Last year when Frankie was pregnamt we were walking into work one day. She was busy telling me a story about something I don't remember now when a few other co-workers drove up next to us and rolled next to us as we walked just bugging us and saying things like "Hey-good morning". I thought it was funny at the time but Frankie was pregnant and annoyed that one-they interrupted her story and two-that they would not shut the eff up! She ended up telling them off in a pregnant annoyed way. I don't even remember what she said but I will say she was nice enough not to curse. Later on in the week when we saw that person walking in the halls, she was so nice to him and he looked so scared...or mad. Like nothing had ever happened Frankie said "Why's he so mad". We both laughed and it has become a joke between us whenever we see that person or when someone is mad for no real reason.
Today someone could have looked at me and asked me why I was mad because though I was mad, what real reason did I have? Why was I mad you ask? Because once upon a time someone told me I have so much potential and that I could be so much more than my everyday occupation. I am a vulnerable person and when someone works me up and has me believing in myself I want to believe them and I feel empowered to spread my wings and soar. All of a sudden the same person that empowers you has the same ability to clip your wings as if to say "Um, I'm sorry, you are not allowed to soar, after all you are just a (fill in the blank with your occupation)". Though it was nothing big, it made me feel like I am incapable of doing the smallest task, the baby steps to get to where they told me I could be one day, so why bother, right? Wrong!
I was driving home and I was thinking about things I have heard to help me get up on my own and believe in myself. Who needs anyone to tell me I am great, when I already know that. In training for a job I had many moons ago our trainer told us.."Fake it till you make it" I have always loved that. Sure I may not know what the hell I am doing but I will fake it and make you think I do and I WILL make it one day, not to mention I will look cute doing it! Another quote I heard while listening to Joel Osteen preach to me one Sunday morning is this..."If you complain you will remain". That is so true. Nothing is ever going to happen that I want to happen if I don't do anything about it to better myself.
I have heard that I have missed my calling, have potential to be so much more and have a gift. My family and friends know my love of writing. My friends come to me for decorating help for parties and yet though I am blessed and grateful for all that I do have because of what I do, I feel like my destiny is yet to be reached. My kids listem to this song that says..."I want to be a billionaire, so frickin bad"....you know what, so do I. I would even be happy being a hundred thousandaire.
Maybe one day, no not maybe...One day I will find my true destiny and do something I truly love. I will not have to fake it because I am going to make it and it is then I will say...I remember when I was just a...(whatever my occupation is)!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Daughter Curse
Long ago on a day I drove my mother crazy I heard the daughter curse being given to me by my mother. It goes something like this..."One of these days you are going to have a daughter and she is going to be just like you". Along with the curse go other phrases like " She will put you through hell, like you are doing to me". Looking back I do not remember the hell I was putting her through that particularl day because back then I was perfect, or so I thought. I do remember that I was given the daughter curse more than once and my response was always something smart like..."When I have kids they are going to love me, because I will treat them so good, unlike you".
It makes me laugh now. By the way, the daughter curse has come true. I am told now that mothers everywhere use this curse and it usually does happen. My daughter is 14 going on 25. Between her dad and I, I am pretty sure she loves me more when it benefits her. Though that may be true, she still thinks I know nothing. I get the rolling of the eyes and sarcasm in her sentences like..."Why can't you just let me live my life". I laugh at those phrases, she has so much to learn.
I have already given her the daughter curse and her response to me is usually..."ugh, I am never having kids, they are annoying"...Yes daughter, welcome to my world. Though she acts like she hates me 50% of the time, she is secretly on my side. She will do things for me like get the mail before her dad and put it in a safe place till I get home since I sometimes complain that the mail gets misplaced at times. When my husband and I start our daily fight she will hide my car keys for me since he sometimes threatens he's going to use my car the next day (yes, my car is his envy). It is these little things that lets me know she loves me and reminds me that having her in my life is a blessing, never a curse. I know my mom felt this way too, but it isn't until you become a mother that you realize that. Even her mother gave her the daughter curse.
I am often accused by my daughter, son and husband at various times that I love one child more than the other and have my favorite. The love I have in my heart for both of my kids is endless. I love both of them more than anyone can accuse me of, they are my whole life. At different times outwardly they each are my favorite, but in my heart there are no favorites.
Long ago I used to eat raw cookie dough. I used to just buy the pre-made tube and eat it. I had forgotten about those days of sheer bliss until this weekend when it was on sale. I grabbed it, threw it in the cart and thought I would enjoy it alone. That day I made my daugher put the groceries away and she found it. She asked me when I planned to make cookies. I told her that was mine and I was going to eat the whole tube raw. Right then her eyes filled with excitement and she said, "Oh my gosh, that's bomb, can we share it". Oh before I go any further when a teenager says bomb it means anything wonderful to them. So last night as her and I camped out in the living room with blankets and pillows (yes, it was his turn to have the bedroom), we brought out the cookie dough. We were armed with the remote control, half a tube of cookie dough each and two glasses of milk...a mother's proud moment.
There I was a curse to my mother sitting with her curse to me...and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks mom!
