Old Cute Women

Quite often I am sitting in my car or usually at my desk and I wonder "what is that  on my leg"?...then I realize, Oh yeah it's my stomach.  I look in the mirror after talking myself into something sleeveless and I wonder when my theme song for my arms became "gettin jiggy with it".  I put on a pair of tights with a cute dress and start to walk and get mortified that the swishing I am hearing is my thighs rubbing together.  I also have a big behind, but hey, if Kim Kardashian can pull it off I think I can too.

Getting older and being a woman is hard work.  When a man gets old he lifts some weights, buys some just for men hair dye and calls it a day.  It isn't fair.  We women have to work for our beauty because let's face it some of us just aren't natural beauties.

I thought I could grow up tweezing my own eye brows, but I have found that no matter how hard I try one eye comes out looking lik I'm a freak.  I have to go to the eyebrow threading lady in the mall and get the Jlo eyebrows.  Just when I think my face is back to cuteness she asks if I would like to get my upper lip done...does it ever end?

It's summertime and just when I think that I can flaunt my cutest nail polish on my toes my feet suddenly have turned into feet belonging to someone named gertrude.  I have hardened skin on the bottom of my foot that I practically have to take a chainsaw to just to be presentable.  If I get up in the morning and think, wow, I look pretty today, it all changes when I get to work.  As I stand there in front of the chrome elevator I realize...UGH, I am fat, my shirt is awful, my hair is crappy and my makeup is hideous.  I never thought I looked awful when I was younger, I was pretty cute and even thinner.

Darn my darn thyroid that is underactive.  I have to take a pill everyday to regulate this and I usually forget that.  Well, it isn't that I forget but something nice happens when I don't take it.  I don't get my monthly red friend...and honestly ladies...cmon...who wants that every month.  So I don't get my friend but I stay round.  I have been promising myself that I will be better and take it and that usually lasts for like a week.

I used to be able to stay up for two days in a row, but now it seems as if when I get home I am exhausted.  I don't even remember to take off my makeup and in the morning I look like a football player with that black stuff under my eyes and my pores are looking awful.  Most of the time in the mornings I have to take off my makeup just to shlop more on, and even that's a task.  I sometimes feel like I am fixing up a dented car when I am working on my face filling in wrinkles...where's the bondo?

Getting older means comfort as well.  You don't wanna buy a sexy bra because you are middle aged and don't want your cleavage to hit your chin, unless you're out clubbin.  So you decide on an old lady bra!  Flip flops become your shoe of choice and the long hair you once loved when you were younger is such a hassle. 

You try so hard to pull off limeaid or sunny yellow or gothic black nail polish and only get weird looks because those colors are for young girls.  Here's my question...when did I become not a young girl anymore.  I will be 39 in a few months and I still feel young, but my mirror tells me differently.

I remember us making fun of my mother and calling her Polly because all she wore was polyester.  It becomes reality that times are a changing when you look at the tag in your pants and realize that 95% of them are made of Polyester...why?

So here as I sit waaaaay past my bedtome I am fighting just to finish this blog.  Oh where did youth go?  Remember the song forever young?  Forever young, I want to be forever young.  I iwll admit that while there are some days I want to be forever young, I am about to reach one of the highest points of my life.  38 wasn't so bad and 39 will be just fine...but dang it takes effort to look as cute as me.

As Ice Cube Said...Today Was A Good Day

Something happened between me walking out of my Discipleship class last night and this morning that somehow transformed me into being joyful and happy.  The more time I spend at my wonderful church, the more I love it.  During last night's lesson I learned a lot about me and how I don't have to let people and things around me feel like I am trapped and I also learned I am not alone in my journey to becoming a better person.  I have the power to change things and when I get lost I have a manual to follow called the bible. 

I woke up in such a happy mood and I wanted to share it with others!  I turned on the TV early in the morning and me and Adri hung out till I had to get ready for work.  I picked up some donuts for my co-workers and was humming a happy tune when I saw Candy in the elevator and she told me another person in my department also brought donuts, yipee...carbs all day for everybody!  We figured it out and for all the donuts to disappear we all had to eat 3.42 donuts...let's just say most of us got to the three mark, but not to worry, at least it was over the timespan of 9 hours!

At lunch we met with a wonderful friend who we used to work with whom I will call Boots.  Boots looked fabulous and happy.  It's amazing how being away from a place will give you a certain glow like the one my friend had.  I was envious of the positive energy she exudes and how happy she makes us whenever we see her.  We miss her but plan to something about a train with her soon for an adventure I may share in a later blog :)  Three of us had the endless lunch which included a salad, drink, soup and breadsticks.  This time it was better service than the last since I kept joking that the endless lunch ended because they wouldn't keep bringing the breadsticks.  Today there were plenty to go around.  Good conversation and good friends-it was nice.

