dirty and it wasn't enough that I just gathered up all the junk and threw it either under my bed or in the closet. Then when I got a job, they made me pay $20 a week from my $40 a week job. By the way as the jobs got better, so did the rent increase! I used to always say that when I tuned 18 I was moving out. Why should I have to pay rent at home, they are the ones that chose to have kids, I mean damn-don't charge us!
I smile thinking about those days because now the tables are reversed. I hear myself saying things to my kids that my parents used to say and my kids in turn are saying things that me and my siblings used to say. I fight all the time with my daughter to clean her room, put away her clothes and things that every mother fights with their daughter about. If your kids are under eight years old and you think they are the sweetest kids ever, just wait, it is almost guaranteed that they will become typical kids complaining about how hard they have it. If my kids are without their cell phones for an hour, it becomes the most devaststing thing in the world to them and I hear them pleading with me that they need it and to please give it back, they even promise they will do anything to get it back. It's kind of comical to me. When we were in school and needed to use the phone we went to the office.
Kids don't know how easy they have it, until they grow up. Like my daughter tells me, I used to also tell my parents that I was going to live with them forever, that was before I was a teenager though because then I couldn't wait to get the heck out. I had it all planned out. I was going to get a good job, find a nice little apartment, find love and live a fairytale, then reality happened.
I look back on all the things that seemed so hard when I was younger. Oh how I would give anything just to pay $20 for rent and no utilities. The worries that we had as kids diminish and seem to only grow into bigger worries. I remember growing up how my mom used to worry about things I didn't care about back then. Her and my dad would fight about money and bills and I always secretly thought that my mom was a nag and she should just leave my dad alone. Again, I laugh. I have become the nag magnified by ten that my mother was. At times I am jealous at those women whose husbands take care of everything. Any money that the woman makes they get to keep for themselves. It wasn't the case for my mom and it sure is not the case for me.
As little girls we are handed books where Prince Charming comes to the rescue and takes care of the Princess forever. What we are not told is that in a lot of cases, us women ARE Prince Charming and we are the ones that end up taking care of things. We worry about how things will get done and paid and we are forced to worry about our tomorrows instead of enjoying our todays and we sit there wishing for yesterday. Because women are wired to be the ones to worry, we are labeled as nags or the word that rhymes with snitches. It just doesn't seem fair. Life is so complicated and seems so hard, even newborns aren't happy and think life is complicated. I mean here they were all nice and snug and warm in your stomach and then all too soon they are pushed out into this world where they will only think gets harder with each new day.
There are people who go through their whole life on easy street. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and cry. I thimk that my life could be so many kinds of better, but yet the complications of it all keep me in the place in my life I am now. I count on my tomorrows to bring me brighter rainbows, but sometimes all I find are rain clouds. Nothing is ever promised to us and this thing called life is a challenge. I try to be a good person and do the best I can for my kids and just pray to God they don't resent me for the choices I have made or continue to make, and I pray that they will come out of their childhoods ok. I think of the song my dad used to sing..."Raindrops are fallin on my head". Though there are sometimes raindrops I have to remember the rest of the song...
Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me
Yes life may be complicated but we have to remember that even on what seems like our darkest days, it's never too long before the sun will shine again.
I smile thinking about those days because now the tables are reversed. I hear myself saying things to my kids that my parents used to say and my kids in turn are saying things that me and my siblings used to say. I fight all the time with my daughter to clean her room, put away her clothes and things that every mother fights with their daughter about. If your kids are under eight years old and you think they are the sweetest kids ever, just wait, it is almost guaranteed that they will become typical kids complaining about how hard they have it. If my kids are without their cell phones for an hour, it becomes the most devaststing thing in the world to them and I hear them pleading with me that they need it and to please give it back, they even promise they will do anything to get it back. It's kind of comical to me. When we were in school and needed to use the phone we went to the office.
Kids don't know how easy they have it, until they grow up. Like my daughter tells me, I used to also tell my parents that I was going to live with them forever, that was before I was a teenager though because then I couldn't wait to get the heck out. I had it all planned out. I was going to get a good job, find a nice little apartment, find love and live a fairytale, then reality happened.
