We have all heard the saying that life is like a rollercoaster. When you think about it it's really so true. We have our ups and our downs and sometimes we travel on a straight path knowing a curve is just ahead.
Each one of us are on our own personal rollercoaster because not one of our lives are exactly the same. Tonight I was sitting in the mall and I was just watching the people that walked by. It's funny to think that we don't know these people and will probably never see them again. They are all living their lives somewhere in this world on their own rollercoaster.
As I sat and watched, I saw couples looking so happy, just starting out and older couples content just to be with each other. I saw teenagers holding bags of clothes and beauty products and I remembered when I was their age. Back then I thought I had my whole life ahead of me and I was eager to begin fulfilling my dreams. I wonder what their dreams are. I wonder if life turned out how people wished it would, did they find love, are they alone, do they have kids? Are they happy?
As I walk past people sitting on the benches people watching I wonder if they are thinking all these things about me. I wonder what they would think if they knew my story. I wonder what they would tell me if they knew I was waiting for just the right time to give someone paperwork that will end our marriage. I wonder what they would think of me if they knew I had my own private suite at casita cocina because I am happier there than with someone I have spent more than half of my life with. I wonder what they would think of my kids, how I make a living or how I gave up my dreams because I stopped believing I could achieve them.
Yes life is a strange roller coaster. If I had to tell you where my roller coaster were at right now I would have to say that I am at a peak waiting to fall. It seems as if my rollercoaster is moving full speed ahead right now. The things I am about to do in my life will change our family dynamic and this is why it feels I am about to go down a steep hill on my rollercaster. I imagine once the paperwork is given and we are in a place where we can be ourselves and learn who we are again it will be the best part of my rollercoaster, though I can't speak for anyone else and their coasters. My climb to take me to the top of the rollercoaster may be the peak of my life but the the lowest point of anothers.
Forrest Gump said life is like a box of chocolates because you never know what you're going to get. This is also true. We have all these hopes and plans for our futures and what we will do and who we will choose to go through life with never really knowing if our choice will be right or wrong. Some people stay together forever and some just can't go on. No matter how much you hold on there is never a right time to let go and there will always be at least one person who isn't happy about our decisions. There are times I think that I didn't sign up for this and yet here I am and then the two words I am sure many of us have used...Why Me?
I guess the answer to that would be that the tribulations we go through only make us stronger and shapes us to become better people in life. There is a song on KSGN that says "What if trials in our life are our blessings in disguise." Yes, what if? I'm working my way through the trials and praying they are my blessings in disguise.
Now let me close my eyes. I hear the ticking of my rollercoaster about to take me somewhere I have never been...
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I Will...
I am on official vacation until next Tuesday. I have a list of things that I I want to accomplish in these six days off and yet I know that maybe half of those will actually get done. 2012 is quickly approaching and with that my list seems even more urgent. There are things that I need to do but I am as my kids would say...lagging. Why I am I lagging? That's a good question that weighs on my mind each day. There is one thing in my life that needs to get done in order for me to purge other things out of my life and move forward but it's hard.
I ask myself why I can't I just get this done and the answer I always come up with is time. Time holds me back. It isn't a matter of I never have enough time it's a matter of past time. Memories and good days suspended in time. I can't get past time even though I need to. It used to be that my holdup was posessions until my great BFF Frankie told me that those are just things and they don't make any difference if they are not making you happy. So, I made the decision to purge things that don't make me happy, if only purging people were as easy.
I walk around the house and more and more I feel like I don't belong here. I used to marvel at my house and look forward to picking out paint colors for all the rooms. It seems though that a house is just a house if the people in it don't think of it as a home. As people stopped caring about it so did I and now I just don't. Don't get me wrong I mean I am grateful for the experience of owning a home and having a place to live but now I just want to walk away, and I will.
I envision myself in a place that is mine. Well, let me rephrase that. I want a place that belongs to someone else that is not mine. I want to be able to call someone if water falls into my livingroom when it rains and not have to pay for it. I want to never own another home again unless of course I become an uber rich novelist who can afford the moneypit of owning a home. I want to be able to decorate how I want without hearing it looks gaudy or cluttered. I want to have a place I can come home to and be at peace. I am leaving unhappiness in 2011 even though I know it won't be easy.