Once I got home I thought I turned into Rachel Ray when I made pizza out of english muffins and some other stuff, and they were quite yummy.  I imagine before we settle in for the night Me and Adri will have a popsicle which we have been addicted to since we got a better fridge that freezes great.  So far we have sampled the flavors of strawberry banana, plain banana, cherry, cantaloupe, honeydew and watermelon.  I can also happily report that there was no real sign of the devil waiting to take over someone's body and start a fight tonight.  What a wonderful feeling to be at peace even if only for a day.  I am expecting that my future will only get better as I become stronger and become that confident person I know is in me.  I have been in love with a new Jennifer Lopez song called Until It Beats No More.  Some of the words are these...

"I'm alive, I can breathe, I can feel, I believe and there aint no doubt about it, there aint no doubt about it I'm in love and it's all because of you, I was fading but you pulled me through.

While I can't be sure who she wrote this song for I listen to it and think of God and how changes have taken place in my life to get me to God's perfect plan for my life and how he's pulled me through.  I am exactly where I need to be and I know it will only get better....oh yeah and the donuts also help!

Me Phony? That's Bologna!

I have been going to church for just a few weeks short of a year.  In this year I have learned a lot about myself that I thought I knew all along but was doubtful.

 When people tell you things about yourself and you don't have a spiritual relationship with God, it's easy to let those things saturate your mind and spirit and you eventually start believing those things.  Today I attended a beautiful seminar at church given by Sheri Rose Shepherd.  Before today I didn't know much about her and I even went on her website and wanted to know more.  As it turns out, it was touching, heartfelt and so personal to me it was as if she wrote her lesson to speak to me.

At the end of her lesson she gave us all a blank piece of paper and told us to write whatever it is on the paper that is holding us back from our freedom and who God intended us to be.  After we did this she made us crumple up the paper and throw it away.  She said sometimes God places mountains in our paths because he knows we are strong and will find ways to get around them...so true.  She also said that sometimes we question God of why our dreams were not given to us and never realizing that perhaps it is because he has better plans for our lives far beyond what we ever dreamed for ourselves.

There are days when I too question WHY.  I guess I never realized that maybe despite all the mountains in my path God knew that I would find ways to get around them.  Lately I feel stronger and feel more passionate than ever to cut these invisible chains  that are holding me.  It used to bother me when I would come home from church and get told that I am phony because a disagreement turned into an argument that wasn't very christianlike. 

The truth is I don't have the energy anymore to argue and be unhappy.  I am on the verge of turning 39 in just a few months and I want people to see me and know that I happy all the time.  I remember the old poem that we heard in grade school...

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me".  They used to, I won't lie.  Lately though, I have just decided I will give it all to God.  I know I am not phony for God and its hard to take those words seriously from someone who only mocks all that I do at church.

I threw that paper away today and I am finding my way around those mountains because I am a strong person in my beliefs and to my relationship with God...and that's not phony.

Sweep up the Eggshells

Lately it seems that my whole house has invisible eggshells laying all over the place.  It used to be that people thought I was an ok person and never minded the way I sometimes become animated when I talk.  It was never a problem before if I used my hands as I always do to describe something or get my point across...but not anymore.

I have a desire to just come into my own private little suite when I get home from work and not say anything to anybody because the slightest little thing turns into World War 2011 at my house.  It never really works out for me though because if a kid and him are not seeing eye to eye I am pulled into their argument and then I get accused of needing to discipline more.  I can never just be.

There are days when I want to give a heads up of something I am doing during the week or weekend and then I get accused of flaunting it that I can just do whatever, which is never the case.  Then I say, "I just won't say anything" and then I hear I am being too dramatic and taking things to the extreme...phew...will I ever not be to blame.

On my continued walk along this path God is trying to show me I do try to be a better person wherever I go.  People like me at work and at church but here at home is such a different story.  If I take charge of a situation at home to be the referee of an argument I usually get told that either I am something that rhymes with witch and starts with a B or I get told that I haven't learned anything at church.  This coming from someone who doesn't even go, or I should say rarely goes.  It doesn't matter though because whenever I hear that, the guilt creeps in and I tell myself he's right.

I have been praying so much for God to show me the way and I have been stuck in this place that makes me more unhappy day by day.  I finally just decided to get it over with and all that paperwork that I have been carrying with me in my bag is about to set me free.  I know I am a good person and my kids know it too.  I decided that I am not going to let him steal my joy anymore.  Yes I am happy at church, at work and away from home because I know I am in the presence of people who love me no matter what.