I look back on all the things that seemed so hard when I was younger. Oh how I would give anything just to pay $20 for rent and no utilities. The worries that we had as kids diminish and seem to only grow into bigger worries. I remember growing up how my mom used to worry about things I didn't care about back then. Her and my dad would fight about money and bills and I always secretly thought that my mom was a nag and she should just leave my dad alone. Again, I laugh. I have become the nag magnified by ten that my mother was. At times I am jealous at those women whose husbands take care of everything. Any money that the woman makes they get to keep for themselves. It wasn't the case for my mom and it sure is not the case for me.
As little girls we are handed books where Prince Charming comes to the rescue and takes care of the Princess forever. What we are not told is that in a lot of cases, us women ARE Prince Charming and we are the ones that end up taking care of things. We worry about how things will get done and paid and we are forced to worry about our tomorrows instead of enjoying our todays and we sit there wishing for yesterday. Because women are wired to be the ones to worry, we are labeled as nags or the word that rhymes with snitches. It just doesn't seem fair. Life is so complicated and seems so hard, even newborns aren't happy and think life is complicated. I mean here they were all nice and snug and warm in your stomach and then all too soon they are pushed out into this world where they will only think gets harder with each new day.
There are people who go through their whole life on easy street. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and cry. I thimk that my life could be so many kinds of better, but yet the complications of it all keep me in the place in my life I am now. I count on my tomorrows to bring me brighter rainbows, but sometimes all I find are rain clouds. Nothing is ever promised to us and this thing called life is a challenge. I try to be a good person and do the best I can for my kids and just pray to God they don't resent me for the choices I have made or continue to make, and I pray that they will come out of their childhoods ok. I think of the song my dad used to sing..."Raindrops are fallin on my head". Though there are sometimes raindrops I have to remember the rest of the song...
Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me
Yes life may be complicated but we have to remember that even on what seems like our darkest days, it's never too long before the sun will shine again.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
If Today Were My Last Day Alive...
That was the name of the sermon today at my church-Colton First Assembly of God. It's funny, my Pastor seems to be somehow connected to my thoughts or things that I am going through in life. It's as if he knows what I need said to me exactly when I need it, but then again, I know it's God who's speaking through him to me and the many others there in the church. Today he told us what he would do if he knew today was his last day alive. It really stirred my thoughts and touched my heart. He said that nobody is promised five years, five months or even the next five minutes and that nobody knows when their last day will be. How true that is.
Just a few days ago a very dear friend of my family passed away suddenly. It broke a lot of hearts and brought a lot of tears, many of which I know are still flowing. When someone dies we either tell the survivors of that someone or we hear it if we are the survivors that they are in a better place now. While that may be true, it does not help the fact that we wish they were still here with us. It hurts so much to lose someone in our lives. When my Dad died suddenly it all seemed like a bad dream that went so fast. Decisions had to be made, people sent gifts and cards and called to check if I was ok. What do you say when they ask you that? Shouldn't they know that it seems like your world just crashed and has ended? You go through a few days of shock and depression. You play old songs that remind you of them and make you cry over and over. You think it's all helping you to move ahead, but in reality it's bittersweet torture. Each day gets easier and in a sense you know you have to stand up and be strong. It is what your loved one would have wanted and you want to do everything to make them proud.
It has been five years and a few months since my Dad left us here on earth while he passed on to figure out what to do with the rest of our lives. When I was young I knew one day we would all have to die and I told him I was scared that he and my Mom would die one day. He explained to me that everyone had to die one day but that when we did we would all meet again in Heaven if we believed in God and led a good life that would get us to Heaven. He also told me that he would always live in my heart. I know he lives there. I talk to him or think about him every day. The memories of him remain in my heart and my mind and they keep me going when I feel like there's a hole in my heart. Pastor said today that his Mom used to tell he and his siblings that if it should be the last time they see each other to meet her in Heaven on Hallelujah Avenue and Glory Lane, it made me smile.
Sometimes I wonder when my last day on earth will be and I came home today thinking that if today was my last day alive what would I do. Of course I would spend it with my family telling them how much I loved them. I would tell them the same thing that got me through the tough days, that I would live in their hearts forever. I would like to tell them that I would be waiting there for them in Heaven and I would hope that though I have not been a complete saint in my life, that I would at least have done enough good and made God proud enough to let me join him and the ones who have gone before me. I would also tell my family to do good in their lives so they would be promised a place in Heaven too. I spent time with my kids today and sat on the porch while drinking a glass of wine and watching my son and husband play soccer and wrestle together. A few tears fell down my face. Here we are taking our lives for granted and in in another home a young father and husband left earth way too early and won't be here for the many things that mean so much in life. It breaks my heart personally and for all the people who have lost someone.