At 21 I lost myself and became someone I had to to get to where I am now. It's been 18 years and I know in my heart I cannot get to 19. Jennifer Lopez has a wonderful new CD and on it is a song that I replay over and over again. In it she says "I can feel it getting colder, I'm afraid of starting over." This is me. While I glamorize the whole my place thing in my head I also get freaked out that my credit is about to hit rock bottom because of me leaving this money pit soon, and then of course there comes the feelings that are wrapped around my heart.
I keep telling myself that I am strong and that nothing in life is ever easy. While things in my life may be hard to handle I know I can and will get through it somehow, some way. In 1993 I became who I am but in 2012 I want to be who I was then. The person who was fun and bubbly and had a passion for writing and dreams that my writing would become known to all and that when people see me they see how happy I am. Now all I need to do is to get there, and I think I will.
I ask myself why I can't I just get this done and the answer I always come up with is time. Time holds me back. It isn't a matter of I never have enough time it's a matter of past time. Memories and good days suspended in time. I can't get past time even though I need to. It used to be that my holdup was posessions until my great BFF Frankie told me that those are just things and they don't make any difference if they are not making you happy. So, I made the decision to purge things that don't make me happy, if only purging people were as easy.
I walk around the house and more and more I feel like I don't belong here. I used to marvel at my house and look forward to picking out paint colors for all the rooms. It seems though that a house is just a house if the people in it don't think of it as a home. As people stopped caring about it so did I and now I just don't. Don't get me wrong I mean I am grateful for the experience of owning a home and having a place to live but now I just want to walk away, and I will.
I envision myself in a place that is mine. Well, let me rephrase that. I want a place that belongs to someone else that is not mine. I want to be able to call someone if water falls into my livingroom when it rains and not have to pay for it. I want to never own another home again unless of course I become an uber rich novelist who can afford the moneypit of owning a home. I want to be able to decorate how I want without hearing it looks gaudy or cluttered. I want to have a place I can come home to and be at peace. I am leaving unhappiness in 2011 even though I know it won't be easy.
At 21 I lost myself and became someone I had to to get to where I am now. It's been 18 years and I know in my heart I cannot get to 19. Jennifer Lopez has a wonderful new CD and on it is a song that I replay over and over again. In it she says "I can feel it getting colder, I'm afraid of starting over." This is me. While I glamorize the whole my place thing in my head I also get freaked out that my credit is about to hit rock bottom because of me leaving this money pit soon, and then of course there comes the feelings that are wrapped around my heart.
I keep telling myself that I am strong and that nothing in life is ever easy. While things in my life may be hard to handle I know I can and will get through it somehow, some way. In 1993 I became who I am but in 2012 I want to be who I was then. The person who was fun and bubbly and had a passion for writing and dreams that my writing would become known to all and that when people see me they see how happy I am. Now all I need to do is to get there, and I think I will.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry End of 2011!
It is Christmas Eve and I am ok to say that I am pretty sure that I am done shopping. If I have forgotten anybody they will have to accept my apologies because I am just done fighting crowds. This year I am the grinch and people and shopping are just not my friends this year. I am tired of standing in lines, hearing kids screaming and for the first time ever I think even Christmas music. I just want KSGN and 103.5 back without hearing jingle bells or hearing how Santa is making a list and checkin it twice...go ahead Santa, I don't care!
Usually I enjoy shopping and wrapping and baking but this year it seems like it has been forced. I thought it was just me with all the crazy that has gone on in my life this year but I have heard so many others say that it just came too fast and no on eis really in the mood...ecept those retailers! While I was in line at Walmart I started to see signs of Valentine's day and Christmas and New Year's decor was all a thing of the past and already on clearance. What the heck? I mean I guess I can understand about Christmas but let's get through New Year's before we talk about Valentine's day...seriously!
I have things left to bake, presents left to wrap and classic movies to watch on TV. I am staying at home and not going to that side of the familes house, though I am sure I won't be missed as usually the only question they are concerned about asking me is...ARE YOU WORKING? Really, when have I not? Perhaps I will go to my side of the family later on and celebrate all that is to come in the new year...whatever it may be.
Tomorrow the kids will open their presents and we will all go our separate ways once again. If Santa comes down my chimney tonight he will wake me up now because since last year the front room has been converted to my own little suite...yes, things are very different this year.
