There's a song by a singer named Tamia called "Stranger In My House". It's about a woman whose man has changed from what she used to know and love and has since then become a stranger to her. One of the lines that stands out goes like this:
"Or could it be that the stranger is me-Have I changed so drastically-Is it I want more for me-And you remain the same"
I think of that phrase sometimes and I can totally relate.
I met him when I had just turned 21. By my 22nd birthday we were a few weeks away from having our first child. I was in love. we both were. I cannot say that we are not in love anymore, we have our days. Our routine goes something like love each other madly one day, fight three days, tolerate each other two days and then the other day is a wild card. Yes, I do love him and I always will even if we want to kill each other tomorrow, but the love that once was there when we first met has slowly faded. I know that raising two teenagers does not make it easy and stresses us both out. By the time we have any time to be alone, we are too stressed out to get close, be in love and stay in love.
Though it is not something I think I would brave the waters at, I could see how people fall into the temptation of having a secret life with some other guy or girl that compliments you and tells you what you want to hear. I guess what it comes down to is that people just need to be needed and feel like someone thinks they are the cat's meow.
I have those days some days where I feel like I am all he needs in the world. Then there are those days when I feel like either of us could care less. Which leads me back to the song lyrics I told you about before. Perhaps he didn't change and is the same person he always has been. Maybe I am the one who through the years has changed and I want and expect more of myself, of life, my life.
For as long as I can remember I put my writing dreams away somewhere in the back of my mind, until recently when I started writing more poetry and began this blog. I put my creative side away and use it only to decorate for holidays and special events. Today I volunteered to help out in the nursery at church and even help in children's church. I was excited, I am excited. It's like someone started a fire under my feet and I am ready to live again. It is something I have been praying for and I feel like God is answering my prayers.
When I told him about how I volunteered he got that look on his face. You know the one that involves no words but it says a million. What was going through his mind probably consisted of something like..."Effin great, now she's gonna have even less time to be home for whenever I need her". Well, maybe that is being a little sarcastic but I'm sure it was somewhere close.
The thing is, I am changing. I do want more for me. I want to leave my mark and love being me again. Yes I love being a mother though my kids act like they could care less half the time. They are my whole world and I want to show them that they should never give up on their dreams and to live life without people making them feel bad about it. I love the fact that my job enables me to own a home and provide for my family and I am grateful, but still I am left to wonder am I where I am supposed to be. I DO love my husband, honestly. My wish would be that he would know that I am changing, and it's for the better...for the greater good...for all of us. Maybe my new self will tell him, and maybe just maybe he will like the new me better. Maybe I am not changing at all, I would like to think I am just blooming:)
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