It's Supposed To Be This Way...

I remember writing in my blog once that one day I was going to be able to tell you that instead of my all kinds of crazy feeling that I was going to have the all kinds of happy feeling, and now I am happy to report that I am happy!

This feeling comes from taking the steps I needed to take to get me to the place I needed to be.  While I can't say that I am there 100%, I am more than halfway there.  There are times I am laying on the floor of my apartment when I am all alone and just listen to the quiet.  Gone from my atmosphere is constant fighting, complaining and the feeling I used to get when I would drive home from work of dread for what was going to face me when I got home.  I actually look forward to going home now and spending time with the ones I love.

I remember being so scared to just walk away from things like owning a house and the fear that took hold of me regarding the unknown.  I look at those things now and though I am still not sure what the outcome will be on home ownership and credit that just may take a dive I know that there is nothing that God will give me that I can't handle someway, somehow.

A wonderful friend told me that those things are just things and my happiness means more.  She was so right.  Being in my apartment gives me a sense of peace and freedom that I thought I would never feel again.  It;s hard to live your life everyday wondering when yet knowing that soon someone in the house would fight and that just was not me anymore, I actually reached my breaking point and it was one of the best things that has happened to me in so long.

This is actually the first year (aside from holidays) in about 14 years that we actually sit together at the table and eat together and talk about our days.  Little things like this continue to blow my mind each day.  Of course there are days when something may get me down or I may get upset at something but that is just life happening and I know in my heart that I am so much better off.

I think back to everything leading up to where I am today and I shake my head.  There were times I thought I was meant to be unhappy for the rest of my life but deep down inside I never gave up that small glimmer of hope and I remember praying for God to get me to the place I needed and wanted to be to be happy again, and here I am.

I may not have a lot but I know that I am where I am supposed to be right now with these amazing people in my life who have helped me remember how to smile and how to love again.