But I know that for a lot of people this is a happy time and so as to not depress you all too much I would just like to say Merry Christmas. I hope that you all have a wonderful time with all of your families and friends and will make memories that will last a lifetime. Thank you all for another year of being in my life either in person or on my beloved facebook. May 2012 bring all that you are hoping for as I am hoping it will do the same for me.
Usually I enjoy shopping and wrapping and baking but this year it seems like it has been forced. I thought it was just me with all the crazy that has gone on in my life this year but I have heard so many others say that it just came too fast and no on eis really in the mood...ecept those retailers! While I was in line at Walmart I started to see signs of Valentine's day and Christmas and New Year's decor was all a thing of the past and already on clearance. What the heck? I mean I guess I can understand about Christmas but let's get through New Year's before we talk about Valentine's day...seriously!
I have things left to bake, presents left to wrap and classic movies to watch on TV. I am staying at home and not going to that side of the familes house, though I am sure I won't be missed as usually the only question they are concerned about asking me is...ARE YOU WORKING? Really, when have I not? Perhaps I will go to my side of the family later on and celebrate all that is to come in the new year...whatever it may be.
Tomorrow the kids will open their presents and we will all go our separate ways once again. If Santa comes down my chimney tonight he will wake me up now because since last year the front room has been converted to my own little suite...yes, things are very different this year.
But I know that for a lot of people this is a happy time and so as to not depress you all too much I would just like to say Merry Christmas. I hope that you all have a wonderful time with all of your families and friends and will make memories that will last a lifetime. Thank you all for another year of being in my life either in person or on my beloved facebook. May 2012 bring all that you are hoping for as I am hoping it will do the same for me.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Just End Already!!!!
The other day I was at WalMart and they are already clearancing a lot of the Christmas items. Ok, I know I am slow and will barely begin to Christmas shop this week, but hellooooo Christmas is not even over and already I have a limited selection of Christmas cards I can choose from because now they are on some special here's what we have left shelf! Something is just not right.
I am not in the mood to bake because of a kitchen situation (hmm that has multiple meanings with my last name) and no one even talked of a real live Christmas tree so I just took out the 5 feet fake one and put it on a table to make it look like something grand.
No matter how much I try, I just cannot get into the spirit of Christmas this year and there are so many excuses and reasons I can think of but if you are a follower of my blog you know them all by heart. The truth is I just want this year to be over, I have so many plans for 2012, it's like the promise of a new tomorrow. I have been prolonging something for almost two months now and in my heart each day I know I need to just get it over with, why drag it on any longer, there will never be a good time to say goodbye.
2012 is going to bring me back to something I forgot about a long time ago. I am going to find myself again. I am going to indulge in all the things I used to love to do before life got too complicated. I am going to be at peace with myself though I am sure there will be a select few who will wish anything but peace upon me then. If you think I'm cute now, wait till you see me after I get back to what I used to be.
But with 2012 will also come things like Ant's graduation and me turning 40, Adri turning sweet 16-though sometimes she's more like a sour 16 and let's not forget that the Mayan calendar will end...OMG! For all of you believers of that you better get right with God now! Look people... look at our calendar right now...it's about to end too and you know what happens after that? A new one begins-stop freaking out-seriously!
I have so many hopes for 2012 yet so much of 2011 and prior will follow me for sure and I know it won't be easy. But through it all I know that with God all things are possible and I can do this, though one might say I am a sissy la la, I am in a way.
I wish the reminders of Christmas would go away like the crazy Christmas music, the happy inflatable snowman in the neighbor's yard and stupid commercials telling me how many days I have left to shop. I mean who are they to tell me how long I have to shop? Don't we buy things all the time for the kids and around the house? Why do we have to get them all these things for one day that goes as quickly as it came. In sunday school this past week I broke down the word Christmas like this...CHRIST MAS. If you speak spanish you will know that Mas means more so if you look at it that way we should be thinking about CHRIST more...think about it.
There are 12 days till Christmas. Stop running around in a frenzy trying to find the perfect gift, there really is no such thing. Kids will never be truly satisfied no matter how much we try. Oh and they should do a follow up to those commercials where a husband buys his wife a Lexus for Christmas where now she has this added bill to pay for the next 3-5 years!
It has gotten to be too commercialized and I am just not in the mood,,,Bah Humbug for me! I guess I am just looking forward to New Year's Eve and the year that I will find ME again.
