So, this is my fourth Sunday that I have found my way back to church. In my world of crazy I thought that church would help me get a hold on the crazy and help me spiritually. I thought it would help me be a better whatever I am to anybody and most of all to myself. I could not be happier with this choice that I have made and even happier that my kids have even gone with me. I have made my way slowly from the rows at the back of the church to somewhere in the middle and hopefully one day I will brave my way to the front of the church.
Today, Pastor spoke to us about praying for your loved ones and forgiveness. He said he knew that in our minds we were thinking of names of people who were on our minds just then who needed forgiveness and prayers no matter what. He was right. The one who stayed on my mind the remiander of the service was my brother. My family is complicated but to us we are just a family. My mom was married before she met my dad and together her husband then and her had two kids, my sister and brother. At the same time, my dad was married as well and they had a daughter. Well, everyone got a divorce and my mom and dad met, got married and had me. Growing up was never a problem with my siblings or the parents involved. We all loved each other even though we had different fathers and mothers-we were all ok.
In my teens, I was closest to my brother. My sister had already moved out and my dad's daughter lived in San Diego with her mother and stepfather. On Friday nights my parents would go out with their friends and me and my brother would stay home. He would hang out with his friends in the front yard of our house on Sycamore. They would be playing music loudly and it was just nice to grow up there. Sometimes, he and I would just hang out in our backyard and swing on our swing and talk about everything.
Things change, people get married, have kids and move on and move away. I do not see my brother much because he lives up in the mountains and I am truly scared of heights, so I will not drive to see him...and he doesn't come to see me either. Family circumstances have pulled us away and we stopped being close. We were happy to see each other when we did but that was all it was. I will admit that I am not the best sister in the world but my brother has always made me feel like I was the little sister who had to obey and take his comments he threw at me. A few months ago was the last time I spoke to him. We were at a party at my sister's house and alcohol and attitudes didn't mix. He had picked on me one too many times that evening and when he cursed at me , he didn't think that I would curse back, but I did and he didn't like it. We said many things to each other though his words hurt me more. I cried as I drove home and told myself I did not need people like him in my life.
Then there was church today. I know that I should forgive him, and maybe in my heart I will forgive and pray for him like I feel I should do while I continue to pray for myself. I love my brother, I do. But in all my kinds of crazy, I think I still need time for me without feeling like it is always me who has to make things right where I am involved. There is a certain kind of guilt that I have felt to always try and fix things when I can, but right now, I just don't want to. I will ..I know, but I am relearning my spiritual me and need time to work on that before trying to work on anyone else.
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