It makes me laugh now. By the way, the daughter curse has come true. I am told now that mothers everywhere use this curse and it usually does happen. My daughter is 14 going on 25. Between her dad and I, I am pretty sure she loves me more when it benefits her. Though that may be true, she still thinks I know nothing. I get the rolling of the eyes and sarcasm in her sentences like..."Why can't you just let me live my life". I laugh at those phrases, she has so much to learn.
I have already given her the daughter curse and her response to me is usually..."ugh, I am never having kids, they are annoying"...Yes daughter, welcome to my world. Though she acts like she hates me 50% of the time, she is secretly on my side. She will do things for me like get the mail before her dad and put it in a safe place till I get home since I sometimes complain that the mail gets misplaced at times. When my husband and I start our daily fight she will hide my car keys for me since he sometimes threatens he's going to use my car the next day (yes, my car is his envy). It is these little things that lets me know she loves me and reminds me that having her in my life is a blessing, never a curse. I know my mom felt this way too, but it isn't until you become a mother that you realize that. Even her mother gave her the daughter curse.
I am often accused by my daughter, son and husband at various times that I love one child more than the other and have my favorite. The love I have in my heart for both of my kids is endless. I love both of them more than anyone can accuse me of, they are my whole life. At different times outwardly they each are my favorite, but in my heart there are no favorites.
Long ago I used to eat raw cookie dough. I used to just buy the pre-made tube and eat it. I had forgotten about those days of sheer bliss until this weekend when it was on sale. I grabbed it, threw it in the cart and thought I would enjoy it alone. That day I made my daugher put the groceries away and she found it. She asked me when I planned to make cookies. I told her that was mine and I was going to eat the whole tube raw. Right then her eyes filled with excitement and she said, "Oh my gosh, that's bomb, can we share it". Oh before I go any further when a teenager says bomb it means anything wonderful to them. So last night as her and I camped out in the living room with blankets and pillows (yes, it was his turn to have the bedroom), we brought out the cookie dough. We were armed with the remote control, half a tube of cookie dough each and two glasses of milk...a mother's proud moment.
There I was a curse to my mother sitting with her curse to me...and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks mom!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Forgive Me For Not Forgiving
So, this is my fourth Sunday that I have found my way back to church. In my world of crazy I thought that church would help me get a hold on the crazy and help me spiritually. I thought it would help me be a better whatever I am to anybody and most of all to myself. I could not be happier with this choice that I have made and even happier that my kids have even gone with me. I have made my way slowly from the rows at the back of the church to somewhere in the middle and hopefully one day I will brave my way to the front of the church.
Today, Pastor spoke to us about praying for your loved ones and forgiveness. He said he knew that in our minds we were thinking of names of people who were on our minds just then who needed forgiveness and prayers no matter what. He was right. The one who stayed on my mind the remiander of the service was my brother. My family is complicated but to us we are just a family. My mom was married before she met my dad and together her husband then and her had two kids, my sister and brother. At the same time, my dad was married as well and they had a daughter. Well, everyone got a divorce and my mom and dad met, got married and had me. Growing up was never a problem with my siblings or the parents involved. We all loved each other even though we had different fathers and mothers-we were all ok.
In my teens, I was closest to my brother. My sister had already moved out and my dad's daughter lived in San Diego with her mother and stepfather. On Friday nights my parents would go out with their friends and me and my brother would stay home. He would hang out with his friends in the front yard of our house on Sycamore. They would be playing music loudly and it was just nice to grow up there. Sometimes, he and I would just hang out in our backyard and swing on our swing and talk about everything.
Things change, people get married, have kids and move on and move away. I do not see my brother much because he lives up in the mountains and I am truly scared of heights, so I will not drive to see him...and he doesn't come to see me either. Family circumstances have pulled us away and we stopped being close. We were happy to see each other when we did but that was all it was. I will admit that I am not the best sister in the world but my brother has always made me feel like I was the little sister who had to obey and take his comments he threw at me. A few months ago was the last time I spoke to him. We were at a party at my sister's house and alcohol and attitudes didn't mix. He had picked on me one too many times that evening and when he cursed at me , he didn't think that I would curse back, but I did and he didn't like it. We said many things to each other though his words hurt me more. I cried as I drove home and told myself I did not need people like him in my life.
Then there was church today. I know that I should forgive him, and maybe in my heart I will forgive and pray for him like I feel I should do while I continue to pray for myself. I love my brother, I do. But in all my kinds of crazy, I think I still need time for me without feeling like it is always me who has to make things right where I am involved. There is a certain kind of guilt that I have felt to always try and fix things when I can, but right now, I just don't want to. I will ..I know, but I am relearning my spiritual me and need time to work on that before trying to work on anyone else.
Today, Pastor spoke to us about praying for your loved ones and forgiveness. He said he knew that in our minds we were thinking of names of people who were on our minds just then who needed forgiveness and prayers no matter what. He was right. The one who stayed on my mind the remiander of the service was my brother. My family is complicated but to us we are just a family. My mom was married before she met my dad and together her husband then and her had two kids, my sister and brother. At the same time, my dad was married as well and they had a daughter. Well, everyone got a divorce and my mom and dad met, got married and had me. Growing up was never a problem with my siblings or the parents involved. We all loved each other even though we had different fathers and mothers-we were all ok.