I am not in the mood to bake because of a kitchen situation (hmm that has multiple meanings with my last name) and no one even talked of a real live Christmas tree so I just took out the 5 feet fake one and put it on a table to make it look like something grand.
No matter how much I try, I just cannot get into the spirit of Christmas this year and there are so many excuses and reasons I can think of but if you are a follower of my blog you know them all by heart. The truth is I just want this year to be over, I have so many plans for 2012, it's like the promise of a new tomorrow. I have been prolonging something for almost two months now and in my heart each day I know I need to just get it over with, why drag it on any longer, there will never be a good time to say goodbye.
2012 is going to bring me back to something I forgot about a long time ago. I am going to find myself again. I am going to indulge in all the things I used to love to do before life got too complicated. I am going to be at peace with myself though I am sure there will be a select few who will wish anything but peace upon me then. If you think I'm cute now, wait till you see me after I get back to what I used to be.
But with 2012 will also come things like Ant's graduation and me turning 40, Adri turning sweet 16-though sometimes she's more like a sour 16 and let's not forget that the Mayan calendar will end...OMG! For all of you believers of that you better get right with God now! Look people... look at our calendar right now...it's about to end too and you know what happens after that? A new one begins-stop freaking out-seriously!
I have so many hopes for 2012 yet so much of 2011 and prior will follow me for sure and I know it won't be easy. But through it all I know that with God all things are possible and I can do this, though one might say I am a sissy la la, I am in a way.
I wish the reminders of Christmas would go away like the crazy Christmas music, the happy inflatable snowman in the neighbor's yard and stupid commercials telling me how many days I have left to shop. I mean who are they to tell me how long I have to shop? Don't we buy things all the time for the kids and around the house? Why do we have to get them all these things for one day that goes as quickly as it came. In sunday school this past week I broke down the word Christmas like this...CHRIST MAS. If you speak spanish you will know that Mas means more so if you look at it that way we should be thinking about CHRIST more...think about it.
There are 12 days till Christmas. Stop running around in a frenzy trying to find the perfect gift, there really is no such thing. Kids will never be truly satisfied no matter how much we try. Oh and they should do a follow up to those commercials where a husband buys his wife a Lexus for Christmas where now she has this added bill to pay for the next 3-5 years!
It has gotten to be too commercialized and I am just not in the mood,,,Bah Humbug for me! I guess I am just looking forward to New Year's Eve and the year that I will find ME again.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas...But Why?
In about two weeks Christmas will be here. Usually around this time I am finishing up wrapping the last of the presents and finishing some scarves I have crocheted while listening to Christmas music. This year it's just different. My life is uncertain right now which means so is everything else and Christmas while coming fast is not really a priority on my list but more of an obligation.
I would be a terrible mother if I didn't get anything for the kids, so I know I will be shopping all next week to catch up. It isn't that I don't want to but the holidays just don't seem the same this year. Is it just me or did Wal-Mart start putting out Christmas cheer like back in September? And let's talk about Christmas music. I love Christmas music, really I do, but not before Halloween, I mean I can only handle so much.
I will admit that the day before Thanksgiving I was putting up my mini tree in my room and putting up all my other Christmas ornaments...and then my Christmas cheer sort of went out the window. It's hard to be cheery amd rockin around the Christmas tree when things are far from ordinary here at my house. My son is still upset from his friend's tragic death and there has been no mention of holiday plans, it's like we don't care.
Half the block is lit up with holiday lights in the yards of the houses that surround us while ours is simply lit with the porch light. I haven't bought any Christmas cards to send out and I guess I'm just your typical Grinch.
This year has been a hard year and maybe my wanting it to end is putting my funky attitude to work. What used to be the cozy room that housed our chosen Christmas tree for the past three years is now my bedroom or as I like to call it my private suite who knows what it will be next year and who knows where I will be in life. I wish I knew.
I need to get out of this blues-y sort of mood and get it together. I have a lot to be grateful for. We're alive and healthy and have clothes on our backs and food in the cupboards. I have a job and a car to get there. My mom is here visiting from Texas for a month and darn it...it's Christmas time!
I will put a smile on my face, a cup opf hot cocoa in my hands and christmas carols on my lips. I will wait till the last payday before christmas to go shopping. I will buy a box of Christmas cards and send them to everyone who I know. I will take down all my baking supplies and spread holiday cheer to all who love a good cookie...I will.