I get sad and can't help but to wonder what God's plan is for me. Am I in the place where I am meant to be? Should I put on a smile on days I am not happy? We've been faced with the realization that life is too short to be unhappy and to not take life for granted. You never know when your last day alive will be. So I would like to remind you all to find your happiness, show and know love and be where you should spiritually so that one day in another place we'll find each other again on Hallelujah Avenue and Glory Lane.
Just a few days ago a very dear friend of my family passed away suddenly. It broke a lot of hearts and brought a lot of tears, many of which I know are still flowing. When someone dies we either tell the survivors of that someone or we hear it if we are the survivors that they are in a better place now. While that may be true, it does not help the fact that we wish they were still here with us. It hurts so much to lose someone in our lives. When my Dad died suddenly it all seemed like a bad dream that went so fast. Decisions had to be made, people sent gifts and cards and called to check if I was ok. What do you say when they ask you that? Shouldn't they know that it seems like your world just crashed and has ended? You go through a few days of shock and depression. You play old songs that remind you of them and make you cry over and over. You think it's all helping you to move ahead, but in reality it's bittersweet torture. Each day gets easier and in a sense you know you have to stand up and be strong. It is what your loved one would have wanted and you want to do everything to make them proud.
It has been five years and a few months since my Dad left us here on earth while he passed on to figure out what to do with the rest of our lives. When I was young I knew one day we would all have to die and I told him I was scared that he and my Mom would die one day. He explained to me that everyone had to die one day but that when we did we would all meet again in Heaven if we believed in God and led a good life that would get us to Heaven. He also told me that he would always live in my heart. I know he lives there. I talk to him or think about him every day. The memories of him remain in my heart and my mind and they keep me going when I feel like there's a hole in my heart. Pastor said today that his Mom used to tell he and his siblings that if it should be the last time they see each other to meet her in Heaven on Hallelujah Avenue and Glory Lane, it made me smile.
Sometimes I wonder when my last day on earth will be and I came home today thinking that if today was my last day alive what would I do. Of course I would spend it with my family telling them how much I loved them. I would tell them the same thing that got me through the tough days, that I would live in their hearts forever. I would like to tell them that I would be waiting there for them in Heaven and I would hope that though I have not been a complete saint in my life, that I would at least have done enough good and made God proud enough to let me join him and the ones who have gone before me. I would also tell my family to do good in their lives so they would be promised a place in Heaven too. I spent time with my kids today and sat on the porch while drinking a glass of wine and watching my son and husband play soccer and wrestle together. A few tears fell down my face. Here we are taking our lives for granted and in in another home a young father and husband left earth way too early and won't be here for the many things that mean so much in life. It breaks my heart personally and for all the people who have lost someone.
I get sad and can't help but to wonder what God's plan is for me. Am I in the place where I am meant to be? Should I put on a smile on days I am not happy? We've been faced with the realization that life is too short to be unhappy and to not take life for granted. You never know when your last day alive will be. So I would like to remind you all to find your happiness, show and know love and be where you should spiritually so that one day in another place we'll find each other again on Hallelujah Avenue and Glory Lane.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Don't Cry For Me Effin Mina!
So tonight I was getting ready to cook dinner when low and behold a fight broke out. You know the usual every other day occurence in my all kinds of crazy. How did it start, what was it about, I don't even remember and honestly I can't say I care. Sometimes when Mommies and Daddies fight, one of them does or says something to get back at the other, you know to really make them mad, like red hot. Tonight it was his turn...and do you know what he said??? It went something like this..."You can just cook for you and the kids, I am not eating what you make!!!" Now, I would like to play good little wifey and confess to you that my heart was broken...but you know I would be lying!
So what did I do? I really piled on the wonderful dinner mode. Usually my lazy ass will try to make something once or twice a week, but dinner, brownies and mexican chocolate are a rare or special kind of occasion. Don't tell me you don't want my dinner, but he did and it was his loss. It was kind of fun to watch him look through the fridge to find something to nuke in the microwave while my dinner was steaming hot on the stove and it smelled so good.
As I was cooking, I started to think of the Madonna movie version of Evita. I love, love that movie and every few days the soundtrack may even pop up on Frankie's Ipod at work. Suddenly while stirring my mashed potatoes I started humming "Don't cry for me Argentina". Then I started to giggle and changed the words to...Don't cook for me effin Mina, the truth is I've never loved you. Hmmm, I may have a new song here!