In my teens, I was closest to my brother. My sister had already moved out and my dad's daughter lived in San Diego with her mother and stepfather. On Friday nights my parents would go out with their friends and me and my brother would stay home. He would hang out with his friends in the front yard of our house on Sycamore. They would be playing music loudly and it was just nice to grow up there. Sometimes, he and I would just hang out in our backyard and swing on our swing and talk about everything.
Things change, people get married, have kids and move on and move away. I do not see my brother much because he lives up in the mountains and I am truly scared of heights, so I will not drive to see him...and he doesn't come to see me either. Family circumstances have pulled us away and we stopped being close. We were happy to see each other when we did but that was all it was. I will admit that I am not the best sister in the world but my brother has always made me feel like I was the little sister who had to obey and take his comments he threw at me. A few months ago was the last time I spoke to him. We were at a party at my sister's house and alcohol and attitudes didn't mix. He had picked on me one too many times that evening and when he cursed at me , he didn't think that I would curse back, but I did and he didn't like it. We said many things to each other though his words hurt me more. I cried as I drove home and told myself I did not need people like him in my life.
Then there was church today. I know that I should forgive him, and maybe in my heart I will forgive and pray for him like I feel I should do while I continue to pray for myself. I love my brother, I do. But in all my kinds of crazy, I think I still need time for me without feeling like it is always me who has to make things right where I am involved. There is a certain kind of guilt that I have felt to always try and fix things when I can, but right now, I just don't want to. I will ..I know, but I am relearning my spiritual me and need time to work on that before trying to work on anyone else.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Moments with Mijo
Today was the first day of soccer for my baby boy. Well...he's not a baby anymore but he will always be my baby. He is almost sixteen years old and he has been playing soccer at Colton Youth Soccer since he was five years old. The highest age division for this league is U-18 which basically means under 18. That means that in just two years he will not be eligible to play in youth soccer...this makes me sad.
It is so hard to believe that my kids are growing up so fast. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I don't need to find a babysitter and can leave them at home with the only worry of mine being that they may throw a party in my absence. It's nice to have that get up and go freedom, but I must admit that I miss the days when they were little and were each other's best friends. They are 21 months apart. I remember when my daughter was a baby and anthony would drag her around the house on a blanket so she could be with him. It was sweet and I miss the sweetness.
Where we live, I am the cool mom on the block. The kids hang out in our front yard with my kids and I hear them talking about girls. While it amuses me that my son has grown up and reached this point, it scares me. I notice him putting on cologne and girls calling him on the phone. I have found little notes to him in his room and it is quite evident that my baby is growing up and fast.
Where did the time go? I still feel as young as I did when I had him, but in five years he will be the same age I was when I was preganant with him. I wonder where his paths will take him in life. Will he go to college? What career will he choose? I don't doubt that one day he will have a family and bring over his babies, my grandbabies for me to shower with love and to share stories about their dad. I am also sure that his babies will be in soccer as well, it's a legacy.
I still witness the moments of sweetness with my son. He loves to hang out in my room when I have the air conditioner blasting and watch TV with me. Just last night was one of those times. I looked at him and told him how much he loved for me to hold his hand when he was little. He reached for my hand and held it while we watched TV...a mother's proud moment.
Though he sometimes has an attitude, he still loves us and for that I know I am blessed. No, I may not get to watch him much longer in a youth soccer league, but adult soccer leagues are everywhere and I will be there cheering him on. Oh by the way, the score today was 3-3 and though it was a tie, I feel like I am the one who won.
It is so hard to believe that my kids are growing up so fast. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I don't need to find a babysitter and can leave them at home with the only worry of mine being that they may throw a party in my absence. It's nice to have that get up and go freedom, but I must admit that I miss the days when they were little and were each other's best friends. They are 21 months apart. I remember when my daughter was a baby and anthony would drag her around the house on a blanket so she could be with him. It was sweet and I miss the sweetness.
Where we live, I am the cool mom on the block. The kids hang out in our front yard with my kids and I hear them talking about girls. While it amuses me that my son has grown up and reached this point, it scares me. I notice him putting on cologne and girls calling him on the phone. I have found little notes to him in his room and it is quite evident that my baby is growing up and fast.
Where did the time go? I still feel as young as I did when I had him, but in five years he will be the same age I was when I was preganant with him. I wonder where his paths will take him in life. Will he go to college? What career will he choose? I don't doubt that one day he will have a family and bring over his babies, my grandbabies for me to shower with love and to share stories about their dad. I am also sure that his babies will be in soccer as well, it's a legacy.
I still witness the moments of sweetness with my son. He loves to hang out in my room when I have the air conditioner blasting and watch TV with me. Just last night was one of those times. I looked at him and told him how much he loved for me to hold his hand when he was little. He reached for my hand and held it while we watched TV...a mother's proud moment.