This weekend I have to attend my Holiday Christmas party for work. It's something we have been planning for almost a year, and now its finally here. It's something that I would usually attend with the one who used to go, but not this year. This year Adri is going with me and I am happy about it. It is one of the first steps I am taking to get to my future life without what used to be. It isn't easy. There are times I feel sad when I'm not feeling mad. Why did it have to come to this point...life is crazy and so unexpected. I am okay though. I will start new family traditions and love the life I now am choosing.
I will stop thinking about myself and try my hardest to believe that there really is a Santa and he's about to give me what I dream of for Christmas...ME!
I would be a terrible mother if I didn't get anything for the kids, so I know I will be shopping all next week to catch up. It isn't that I don't want to but the holidays just don't seem the same this year. Is it just me or did Wal-Mart start putting out Christmas cheer like back in September? And let's talk about Christmas music. I love Christmas music, really I do, but not before Halloween, I mean I can only handle so much.
I will admit that the day before Thanksgiving I was putting up my mini tree in my room and putting up all my other Christmas ornaments...and then my Christmas cheer sort of went out the window. It's hard to be cheery amd rockin around the Christmas tree when things are far from ordinary here at my house. My son is still upset from his friend's tragic death and there has been no mention of holiday plans, it's like we don't care.
Half the block is lit up with holiday lights in the yards of the houses that surround us while ours is simply lit with the porch light. I haven't bought any Christmas cards to send out and I guess I'm just your typical Grinch.
This year has been a hard year and maybe my wanting it to end is putting my funky attitude to work. What used to be the cozy room that housed our chosen Christmas tree for the past three years is now my bedroom or as I like to call it my private suite who knows what it will be next year and who knows where I will be in life. I wish I knew.
I need to get out of this blues-y sort of mood and get it together. I have a lot to be grateful for. We're alive and healthy and have clothes on our backs and food in the cupboards. I have a job and a car to get there. My mom is here visiting from Texas for a month and darn it...it's Christmas time!
I will put a smile on my face, a cup opf hot cocoa in my hands and christmas carols on my lips. I will wait till the last payday before christmas to go shopping. I will buy a box of Christmas cards and send them to everyone who I know. I will take down all my baking supplies and spread holiday cheer to all who love a good cookie...I will.
This weekend I have to attend my Holiday Christmas party for work. It's something we have been planning for almost a year, and now its finally here. It's something that I would usually attend with the one who used to go, but not this year. This year Adri is going with me and I am happy about it. It is one of the first steps I am taking to get to my future life without what used to be. It isn't easy. There are times I feel sad when I'm not feeling mad. Why did it have to come to this point...life is crazy and so unexpected. I am okay though. I will start new family traditions and love the life I now am choosing.
I will stop thinking about myself and try my hardest to believe that there really is a Santa and he's about to give me what I dream of for Christmas...ME!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Mom...
Today I saw my Mom. It has been two years since I last saw her but here she is in California. She lives in a place far far away called Texas and not only does she live in Texas but she lives all the way across it! I spent some time with her in the morning and it was so nice to see her and have her give me a hug I used to love so much when I was little. Later I took my babies and my wonderfully happy niece to go see her. It was like she never left.
My whole future is up in the air right now. I have it all mapped out in my head, my perfect little happy and peaceful life and all that's holding me from getting there is me, I wish I was not fearful of things I can't see. When I leave I know that my babies will be spending a lot of time with me wherever I go. It will be hard to not always be in the same place with them but then I remember this is for the best.
I imagine us living whereever we may live just a happy little threesome of a family down from a foursome. It will take some adjusting but we will all find our places. I am their mother. I know they act like nothing bothers them but I know better. I wish we could press fast forward and be in that place already. A place where we are happy and there is no unrest or fighting. We have a long way to go.
I know though that one day when they are older they will still love me no matter where I live or what decisions I have made. Though it may not always be visible, the love between a mother and her children never vanishes completely. I know people who are like best friends with their parents and then I also know some who live less than a half an hour away from their parents and they have not talked in years. I miss my mom every day and I know I should tell her I miss her and love her more-perhaps that will be my new years resolution.
After seeing my mom today it was kind of a confirmation in my soul that told me that I would be alright. My kids will be alright after all is said and done and so will I .I am looking forward to this month with my mom. I don't know when I will see her again after this so I will cherish every moment I can-starting with today. Love you Mom and I hope to be the lkind of mom you have been to us!