Why do men think that they will always have one over on us? Why do they think that they are smarter than us and what they do will make us more mad? Sometimes men forget how we can and usually win. I know somone who asked a friend for a "loan". My friend was actually going to try and grant the loan until just recently when my friend witnessed what a real jerk that person was to other people and she decided...um no! The movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding" had a line that I also love and have used...it was this..."He may be the head, but I'm the neck that turns the head"...omg, so true!
I don't care if you eat what I cook, take my car without my permission, or whatever else all you men out there do to try and spite me or my girls out there. Uh-oh I think I sense a bitch fest coming up right.....now! Here are things that men do that drive me (and I'm sure some of you) crazy....
-I hate it when I come home from a long day of work, take off my shoes and start to relax and then as if to make you feel guilty, your man starts cleaning the house-not to mention he threw my shoes in the closet..c'mon, they will get scuff marks, be careful with those.
-I hate it when I put gas in my car to last for a few days and then my car comes back needing more, can't you be nice and refill the tank?
-I hate it when men brag about how awesome they are.
-I hate it when office men think every female is a secretary!"
-I hate it when I get up in the middle of the night to find that his car windows are rolled down and some of the doors in the house are unlocked.
-I hate it when men have to show how smart they are by being a damn jerk.
-I hate it when men try to help you and then in the end you have to do it over because they lost interest or did not do it right.
-I hate how men think it's wonderful that their son is oogling a cute girl, but when their daughter becomes boy crazy the girl gets yelled at for oogling!
-I hate how men don't give a crap about your day at work and which friends hate you at the moment conversation but then we are supposed to care when they are happy over a touchdown!
Oh my gosh the list could go on forever, it really could, but I am sooo tired. Um, yeah, he may not have eaten my wonderful dinner...but I am sleeping in the livingroom...uh-oh, he done pissed me off now!
So what did I do? I really piled on the wonderful dinner mode. Usually my lazy ass will try to make something once or twice a week, but dinner, brownies and mexican chocolate are a rare or special kind of occasion. Don't tell me you don't want my dinner, but he did and it was his loss. It was kind of fun to watch him look through the fridge to find something to nuke in the microwave while my dinner was steaming hot on the stove and it smelled so good.
As I was cooking, I started to think of the Madonna movie version of Evita. I love, love that movie and every few days the soundtrack may even pop up on Frankie's Ipod at work. Suddenly while stirring my mashed potatoes I started humming "Don't cry for me Argentina". Then I started to giggle and changed the words to...Don't cook for me effin Mina, the truth is I've never loved you. Hmmm, I may have a new song here!
Why do men think that they will always have one over on us? Why do they think that they are smarter than us and what they do will make us more mad? Sometimes men forget how we can and usually win. I know somone who asked a friend for a "loan". My friend was actually going to try and grant the loan until just recently when my friend witnessed what a real jerk that person was to other people and she decided...um no! The movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding" had a line that I also love and have used...it was this..."He may be the head, but I'm the neck that turns the head"...omg, so true!
I don't care if you eat what I cook, take my car without my permission, or whatever else all you men out there do to try and spite me or my girls out there. Uh-oh I think I sense a bitch fest coming up right.....now! Here are things that men do that drive me (and I'm sure some of you) crazy....
-I hate it when I come home from a long day of work, take off my shoes and start to relax and then as if to make you feel guilty, your man starts cleaning the house-not to mention he threw my shoes in the closet..c'mon, they will get scuff marks, be careful with those.
-I hate it when I put gas in my car to last for a few days and then my car comes back needing more, can't you be nice and refill the tank?
-I hate it when men brag about how awesome they are.
-I hate it when office men think every female is a secretary!"
-I hate it when I get up in the middle of the night to find that his car windows are rolled down and some of the doors in the house are unlocked.
-I hate it when men have to show how smart they are by being a damn jerk.
-I hate it when men try to help you and then in the end you have to do it over because they lost interest or did not do it right.
-I hate how men think it's wonderful that their son is oogling a cute girl, but when their daughter becomes boy crazy the girl gets yelled at for oogling!
-I hate how men don't give a crap about your day at work and which friends hate you at the moment conversation but then we are supposed to care when they are happy over a touchdown!