I don't need to feel guilty for not liking serious TV shows or movies or for going on two hour long walks with the kids or for whatever I am accused of.  I am me and I am a pretty good person.  I am not perfect and I have bad days like everyone else but I know that no matter what God will love me, my kids and family will love me and so will my many friends.

So sweep up the eggshells, I can't walk on them anymore.

Another Dimension

As I sit here in my suite this evening I am reclined in my recliner chair and staring up onto the ceiling  I am somewhat mesmerized by a big brown almost circle that I painted on the ceiling.  I was supposed to have already completed this project, but still I have not.  My intention was to make a big circle and then write words in the circle like patience, hope, etc,

Unfortunately it still sits plain and now that I am looking at it, its not really a circle either.  When my son first saw it he said it looked like the secret door to go into another dimension.  I wish it was.  But what would be on the other side of the door?

I have thought about this a lot as I am always planning ways to get out of here.  If another door could lead me into anotheer dimension, Im all for it.

I imagine that it would be somewhere I can escape into a sort of secret paradise with waterfalls and lush greenery and fruity drinks.  That would be nice.  Maybe it's a door to the past--who would I visit, what would I be doing,

Perhaps its another dimension that simply leads me to another room in the house...which would be no fun. 

Perhaps on the other side is what I have been waiting for and praying for, my freedom and happiness.  I would imagine that dimension would have nobody arguing, people would care and respect each other.  There would be no analyzing my every move, nobody pretending to know my every thought.

It's here all the time in my suite, this circle on the ceiling to another dimension.  To me it's like a metaphor.  Its there for me whenever I want to and escape everything Im going through. There's a question I have to ask myself...when will I expereince going to another dimension, a new dimension my life.  Perhaps I am scared, of what I don't know, perhaps just the unknown

There will be a lot of dimension in my life in the next few months.  As my Pastor once said...When one door closes another one opens but it's hell in the hallway...hmm, no wonder it's been so hot, I must be in the hallway.

Cell Hell

So as I sit here in my wonderful suite thinking of what to be inspired about for this evening's blog, my thoughts are drowned out by a teenage maniac screaming from across the house how her phone is stupid and how she needs another one.  I would also like to add that usually when she is complaining about her phone she is whacking it on the floor as she thinks this will make it work better.

Coincidentally, she needs another phone just in time for her birthday which is this Sunday.  She will be 15 years old.  I will admit that her phone is messed up and holds about a half hour charge, which is why she carries her charger with her like it's a security blanket.  We all have tried to tell her that she carries it too much and that she charges it too much, but of course parents do not know anything.   To try and avoid having to get her another phone I called T-mobile to try and get a new battery.  I was later told that even though the phone is only about a year old, they don't sell those batteries anymore...to which I ranted that this must be how T-mobile made their money.

So last weekend we went into T-mobile to check out the phones and I made it quite clear to her that we were simply "window shopping".  Immediately she walks over to the most expensive high tech phone there was.  It was one that had all these great apps for internet to which she does not have access to on her phone.  I told her that phone was better than mine and there was no chance of her getting that.  So we looked at lower quality phones that would do the job for her and the lowest we got because she is not yet eligible for an upgrade is $90.  That would be what I would have to pay to get the phone and have payments afterwards.

Something our kids do not understand is that we get them a phone mostly so we can keep in touch with them, not for their friends to HMU or as I found out this week means Hit Me Up.  I get asked by my daughter if we had phones when I was her age.  Hellooo how old do my kids think I am?  I tell them that yes we had a house phone and we didn't have texting and if there was an emergency at school we went to the office and called our parents.  Our kids would not have survived the way we did.

Ok, so back to my daughters phone...  I told her that she can get through summer school with nothing less than a C and behave and she will get a phone.  Let's just say her attitude lately has not even earned her a jitterbug phone much less an Optimus.  She also decided to tell me today that today she turned in all her assignments that raised her grade from an F to a C+.  Can I just add at this point that school barely started on Monday and already she is telling me this?  Oh I need some chocolate!  If we can count on anything it's that our kids will make us crazy at least once per day.

This week I have heard various things that I guess I should know I am buying her or doing for her for her birthday.  I am supposedly taking her to the beach since we have not been there in three years (this is an exaggeration).  I am supposedly getting her the phone even if she doesn't behave (yeah right).  I have been told she has no clothes and needs to go clothes shopping (even though her whole closet is squeezed under her bed which is her attempt to clean her room). I have been told that I am getting her a Taco Bell gift card (because that would be bomb). 

Honestly I don't know what I am getting her on Sunday.  I know I will be sticking to my word and holding out on the phone.  I know that her birthday falls on a Sunday and we will be celebrating her birthday during Sunday school.  I haven't really thought about it but I guess I should.  Either way, we have kids these days who don't appreciate any attempts we make to make them happy even though we try to give them better than what we had ourselves.

