I am on official vacation until next Tuesday. I have a list of things that I I want to accomplish in these six days off and yet I know that maybe half of those will actually get done. 2012 is quickly approaching and with that my list seems even more urgent. There are things that I need to do but I am as my kids would say...lagging. Why I am I lagging? That's a good question that weighs on my mind each day. There is one thing in my life that needs to get done in order for me to purge other things out of my life and move forward but it's hard.
I ask myself why I can't I just get this done and the answer I always come up with is time. Time holds me back. It isn't a matter of I never have enough time it's a matter of past time. Memories and good days suspended in time. I can't get past time even though I need to. It used to be that my holdup was posessions until my great BFF Frankie told me that those are just things and they don't make any difference if they are not making you happy. So, I made the decision to purge things that don't make me happy, if only purging people were as easy.
I walk around the house and more and more I feel like I don't belong here. I used to marvel at my house and look forward to picking out paint colors for all the rooms. It seems though that a house is just a house if the people in it don't think of it as a home. As people stopped caring about it so did I and now I just don't. Don't get me wrong I mean I am grateful for the experience of owning a home and having a place to live but now I just want to walk away, and I will.
I envision myself in a place that is mine. Well, let me rephrase that. I want a place that belongs to someone else that is not mine. I want to be able to call someone if water falls into my livingroom when it rains and not have to pay for it. I want to never own another home again unless of course I become an uber rich novelist who can afford the moneypit of owning a home. I want to be able to decorate how I want without hearing it looks gaudy or cluttered. I want to have a place I can come home to and be at peace. I am leaving unhappiness in 2011 even though I know it won't be easy.
At 21 I lost myself and became someone I had to to get to where I am now. It's been 18 years and I know in my heart I cannot get to 19. Jennifer Lopez has a wonderful new CD and on it is a song that I replay over and over again. In it she says "I can feel it getting colder, I'm afraid of starting over." This is me. While I glamorize the whole my place thing in my head I also get freaked out that my credit is about to hit rock bottom because of me leaving this money pit soon, and then of course there comes the feelings that are wrapped around my heart.
I keep telling myself that I am strong and that nothing in life is ever easy. While things in my life may be hard to handle I know I can and will get through it somehow, some way. In 1993 I became who I am but in 2012 I want to be who I was then. The person who was fun and bubbly and had a passion for writing and dreams that my writing would become known to all and that when people see me they see how happy I am. Now all I need to do is to get there, and I think I will.
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