Oh my gosh the list could go on forever, it really could, but I am sooo tired. Um, yeah, he may not have eaten my wonderful dinner...but I am sleeping in the livingroom...uh-oh, he done pissed me off now!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The What If's Fill My Mind...
I read a story recently in a magazine of a woman who had a fairytale romance when she was younger and lived in Paris. He was the perfect guy and it was everything every girl dreams of. Then she moved back to the United States, got a great job, met a wonderful guy and so began their life together and she forgot all about that perfect guy in France...sort of. Yes, she was happy in her new life, but in the back of her mind remained the question...what if. What if she would have married Mr. Wonderful in Paris, how would her life turn out. So the story went that her friend went on a vacation with her own husband and found Mr. Wonderful Paris. It turns out he was married with about four kids living in a cozy house in the country. They had a normal life, but nothing more than what her friend had found . She called and reported back to her friend about the normalness, regular life her what if man had, and her friend was happy.
I think that everyone has some kind of what if question that they continually push to the back of their minds and every so often the what if sneaks back into your mind to the point where it makes you go crazy with wonder.
There's this person I knew...
Her name was Melinda. Her boyfriend was Daniel. Melinda's best friend was Morgan. Daniel's best friend was named Gavin. Melinda and Daniel decided that Morgan and Gavin were lonely and maybe they would like each other, so they set them up. It worked. It worked so well that their relationship outlasted Melinda's and Daniel's. Morgan and Gavin were going strong until Gavin's job forced him to move to another state. It didn't matter to them though, they were in love and they would survive this since Morgan couldn't go with him. For a while it worked...but only for a while. Gavin was working hard to save money and come back and make a life for both of them. Morgan though was going through her own changes and it was hard to be away from him.
Finally, Gavin came back, but then Morgan told him that things had changed and she had fallen out of love with him. Gavin was so heartbroken, he really loved Morgan. He needed a friend but the only one he knew of or had left was Morgan's friend Melinda, the one who set them up. As it turned out, Melinda was lonely too and also needed a friend. Gavin and Melinda became the best of friends. They could tell each other anything. They could hang out and watch movies, they could lay on the couch like a couple would with no feelings attached. One day while Melinda and Gavin were decorating his house for Christmas they had a pillow fight. Suddenly though the fun turned into a romantic tv moment and they shared a kiss. It was awkward at first but then they both realized as the days passed that they had feelings for each other. They took things really slow but livingroom cuddles never moved to the bedroom
Soon Melinda started to feel guilty. Though her and Morgan didn't hang out much anymore, she did feel a sesnse of loyalty to her friend and this person she wanted more with was in love with her friend at one time. It was too Jerry Springer-ish.
On a night out a few weeks later Melinda met Kevin and it was instant love. He was handsome, dressed up every day and was never in love with any of her friends. Melinda felt guilty about Gavin, but they never did anything and Gavin was still like her big brother or her best buddy, and he was always so laid back . She finally told Gavin and he was crushed, but what's done was done and Melinda moved on in life with Kevin. It was a life that was less than perfect and every so often her what if came into her realm of thinking. Where was Gavin now and what if....
What if's will make you crazy. I have a what if and I am sure you do too. As much as I think about my what if, I then start to think that if I had the what if's the for sure's in my life right now would not be the same. Only a few people in life have the perfect life, but even for the perfect one's what we think is so great, there is something they are wondering what if about.
So...what if... It is something I will forever wonder....will you?
I think that everyone has some kind of what if question that they continually push to the back of their minds and every so often the what if sneaks back into your mind to the point where it makes you go crazy with wonder.
There's this person I knew...
Her name was Melinda. Her boyfriend was Daniel. Melinda's best friend was Morgan. Daniel's best friend was named Gavin. Melinda and Daniel decided that Morgan and Gavin were lonely and maybe they would like each other, so they set them up. It worked. It worked so well that their relationship outlasted Melinda's and Daniel's. Morgan and Gavin were going strong until Gavin's job forced him to move to another state. It didn't matter to them though, they were in love and they would survive this since Morgan couldn't go with him. For a while it worked...but only for a while. Gavin was working hard to save money and come back and make a life for both of them. Morgan though was going through her own changes and it was hard to be away from him.