My whole future is up in the air right now. I have it all mapped out in my head, my perfect little happy and peaceful life and all that's holding me from getting there is me, I wish I was not fearful of things I can't see. When I leave I know that my babies will be spending a lot of time with me wherever I go. It will be hard to not always be in the same place with them but then I remember this is for the best.
I imagine us living whereever we may live just a happy little threesome of a family down from a foursome. It will take some adjusting but we will all find our places. I am their mother. I know they act like nothing bothers them but I know better. I wish we could press fast forward and be in that place already. A place where we are happy and there is no unrest or fighting. We have a long way to go.
I know though that one day when they are older they will still love me no matter where I live or what decisions I have made. Though it may not always be visible, the love between a mother and her children never vanishes completely. I know people who are like best friends with their parents and then I also know some who live less than a half an hour away from their parents and they have not talked in years. I miss my mom every day and I know I should tell her I miss her and love her more-perhaps that will be my new years resolution.
After seeing my mom today it was kind of a confirmation in my soul that told me that I would be alright. My kids will be alright after all is said and done and so will I .I am looking forward to this month with my mom. I don't know when I will see her again after this so I will cherish every moment I can-starting with today. Love you Mom and I hope to be the lkind of mom you have been to us!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Blog 100-Mama's Coming!!
On this my 100th blog, I would just like to say go me! I have to just tell you that I love blogging. I love hearing people tell me how much they enjoy my blog...love love love it! Thank you for reading and enjoying...kisses to you all...muah!
As I am dreading another week starting, and might I add long week, I am super excited about something that will be happening this week as well...Mama's coming home! That's right...Polly Ester (inside joke) AKA Joy Hicks is coming for almost a month long visit. We have not seen her for at least two years and I don't know about you but I need my mama!
There is something about a mother's love that warms your soul with just their presence alone. Just tonight I felt like I was needed by Ant when he came home from an overnight stay with his friends and I went in to talk to him and I started to scratch his back. Ant has always loved to have his back scratched and tonight it made me feel loved by him and we bonded in a silent way.
My kids are teenagers and I remember being a teen and not wanting to be around my parents. I had friends to hang out with, boys to be crazy for...so I get it. I understand when they have other priorities that do not include me. I felt that way then too but now is a different story. My mom lives in Texas and I miss her dearly. She is the only parent I have left and some days I wish that I could just drive to her house like I used to and just sit there with her and talk, laugh and even cry.
She reads my blogs every day and I am sure she will read this too. (Don't cry mom). I know that she is happy in her cute little house with little ol Pappy but truth be told...I want her here with me. I miss her so much and so does the rest of the family. But in the end, I know she is happy and content and her happiness means a lot to me.
So what are our plans for Mom? Well, I am sure we will bombard her with our presence the first few days and then due to school and work it may taper off a little. But I am making a vow to be at my sister's house where she is staying as much as I can. I'm going to bribe her to make me some of her famous chicken dumpling soup and I am going to take the kids to see her, they miss her a lot.
There's something comforting about coming home when you've been away for little while. I know my mom is excited and wil feel right at home once she's back. I can't wait! I love you mama...May God bless you with traveling mercies all the way here!
My next blog is number 101! Yay!!
As I am dreading another week starting, and might I add long week, I am super excited about something that will be happening this week as well...Mama's coming home! That's right...Polly Ester (inside joke) AKA Joy Hicks is coming for almost a month long visit. We have not seen her for at least two years and I don't know about you but I need my mama!
There is something about a mother's love that warms your soul with just their presence alone. Just tonight I felt like I was needed by Ant when he came home from an overnight stay with his friends and I went in to talk to him and I started to scratch his back. Ant has always loved to have his back scratched and tonight it made me feel loved by him and we bonded in a silent way.
My kids are teenagers and I remember being a teen and not wanting to be around my parents. I had friends to hang out with, boys to be crazy for...so I get it. I understand when they have other priorities that do not include me. I felt that way then too but now is a different story. My mom lives in Texas and I miss her dearly. She is the only parent I have left and some days I wish that I could just drive to her house like I used to and just sit there with her and talk, laugh and even cry.
She reads my blogs every day and I am sure she will read this too. (Don't cry mom). I know that she is happy in her cute little house with little ol Pappy but truth be told...I want her here with me. I miss her so much and so does the rest of the family. But in the end, I know she is happy and content and her happiness means a lot to me.