Though he sometimes has an attitude, he still loves us and for that I know I am blessed. No, I may not get to watch him much longer in a youth soccer league, but adult soccer leagues are everywhere and I will be there cheering him on. Oh by the way, the score today was 3-3 and though it was a tie, I feel like I am the one who won.
Friday, August 27, 2010
It's Friday And I'm Still Crazy
Flex Friday! Today is the day I wait for every other week. It is the day I can take my time in the mornings and practially do whatever I want...until about 1:30 when people start to come home from work and school. This particular Friday I had big plans. I told myself I was going to clean a little, run errands and then go see a movie all alone...Then I woke up.
Really, there is nothing I really want to see at the movies and so all I am left with is cleaning and running errands. I figure that after I am done writing this I will clean up for about a half hour. Then I will take a shower and get dressed, and then put my makeup on and smile at how cute I am in the mirror. I sometimes think my mirror has something against me. It always shows me this reflection that though I could improve upon is pretty cute. Then I get to work and look in the mirror and say what the hell. I look like a freak who is either too flushed out and needs more makeup or my hair is whacked out or my shirt makes me look like I am pregnant with twins. Does that ever happen to you?
Once I leave the house I am off to the post ofice. I need stamps to send out bills that I should have mailed yesterday. To counter that I am sending them late I always back date the checks hoping that the companies I am sending them to will have sympathy and think they just got lost in the mail...good luck to me. The truth is I could have sent them a few days ago if HE would have remembered to pick up my stamps. Yes, I know I could have gotten them from the grocery store but I am tired of being so boring with generic stamps. My friend Frankie always has cute stamps which her husband she absolutely adores picks up for her. They actually go to the post office to get stamps. I thought I could send my husband to the post office this week to pick up some stamps for me. Once I got home that night and asked him if he got them and he said he had forgotten but then offered to pick some up at a grocery store. That was the whole damn point of sending him to the post office...I did not want boring stamps!!! Needless to say that later that night we ended up fighting that El Cantante love and the stamp situation was thrown in his face, don't men know that women have files in their head of all the things they do wrong and when we need to use it we know exactly where in our brain that file is located to throw it in their face.
After I pick up stamps, I am planning to go to Deseret Industries. It is this little thrift store or if I want to sound trendy I will say it is a vintage shop. In any case it is wonderful. I can find purses or cute t-shirts to wear with cute heels and some jeans or clothes for work. Let's face it and I'm not gonna lie...this beauty is on a budget and I am a bargain shopper, ask anyone. I shop clearance racks, discount stores, vintage shops and yard sales as much as I can. I think if I was a millionaire I would still check my bank account everyday and shop all the places I know would help me stretch my money.
Then off to the bank to deposit a check for AVON. Yes, I sell avon but please do not tell anyone in upper management at work, they will get mad, smack my hand and tell me it's a no-no. Is it such a no-no that they will supplement my income for the few dollars I do make? Somehow I don't think so.
My last stop will probably be McDonalds for a McDouble and a Sweet Tea which I am addicted to both and if you are not you should be. It is the kind of tea that you would sit out in the sun all day for the right flavoring and then pour tons of sugar to get the sweet taste, I absolutely love it and at just $1 that's a bargain!
Perhaps I will go Home Depot as well so I can complete this home project I absolutely must do but have been dragging my heels on. I love my house but owning a home is scary. You can't just call the landlord to fix whatever needs to be fixed and I don't have landlord money so home projects have to be well thought out of how I can do things on a budget-go me. Since we have moved here I have painted my house inside and out in every room, took down two hideously kinky mirrors that were up in the livingroom, pulled out shaggy pink carpet and refinished the hardwood floors in there. I love that we can make these decisions without consulting anyone but still I freak out all the time because I do not have excess money in the bank to fix things.
Okay so anyways, I may end the evening with a few glasses of Sutter Home wine and sit out in the yard. I have turned into the person who loves wine, I think it really happened when my adorable sister took me to Wilson Creek Winery in Temecula. It was beautiful there and I discovered I love Almond Champagne-remember that people, my birthday is coming!!!
Ok, I had hoped to be out of the house by now so I better end this blog. Between trying to get this posted and fighting with a company on the phone and talking to Frankie and Vanessa this morning I am behind schedule...but then again if we stayed on schedule crazy would not exist, and you know you how much I love crazy...especially on my Fridays off!
Really, there is nothing I really want to see at the movies and so all I am left with is cleaning and running errands. I figure that after I am done writing this I will clean up for about a half hour. Then I will take a shower and get dressed, and then put my makeup on and smile at how cute I am in the mirror. I sometimes think my mirror has something against me. It always shows me this reflection that though I could improve upon is pretty cute. Then I get to work and look in the mirror and say what the hell. I look like a freak who is either too flushed out and needs more makeup or my hair is whacked out or my shirt makes me look like I am pregnant with twins. Does that ever happen to you?
