Have you ever been in a situation in your life that you didn't know how to overcome? Then all at once after forever answers finally come to you and realization hits you like a slap in the face. That is what my world has consisted of this weekend, realization and answers.
I have been in a not so happy place in my life that has seemed to just deteriorate more in time. For so long I have waited, hoped and even prayed that somehow a sign would appear or I would hear God's voice as clear as day telling me every step I need to take to get where I need to be. For the longest time though everything stayed the same and it seems like this big cloud of unhappiness followed me. Of course on the outside I was happy and cheerful and outgoing but on the inside it was a different story and those closest to me knew it. My mom has been telling me the same thing for years, but I always seemed to push it to the side, hoping things would work themselves out and resolutions would miraculously appear.
Then in August of last year I decided to change some things so that slowly but surely I would be paving the way for my future. I started this blog and have only heard compliments. Writing is one of my passions and it gives me a sense of accomplishment and belonging, like this is what I need to be doing. I never thought I would use my blog for anything but to tell you about my all kinds of crazy and everything in my crazy world. But tonight I bring you this blog to tell you about finding peace and how peace found me tonight and kind of throughout the whole weekend.
Five months ago I started going back to church. It is the same church that my parents took me to and loved. Actually when I was younger, religion was somewhat confusing. We changed churches often but always went back to Colton First Assembly. It was confusing because in between all this I was baptized and made my first communion in the Catholic church. As time went on I visited churches with people I dated and then I found myself in the same confusing pattern of attending various churches until I just stopped.
Then for a while the only church I knew was Joel Osteen on TV. I love him and I would wake up on Sundays trying to decipher what he was was trying to preach to me. One thing he said one Sunday was..."If you complain, you will remain." It wasn't long after that that I decided I needed to actually go back to church, a real life church. I found my way back to Colton First Assembly of God in Colton and I have gone back almost every Sunday morning since.
Ok, so I thought Sunday morning was all I needed and in actuality for a while it was all I thought I could squeeze in. I was already being told I was neglecting things around the house so I felt guilty, never realizing that I did need more to find my answers. I went there and inched rows closer to the front each time. The one thing I never did was go to the front for an altar call so someone would pray with me, I didn't need that, I prayed for things on my own and in due time things would happen, right?
Last week my friend came to my church and I promised I would attend hers this week, and I did this morning. My daughter and I went not knowing what to expect, except for the things my friend had told us. It turned out to be a wonderful experience and an even greater message. I learned that sometimes you just have to cry and let things out to move on in your life. Her Pastor at The Way World Outreach said ..."You'll never win a race if you keep looking back". He also said there would always be people in your life trying to deter you from your walk with God. It's like the service was meant for me, though I'm sure I am not the only one who felt that way. It's like all the things people had been telling me for so long combined together into this one day. I walked out of there feeling revived and different.
As I turned down my street my attitude started to diminish and I drove back right under that dark cloud. The same old routine ensued with arguing and yelling and I found myself crying just as I had last night as I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" and relating to the character Julia Roberts portrayed. I even went out last night and bought a pizza and drank wine and it helped me feel like I was that movie character. I was at a point in my life where I started to recently feel stronger but after that movie and church this morning I could finally see some kind of a break in the cloud, but not totally. Then after all the crazy I decided to go to church tonight. I went one Sunday before but it wasn't the same. There was a Christmas play that night with a packed church and a potluck afterwards. Not tonight. Tonight the church was more compact and we all sat closer in one section and there were a lot less people. I felt something different when we walked in and people came and told us where they sat and introduced themselves. People were loving and welcoming on Sunday mornings but tonight felt like that and magnified. Someone else besides the Pastor spoke and again I felt like she was speaking to me. At the end she asked us to come to the altar if we needed prayers answered. When everyone started going to the front my son just looked at me like he didn't want to be left out so we walked up to the altar and my daughter was even surprised and thought I must be crazy.
I bowed my head and started to pray and then I felt hands on my shoulders and this familair voice in my ear. It was Pastor's wife Jessica. I started talking to her back in August as we exited the church on Sundays and then she signed me up to work in the nursery. She is always friendly and happy and someone you find yourself wanting to be around. Tonight as she prayed for me with her hands on my shoulders it was like for the past 18 years she was an invisible presence in my house. She prayed for things that I didn't know how she would know to pray for and I found tears falling from my eyes uncontrollably. It was like she was lifting this weight off my life that I needed off of me so that I could move on. I can't explain it more than that but after she was done we stood there hugging each other as I wiped away my tears. She said things that made me feel like she knew exactly the path I needed to take. And as I drove onto my street tonight, the cloud didn't seem that big.
It may take me a little bit for me to get to where I need to be but now I know and finally realize I'm not alone and maybe one day the cloud will dissapear.
No comments:
Post a Comment