Finally, Gavin came back, but then Morgan told him that things had changed and she had fallen out of love with him. Gavin was so heartbroken, he really loved Morgan. He needed a friend but the only one he knew of or had left was Morgan's friend Melinda, the one who set them up. As it turned out, Melinda was lonely too and also needed a friend. Gavin and Melinda became the best of friends. They could tell each other anything. They could hang out and watch movies, they could lay on the couch like a couple would with no feelings attached. One day while Melinda and Gavin were decorating his house for Christmas they had a pillow fight. Suddenly though the fun turned into a romantic tv moment and they shared a kiss. It was awkward at first but then they both realized as the days passed that they had feelings for each other. They took things really slow but livingroom cuddles never moved to the bedroom
Soon Melinda started to feel guilty. Though her and Morgan didn't hang out much anymore, she did feel a sesnse of loyalty to her friend and this person she wanted more with was in love with her friend at one time. It was too Jerry Springer-ish.
On a night out a few weeks later Melinda met Kevin and it was instant love. He was handsome, dressed up every day and was never in love with any of her friends. Melinda felt guilty about Gavin, but they never did anything and Gavin was still like her big brother or her best buddy, and he was always so laid back . She finally told Gavin and he was crushed, but what's done was done and Melinda moved on in life with Kevin. It was a life that was less than perfect and every so often her what if came into her realm of thinking. Where was Gavin now and what if....
What if's will make you crazy. I have a what if and I am sure you do too. As much as I think about my what if, I then start to think that if I had the what if's the for sure's in my life right now would not be the same. Only a few people in life have the perfect life, but even for the perfect one's what we think is so great, there is something they are wondering what if about.
So...what if... It is something I will forever wonder....will you?
Monday, October 4, 2010
Where Did The Time Go?
Today I saw a picture of my son with a girl. They were standing together. But unlike all the pictures up to this point where a girl next to him was just a friend, I got the feeling that times are changing. This week my baby boy who just yesterday was a an eight pound baby sleeping upon my dad's chest turns 16. I'd like to say, where did the time go, but I can't. Each day that passes is another day of our lives that we mostly take for granted. Then, years from now we seem to ask ourselves that question...where did the time go.
Time with kids goes in cycles. At first they are born, your little babies are here. You love them and love the attention of the new baby. Then the novelty wears off and reality sets in. You lose sleep because they won't sleep through the night. You wish they could walk so you wouldn't have to carry them. You wish they could tak so they could tell you what is wrong with them. Then all of it happens and they start to drive you crazy. They sleep through the night then make you late because they don't want to get up. They walk and get into everything. They start talking and become a human motor mouth and you just want to tell them to shut up. That's when you start to wish for the easier days of when they were babies.
The teen years come and they are messed up. Life with a teen is a total wild card and you never know what you are going to get on any given day. I have a boy and a girl and I have to say that boys are less drama but nonetheless not completely drama free. My son is caring and loving and tells his sister to behave when she is all kinds of crazy. All it takes though is one thing to set him off. If he asks us for one thing that he can't have and for some crazy reason we say no, he gets all kinds of crazy and suddenly the mom he just told he loves is his worst enemy all of a sudden. With him though, he walks away and is better within minutes...and I cannot say the same for my daughter.
She is like me but a mini version. If I am mad about something, so is she. I could be mad at the lady in Wal-Mart for forgetting to scan the water at the bottom of my basket even though I reminded her five times and my daughter will go on and on about how Wal-Mart is stupid. I can say things like..."I hope your dad remembers to pay the gas bill" and she will remind him for me. She worries like me, has a temper like me and is strong like me. I must admit, my daughter is bad ass and is down for her mama and I love that about her but her name should have been drama, but perhaps that is just what comes with being a teenager.
I remember being a teenager and being in love with boys that did not even know I existed. I remember not liking my parents and hating stupid things that they did even though now, they sound funny and are things I would probably do with my own kids. For example when I would be outside with friends and my mom wanted me to come inside she would never come and tell me, that would make her look dumb. Instead she just flicked the light on and off to annoy the hell out of me...it worked. My parents would sing on microphones to Elvis and Patsy Cline on this big homemade Karaoke type thing we called Big Bertha. I can still hear my mom's voice ringing in my ears...." IIIIIIIII faaaaaallllll tooooooo pieeeeeeeeces"..oh mama you did love you some Patsy! These are things I would probably do with my kids and looking back, I know my parents were just trying to cope with the teenage years and keep from going crazy...just like us now.