Once I leave the house I am off to the post ofice. I need stamps to send out bills that I should have mailed yesterday. To counter that I am sending them late I always back date the checks hoping that the companies I am sending them to will have sympathy and think they just got lost in the mail...good luck to me. The truth is I could have sent them a few days ago if HE would have remembered to pick up my stamps. Yes, I know I could have gotten them from the grocery store but I am tired of being so boring with generic stamps. My friend Frankie always has cute stamps which her husband she absolutely adores picks up for her. They actually go to the post office to get stamps. I thought I could send my husband to the post office this week to pick up some stamps for me. Once I got home that night and asked him if he got them and he said he had forgotten but then offered to pick some up at a grocery store. That was the whole damn point of sending him to the post office...I did not want boring stamps!!! Needless to say that later that night we ended up fighting that El Cantante love and the stamp situation was thrown in his face, don't men know that women have files in their head of all the things they do wrong and when we need to use it we know exactly where in our brain that file is located to throw it in their face.
After I pick up stamps, I am planning to go to Deseret Industries. It is this little thrift store or if I want to sound trendy I will say it is a vintage shop. In any case it is wonderful. I can find purses or cute t-shirts to wear with cute heels and some jeans or clothes for work. Let's face it and I'm not gonna lie...this beauty is on a budget and I am a bargain shopper, ask anyone. I shop clearance racks, discount stores, vintage shops and yard sales as much as I can. I think if I was a millionaire I would still check my bank account everyday and shop all the places I know would help me stretch my money.
Then off to the bank to deposit a check for AVON. Yes, I sell avon but please do not tell anyone in upper management at work, they will get mad, smack my hand and tell me it's a no-no. Is it such a no-no that they will supplement my income for the few dollars I do make? Somehow I don't think so.
My last stop will probably be McDonalds for a McDouble and a Sweet Tea which I am addicted to both and if you are not you should be. It is the kind of tea that you would sit out in the sun all day for the right flavoring and then pour tons of sugar to get the sweet taste, I absolutely love it and at just $1 that's a bargain!
Perhaps I will go Home Depot as well so I can complete this home project I absolutely must do but have been dragging my heels on. I love my house but owning a home is scary. You can't just call the landlord to fix whatever needs to be fixed and I don't have landlord money so home projects have to be well thought out of how I can do things on a budget-go me. Since we have moved here I have painted my house inside and out in every room, took down two hideously kinky mirrors that were up in the livingroom, pulled out shaggy pink carpet and refinished the hardwood floors in there. I love that we can make these decisions without consulting anyone but still I freak out all the time because I do not have excess money in the bank to fix things.
Okay so anyways, I may end the evening with a few glasses of Sutter Home wine and sit out in the yard. I have turned into the person who loves wine, I think it really happened when my adorable sister took me to Wilson Creek Winery in Temecula. It was beautiful there and I discovered I love Almond Champagne-remember that people, my birthday is coming!!!
Ok, I had hoped to be out of the house by now so I better end this blog. Between trying to get this posted and fighting with a company on the phone and talking to Frankie and Vanessa this morning I am behind schedule...but then again if we stayed on schedule crazy would not exist, and you know you how much I love crazy...especially on my Fridays off!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
El Cantante Love
I am a hopeless romantic. I am all about the romance and love and bragging about love and I believe in chick flicks and sappy lifetime movie network movies, seriously. When him and I were barely a couple and love was fresh and brand new I remember walking out of work one rainy night and there he was standing against a wall with a trenchcoat, looking lustful and holding a rose...and he was waiting for me. Oh my goodnes, how wonderful, I found love and this was great, right? Wrong! That love has slowly faded away and the only roses are the ones in my backyard and the trenchcoat is hanging in the back of his closet.
Of course I love him and he loves me, but we have a different kind of love. If you want to know the type of love we have, rent the movie El Cantante. It is the true story of Hector Lavoe who was a musician and his wife Pucci ( I think that was her name). They had crazy Latin love and I can totally identify. There are slamming doors, broken things, pillow fights, flying objects. We fight , we're mad , we make up and then apologize to each other only to start over again every few weeks.
I go to work and I confide in two of my BFF's. Really you can never complain about your man to your mama or your siblings especially sisters because they will hold it against him forever and never like him much again. My friends are my lifeline and I am lucky to have them. Sometimes he tells me that I care about my friends more than him and that I need to respect him like I do my friends. This is something I find hard to do. My friends are not comparable to my marriage and my friends think I am awesome and love me 95% of the time. Frankie and Vanessa are great. We all work together and they are like my sisters. We talk about anything and everything. By the way Frankie is a girl! We have the greatest times together and we have fun and laugh. No, I just can't have this kind of fun with him, there are too many reasons why not.
Frankie is in love. She has the kind of love with her husband that is so sweet you practically need an insulin shot to regulate the sweetness. She is still a newlywed but I have a feeling that she will be in sappy love we all desire stage forever. I am sure they may have had a bad day sometime, somewhere but it's hard to tell when, when all she says is " I love him". That wouldn't be so bad except it will be quiet in the office and she will say it out of the blue to me. I joke with her and tell her to shutup or I will be sick, but the truth is I am envious. I compalain to her about how much I hate him and how I want to leave. Though she sometimes roots for me and cheers me on, she is like some crazy little mexican medicine woman who knows that I am addicted to crazy love and she says to me"you love him". I get frustrated when she says it at times but I know it's true-who knows maybe she is using reverse psychology. In any case she is the epitome of a cute romantic chick flick with her husband. Sometimes she will make me call him for her when we are in the car and she is driving. I play the liaison of telling each other what the other is saying. It goes something like this..."I love you Honey " and he goes " ohhhhhahhh I looove you too! followed by a rolling of my eyes and a smirk.