So what are our plans for Mom? Well, I am sure we will bombard her with our presence the first few days and then due to school and work it may taper off a little. But I am making a vow to be at my sister's house where she is staying as much as I can. I'm going to bribe her to make me some of her famous chicken dumpling soup and I am going to take the kids to see her, they miss her a lot.
There's something comforting about coming home when you've been away for little while. I know my mom is excited and wil feel right at home once she's back. I can't wait! I love you mama...May God bless you with traveling mercies all the way here!
My next blog is number 101! Yay!!
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Saying Goodbye...
It's been a rough week here at my house. My son's best friend passed away in a tragic and sad accident last Sunday morning. Yesterday we attended his funeral. It was the nost sad and heartbreaking funeral I have ever been to. This young man was so popular and well known as he was a very talented dancer and DJ. He made an impact on so many lives both young and old. I never got the opportunity to meet him but the stories I have heard and his video blogs have inspired me so much.
For adults we may have been to at least one or two funerals if not more in our lives, but as teenagers it is not a common thing. Add to the factor of having an open casket of someone they adored and it makes it worse.Then there was a video of him along with a song he wrote and performed. It was hard. It was hard to watch his mother lose it and as a mother I felt so much pain and heartbreak for her. The way she kissed his head and talked to him as if he was still here. I watched my son cry and I cried a lot too. I still go back to thinking of how Anthony so wanted to go on that trip but I wouldn't let him because it was too far. Oh how thankful I am to God that he is still here.
It's hard when anyone we love is taken from us, especially if they are so young. For older people who die you hear people say "Oh they had a good life". Saying goodbye is never easy, never. I have lost family members and friends in my life and I would have to say I have probably been to at least 15 funerals. The truth is that we all have to die and only God knows when. I remember my dad being diagnosed with heart disease and they gave him about five years to live so every year he would count down. I used to get so mad and tell him that only God knew.
No, my dad isn't here anymore, I lost him in 2005. It's hard to imagine that he has already been gone six years. I have his picture up on my wall and so I usually wake up to him looking at me, perhaps that's why I feel like he is still here. The week he died, I did not think I was going to make it. It was so hard and I cried every day. I sat looking at his pictures and listening to the Cd we played at his memorial. Someone told me that that was not a good idea as I was only making myself sad. I didn't care though because it was my process I had to go through to heal.
I see my son get a little better each day but he is going through the motions and going through his healing process. He watches his friends video blogs, listens to his music mixes and has stuck DJ Rowdy A stickers on places I would usually get mad at, but I can't. Goodbyes are never easy and it seems cruel that the world goes on even though it seems that your heart can't.
Something we have all heard before but now nags at my heart is that you only live once and life is too short. Find something you love and just do it. If there is something in your life you have to do to find happiness or love then do it. Say I love you if you do and forgive. Live a happy, positive and fulfilling life. God gifts us each a gift, use it and be happy. Don't wait until it is too late and you're saying goodbye...
For adults we may have been to at least one or two funerals if not more in our lives, but as teenagers it is not a common thing. Add to the factor of having an open casket of someone they adored and it makes it worse.Then there was a video of him along with a song he wrote and performed. It was hard. It was hard to watch his mother lose it and as a mother I felt so much pain and heartbreak for her. The way she kissed his head and talked to him as if he was still here. I watched my son cry and I cried a lot too. I still go back to thinking of how Anthony so wanted to go on that trip but I wouldn't let him because it was too far. Oh how thankful I am to God that he is still here.
It's hard when anyone we love is taken from us, especially if they are so young. For older people who die you hear people say "Oh they had a good life". Saying goodbye is never easy, never. I have lost family members and friends in my life and I would have to say I have probably been to at least 15 funerals. The truth is that we all have to die and only God knows when. I remember my dad being diagnosed with heart disease and they gave him about five years to live so every year he would count down. I used to get so mad and tell him that only God knew.
No, my dad isn't here anymore, I lost him in 2005. It's hard to imagine that he has already been gone six years. I have his picture up on my wall and so I usually wake up to him looking at me, perhaps that's why I feel like he is still here. The week he died, I did not think I was going to make it. It was so hard and I cried every day. I sat looking at his pictures and listening to the Cd we played at his memorial. Someone told me that that was not a good idea as I was only making myself sad. I didn't care though because it was my process I had to go through to heal.
