Okay ladies, and gentlemen too, we could come up with a million things that we women call our female lower half also known as the vagina. We do this because the V word sounds really formal and almost dirty, right?Let's see, I have heard it referred to as...Kitty, twat twat, peepee, chon chon, chonchita, Vajayjay and tunnel of love, just to name a few. There are so many others. Today for this blog, I am referring to it as Hoo Ha.
Today was a big day for my hoo ha. After Frankie talked me into going to the OB/GYN to get my well woman check out that I have not had in at least five years, I gave in and today was the appointment. I was nervous about it the whole day. I even voided out my extra hour of sleep in the morning to prep because OMG this was big. I was so nervous and scared. I did not think that I was nervous about the whole procedure until today. I did know that I was nervous about any crazy thing that they would find. Add to it that Frankie and I read a story yesterday in good old Ladie's Home Journal about a daughter who lost her mother to ovarian cancer and it freaked me out! Today I started thinking about the whole uncomfortableness of it all and I got all panicky.
So as I woke up at five in the morning I went into the bathroom and had a talk with my hoo ha. I said..."Now hoo ha it is a big day and you have to look nice for the doctor". Afterall, aside from me and my husband, it really doesn't get to visit anyone. So how better to make it look nice than a little trim. I took out my handy lavender Lady Remington and went to work like I owned a salon. It was kind of funny though because I am not as tiny as I was back in the day so this intertube around my middle made it a wee bit hard to see what was going on!!! I was happy with the end results though! Then I jumped in the shower to shave my legs and get anything the lady remington left behind off my body. How embarrassing it would be if all these little pubes were stuck to my legs or butt, haha.
After the shower I got out and got dressed. I did not make any complicated choice for an outfit today and I had to keep my shoes in mind. I wanted to wear some shoes that were not really closed in because I have a theory about that too. I wanted to wear some open shoes so that my feet had no kind of odor, because I knew that at the end of the day at my appointment my feet would be up in the air with legs spread apart and kinda by the doc's nose. Hey I want her to have a pleasant experience too! Oh yeah and I forgot to mention that my Victoria's Secret was used to make hoo ha smell nice...oh come on you know you do it too!
Ok so after work was over, I left early and was on my way. That is when I really started freaking out. All the what-if's started filling my mind. What if the doctor was mean, what if she found something abnormal, what if I accidentally farted? I checked in and waited in the waiting room. They called my name so fast, I was next...oh my goodness! I went into the back and the nurse made me get on the scale...ugh, I told her it was broken, it had to be. Then she led me into the room and did the routine questions, temperature and blood pressure. Everything fine...moving on. She pointed out the gown just waiting to cover my freaked out body, pulled a curtain closed and walked out the door. I quickly took off my clothes, changed into the robe and pulled out Victoria's Secret from my purse and secretly sprayed hoo ha again, OMG nerves, settle down! I jumped up on the table and sat there. I don't know why but I looked down at my legs and could have killed myself right there! In the shower in the morning I remember shaving one leg but I guess I was so distracted that I totally flaked on the other one and it looked like a chia pet, all I could hear was ch-ch-ch chia! Oh my goodness, this doctor was going to think I was a freak with one hairy leg, one shaved leg and a newly trimmed hoo ha!
Oh well, I wasn't going to worry about it and maybe she wouldn't notice! Then I looked at the table and there were all the swabs and tools and the panic crept up just as there was a knock on the door. She came in with a smile on her face and I suddenly felt relieved. She asked me about my medical history and we chatted for about ten minutes before the dreaded procedure began. She told me that she wanted me to get a tetnis shot combined with something for whooping cough. I pleaded with her to please let me take it a little later because I had worked myself up for this appointment, she understood, she was so nice! Then she told me to lay down so she could give me a breast exam. Oh crap, I had been so wrapped up just thinking about my hoo ha that I forgot about the girls. She checked my girls for anything not quite right and said everything there seemed fine. Uh yeah despite the fact I need a boob lift, no she didn't say that, but I was thinking it!
Then it was time. I had to scoot down to the end and put my feet up on those cold metal things. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I had to laugh because there were a few pictures up on the ceiling of the ocean and a sprawling green meadow. I remembered Frankie told me she tells herself"this isn't me" and pretends to be elsewhere. I looked at the pictures and began to imagine I was there in the picture. Then I felt the device that does whatever it does to spread it all open and put your business out there get inserted into little hoo ha. All of a sudden the device made some popping noise and I had to laugh when the doctor said that wasn't you it was my tool. I knew it wasn't me, but it was funny because usually I don't make popping noises:) She told me the worst part is when she had to use gooey cold lube and do whatever. I actually didn't think that was the worst part, it was the spread apart tool and that was over. Soon it was all over and she gave me the green light to get dressed. She told me everything looked good from what she could tell and explained how they would contact me if there were any issues. She wrote me an appointment slip and some slip for routine bloodwork and before I knew it, I was telling her to have a nice day.
Okay, so I panicked for so long for nothing and it wasn't as bad as I psyched myself out remembering from the last time. I'm not too nervous about the results whatever they may be and I am so happy I followed through...and so is my hoo ha!
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