Vanessa is different. I am not sure if she is married or not. There's a husband sort of but its complicated. We will call him Flagstaff. I used to tell her he did not exist and that the pictures she had were manufactured by Photoshop, and then I saw him, and he is pretty cute. It's like she is married but single ,but we have adjusted. In Vanessa I love that unlike Frankie she does not care if I stay with him or not, she encourages flirting and it makes me laugh.
Together they balance me out and make me sane enough to keep from going crazy. I think sometimes that the two of them and me would make a great relationship and I would say they agree...and then I hear Frankie in my head saying...."But I love my husband"...hmmm time for my insulin shot now!
Of course I love him and he loves me, but we have a different kind of love. If you want to know the type of love we have, rent the movie El Cantante. It is the true story of Hector Lavoe who was a musician and his wife Pucci ( I think that was her name). They had crazy Latin love and I can totally identify. There are slamming doors, broken things, pillow fights, flying objects. We fight , we're mad , we make up and then apologize to each other only to start over again every few weeks.
I go to work and I confide in two of my BFF's. Really you can never complain about your man to your mama or your siblings especially sisters because they will hold it against him forever and never like him much again. My friends are my lifeline and I am lucky to have them. Sometimes he tells me that I care about my friends more than him and that I need to respect him like I do my friends. This is something I find hard to do. My friends are not comparable to my marriage and my friends think I am awesome and love me 95% of the time. Frankie and Vanessa are great. We all work together and they are like my sisters. We talk about anything and everything. By the way Frankie is a girl! We have the greatest times together and we have fun and laugh. No, I just can't have this kind of fun with him, there are too many reasons why not.
Frankie is in love. She has the kind of love with her husband that is so sweet you practically need an insulin shot to regulate the sweetness. She is still a newlywed but I have a feeling that she will be in sappy love we all desire stage forever. I am sure they may have had a bad day sometime, somewhere but it's hard to tell when, when all she says is " I love him". That wouldn't be so bad except it will be quiet in the office and she will say it out of the blue to me. I joke with her and tell her to shutup or I will be sick, but the truth is I am envious. I compalain to her about how much I hate him and how I want to leave. Though she sometimes roots for me and cheers me on, she is like some crazy little mexican medicine woman who knows that I am addicted to crazy love and she says to me"you love him". I get frustrated when she says it at times but I know it's true-who knows maybe she is using reverse psychology. In any case she is the epitome of a cute romantic chick flick with her husband. Sometimes she will make me call him for her when we are in the car and she is driving. I play the liaison of telling each other what the other is saying. It goes something like this..."I love you Honey " and he goes " ohhhhhahhh I looove you too! followed by a rolling of my eyes and a smirk.
Vanessa is different. I am not sure if she is married or not. There's a husband sort of but its complicated. We will call him Flagstaff. I used to tell her he did not exist and that the pictures she had were manufactured by Photoshop, and then I saw him, and he is pretty cute. It's like she is married but single ,but we have adjusted. In Vanessa I love that unlike Frankie she does not care if I stay with him or not, she encourages flirting and it makes me laugh.
Together they balance me out and make me sane enough to keep from going crazy. I think sometimes that the two of them and me would make a great relationship and I would say they agree...and then I hear Frankie in my head saying...."But I love my husband"...hmmm time for my insulin shot now!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Morning Crazy
At 4:45 in the morning I wake up and depending on the day it's either with a kiss on the forehead or a tapping on my foot. He leaves for work and depending on my sleep pattern and how we got along from the previous night I either get up to lock the door and say goodbye or I stay in bed for another forty five minutes. If I decide to get up ,I stumble into the kitchen surveying the mess in the kitchen that I was too tired to clean up last night. He tells both the kids goodbye and then rushes back through the kitchen repeating the things he takes with him on a daily basis as if going down a mental checklist. His kisses remind me of pecks all over my face like a chicken would do and they are wet kisses because he just drank milk. Without him seeing me I wipe my face I mean damn, its early, I am tired and all I want to do is lock the door. I come to my room and pray for a few minutes thanking God for all I have even when I seem ungrateful.
I turn on the TV and watch the Lifetime Movie Network and there is usually a movie on about a jilted woman whose husband either cheated on her or wants to kill her or some plot like that. I put on my clothes and begin my makeup ritual, all this while stopping for a few minutes to get further involved in this lame movie.