I see my son get a little better each day but he is going through the motions and going through his healing process. He watches his friends video blogs, listens to his music mixes and has stuck DJ Rowdy A stickers on places I would usually get mad at, but I can't. Goodbyes are never easy and it seems cruel that the world goes on even though it seems that your heart can't.
Something we have all heard before but now nags at my heart is that you only live once and life is too short. Find something you love and just do it. If there is something in your life you have to do to find happiness or love then do it. Say I love you if you do and forgive. Live a happy, positive and fulfilling life. God gifts us each a gift, use it and be happy. Don't wait until it is too late and you're saying goodbye...
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Wishing On A Star...
Each night I have this crazy ritual that I do. I usually wait till everyone is asleep and then I go outside to make sure all the cars all locked up. Sometimes I must admit I get freaked out and think Freddie Kruger is going to be hiding out by the trash cans like he did in Nightmare on Elm Street Most of the time though after I walk around the cars making sure they are all locked up I lean against my car and just marvel at the sky above.
There are so many things to look at at night in the sky and it's gotten to be something I look forward to. Sometimes the moon is low and orange like a big basketball in the sky. Sometimes the moon is so big and bright that you feel like you can just reach out and touch it.
Tonight I went outside and watched the big white fluffy clouds roll over my house. They were outlined by the moon and looked like they were painted. As the moon peaked in and out of those clouds I started to cry. See, something I didn't tell you is that as I am admiring whatever the night sky brings me I have my evening chat with God. I thank him for all that I have and it just makes me feel so at peace.
This week I have been more thankful than ever for my kids. Tonight is the night before my son's best friend's funeral. I cannot stop myself from thinking that my son wanted to go on that fateful trip....but he didn't because I wouldn't let him. As much as it is heartbreaking about his two friends that are no longer here with us, I cannot help but to continuously thank God that I have my son here with me. I thank God.
The other night I was outside and Adri came out to see what I was doing and I told her to look up at the sky. The sky was lit up with an abundance of stars and it just made me smile. I think that when we lose somebody and they are on our minds continuously a star shines over us at night to protect us or to give us a sign that they are watching over us and are ok.
Adri said that the bright star was probably my son's friend shining over him. It was a nice thought and it touched my heart. Sometimes in life when it's hard for us to understand what we don't, we are given little signs to make us feel like we are going to be ok.
I can have the most terrible day ever and somehow God makes it all better by providing me with beauty above my head at night. All I have to do is look up to find God, and I find him every night as I look up into the sky and delight in all the things that has been given to me and all that I am thankful for and all that I still wish upon.
Twinkle twinkle little star...
There are so many things to look at at night in the sky and it's gotten to be something I look forward to. Sometimes the moon is low and orange like a big basketball in the sky. Sometimes the moon is so big and bright that you feel like you can just reach out and touch it.
Tonight I went outside and watched the big white fluffy clouds roll over my house. They were outlined by the moon and looked like they were painted. As the moon peaked in and out of those clouds I started to cry. See, something I didn't tell you is that as I am admiring whatever the night sky brings me I have my evening chat with God. I thank him for all that I have and it just makes me feel so at peace.
This week I have been more thankful than ever for my kids. Tonight is the night before my son's best friend's funeral. I cannot stop myself from thinking that my son wanted to go on that fateful trip....but he didn't because I wouldn't let him. As much as it is heartbreaking about his two friends that are no longer here with us, I cannot help but to continuously thank God that I have my son here with me. I thank God.
The other night I was outside and Adri came out to see what I was doing and I told her to look up at the sky. The sky was lit up with an abundance of stars and it just made me smile. I think that when we lose somebody and they are on our minds continuously a star shines over us at night to protect us or to give us a sign that they are watching over us and are ok.
Adri said that the bright star was probably my son's friend shining over him. It was a nice thought and it touched my heart. Sometimes in life when it's hard for us to understand what we don't, we are given little signs to make us feel like we are going to be ok.
I can have the most terrible day ever and somehow God makes it all better by providing me with beauty above my head at night. All I have to do is look up to find God, and I find him every night as I look up into the sky and delight in all the things that has been given to me and all that I am thankful for and all that I still wish upon.
Twinkle twinkle little star...
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