Perhaps a day at the beach on Sunday will be just right for her birthday.  She will have a good time as they all play in the water and I can sit there lost in my thoughts, soaking up sun and using the sand as a skin exfoliator.  Everyone will be happy, at least for a little while until we get in the car to come back home and her phone has lost its charge...ugh why do we even bother trying to make them happy? 

The truth is she is my baby.  She may have a mouth like Tony Soprano a lot of times but I am told over and over that she is my twin.  We are alike in so many ways and even when are on each other's nerves we usually get over it and carry on as mother and daughter.  She makes me laugh, cry, yell, smile.  I can't believe that almost fifteen years ago this person was growing inside of me relying on me as she still does to take care of her.  I may be annoyed with her 22 hours out of each day , but I will be eternally grateful for the daughter that I was given as a gift from above.  Love you Adri.

Hotter Than A Beyonce Video...

So when the air conditioning breaks down at work they have these huge fans that they strategically place to make the employees think it's not that hot, when it really is.  If you are a fan of Beyonce, you have probably seen her Crazy In Love video...you know the one where in the end she is in a cute hot pink mini dress dancing in front of huge fans and her hair and dress are blowing in the wind.  Well...whenever I see the fans I always do a double take to make sure nobody is around and then I stomp towards the fan like I am walking down a runway just as cute as Beyonce ready to do my own rendition of that video...but today I wasn't in the mood...it's too hot!

I slept in later and then had to rush to get to work on time.  I had to fight with the girl because she didn't want to get out of bed to go to summer school so for 45 minutes I had to hear how stupid summer school was...hmmm, if only you got good grades, you wouldn't be there right? 

Once I got to work I tried to put on my happy face again.  Then I saw a co-worker whose name I will change for blogs sake...hmmm...what can I call her? Oh I know, I will call her candy, since we can always depend on her having candy on her desk for cheapskates like me who don't like buying it but love inhaling it.  So anyways I see Candy in the hall and say "Hi.." and her response..."I wish I was".  It made me realize, I wasn't the only one whose day started off hot and crazy!  I can always rely on Candy to make me laugh, and sometimes she depends on me for laughs too.  Don't even get me started about her annoying pink flamingo that she laughed and tortured me with.for days:)

Ok so now would be a good time to name some things that make me crazy...
-People who stuff cotton in their ears and then put headphones on with the volume turned up full blast because they cant hear it well because of the COTTON!
-Lawyers who say..."That's too bad" and they are referring to you.
-People who try and convince me that I love Harry Potter....here's a clue, I don't.
-People who say Wotonsday for Wednesday

Ok, sorry I had to vent about some things that annoyed me today.  I think that I can safely say that this heat has gotten to everybody.  Here in Southern California we are never happy.  When it rains less than an inch we are taking out our umbrellas and declaring flood watch.  When it's hot we are proclaiming we must be distant relatives of the Wicked Witch on Wizard of Oz because we're melting!  Even my refrigerator hates the heat and decided what better time to break down than in summer when we would actually like cold things to drink.  The fridge side stopped working so now the freezer is acting as our main refrigerator.  I am sure that in a few days even that will break down since we have stuffed it to capacity and it is working overtime.

Today I found this great appliance shop that would pick up old appliances and they had great new ones or I should say new used ones.  They even took credit cards to which we were going to use.  After work we ventured there to find one that would work that we liked and were ready to go...until the guy said..."Oh, we're not doing credit cards right now and we don't know when we will"...  Wonderful...you think they could have told me this when I first visited the shop and they handed me a business cards saying WE ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS...so no refrigerator today.

Went home, rested for a few minutes and then I was off to church, but not before being told the way I said goodbye was making fun of this "Situation".  Dang, all I said was bye.  Out of the whole day I have to say that church was the best part of the day.  I sat next to someone who wrote some inspiring words in my spritual journal and we had a half hour of individual prayer.  I was inspired and feeling refreshed...until I turned my phone back on and was bombarded with questions like..."Is church done"..."Where are you at"...Didn't you get my messages".  At this point I was in Stater Bros looking for a bottle of Calgon which claims it can TAKE ME AWAY.  Let me just say, if that were true at all, I would have owned the company by now.  Can't I go to church and take a half hour after that to have a little bit of time?

Sanity in the house lasted about a half hour before it was the usual ALL KINDS OF CRAZY which ended with two people thinking the other was wrong, a daughter yelling across the house to be quiet since she had summer school in the morning (hey, didn't she say she hated school?)  and me in my suite alone feeling stupid for feeling sorry before now and  wishing I had central air or at leasta Beyonce fan.