5:50-I hear my son open his door and then go to the restroom to take his shower. He gets out, finds something to eat and then turns the TV on in the den to watch ESPN. Time to wake up my daughter who is 14 going on 35. She either will complain I didn't wake her up in time or she will beg me to let her sleep for 20 more minutes. Now it's time to change the channel to one of those tv court shows. The one I watch is usually always trying to establish the paternity of some crazy ghetto couple and I find myself making comments to the tv as if I was the Judge's assistant. Techno music is now playing in the background and my daughter jumps out of bed and runs to the bathroom to turn on her straightener. She starts complaining that her straightener sucks, she hates school and that the music is too loud. Honestly I like the music as it is drowning out this fourteen year old bitching!
Once she is up, I give up all hope to get into the bathroom at least until 7am. Thankfully I get ready in front of my mirror in my bedroom. In the background...complaining and techno music...is it too early to ask Calgon to take me away? Wine, wine is the answer..oh wait I have to go to work...but when I get home...
Around 705 am I begin my rounds around the house to make sure all the lights are off, doors and windows are locked and that mostly everything is unplugged. I know it sounds really anal but I am paranoid and this is something that just has to be done. Time to feed the animals. We have three cats-one that comes and goes and her two grown kittens. Their names change daily depending on what my daughter feels like calling them, I just am happy that they come when I say here kitty kitty! I open the window to feed the dogs. One is a weiner dog, one is a mutt that my daughter found at school and one is a german shepherd Chihuahua. Now that always makes me laugh when I think about it because can't you just picture how that worked out...hmmmmm. I give them water, throw out a big pile of food and rush to get going. My son comes and tells me goodbye and I walk with him outside and watch him walk two doors down to his friend's house. I know he is 16 but he is still my baby. He looks back and waves. I run in the house to the phone ringing. By now the husband has been at work for two hours and he calls to tell us goodbye. I know that he has good intentions when he does this every morning but as my friend says, The ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS. By now, I am feeling rushed, the guy on the judge show wasn't the father and my daughter has been complaining for an hour. I am irritable, my son has already left and my daughter's straightener sucks...I am not in the mood to talk to him on the phone...I am a bitch, I know. I rush to do a second double check , grab my stuff and get my daughter out the door. I drive her to school even though we live around the corner and my son goes to the very same school and he walks. Now there is a whole set of new complaints from my daughter, she's gonna be late, I drive too slow, the sun is shining...etc. By now I am so damn frazzled that I want that glass of wine now!!!! I drop her off, she slams the door, rolls her eyes as she walks away...and I breathe...Hooray for me, I survived the morning crazy...now time for work!
I turn on the TV and watch the Lifetime Movie Network and there is usually a movie on about a jilted woman whose husband either cheated on her or wants to kill her or some plot like that. I put on my clothes and begin my makeup ritual, all this while stopping for a few minutes to get further involved in this lame movie.
5:50-I hear my son open his door and then go to the restroom to take his shower. He gets out, finds something to eat and then turns the TV on in the den to watch ESPN. Time to wake up my daughter who is 14 going on 35. She either will complain I didn't wake her up in time or she will beg me to let her sleep for 20 more minutes. Now it's time to change the channel to one of those tv court shows. The one I watch is usually always trying to establish the paternity of some crazy ghetto couple and I find myself making comments to the tv as if I was the Judge's assistant. Techno music is now playing in the background and my daughter jumps out of bed and runs to the bathroom to turn on her straightener. She starts complaining that her straightener sucks, she hates school and that the music is too loud. Honestly I like the music as it is drowning out this fourteen year old bitching!
Once she is up, I give up all hope to get into the bathroom at least until 7am. Thankfully I get ready in front of my mirror in my bedroom. In the background...complaining and techno music...is it too early to ask Calgon to take me away? Wine, wine is the answer..oh wait I have to go to work...but when I get home...
Around 705 am I begin my rounds around the house to make sure all the lights are off, doors and windows are locked and that mostly everything is unplugged. I know it sounds really anal but I am paranoid and this is something that just has to be done. Time to feed the animals. We have three cats-one that comes and goes and her two grown kittens. Their names change daily depending on what my daughter feels like calling them, I just am happy that they come when I say here kitty kitty! I open the window to feed the dogs. One is a weiner dog, one is a mutt that my daughter found at school and one is a german shepherd Chihuahua. Now that always makes me laugh when I think about it because can't you just picture how that worked out...hmmmmm. I give them water, throw out a big pile of food and rush to get going. My son comes and tells me goodbye and I walk with him outside and watch him walk two doors down to his friend's house. I know he is 16 but he is still my baby. He looks back and waves. I run in the house to the phone ringing. By now the husband has been at work for two hours and he calls to tell us goodbye. I know that he has good intentions when he does this every morning but as my friend says, The ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS. By now, I am feeling rushed, the guy on the judge show wasn't the father and my daughter has been complaining for an hour. I am irritable, my son has already left and my daughter's straightener sucks...I am not in the mood to talk to him on the phone...I am a bitch, I know. I rush to do a second double check , grab my stuff and get my daughter out the door. I drive her to school even though we live around the corner and my son goes to the very same school and he walks. Now there is a whole set of new complaints from my daughter, she's gonna be late, I drive too slow, the sun is shining...etc. By now I am so damn frazzled that I want that glass of wine now!!!! I drop her off, she slams the door, rolls her eyes as she walks away...and I breathe...Hooray for me, I survived the morning crazy...now time for work!