I try and get through each day as a good parent and I try to be understanding. I pray a lot for God to give me strength to handle it all and so far so good. I am constantly crossing my fingers and hoping for the best for them and the decisions they will make that shape their lives. It's funny because I know my mom is still praying for our decisions and that we make the right ones even though we are all far from our teen years. I guess I just have to realize that life belongs to those that live it. You can't tell me how to live my life and I can't tell you how to live yours, even though we may try. It's funny how life works out sometimes. When you are young your parents get on your nerves. Then you get old and you wish you could go back to the days of crawling up in between your mom and dad like you did when you were little and had nightmares. You have kids of your own who try to pull all the things you used to try and get away with. You vow to raise your kids differently than how your parents raised you, but all of it goes out the window and you realize you are just like your parents.
I doubt that will be the last girl my son takes a picture with. I know that love will come and go for each of my kids. I am sure there will be emotional messes, heartbreak, tears and happiness as well. I am ready for all of it and I will be here waiting. armed with the two phrases that will make them feel better...I love you and It will be Okay...just like my mama and daddy did for me. Yet still we wonder...where did the time go...
Time with kids goes in cycles. At first they are born, your little babies are here. You love them and love the attention of the new baby. Then the novelty wears off and reality sets in. You lose sleep because they won't sleep through the night. You wish they could walk so you wouldn't have to carry them. You wish they could tak so they could tell you what is wrong with them. Then all of it happens and they start to drive you crazy. They sleep through the night then make you late because they don't want to get up. They walk and get into everything. They start talking and become a human motor mouth and you just want to tell them to shut up. That's when you start to wish for the easier days of when they were babies.
The teen years come and they are messed up. Life with a teen is a total wild card and you never know what you are going to get on any given day. I have a boy and a girl and I have to say that boys are less drama but nonetheless not completely drama free. My son is caring and loving and tells his sister to behave when she is all kinds of crazy. All it takes though is one thing to set him off. If he asks us for one thing that he can't have and for some crazy reason we say no, he gets all kinds of crazy and suddenly the mom he just told he loves is his worst enemy all of a sudden. With him though, he walks away and is better within minutes...and I cannot say the same for my daughter.
She is like me but a mini version. If I am mad about something, so is she. I could be mad at the lady in Wal-Mart for forgetting to scan the water at the bottom of my basket even though I reminded her five times and my daughter will go on and on about how Wal-Mart is stupid. I can say things like..."I hope your dad remembers to pay the gas bill" and she will remind him for me. She worries like me, has a temper like me and is strong like me. I must admit, my daughter is bad ass and is down for her mama and I love that about her but her name should have been drama, but perhaps that is just what comes with being a teenager.
I remember being a teenager and being in love with boys that did not even know I existed. I remember not liking my parents and hating stupid things that they did even though now, they sound funny and are things I would probably do with my own kids. For example when I would be outside with friends and my mom wanted me to come inside she would never come and tell me, that would make her look dumb. Instead she just flicked the light on and off to annoy the hell out of me...it worked. My parents would sing on microphones to Elvis and Patsy Cline on this big homemade Karaoke type thing we called Big Bertha. I can still hear my mom's voice ringing in my ears...." IIIIIIIII faaaaaallllll tooooooo pieeeeeeeeces"..oh mama you did love you some Patsy! These are things I would probably do with my kids and looking back, I know my parents were just trying to cope with the teenage years and keep from going crazy...just like us now.
I try and get through each day as a good parent and I try to be understanding. I pray a lot for God to give me strength to handle it all and so far so good. I am constantly crossing my fingers and hoping for the best for them and the decisions they will make that shape their lives. It's funny because I know my mom is still praying for our decisions and that we make the right ones even though we are all far from our teen years. I guess I just have to realize that life belongs to those that live it. You can't tell me how to live my life and I can't tell you how to live yours, even though we may try. It's funny how life works out sometimes. When you are young your parents get on your nerves. Then you get old and you wish you could go back to the days of crawling up in between your mom and dad like you did when you were little and had nightmares. You have kids of your own who try to pull all the things you used to try and get away with. You vow to raise your kids differently than how your parents raised you, but all of it goes out the window and you realize you are just like your parents.
I doubt that will be the last girl my son takes a picture with. I know that love will come and go for each of my kids. I am sure there will be emotional messes, heartbreak, tears and happiness as well. I am ready for all of it and I will be here waiting. armed with the two phrases that will make them feel better...I love you and It will be Okay...just like my mama and daddy did for me. Yet still we wonder...where did the time go...
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