From The Beginning...
I was newly 21 years old when I met my now husband. I say now because once every two weeks I threaten divorce, sometimes it's him who threatens. We met in 1993 when I agreed to go with a family friend to a small litle club in Rialto, California. I didn't have anyone in my life and I wasn't looking either. I was amazed still that I could drink any drink I ordered and didn't have to hide it. I was young, cute and full of life, and I wanted to live it...sometimes I just wish I would have lived it any other day.
I saw him instantly when he walked into the club with his brother. He was tall, had nice eyes, dressed nice and he was cute. To me it felt like everyone in the room dropped off into the ground and he looked at me the way I looked at him..even if only for a brief second. There was no one else there that I was remotely interested in except for him. I remember my friend telling me that he would think I was stuck up if I rejected anyone else asking me to dance, though I thought he would think I was with them. Either way, I danced then waited for a long time at our table. I was watching him and everytime I thought he may ask me to dance, he would take a long drink of his beer and then sit down again. Oh my God, am I so hideous that he has to be a damn drunk to think I looked good. Ugh, just as I decided that I hated him, he asked me to dance and I turned around and said "It's about time". That was what I call my disclaimer. I clearly proved I was a bitch but he liked me anyway, it had to be the alcohol, oh well, right?
We danced, we talked and through it all he didn't even buy me one drink, his brother picked up the tab and that right there was his disclaimer for me that money didn't matter that much. I could have and sometimes think I should have bailed right then, but my Pina Coladas made me believe this was the guy for me. We danced to the last song and he walked us to my friend's car. I gave him my number and he gave me his along with his social security number because he said he trusted me and didn't want this to be the end. There was another disclaimer...vulnerable. I could have been some psychopath person needing a social security number to send to my tio in TJ or someone who needed a new identity to shop for shoes, and I do love shoes! I said goodbye and got in the car. As we drove away, I watched him and his brother walk to the parking lot with a group of girls exiting the club...DISCLAIMER...group of pretty girls, guy that made my heart skip a beat walking together at the end of the night, ugh was I stupid or what!
Here I sit 16 1/2 years later. I still have his phone number he wrote on a receipt that night with his ssn #. I wrapped tape around it to preserve it or as my friend says I ghetto laminated. It's home is inside my jewelry box in a section I keep of memories of mine. Turns out I didn't have a tio in Tijuana needing a social and I didn't use his info to buy shoes. I am just a person who didn't pay attention to the disclaimers and now our disclaimer is WE'RE CRAZY...RUN!
Okay, I am ending for now. I have to scream at our 16 year old son to turn down the techno, fight with my daughter to stop texting and take that person I met back in 1993 his pillow...it's his turn to sleep on the couch.
I saw him instantly when he walked into the club with his brother. He was tall, had nice eyes, dressed nice and he was cute. To me it felt like everyone in the room dropped off into the ground and he looked at me the way I looked at him..even if only for a brief second. There was no one else there that I was remotely interested in except for him. I remember my friend telling me that he would think I was stuck up if I rejected anyone else asking me to dance, though I thought he would think I was with them. Either way, I danced then waited for a long time at our table. I was watching him and everytime I thought he may ask me to dance, he would take a long drink of his beer and then sit down again. Oh my God, am I so hideous that he has to be a damn drunk to think I looked good. Ugh, just as I decided that I hated him, he asked me to dance and I turned around and said "It's about time". That was what I call my disclaimer. I clearly proved I was a bitch but he liked me anyway, it had to be the alcohol, oh well, right?
We danced, we talked and through it all he didn't even buy me one drink, his brother picked up the tab and that right there was his disclaimer for me that money didn't matter that much. I could have and sometimes think I should have bailed right then, but my Pina Coladas made me believe this was the guy for me. We danced to the last song and he walked us to my friend's car. I gave him my number and he gave me his along with his social security number because he said he trusted me and didn't want this to be the end. There was another disclaimer...vulnerable. I could have been some psychopath person needing a social security number to send to my tio in TJ or someone who needed a new identity to shop for shoes, and I do love shoes! I said goodbye and got in the car. As we drove away, I watched him and his brother walk to the parking lot with a group of girls exiting the club...DISCLAIMER...group of pretty girls, guy that made my heart skip a beat walking together at the end of the night, ugh was I stupid or what!
Here I sit 16 1/2 years later. I still have his phone number he wrote on a receipt that night with his ssn #. I wrapped tape around it to preserve it or as my friend says I ghetto laminated. It's home is inside my jewelry box in a section I keep of memories of mine. Turns out I didn't have a tio in Tijuana needing a social and I didn't use his info to buy shoes. I am just a person who didn't pay attention to the disclaimers and now our disclaimer is WE'RE CRAZY...RUN!
Okay, I am ending for now. I have to scream at our 16 year old son to turn down the techno, fight with my daughter to stop texting and take that person I met back in 1993 his pillow...it's his turn to sleep on the couch.
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